this whole lolzers arc is finally coming to an end. it was bound to happen... still though, thanks for all of the support. it means a lot to me.
(biar kayak membre grad, kita cerita dulu kali, ya)
when i started this account, i actually didn't have a certain goal. i thought that getting at most 2k reads would be enough. i just wanted to have an output for my stories. but then, as you can see, i ended up gaining a bit more than i expected. the feedback was also good. people kept on saying that my story was good and that it was able to invoke certain emotions. it was nice. at that time, i went crazy, updating every week, writing 1000k words per day, just for those notifications. it wasn't healthy, i knew it. but i pushed on because it's the only thing that made me feel something. yeah, i was and still am going through a rough patch in life, so this whole account (and jkt48 in general actually) felt like an escape.
then february came. i actually said that i was gonna go on a hiatus, but ended up returning after a month. from then on, i was already wondering about the purpose of this account. i wanted to announce more hiatuses, but i was afraid it was only gonna last one month. so, i kept writing, just less intensely. a few months came and went by, i still couldn't shake off this feeling. even from the very beginning i felt like what i was doing was immoral. it was so bad of me to borrow their names for clout. i know im a bad person for that, but at the time, the good outweighed the bad.
in the end, i couldn't hold on. i even deleted the app on my phone because i was addicted to the pings. i would only access it through my laptop.
as i've mentioned in the farewell post, it started late july. my guilt was eating me alive. and personal matters in my real life was also starting to catch up. it just wouldn't be healthy for me to go on. my mind has grown toxic.
so, yeah, that's the long story. don't worry, i'll finish memento vivere before leaving completely.
