Unbelieving (A Johnlock Fanfiction)
  • Reads 4,071
  • Votes 274
  • Parts 21
  • Time 1h 31m
  • Reads 4,071
  • Votes 274
  • Parts 21
  • Time 1h 31m
Complete, First published Apr 03, 2019
Simply exhausted of all colour.

Wasted.

I didn't lie down. I didn't blink. I just sat there, staring into nothingness, waiting for something to materialise into my vision. 

Something.

Anything.

I had kept Sherlock away. Kept him away from his death, for so long. So long. Little did I know, all he needed was a little jump from a rooftop.

It wouldn't take me long either, would it? I wasn't going to die.

I needed relief. I needed disconnection. Disorientation. Oblivion. 

Ignorance.

Because ignorance is bliss.

It was in my hand, now. 

Like vengeance disguised in forgiveness.

Breathe.

Steady.

Hold.

Control.
.
.
.

Now.

Pain shot through my arms and my palms, like my nails were being pulled out. It spread like fire, like ice cold fire, still burning like coals. 

My limbs were numb. I fell onto the bed, my mouth pressed into the sheet at an odd angle. I was too fatigued to change it. 

Too drowned to change it.

Drowned too deep.

To change anything.

I'd never done this. Was I going to die?

It'd be better if I died. What would that feel like?

Flying?

Better that this I suppose.

Don't you think, Sherlock?

[TW: IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH PTSD SCHIZOPHRENIA DEPRESSION ANXIETY PANIC DISORDERS DRUGS OR ARE TRIGGERED BY ANYTHING ELSE PLEASE PROCEED WITH DISCRETION. GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF NEAR- SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND VIOLENCE AND ZERO CLOSURE LIKE LITERALLY NO CLOSURE]
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John looked peaceful, his head lulling back and hands clasped together in his lap. His mouth was slightly open, and his breathing even. How had he fallen asleep so perfectly? Most people who had fallen asleep around Sherlock (which was, admittedly, not many) had slept awfully, loud and snorty, sometimes thrashing around, sometimes making weird sounds you're only capable of making while asleep. He sat next to the doctor, being careful not to disturb his slumber. Closing his eyes, Sherlock tried to get to his mind palace. To his dismay, too many thoughts cluttered his head. That had never happened before. Sherlock groaned softly, keeping his eyes closed. Maybe he should get some sleep. He knew John would want him to. "Ah John, what would I do without you?" Sherlock whispered to the sleeping man beside him on the couch. "I'd be a half dead robot if you weren't here. I almost was. I almost was." A small sigh escaped his lips as he slipped into the cool relief of sleep.