Author's note:
This imagine is based on the two books 'My Fucking Smooth Criminal' and 'Smooth Xcape', and will probably not make much sense for those who haven't read them. But if you still do, don't complain.
An Apple a day keeps the doctors... Busy?
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"Mommy! Mommy! Look what I found!"
For the second time that morning, Applehead had dragged wild animals into the house. And this time it was...
"An owl?!" I exclaimed.
"How the friggin' frog did you catch an owl?"
Then I envisioned several ridiculous possibilities, and shook them out of my head as fast as I could.
"Don't answer that!"
"His eyes are so large," he said, and admired the staring bird.
"How is it possible not to see that? It doesn't even blink! Get that damn diabolic thing out of here."
"But mommy, he's my friend. His name is Fritz, and..."
But I was already on my way to throw the bird out. The only problem was that I didn't realize that it wasn't domesticated. Not soon enough, at least. So when I tried to grab it the same way I did with our chickens, it flew off into the kitchen, circled a few times, before it returned to the living room where we were. It crashed into the ceiling lamp so it fell on top of the coffee table, and knocked over several of Michaela's precious miniature statues and a candlelight holder, before it almost ripped the scalp off my head.
Needless to say; I screamed. And when I screamed, Applehead screamed, and believe it or not, the damn bird screamed too. Then all the other kids came running, and when they saw what the commotion was, they joined the screaming party as well.
"Get that bird out of here!" I yelled, but they were all too busy trying to seek cover from the owl's claws and sharp beak.
"Annie! Pull down the curtain!"
My daughter stared at me, not believing what I said. She was going to rip down Michaela's special ordered curtains? She was normally not even allowed to touch those. Nobody was. Not even me.
"Do as I say, and I'll deal with Diva later."
Annie nodded, but looked like she was more scared to rip it down than the crazy bird that kept crashing into things. She did it, though. Then she handed it to me and followed orders when I told her to hold one of the corners, while I held the other. She was quick to figure out what I had in mind.
"Are you ready?" I asked, and she nodded determinedly. Then we ran toward the bird and threw the curtain over it, and as soon as it was secured, I grabbed it and ran toward the door like the ground was on fire.
"And don't you ever come back here, you... You... Fritz!" I yelled after the owl when I released it.
That's right, Gail! Show it who's the boss around here! Yeah... You know it's a bird, right? One that didn't even come inside out of free will? Uhh... Go get your son. Or Daddy? Yeees... What?! No! Idiot fits better. Definitely an idiot.
"Applehead! How many times have I told you to not bring any more wild animals into the house? No worms! No caterpillars! No hedgehogs! And no weasels, marmots or badgers, either!"
"But the hare was cute, though," Annie said, and I scowled at her.
"You're not helping here."
"Sorry," she mumbled. Then she grabbed the curtain and studied it. Oh, yes. There were both holes and bird poop on it. Of course it was.
"Dad's gonna kill you."
One problem at a time, Gail. Focus!
"Look at the mess in here!" I scolded and pointed my finger at Applehead, who sat on the floor behind the couch and looked remorseful as ever. His eyes were pooling with tears and his bottom lip was trembling, and he fiddled with a button on his red button up shirt. But I was too angry to feel sorry for him.
"Clean it up!"
It was like I'd poked him with a cattle prod, because he jolted up and ran for the first broken item he found. It was a porcelain horse. Or... Had been. And now Applehead cut himself on it.
"Oh, you damn imbecile," I grumbled to myself. Then I grabbed his hand and pulled the crying man after me into the bathroom where the first aid kit was.
"You others can go outside and play. I'll clean this up myself," I said to the other kids, and they didn't hesitate to do as I said.
"And try to stay out of trouble!"
The door slammed shut before I finished the sentence, but I was too busy trying to keep my husband from smearing blood all over himself to really care. Normally they didn't cause half the trouble their dad did anyway.
"What am I gonna do with you?" I huffed and looked at the sobbing mess who was now seated on the floor.
"Mickey Mouse or Goofy?" I asked, wondering which bandaid to put on.
"Mickey," he sniffled, and whimpered a bit when I cleaned the cut on his finger. Luckily it wasn't deep enough to need stitches, but hopefully it would be enough to remind him what happens when he brings wild animals inside. Unfortunately, that only lasted about thirty minutes. I wasn't even done fixing the lamp, until I heard him screaming from his room.
"What now?" I groaned. That damn man child wasn't even let out out of the house, because I couldn't trust what he would drag inside next. I figured that as long as he was in his room, he'd have to draw the animals if he wanted any. Or make them with Play-Doh. But I was wrong. Terribly wrong. Because what I saw when I came into his room, was a bleeding boy with a baby fox jumping around him.
"Freddy bit my arm!" he sobbed and pointed at the fox. Then it bit his finger as well, and Applehead cried even louder.
"What the hell? When did you get that inside?"
"H-he's b-been living inside m-my clooooooseeeet," he cried, but the words were so chopped up that it was difficult to hear what he said. Then the fox tried to bite me, and I took the opportunity to grab him by the neck just like a mother fox would do. Where was its mother anyway?
I walked over to the closet and took a quick look, just to make sure that the rest of the family wasn't in there too. And when I saw it was empty, I carried the fox, that automatically had curled up into a tiny fur ball, outside.
"What? How...? When?" Annie exclaimed when she saw me putting the fox down to let it run back to wherever it was it came from. And out of experience, I had made sure to close the door to keep it from running back inside.
Like the squirrel last week... Damn, that one bit hard!
"Don't ask," I mumbled and stomped back inside. I cleaned up the puncture marks from razor sharp fox cub teeth, and put on bandaids that now included all the members of the Disney clan in total. And when I was done, I sat back on my heels and studied him.
"You look like a patchwork."
"What's a patchwork?"
"A blanket."
"I'm a blanket?"
"No, you're not," I sighed, and suddenly felt exasperated. Then I grabbed his hand and pulled him after me and toward the car.
"Where are we going?" I asked, and mildly protested against my tight grip around his wrist. I already knew he wouldn't come voluntarily.
"To see a doctor."
"A doctor? Why?"
"Because that's what people do when they get bitten by foxes."
He suddenly managed to wiggle himself out of my grip and ran off, and all the kids stared at us with wide eyes. I didn't blame them either. Watching their dad running screaming around in our garden, with their furious mother hot on his heels wasn't exactly normal. At least not in other families. Unfortunately, ours didn't belong in the normal category.
"Tackle him!" I yelled, and was glad when all five of them stormed toward him, knocked him out of balance and climbed on top of him to keep him from getting back up. Even our two year old Miriam did her best, and sat on his face. She had a clean diaper on, but still.
"Thank you," I panted. Then I squinted at our neighbor who was peeking over the hedge. She'd probably watched the whole ordeal and would be guaranteed to spread the rumor to the entire village.
You should be used to that by now, Gail. After all, your family is more entertaining than the morning newspaper. You can't really blame them.
"Get up, fruit face!" I ordered, and all the kids giggled.
"Great. Now you look like several kinds of animal excrements, too," I groaned, and the kids laughed even harder. Even Miriam, even though she didn't understand a single thing of what we were talking about. Why? Because Applehead was covered with dirt and grass marks from head to toe.
"But why do I have to go?" he whined.
"Because the kennels were full."
"What's a kennel?" he asked, and I stopped Annie when she tried to explain.
"Forget about the kennel! You're going to the doctor because you're the one who got bitten by that damn fox! You might have rabies and scabies. And probably Corona, pest and cholera, too."
"What's Corona?"
"A beer!" I snapped, stuffed him into the car and strapped him really tight with the seat belt.
"A bear? But you said..."
"Not the animal, for heaven's sake! Argh..."
"Can I drive?" he asked, suddenly hopeful, but I just stared at him until he started pouting.
"But you said I could drive..."
"Toy cars! Yes! Not this one. Why else do you think I carry the keys on me at all times when you're around? It's only when you're..."
Just stop, Gail. You know reality checks are useless. He doesn't understand not to pick up chewing gum from the street and put it into his mouth, so why on earth would you expect him to understand a complicated psychiatric diagnosis?
"What?"
"Nothing. But when we get there, you're gonna keep your mouth shut and behave a little less like a chimpanzee, and I'll refrain from driving to the vet and have you euthanized instead."
"What's euth..."
"STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS! GOD!"
I expected him to either follow up with more questions or even start sobbing, but he did neither. Instead he was silent for several minutes, until he started studying his bandaids.
"I appreciate you calling me God, because that's pretty accurate, but you could at least have chosen something that matched."
My head whipped so fast to my right that it was a wonder I didn't crash the car.
"Michaela?"
"The one and only," she smirked and winked at me, and I felt the relief like a soothing tidal wave I was happy to drown in. Then I turned pale and gulped.
"Uhm... Michaela? I have something I need to tell you."
"Are you pregnant again? Because if you are, I've already added a couple of names to the name list."
"No! God, no. I'm not pregnant."
"Okay?" she said, and I felt more nervous than ever.
"You see... You kind of... Like. An owl..."
"An owl?"
She gave me a look that clearly showed that she thought I was talking crap. I wished I did.
"Yeah... YoudraggedinanowlanditgotlooseandruinedourhouseuntilweusedacurtaintocatchitandthrowitoutbutthecurtainwasruinedandseveralofyourexpensivethingstooandI'msorry!!!"
"I what?!"
I sucked on my teeth and prepared to tell him the rest.
"And then you got bitten by a fox and now we're on our way to get you a rabies shot."
"RABIES?!"
"Don't ask..."