I pushed Jaylen off of me, catching my breath. There were many eyes on us and I didn't want to be the trending topic for people to talk about on campus.
"That doesn't excuse your behaviour towards me," I told him, panting slightly. He caught me off guard with that kiss. Like he was trying to deter me away from my mission of getting shit straight from him.
"Promise me to understand," He said, his eyes not leaving mine. That only caused me to become nervous.
I nodded, not being able to speak. We weren't going to move from our spot. Students can watch us but at least they wouldn't know what we were talking about. Because I wanted to know why he blew up on me like that.
"Speak, Lilliana. Use your words."
"I promise to understand."
He sighed, "Please understand that I can't tell you at this moment," My jaw clenched in anger. He wasn't even going to explain himself.
"Are we keeping secrets now?" I asked, "Because that's what you're doing."
"This is for the best. You have to understand, Lilliana. I will tell you when it is the right time. When I figured it all out. In the meantime, I want to continue this relationship with you."
What he was asking was contradicting his actions. How could he want a relationship with secrets? I had watched enough movies and read enough books that secrets only lead to broken relationships; which leads to heart-breaks.
I wanted to be with him. Every part of my heart had been accustomed to him, to his touch. He already managed to make himself home in every corner of my soul. Ripping him out was like ripping apart of me.
The time we spent together, I found myself at ease. I was able to be myself while trying to find who I was. He created an environment filled with security. He made me believe that he was ready to catch me when I fell.
His arms were filled with thorns of lies and secrets. They were bound to cut me open, letting all of the false hopes and safe haven I thought he once was, fall out of me.
I moved his hands away from me and I took a step back from him. Maybe we needed a break. I needed the space to think if I wanted to move forward. I needed the time to think if he was worth the heartbreak.
"I understand. But I think we should have some time apart," I suggested, my eyes averted down the ground. Because I don't think I could go through with a break if I saw his reaction.
"Is that what you want?" His voice not faltering at all. But what did I expect? He was accustomed to masking his emotions all the time. He couldn't make me an exception.
"Yes," I whispered. God, I can feel my heart tearing up. I bit my lip as the tears built up in my eyes, threatening to fall.
"Look at me, princess," He requested and I did because it might be a while until I get to look at his face again. And I stared into his emerald eyes (I used to hate green but now it was growing on me).
He placed his hands again on either side of my face and I let him. His thumbs wiped away the tears that were running down my face. Stupid emotions.
"Take as long as you need. I'll wait. Don't take too long though. I want you in my bed as soon as possible," I laughed, sniffing slightly.
I didn't want to move from my spot. I wanted to stay there with him. I wanted him to bring me back to his place and forget that this ever happened. I wanted so many things that I knew we couldn't do.
For us to be able to move forward, I needed to take the time and space he was willing to give me. Because if I didn't, this problem would come around again and we would fall apart harder than the first time. And my heart could only take so much.
He placed a kiss on my forehead before pulling away from me completely, "Text me whenever you feel like talking to me. I'm always here for you, alright? I'm not going anywhere."
I pulled my lips inward, stopping the sound of sob leaving my lips. I brought the back of my hand against my cheeks, wiping my face dry. He stuffed his hands in his front jean pockets, staring at me, waiting for a reply.
"Okay. I'll see you around, Jaylen," Unconsciously, I placed my hand on his chest, practically feeling his heart break into two as well, before I walked away from him.
The last three days were the most eye-opening, confusing three days of my life.
Thursday—the day all hell broke loose in my heart—I managed to attend all of my classes for the rest of the day. As soon as I got home, I turned off my phone and jumped into bed and slept.
There were many emotions running through me and the only thing I thought to do was sleep it all off. I had the next day to depict the feelings in my heart. There was no rush.
Friday—one day after all hell broke loose in my heart—I finally told Mona what happened. She promised me a night of eating ice cream and having a Marvel movie marathon.
Attending classes was tough. I found myself tearing up throughout the day, during lessons specifically. Good thing I sat in the back. No one was able to hear me sniffle and wipe away the tears on my face.
The fact that Jaylen had a game that night didn't help my case at all. My body itched and urged me to watch him play. A glance would suffice my need to see him.
Because I wanted to see if he was struggling as much as I was. I wanted to see if he was as broken as I was. Or if he was able to power through it all; pretend like nothing was wrong even though his whole world was crumbling in his hands.
Mona managed to take my mind away for the rest of the night. We talked about what happened first—from the beginning until the end. We talked over it with bottles of white wine she got from one of her classmates who were of legal age.
"Honestly, for your first break, you're handling this better than I thought you would," Mona told me, sipping her wine.
We sat on the floor, our backs against our beds. There were three bottles of wine placed in the space between us. Since we didn't have any wine glasses, we used our water bottles instead.
"I cried multiple times in class. I don't think I'm handling this good."
"That's normal. You're going through foreign emotions. Your heart is trying to familiarize itself with the feelings and crying was a way for it to understand."
"Do you think I made the right decision to ask for a break?" I asked her, downing the rest of the wine in my water bottle.
"In my opinion, you did. Sometimes, to see the bigger picture, you have to take your time and take a step back. Understand every element incorporated in the picture. Why it is there and how it fits there.
"The process is insufferable. The rollercoaster of emotions will lead you to overthink situations that probably would never happen. You'll feel this constant tug on your heart every time it beats because it's missing some part of itself.
"Most of the time, we try to fit ourselves into the picture. When in reality, it never included you in the first place. Jaylen painted you a picture of him. Of his life. Of who he is as a person. The only thing you could do is understand him."
Mona left me speechless. I stared at her with wide eyes and my mouth gaped open because I couldn't believe those sentences fell out of her lips. I really thought she was going to say some stupid shit, but, she didn't.
I was too busy figuring out how our relationship was going to work that I didn't realize the reasoning behind his actions. He never did anything cruel towards me. In fact, he never made a severe mistake that made me think of him a different way.
Why did I think the worst about him right away? Nothing in his past actions or gestures towards me dictated that he wasn't a good guy. He was the complete opposite. He wanted to protect and care for me to the best of his abilities.
How did I manage to come up with the worst conclusion of the picture he painted for me?
Saturday—the second day of trying to repair my heart—I finally turned on my phone. There were a few texts from Christopher, telling me to call our mother. A couple from both Zane and Kai, asking how I was. Jaylen had given them a vague explanation of what happened.
Lastly, there were texts from Jaylen. The last two days, he wished me good morning and good night. And that was it. Short and sweet messages from him. I was glad he respected my wishes of having space.
Was it wrong for me to wish he disregarded it and came to me Thursday night? Was it wrong that I wanted him to chase me?
I decided not to reply to any of the messages I received and distracted myself with the school work that was piling up on me. Thanksgiving break was approaching fast which only meant midterms were on their way as well.
The only time I took a break was when I needed to go to the bathroom or to get myself some food. Mona came home in the evening. We ended up drinking the remaining bottles of wine we didn't finish the night before.
"I think I'll talk to Jaylen on Monday," I informed Mona. We were back into our position from last night but this time, her laptop was turned on and playing music.
"You think these three days gave you enough time to figure it all out?"
I nodded, "Not all of it. But the parts that concerned him and me. If a problem arises, I want us to fix it together, not separately."
"Good. A relationship consists of two people. There are some days where the efforts aren't equally divided, however, that's where the perseverance and the love for one another come in. If you're at 20%, he has to be at 80%."
"Love? I don't love Jaylen. I'm fond of him or like like him. But not love," I explained. That was absurd. No way I loved Jaylen. We haven't even known each other for that long.
"If you say so," She sang, not believing me at all, "All I'm saying is that from my point of view, Jaylen is worth it. He even lets you have the space you wanted. No other guys would allow that.
She continued, "Remember that one guy in senior year? I asked for a break and he took it as a chance to sleep with other people. Although, he did help with my decision of never getting back together with him."
Mona could probably write a book of all of the relationships she had in the past. She had the worst of the worse and the best of the best relationships had to offer. Yet, her heart was open to anyone willing to enter and turn it into their home.
"Also, I'm surprised Jaylen is so nice to you. J-names are never polite. They're like Satan's spawn. At least from my experience," I laughed as I analyzed all of the names of her old boyfriends. I laughed even harder, realizing she was correct.
"Seth doesn't start with a J," I suggested, wiggling my brows at her. She faked a gag before downing the rest of her wine.
"He isn't Satan's spawn. He is Satan. I can't believe he managed to get a hold of my number. Now, he has been texting me non-stop," She complained, pouring more wine in her bottle.