The man across from Jessica looked at her expectantly with his pen on the notepad. It felt so wrong to open up about her innermost secrets to a stranger, no matter how much Charlie had assured her it would help.
It took all of her strength to begin to open up, little by little, and before she knew it the session had come to an end.
"I'll see you next week at the same time," the very qualified shrink said.
"That's fine," she murmured, standing up. "Thanks."
She left the office feeling unsettled, but Charlie was waiting for her and he stood as she entered the room.
"And how did it go?" he asked as he led her out.
She shrugged. After talking to the shrink for the last hour, she didn't feel like opening up about anything. It wasn't like there had been a lot of time to get into all the heavy stuff, but it had enough for her to feel a little drained emotionally.
It happened every time she was forced to think back to Dylan's suicide and the fallout afterward.
When she didn't answer, Charlie stopped her with a concerned look. "Did everything go okay? Dr. Reed comes highly recommended."
She nodded. "It was fine. It's just that I've been talking for an hour and I'm kinda all talked out."
"That's fine." Charlie was always so understanding, and she wondered why of all the guys she could have fallen for it hadn't been him. Loving him would have been so easy.
But she had fallen for Myles. It had started under the stars the night in the pool. He had been the one who had stolen her heart, without her realizing it until it was too late.
That afternoon she was feeling out of sorts and was desperate to feel closer to Myles. She couldn't contact him, so she decided to try something else.
She put her swimsuit on and headed to the pool. Charlie was busy in his office with a conference call, so she would have some time on her own. She shivered as she got in slowly, hating the coolness of the water, but after a few minutes her body adjusted and she began to warm up.
Then she lay on her back and looked up at the sky. The water was silent and although it wasn't as beautiful as a starlit sky, it was pretty nonetheless, with the clouds slowly drifting across her vision. It was easy to block everything out other than the sky above.
She sighed, feeling she was connecting in a way she couldn't explain with Myles. It provided some peace within the chaos that had saturated her the last couple of days.
Feeling calmer, she closed her eyes and floated on the surface of the pool feeling like she was finally alone. There was no one watching over her waiting for her to flip out or do something hysterical.
She had been under a tremendous amount of stress and it was nice to feel like she could shut out the world even if it was only for a little while.
Feeling a little more in control, she allowed her feet to move down to touch the ground before moving to stand. Charlie was sitting on the porch step with a beer watching her with a puzzled look.
She hadn't been alone at all.
"You okay?" he asked, watching her with a guarded look.
She nodded, squeezing the excess water from her hair before moving to the side of the pool closest to him. She folded her arms on the edge and rested her chin on top of them while gently kicking her legs in the water.
"Yeah," she murmured, understanding his concern even though at times it felt suffocating. "I'm sorry for everything, Charlie."
"You scared me."
"All I can say is I'm sorry. Nothing I've done has been fair to you." Even if she had been trying to do the right thing for her, he had been hurt in the process.
"You are the most important person in my life. How I feel can't simply be turned off because you don't feel the same." His words cut right through her, and it served her right. She studied him and could see for the first time a vulnerability in his eyes.
"I might not love you in the same way you love me, but out of everyone you make me feel the safest."
He took a swig of his beer. "I'm not sure how I feel about that."
She felt saddened that she had put herself before him. When she had felt like her world was unraveling, he had been the person she had needed the most. Now she could see how selfish it was.
"Maybe it's best I find a place of my own sooner rather than later," she murmured, pushing away from the edge of the pool. She climbed out of the pool by the steps and reached for the towel to dry herself off.
"I'm sorry, Jess," Charles mumbled, now standing off to the side.
"You don't have to be sorry." She gave him a smile. "Don't worry. I'll start searching for somewhere else to live as soon as possible."
"Don't. I didn't mean it like that." He pulled his hand through his hair, he was agitated. "I don't want you to leave. Not just yet."
"Believe it or not, I care about you and I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have. I haven't been fair to you, and to expect you to just drop everything because I needed you was wrong of me." She touched his arm, studying his expression. "Just remember that, when everything was falling apart in my world, you were the one I needed more than anyone else."
He quietly digested her words.
"I might not love you in the way you need me, but that doesn't mean I don't love you. I do." She felt a little emotional opening up to him.
"Come here," he murmured and pulled her into a one-arm hug. She leaned against his chest. "No matter what has happened I'm still foremost your friend and I will always do whatever I can for you. Know that."
She nodded her head.
"Why didn't you tell me about Dylan?" he asked, out of the blue, and she moved out of his embrace.
"I was distraught; some days I could barely breathe. How could I admit to everyone who meant anything to me that I was the reason they were in so much pain? It was my fault." She sat down on the patio chair with the towel wrapped around her. Water dripped down her neck. "I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without hating myself. How could I expect anyone else to feel differently?" Her eyes lifted to his. "I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't been there."
From the shock of discovering Dylan's death, dealing with her guilt, and Karsyn, who had pushed her so far away when she had needed him most, had all left her lost and filled with so much despair that every day had been a struggle.
"It's a good thing you won't ever need to find out."
That brought a smile to her face. There hadn't been a lot to smile about lately.
"All I need you to do is promise that if you ever need anything you know you can depend on me, no matter what," he stated. "I might feel heartbroken over what has happened between us, but I will never forgive myself if something happens to you because I wasn't there for you."
He was such a good man. She had never truly deserved him.
"My wellbeing shouldn't solely rest on your shoulders," she said with a sigh. "I should be able to handle things better."
"It's okay to admit you need help. It makes you strong."
He reminded her of Dylan, bringing some of the emotion tied to his death up to the surface, making her feel raw.
"I picked better people than Dylan did." She looked to the floor.
"Don't do that," Charlie chided. "You did your best."
If she had, then why did she feel so shitty? If her conscience was clear, why did she feel so guilty? It was almost debilitating.
"There is no guarantee anyone could have helped him. Did you ever consider that? Did you ever think that no matter how it played out, the end result would have been the same?"
No. She had never considered that, not ever.
"You think that he was set on what he was going to do?" she asked, puzzled.
"I'm not saying that, but you had no idea what was going on in his head. If it had all become too much for him to handle, could you really have saved him?"
She stared at him, at a loss for words, while her mind grappled with what he'd said.