YOU HAD WAITED your whole life to become a hero.
On the day the memory of your parents died, a woman whispered to you in your sleep.
It is the first thing you remember, and even now, as you walk the sandy dunes of your dreams, searching for the owner of the voice, you hear it still. You'd shut your eyes, hear the words, and you'd be back in Trost District, so many years ago, running barefoot through the corridors while you awaited the return of the soldiers from their latest mission. Another failure.
Memories. Lacking them had never been a new occurrence to you, but that was foreseeable, given the situation you lived in. You writhed in your sleep, searching for the answers, violation of peace invading all logical sense, like ruddy smears against palpable brown air.
As all memories of your hometown faded away, a new one entered, plundering your line of sight like mesomorphic fog to a guileless seer. Then you see him. There is a field of memories in those green eyes, and everything comes back to you at once, like daylight flooding the universe for the first time.
Eren.
He remembers everything.
"Hey, little L/N girl, fancy joining our church? Worship the Walls, pray for the souls of the departed."
"Not interested."
Clutched in your hand was a bag of bread you'd nicked from an lone stall in the marketplace. Brioche, your favorite. It was easy to steal, because no one ever seemed to man the bakery. You never knew why, but you certainly weren't about to complain.
You dodged priests and worshippers as you passed by the square in Trost, where pious bards sang Holy hymns praising the three sisters for their godly protection against the Titans. You couldn't understand why people worshipped giant concrete, but you guessed that this was just human behavior.
Their murmurs followed your ears as they watched you walk the path returning to the Survey Corps headquarters.
"Come on, young lady," another priest said as you passed him by, "do you not want to offer your prayers to your deceased friends in the Scouts? Your family, maybe? Pray for your soul, atone for your sins—"
"I don't believe in no deities or gods," you snapped, annoyed now. "Beat it."
Dawn broke in the sky. You brisk-walked across cobblestone, skillfully avoiding crowds and the occasional dropping from mules. Trost was for peasants, but it was home.
When you reached the Scouting Regiment, your thoughts returned to the memories you couldn't place. Every now and then, you would see a flash of green. Sometimes it looked soft as grass, but other times it looked destructive like thunder cracking against a lake.
And sometimes, you would randomly imagine a sky full of stars, with sand spread everywhere, and a beacon of light shaped like a tree shining up ahead.
You did not know why you kept thinking of this in particular.
You put the bread in the kitchen for later and tried to sneak back into your room. As soon as you closed the door, though, someone lit the oil lamp beside your bed.
"How many times do I have to tell you, we don't need to steal food anymore?"
You groaned and turned your body as Levi opened the window to your bedroom, allowing the sunlight to come in. He had interrupted the vivid dream you were having.
"Captain," you said, "nobody even owns the bakery. I mean it! It's like they just leave the bread out for me to take for free. Would you pass up free food?"
"You'll turn lazy," replied the corporal. He leaned against the windowsill. "Ruining your sleep will do you no good."
"Captain, isn't that a little ironic, coming from you?"
Levi gave you a deadpan look. Other people would have recoiled in fear, but you only stared at him blankly.
"Kid, I get that you need to get out of the house after having nightmares, but you're starting to slack off."
"I do not have nightmares," you said pointedly. "I just have a hard time remembering things."
"You thrash around like you need a damn exorcism. Don't start levitating on me now, or else those priests will make you wear rose beads and praise Wall Sina. So try not to slack off."
"Good morning to you, too," you muttered.
Broth filled the air as you passed the mess hall to reach the training area. It wasn't particularly mouth-watering delicious, and neither was it borderline revolting. You wouldn't know, and you certainly wouldn't complain. A few Scouts saluted you their morning greetings, giving you smiles that didn't reach their tired eyes. You ignored Levi's petty grumbles as you slowed in your step to indulge in their small talk, but you followed him nonetheless.
You had met Levi in the underground when you were just a child no older than ten, and have stuck together ever since. When he joined the military, the higher-ups permitted you to be left in his care instead of being sent to an orphanage — one of the tight conditions he had given Commander Erwin when offered the role of the Survey Corps' captain.
You swung a punch at Levi's head, which was quickly blocked. He caught your arm and flipped you with ease. You groaned as your body thudded to the ground. On your knees, you panted as the hot summer sun beat down.
"Hand-to-hand combat — less than satisfactory," he commented, unsmiling. "you need more training."
"I won in every combat when I trained with the other soldiers," you complained, "That should count as something."
The corporal looked down at you. The sun's glare made you squint your eyes to make out his face.
"Unless you can beat me, I won't stop."
The two of you left the sparring area to check for paperwork in Levi's office before heading to breakfast. When you arrived, you were startled when you opened the door and found Commander Erwin standing by the window.
"Levi," he greeted with a nod of his head. "Sorry to have broken in your office. I'm afraid there are urgent matters to discuss. Good morning, Y/N."
You saluted. Levi walked forward and pulled up the seat at his desk. You sat on one of the two chairs in front of the table, Erwin occupying the other. He looked at your messy clothes, full of dirt after the sparring session. "I take it you're enlisting in the military soon?"
"Yes," you answered, brushing some dust off your shoulders. "I'm joining the Southern Cadet Corps next year. Not too far from Trost."
"That's good to hear," he said encouragingly. "We could use more skilled people in the military."
"Thanks," you replied with a small smile. Hearing the sound praise from the commander was a much friendlier interaction than when Levi was beating you up earlier.
"You better work hard if you want to survive," said Levi as he arranged the stack of paperwork on top of his desk. "Unless you want to be dead within two months of being in the military."
"I'll climb the ranks in no time," you said half-jokingly. "I'm gonna surpass you one of these days. Humanity's strongest who?"
Levi rolled his eyes and scoffed. "In your dreams, kid."
Yes, you and Levi were one happy little family.
"No need to be negative, Levi," chided Erwin, glancing at you. "I have faith that Y/N will be one of the best soldiers the Walls has ever seen."
Levi looked at him suspiciously. "What are you here for, Erwin? It better be quick."
The commander stiffened as he sat up. "Ah, yes," he said. "I received a report from the Military Police first thing this morning. I think you ought to read it."
You noticed that he avoided your eyes while he said this. Levi looked at him questioningly before taking the paperwork from his hand and scanning it. He remained expressionless, but his hooded eyes slightly widened. Curiosity filled you while the two men exchanged a serious look.
"How did you get this information?"
"They were filing death reports in Wall Rose. There were some accounts from the village of Beaurlin."
The curiosity peaked at the mention of your birthplace. Oftentimes, you tried not to think about Beaurlin too much, as the place brought back a wave of bad memories you couldn't even recall. The feeling still lingered.
"What about that place?" you asked anxiously.
Levi was silent and looked at the other man expectantly, then sighed.
"Y/N, they found your parents. They're dead."
He handed you the Military Police report. The black ink printed on the white parchment seemed to be drunkenly floating off the white sheet as your vision blurred, disassociating your consciousness from the quiet morning environment around you. There were many questions you wanted to ask and statements you wished to say, but none of them ever escaped your throat.
A mass murder had recently taken place in Beaurlin village, right after the fall of Wall Maria thanks to the overtake of refugees from the northwest. The entire area had been massacred—men, women, and children—and for some reason, there were no survivors. Including your parents, whose names and faces you didn't even know. In fact, it was the first time you had ever heard they were alive at all.
You combed your head for memories and found nothing.
"You had a grandmother, too," Levi said. "Her name was Arya L/N. She was the mother of your mother, and it appears as though you were given your mother's last name. Not your father's."
"L/N, huh..." you said, trailing off. "So my father is gone forever. Well, what are my parent's names?"
Levi's eyes flickered with regret.
"It doesn't say in the records," he said. "The only one found was that of your grandmother's."
"So I'll never know who my parents were," you said. "Only my grandmother."
"Yeah."
Levi and Erwin looked at you as cautiously as possible, bracing themselves for whatever distressing reaction you had in store. The sight of their sympathetic faces seemed to freak you out more than the report you were tightly clutching in your hands.
"Well, that's a shame," you said, ignoring the clamminess in your hands. "Good thing I never knew them well at all. Moving on, what's for breakfast? Nanaba said she's treating me to brioche bread."
"It's not funny, Y/N," Levi deadpanned, folding his arms at you and your dark idea of humor. "Now is not the time to act like a piece of shit."
"It's a trauma response," said Erwin, glancing at you with sympathy in his eyes. "Y/N. It's okay to talk about it properly."
You didn't have anything to counter his words, of course, because the commander was right.
The memory of your parents was practically dead, anyway.
"I'm hungry," you suddenly announced before abruptly standing up to leave the room. "I haven't had breakfast yet."
Levi frowned at your reply. "Y/N, it's not a crime to feel anguished—"
"I'll see you later," you interrupted him quickly, saluting at the two quiet men before stalking off to the mess hall. "Thanks for informing me, Commander—I appreciate it, really. Good morning."
And with that, you scurried out of Levi's office and shut the door behind you. The sound of your footsteps on the wooden floor echoed across the empty hallway, eventually fading the farther you got away from the room. The captain huffed as he set the MP report down on his table.
"Well, would you look at that," he spat at Erwin. "We just added to the young brat's growing list of childhood traumas. A mass murder? She's going to have nightmares about that for months, even if she says she doesn't care about whatever family left her behind."
"You always complain about her sleeping in and having strange dreams," Erwin replied. "I suppose you prefer them now than to the recent news? Levi, her dream in life is to become someone like you—a soldier. The things that broke her will build her up for the future. That's what most of us Scouts have in common."
And as always, Commander Erwin was correct. Levi, unimpressed, scoffed at his need to bring in the ridiculous noble talk.
"You sick, twisted man. She's just a kid."