Unedited...
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Clarissa stand there frozen to her place. She closed her eyes taking a deep breath. She crouched down for once she wanted to scream yell and break thing to let this anger or hurt or pain or whatever go. When will this stop? When will he understand? Or is it her who needs to understand? She could not comprehend what she is feeling this bitterness is spreading across her like a wild fire burning.
She felt exhausted, all of this is getting out of hand.
Sebastian took a seat in front of the steer wheel of the car feeling angry and annoyed a part of him wanted to just drive off leaving her there in the parking just so he could get away from this constant pull and push. He rubbed his face.
"What are you doing?" Sebastian asked as he was waiting for her to get inside the car but she remain seated in the middle of the parking lot.
"I don't know" her words came out in a third person's point of view. Clarissa rubbed her face before taking another deep breath this time a tear trailed down her cheek.
She chuckled this is great everything is messing with her emotions now. Sebastian walked out of his car and crouched down beside her before pulling her up in a bridal style holding her in his arms. She did not even struggled to get out of his arm.
Sebastian make her seat in the front seat before taking a sit in the car. He was staring outside.
"Can you this stop? I wanted this to stop" He asked or answered she does not know.
"Stop?" Clarissa chuckled. Is this a joke he wanted to crack because she did not find it funny not even a bit.
Sebastian turn towards her.
"I know what you want but I can't.." He did not get to finish his sentence when she turn towards him.
"What I want Sebastian? Tell me? What exactly do I want?" She glare at him. Want? It's not about something as silly want. Does he think she will bet on his life for her want?
"You want Noah" He glare back his eyes turning cold.
"You won't get him" He said coolly.
If only this was so easy. It's true that she wanted Noah to remember everything. The last two years without him was difficult no not difficult it was hell.
But being with Sebastian she feel like herself again after such a long time. For that He does not need to remember. Even though a part of her ached to be with her Noah the man who has always silently stand behind her. Watching over her, loving her. If only it's about her own wants. But he needs to understand that remembering the past does not mean you will vanish. It does not mean you will sacrifice a part of yourself. She take a deep breath trying to relax arguing with him is not going anywhere.
She turn stare at him as he stare ahead his hand clenching the car wheel. Let try to be the rational one for once. She give herself a pep talk.
"Sebastian?" Clarissa touched his hand, he turn to her staring at her. She tightly pulled his hand away before standing or bending inside the car. She went to his side seating on his lap putting her leg around him. Sebastian froze at her sudden move.
"W...What are you doing?" He asked clearly uncomfortable in the situation.
"Do you think it's easy?" She asked slowly.
"What?" He asked even more awkwardly before he relaxed and adjusted to his comfort.
"It's easy for me to do this" she asked her eyes filled with unwanted tears. She is tired of this, tired of this push and pull. Tired of looking at him not sensing the familarities.
Clarissa stare at his eyes before closing in on him pressing a kiss on his forehead. Sebastian can feel his heart skipping a beat he frozen up. She softly cupped his cheek
"Do you know I care?" She asked.
"Even though I want you to remember everything I never once said anything about the past. Because as much as I hate to admit it. You have grown on me and I foolishly started caring about you"
"Though you don't act like the Sebastian I know. You are so rude, an asshole, aggressive, hateful and your habit to grab me as if I am some kind of thing" She press her hand glaring at him. His eyes widen when she dropped her head to his shoulder.
"I care about you" Sebastian put his hand around her slowly pulling her closer.
"And I feel guilty" She gulped painfully as his hand dropped. Her words burn him.
"And I feel like I am betraying Noah even though you are the same person, I feel like that Sebastian? What should I do?"
He looked away, closing his eyes.
"Tell me" She asked. Clarissa stare at him as hurt flash through his eyes.
"Don't..." He trailed off.
"Don't love him" he can his voice hoarse. Something break in him. She was getting hurt because of him.
"Forget about him" He stare at her painfully aware of what he is asking her of. He looks heart broken but he is hood at keeping his emotions in check.
This seems so absurd but words dried off of her throat she could not bring herself to argue with that.
"Fine" He blinked his eyes almost shocked that she agreed without a second thought.
"Let's do this" Her voice came out a painful whispered. She pulled her face away from his shoulder and stare at him.
"Let forget about the last 10 years and live like it never happened but.."
"But will you?" She cupped his face her finger softly trailed on his cheek.
"Will you able to live like that Bes?" She asked for a moment his eyes waver which was staring right at her.
"Will you be able to live with this insecurities for the rest of your life?" His jaw clenched as he glare at her.
"Do you think I am insecure?" he snapped grabbing her hand griping it tightly. He wanted to get away from her.
"I know I am Sebastian" He said but his eyes are begging her to believe him.
Clarissa shake her head, " You would not have reacted this way if you knew you were Sebastian"
"That's the truth whether you want to except it or not. If you knew you where then you would have also knew having your memories back does not mean you will vanish. It will only fill the gape which is eating you away"
"You don't want to forget him" He chuckled shaking his head.
"If I forget than you won't be the man I will love again. After all you are the same" She said trying to make him see what he is asking of her. Sebastian froze, that hurt more than he wanted to acknowledge.
"Remember" Clarissa take deep breath she is on verge of crying but she needs to do this.
"If you promise to remember me than I promise to wait for you" their she said it. Sebastian froze those words whispered in his head like a forgotten memory he was staring at her, a sharp pain of betrayal filled him. Something break in him. And he for the first time know that was his own heart that broke into million pieces.
"Is this your way of revenge?" He asked chuckling a bit. His voice dropped coldly as he clutch his head a sharp pain shot though his head. He take a deep breath trying to control his overwhelming emotions
Sebastian stare at her who looked away for a while before hugging him tightly.
"Do you want.. me to disappear that much?" He voice choked as he breathing harder.
"Noah" She flinched when he looked at her with betrayal.
"I .. I don't want to remember" He choked on his breath, trying not to let go of everything hurting her in the process.
He look down in pain, a part of him wanted to demand her again to love him. Make her love him even if he needs to force her to do that. He stare at her who has tears in her eyes. He did not like that. But forcing someone to love you, is he that desperate. What would he give to see her looked that way towards him?
But would not it be better, at least one of them will be happy. She will be happy. She will smiled at him like the way she used too. Just he won't be the one to make her smiled.
He pushed her away a bit holding her for a while before putting his forehead against her, closing his eyes.
"Okay" he whispered.
"If I ever vanished, don't remember me. Alright?" He asked. Clarissa froze.
"What?"
"Go ahead Clarissa. Tell me before I.. I change my mind" He said looking away from her.
She nod, "Can you get off of me?" He asked coldly.
Clarissa feel hurt a bit but did as he asked. After all she did get what she wanted then why is her heart breaking into pieces. He closed his eyes relaxing as much as he could.
"I want to tell you something before we speak about past"
"The reason why.." He cleared his throat as if it hurt him to say.
"I.. I remembered something that day."
"I was hurt, angry and I don't know what! I thought you were playing with me with that though I chased after you"
"But the truth is I wanted to know why I don't hate you touching me or Why does my legs move towards you as if I wanted to stay close to you. For me it was a game.. a game to figure you out"
'But... when ...when that turn into a war in my own heart. When the time arguing with you become special. When you will take care of me even though... When you hugged me , I feel peaceful. When I worry. When you hurt me.. When I... I what? Sebastian. Don't admit something you know will hurt you" ' He chuckled this hurts the fact that he have fallen for her even though she wants nothing to do with him. For the first time in a while he felt warmth.
"A game of who will fall first and I lost" He sighed closing his eyes as a tear trailed down his cheek. She froze words dried off of her throat.
Clarissa stare at him for a whole minute.
"Speak" He ordered coolly.
If she was in her right mind she would have argued with him ordering her around.
"F..from where?" She asked before taking a deep breath resolving herself.
Clarissa opened her mouth, a part of her screaming not to tell him this. Not to break his heart but she needs to do this for Noa for her and for Noah himself.
"I used to be a sickly kid with a rare type of disease half of the time I used to change school being sick. That's how I ended up in your school. Truth to be told I was not eager to make friends or anything but meeting you changed that change me ..." Clarissa said.
"You where so stubborn neither will you talk to me or acknowledge me. You where like a silent shadow always watching over me..."
The more she speak the more distances he seems. Slowly the awkwardness vanished and she spoke clearly remembering those fun days. Sometimes all you need to do is to turn and reminisce about the past just to fell connected to the present. And right now that's how she felt.
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When Clarissa finished the sun was already up. Clarissa turned to look at Sebastian who looks as blank as a white paper. Not even an ounce of emotion.
"Do you remember anything?" She asked though she knows it's impossible to remember right away.
"No" He silent took a bottle of pill out of the cabinet. She frowned when he gulped down before driving off. She sighed looking out, at least she tried.
"What kind of pill did you take?" Clarissa asked.
Sebastian stare ahead not uttering a words.
"Fine don't tell me" She snapped looking away. He was being rude and hurtful. And if he thinks she will let him treat her this way than he will have another thing coming towards his way.
But after that both of them keep quiet. He stared ahead gripping his finger to trying to hold the pain he was feeling doubled with the heart ache.
When they reached he opened the door. Clarissa turn towards him for the last time. A part of her wanted to stay, why does she feel uneasy about this about everything now that he knows the past not from his own memories but he does.
She walked in waiting for him to follow only to here but he did not. Thinking he might want some time alone she went inside.
Sebastian stare at her, "I am standing right here please acknowledge me."
Those words if only she could hear. He turned and drive away.
He went straight towards the only place he could be himself.
The same house they used to share though he have no idea about that till now.
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I know this is a short chapter but the next chapter will be long.
Thank you for reading dear reader.
Until next time.