A/N: Birthday update lol. I don't know why this chapter wasn't working out, it was originally supposed to be done a few days ago but I tried reworking it, so it's a bit of a mess but I want to work on the next one already. I'm considering adding music into chapters (and quite possibly naming chapter titles, most likely when I get to the later editing stages), so if you see random old chapter updates, it's nothing plot-related. I have quite the playlist going and I'm slowly sorting them out to be assigned to certain chapters. I probably will write a master list of them as I near the end of this book. Anyways, hope you enjoy some fairly mellow dialogue until the next chapter, hehe. Don't forget to comment, vote, and follow!
Chapter 37
Simon's POV
Sixteen-year-old, pre-rejection Simon probably would've been ecstatic to see Vince's face a mere few inches away from my face. Thirty-two year old, post nightmare Simon was not having it.
Sheer panic, albeit overboard, tore through my body, my senses in complete overdrive as the leftover emotions from that memory carried over from my slumber to consciousness. I could still see, could still smell the blood, could still hear my family's screams and cries as I stared at Vince's eyes in the lamp's light. It took three unbearably silent seconds for me to fully take in the sight of Vince practically straddling over me. He was looking at me with an unreadable expression, or I quite possibly didn't have the capability to even process what kind of expression he had. After all, in retrospect, I've never seen this look before on his face, as most were of malice whenever he looked at me. Concern and worry were never expressions he wore around me.
It was like an out-of-body experience. I could tell I had been screaming, the dryness in my throat burned like wildfire as I let out pained whimpers. The feeling of earthquake-sized tremors wracked my body, and the flood of tears welled near my eyes. I was hyper aware of my heartbeat, wracking against my rib cage like a drum but I wasn't in control of any of it at all.
It's just a nightmare, I kept telling myself, trying to focus on my breathing. In. Out. Just a nightmare.
Vince was on the phone with someone as he slowly scooted away from me, sitting back down to focus on the call. He was staring at anything but my face now with a weird look on his face. I couldn't understand what he was saying, the only thing I could hear was my heart pounding. He seemed on edge, almost nervous. He ran a hand through his hair, and that's when I noticed the scratch marks on his upper arm. Some were fairly deep, blood slowly dripping towards the crease of his elbow.
"D-did I do that?" My voice was scratchy and distorted, I wasn't sure he could even understand me as I pointed a shaky hand towards his arm.
He paused, glancing at me before looking at his arm. Things were starting to become less hazy, as I heard him say instead of replying, "Chase should be here soon."
He was avoiding the question, avoiding everything really. He didn't try to stop the bleeding from his arm, didn't even spare me another glance as I tried to read him. He was acting strange, even as Chase walked into the room. He had shot out of bed like it was on fire, walking with large strides until he sat on the couch, staring straight ahead even as Chase tried to question him.
Vince muttered something incoherent before Chase gave up and asked me what happened. I told him it was a nightmare, answering his questions curtly. He mentioned Aspen's name but I couldn't focus, instead just watching Vince sit there so despondent. And then I noticed his hands shaking. He was staring at them, the blood still unfazed him as he seemed to try and control the slight tremors. He was acting like he had witnessed the nightmare I relived. Which was impossible, unless...he did?
And as Chase went on to check my vitals, I could feel it. He was hurting. Just like when Sarah walked out on him. And as pathetic as it sounded, I just wanted to know if he was alright. He seemed just as scared as I was.
Before I could bring it up to Chase, to tell him to check on Vince, Aspen stormed in, Sarah and Xavier close behind. All this for some nightmare, how embarrassing. And by the look on Aspen's face, he was not having it either.
Aspen looked at me for a few seconds, relieved I was fine before whirling around, rushing at Vince who hardly flinched as he gripped the front of his shirt and growled. "What the hell did you do?"
Stop, I mind-linked Aspen. Just a nightmare.
He gave Vince one last shove before sitting with me on the bed. It's not just the nightmare I worry about, he responded before taking me in his arms, pulling my head to his chest.
"I know," I mumbled into his chest, letting myself relax as I breathed in his familiar scent. "I know."
"Vince, you should step out," Chase told him just as I rested my head on Aspen's shoulder. "I'll handle the rest."
On his way out, Xavier went to check his bleeding arm, but Vince just jerked away from him, brushing past him as he stepped out. Xavier glanced back at me with a frown before following his brother.
I released a breath I didn't realize I was holding, the swirling emotions from that dream taking a toll as it set in. I was crying again, that heavy feeling in my chest growing as I clutched the front of Aspen's shirt. "It hurts," I told him, trying to focus on each breath I took.
"I know," he rubbed the spot between my shoulder blades. "I got you."
Exhaling shakily, I reiterated, "It happened again, but it still hurts."
"I know."
"I thought it'd get better." I sniffled. "Why does it still hurt so much?"
Aspen hugged me tighter, before pulling apart to look me in the eyes. "It's all that bastard's fault. Just forget about him already."
I frowned, then pouted. Sarah who had stood at the foot of the bed with Chase walked hesitantly over, placing a tentative but gentle hand on my shoulder.
I looked away from them before saying cautiously, "we were having a good day. Things were fine, though."
I could sense Aspen's frustration rolled off, but it was true. Making dinner with them was nice, and even if it had ended awkwardly, it was probably the closest to 'normal' we had gotten to. Surprisingly, Aspen didn't argue, instead, squeezing my hand. "Stay with us," he finally said. "For now."
"But-"
He glared at me while squeezing my hand harder. I bit my lip before nodding to him, glancing at Sarah. She smiled softly at me before glancing at Chase who was preoccupied with his phone.
"Even if it's just for the night," Aspen assured me. "Stay with us."
I didn't want to argue with him but it felt like such a roadblock. I didn't want to go back to the beginning again, not when I thought we were getting somewhere yesterday. After all, it was just a nightmare. But Aspen always was overprotective around me and Cedar, often taking things to the extreme. I honestly was surprised he let Cedar stay with Bryce.
Chase put his phone back in his pocket before approaching us. He rested his hand on my shoulder. "How're you feeling?"
"Better," I told him before reiterating, "calmer."
He smiled before mind-linking me, you still have the pills I gave you? I nodded, appreciating the privacy of his question, away from Aspen's prying.
"That's good to hear," he replied. "Don't be afraid to reach out to me or Tammy. We're available twenty-four seven."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." He patted my shoulder before heading towards the door. It's okay to ask for help sometimes. Don't be afraid to take the pills if necessary.
---
After setting my bags down next to the door, I couldn't help but notice how warm Sarah's, and now Aspen's home felt. Her home was littered with knick-knacks, memorabilia, and family photos on the walls and shelves. She had mentioned this was her childhood home, and I was in awe at how homey it felt. Vince's place was fairly sterile, only a few pieces that stood out and really made it feel like his place. Both were a far bigger step up from the motel room. I was happy that Aspen had a place to call home now. And I was certain Cedar was enjoying his home with Bryce as well.
And no matter the outcome of me being here, I was happy that at least I had given them what they deserved. If only Aspen could see it that way.
I spent the majority of the morning trying to snooze on the couch, desperate to get a little more sleep from last night's fiasco. After around nine in the morning, I gave up, instead, heading to the kitchen for something to eat. Aspen was sipping on his coffee when I had walked in.
"How are you feeling?" He asked, his coffee mug lingering against his lip. Before I could even say 'fine,' he narrowed his eyes. "Honestly."
I stared at his mug, not wanting to meet his eyes. "Tired. Physically and emotionally. You would know that already though. We've been through this how many times already."
He set the mug down. "I know. I just hope that one day it'll be different."
"Me too," I replied. Aspen picked up his mug, swirling it around before taking another swig of it.
"You're a good person, Simon." He whispered. "If I was in your shoes, I'd kill him the first chance I had. Bond and all."
"I could never."
"I know."
I breathed in deeply, then out. It wasn't like I hadn't thought of that. In the beginning, I was so angry, so hurt that there wasn't a day I didn't think about hurting him back. But it had also been a time I was so self-destructive. I couldn't fathom the thought of physically killing Vince, but I knew that the bond could. And I knew that if I had died, it would've killed him too eventually. It was in those first few years that I had woken up in motel bathrooms and on the floor more times than I had slept in beds. When the scars and pain pills were a nearly daily ritual.
But subconsciously, I still couldn't do it. Even in my most angry and sad days, I just couldn't follow through with it. Maybe it was my wolf, or maybe I knew my death would mean nothing; it wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't bring them back. It wouldn't make Vince come running and regret everything. And even if I hurt Vince, I would get hurt in the process too.
And as fucked up as it sounded, I learned I didn't want Vince to get hurt; I wanted him to be happy. Even after everything, I just wanted him to be happy. And no matter how much Aspen thought I was crazy for that, it was the sad truth I learned to accept.
"I wouldn't do that to you," Aspen said. "Hurt him, I mean. As much as I'd like to. But I will throw punches if it comes down to it, just so you know."
He raised his mug in salute before smiling. "And you're not special, I told the same thing to Cedar. I'm not afraid of Vince, and I'm definitely not afraid of Bryce. No matter how tall and buff he is."
"I wouldn't doubt that," I replied, smiling softly. "How is Cedar?"
Aspen rolled his eyes. "That kid is going to give me a heart attack one day. I thought his rebellious phase passed already."
"Well, he is technically an adult."
"That doesn't mean I'm not his brother anymore," he frowned. "And to me, he'll always be a kid."
"Oh, I don't know." I leaned in to whisper, "I'm sure they've already, you know...."
"Nope," Aspen raised his voice, keeping it at a medium to not wake Sarah in the other room. "He better not, or I will kick his ass, and his buff boyfriend's ass too."
"He is quite buff isn't he?" I laughed, Aspen finally chuckling along after trying to stay mad at the thought of them together.
---
Sarah and Aspen were seated on the couch, semi-watching some movie that was playing on TV. I felt like a definite third wheel, seated on the other end as they sat together with their hands interlaced. I could see Aspen's head nodding off, probably exhausted from this morning, while Sarah was focused on tracing patterns on the back of his hand with her free hand more than the movie.
She flipped through some channels before finally turning it off, laying down on her back with her head in Aspen's lap. A few seconds passed in silence before Aspen finally succumbed to sleep, the left side of his face squished against the pillow he was propped up against. Aspen always wore a pained expression when he slept, but now, next to Sarah, it was like he could finally relax. I smiled at the sight of them, nestled together like they had always been together.
It hurt to know that he had waited for this moment for so long. Nearly two decades of not knowing where or if your mate was alive, not knowing if you'd ever be with your fated match. And I couldn't help but feel just an ounce of responsibility for it.
"Do you hate me?" I finally said out loud, a question that I loathed to hear the truth but also wished to know the answer to for a long time now. I couldn't bear to even glance at her, as I waited for her answer.
"That's ridiculous," she replied incredulously. "Why would I hate you?"
"I-I don't know," I muttered, my hands shaking at this point. "You missed out on this. With Aspen. Instead, you were stuck with Vince."
I gestured to the both of them, watching as she looked at me confusedly. "Why would that make me hate you?"
"I don't know," I said, not even sure what I was thinking. "It's just-I don't know. You should've been with him. Not-not with-"
"Simon," she said firmly, sitting up and grabbing my shaking hands in hers. I hadn't even realized how badly my whole body was shaking, sweat beginning to form. "Breathe. None of that was your fault. What makes you think that?"
I tried to slow my breathing. "I-I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have done that."
"Shouldn't have done what?"
"I should've never told him," I sucked in a breath before whispering the last part. "About us."
I wasn't sure what it was, but with Sarah, I felt like I could tell her everything. All the pent up feelings, the opinions that Aspen would've surely shot down and discredited. It didn't matter how illogical or irrational I sounded, but I had needed this. I needed to tell someone what I had thought deep down. I hadn't even told Aspen how I felt about this, knowing he would call me stupid or ridiculous. There was just something about Sarah that I felt like she wouldn't judge me.
"Oh, hun," she gasped, before taking the giant mess I was in her arms. I was crying again for probably the upteenth time again today. "Why do you say that? He's your mate."
I shook my head, the memory of me telling him replaying over in my head. "His father...they found him the day before I turned sixteen."
I wasn't sure I could finish, but she squeezed my hand, rubbing circles on the back of my hand soothingly. "He-he couldn't even grieve...and I-I foolishly told him. They didn't even know who had killed him, and I-I just-"
"Simon." She placed her hand on my cheek, brushing the relentless tears away from my cheeks. "Anyone would've done the same thing. He's your mate. I would've done the same."
"But-"
"Besides," she interjected. "What does that have to do with me hating you?"
I couldn't look her in the eyes, my own crazy logic not making sense anymore. "I don't know. I could've done something different. Maybe if I had waited, or not told him at all and kept it a secret, maybe you'd still end up with Aspen. Maybe he wouldn't have rushed to find a luna, or be with you."
She shook her head before tilting my chin to look up at her. "Maybe, he should've appreciated you for who you are. He's the one at fault, not you. It was never your fault, Simon. Regardless of whatever maybe you come up with, nothing changes that Vince is at fault."
I let her words sink in. No matter how many times Aspen had told me the same thing, hearing it from Sarah made me want to believe it. Deep down, I knew I had shouldered some of the burden blaming it on myself over him. But the truth was that Vince had a bigger part to it than I wanted to believe, and hearing it from someone who had been led to believe a different side of Vince for years made it all that more real.
"I'm sorry," I finally whispered. "I'm so sorry."
"Hun," she said as a few tears slid down her face. "I'm the one would should be sorry. I had believed his lies for years. You were the one that suffered the most, not me."
I shook my head, not wanting her to feel sorry either. Even if she had known about me and Vince, there wasn't anything she could've said or done.
"I couldn't imagine dealing with the things you've been through, Simon. Aspen told me about your family, about what it does to you, and it's not okay. The fact that Vince had gotten away with that, is really a disgrace. And if I could, I'd beat Vince senseless, just like Aspen wants to every day. It's just not fair. And as much I hate seeing you near him, I get it. He's your mate. You want to see the good in him. And I for sure would love to know exactly why he did those horrendous things to you too."
She sighed before wiping her tears away too. "You deserve to know, Simon, to know why he did that."
Sam had said the same thing before I left, about finding the closure I needed.
"And you know what?" She shook her head angrily. "He didn't let you grieve either."