My ankle had healed surprisingly faster than I had expected. During my healing process, the first unit had to do all the chores in my stead. They did the laundry, cleaning and cooking. Some of the men actually complained about the bland taste. It made me happy that they loved meals I made for them. They still couldn't refuse the food though.
When I could manage to limp around, those men teased me, calling me a turtle. I was about to throw my clog at them when Hijikata came out of his room and reprimanded them, "She's like this because of you! Now get out of the way!"
Hijikata would occasionally feign passing through my room to check at my situation even only a glance. Every morning, a packet of Ishida Sanyaku with a cup of sa-ke would be left on a tray in front of my room. No matter how bad his mood was, he would always have the medicine prepared in the morning for me.
The demon surprised me a couple of time when he peeked into my room. It would make me fluster and he would take the cue to leave. It was partly my fault because I purposely left the door slightly open for the breeze to enter. What he did soothed the tension between us and my cheeks would warm up sometimes at the sight of him.
It had been approximately a month and a half Kondo and the others went to Iwakuni and they were finally coming back. It was not a confidential so the men of Shinsengumi were notified about it and they cheered for their brothers' return.
Their return meant my time to decide what to do regarding Itou. He would ask about my answer to his proposal and I would have to ask him about his haori.
I was cleaning the dishes after lunch when the men went to welcome the company from Iwakuni. Cheers were heard clearly along with wishes for their safety. They probably had a little bit chit chat by the entrance before returning to their own posts to unpack their stuff. Kondo must have gone to unpack and would directly head for Hijikata's room to discuss about what they had found in Iwakuni while the others would take their time to rest.
After cleaning all the dishes, I headed to my room to get the clothes which were given to me to sew. When I stepped out of my room, Itou was already there gazing at me. Discomfort smothered me all over with doubt and uncertainty. No matter how uncomfortable I was, I wanted the truth.
"Sayo... I have returned for you." He said.
"Please don't sweet talk to me." I slipped my feet into my clogs as I went to stand beside him.
"Are you mad of me for being away for such a long time?"
"Here are the clothes I was asked to sew. Please come to the laundry field once you have returned those clothes to their respective owners." I peered at him as I shoved the bundle of clothes onto his chest. Bewildered at my reaction, Itou stared at me confusingly as he took the bundle.
Therefore, I marched my way to the laundry field and waited for his nose to appear. It was almost suffocating, waiting as I wondered what kind of answer he would give. What should I do if he turns out guilty? He came about a minute later with the haori in question.
"Sayo..." He called as he came closer.
"Don't come near me." I said, taking a distance just in case he wanted to do something out of my imagination. "Please explain, Itou-san."
"This haori is indeed... mine." He admitted and it made me shiver.
"Were you the one who assaulted me?" My chest tightened and it was difficult for me to keep my composure calm.
"Yes." His eyebrows were almost knitted together as he looked at me full of sorrow in his orbs. "Sayo... To be honest, I was sceptical about having a maid in Shinsengumi. It wouldn't do anything good for you. I was doubting Hijikata-kun's decision and I decided to put you to test."
"What for?" My voice cracked. My eyes were becoming warm and tears started to well up in fear and in contempt.
"Shinsengumi is a place filled with barbarians; men of lower caste and men with no education. For a mere girl like you to be here is dangerous. It is more dangerous if enemies decided to attack our headquarters. What would become of you... is unimaginable." He explained, looking very concerned to my case. "As a counsellor... I had the obligation to take decision according to my judgment but I didn't want to judge you according to your looks."
"... So?"
"I am very sorry." Itou knelt down and brought his head to the ground.
"What about the one who barged into my room and ransacked my stuff?" My fists balled up as it trembled by my sides.
"Please, Sayo. Bear no ill of my younger brother, Suzuki Mikisaburo. He was following my orders. Please, Sayo." He lifted his head and went for another deep bow. His voice started to crack and his shoulders shook but he was trying to suppress them. "Please, forgive him. Let there be no shame on him. Let there be no shame on my family. We have two sisters in hometown. Who will feed them if not us?"
"I forgive him." I said. "But what about you?"
"I apologize for what I have done and for what I have seen."
"...What you have seen?" His apology doubled my worry. I knew it in my head but I didn't want to think about it.
"Your scar." The moment he said so, I felt my pride and confidence, everything that I was, crumble down. Tears poured and I ran. Quickly, he rose and pulled me back by my wrist. I struggled and I didn't want to listen to him.
"Sayo! Calm down!" He placated.
"Release me!"
"I know that you feel worthless but I see the worth in you! I can see why you refuse marriage! I was wrong and I am guilty about it! That's why I am here to compensate it! I will save your worth and pride as a woman and I will protect you from any harm!"
"How am I supposed to believe you?! You whose mouth is filled with sweet words! How can I trust you?!" Struggling free, I glared at him as I took a distance.
"If you can't trust me, trust our commander!" He said.
"Kondo-san...? Why? What does this have to do with him?"
"Tell him of this and let me die of honour." He forced a smile while his eyes glistened with tears.
"Are you making a fool out of me?!"
"I'm taking consequences of my actions." Calmly, he placed his knees down on the ground as he faced me. "I have told you. I am ready to die for you." He exposed his torso and placed a dagger before him. It was a stance men took when condemned to commit seppuku.
Again, he made me his life line which I would never want to be. Itou was a difficult man. "I..." Opening my mouth, I knew one thing for sure. "I don't want you to die. That's all." Finishing my words, I left.
"Wait!" Itou halted me. "Please" He begged desperately.
"..." I did not turn back to look at him. I was afraid that if I did, I would forgive this man.
"You still wear the hair pin which I gave. I'm glad." Relieved, perhaps, he smiled widely for the chance given. "Thank you. About the answer, you don't have to rush—"
"Since you are not dead, it's mine." I said bluntly as I marched my way to the kitchen, my sanctuary. After washing my face and made sure that my eyes were not puffy, I grabbed a broom and went to sweep the field. Surely, there was a pile for me to get rid of along with the knots in my head.
I thought my composure would stay long.... It didn't. Moments that we shared repeated itself crystal clear in my mind as if my brain was telling me that he was truly in love with me and wanted my hand in marriage. It wasn't as if I didn't want marriage. Just like any other girls, I wanted a beautiful marriage. However, as long as the scar on my chest remained... I could never feel worthy of anyone. Yet, towards a woman who couldn't take care of herself, Itou was willing to accept in order to protect my honour as a woman. Itou was a scholar and he was also a counsellor for Shinsengumi. He was also a man of literature and art. A fine man he was.
But what is this lingering feeling? A feeling in which I don't want to disappoint Hijikata-san. I sighed. The moment I sighed, I dropped a cup. The sound of it broken into pieces was a loud reminder that I had long finished clearing the field from scattered leaves. Picking up shards of the cup, I sighed again. Facing Itou, it was as if I failed to function as normal human being. It was as if he was my weakness.
"I need to check whether those men have cleaned up their beds properly." And I bumped my head at the door.
"I need to get the laundry." And I got myself wrapped in the sheets.
"Sayo! Sayo-chan!" The fabulous three came rushing to me when I was on my way back to my room to rest since I couldn't find my peace elsewhere.
"Come on! We have gotten our pay. We, men, will take you to the promised treat!" They said in unison.
"Eh?"
"We have gotten the permission from Hijikata-san too! Come on!" Thus, they dragged me away into the town. They went in a sukiyaki store and ordered large size for each of us. Not long after the food arrived, food-fight happened. Heisuke had a slice of meat smacked on his face which he ate regardless. Harada had a slice of meat flown to the top of his head and Nagakura... apparently got the flying slice of meat right into his mouth at the perfect timing.
After having a feast, I could feel my tummy at the verge of bursting which they laughed at. What was to be done when there was a laid out scrumptious food in front of you? Eat. Having wonderful treat which turned those three penniless immediately made us happy.
"Can't you eat properly?!" The voice of a woman caught my attention suddenly. There was a mother and son. The son looked to be around the age of two. The mother heaved a sigh before smiling helplessly at her chubby son who had sauces on his cheeks. It made me wonder if I would have a similar future if I agreed to the proposal.
"Sayo? Hey, Sayo!" Soon enough, Heisuke brought me back to reality.
"What's wrong?" Harada asked.
"Yeah. You seem out of place." Nagakura added as he sipped his tea.
"I was just wondering what happiness is." I said before finishing the last gulp of my lukewarm green tea.
"Happiness, eh? Happiness for me would be to have a woman to love!" Nagakura claimed as he grinned.
"My happiness would be... to serve our motherland!" Heisuke exclaimed next.
"Hey, that's our happiness!" Harada commented and they laughed at each other.
I, on the other hand, found myself still lost. What is happiness to me? With simply one query, my mind spun around it. It spawned more queries. What is marriage to me? Will it bring me happiness? The fact that most women of my age would have married and carry a child, made me insecure.
The three went to pay for the food and after that with our bellies full of scrumptious sukiyaki we returned to the headquarters. We parted our ways.
Finding no answer yet, I realized that Shinsengumi was in a sense, my haven. I did not know what I would be if I had married to Amatsuki Tenryuu of Tosa Clan but I knew that there was high potential of adding oil to the already burning tension between Pro-Shogunate Clans and Anti-Shogunate Clans. Being in Shinsengumi under Aizu Clan, Pro-Shogunate team, made it possible for me to have my engagement called off. Katamori must have hoped the same even if he did not directly involve himself.
I was grateful of the current life. Even if I didn't get the happiness which the society defined, at least I was happy that I was a use for some people. Even if I couldn't be proud of myself as a woman, I could be proud of myself as a servant. Surely, I had to thank Hijikata for it.
Taking a step into my room, I could see a piece of paper lying on the floor near the door. Picking it up, I read. "At i no chuu-koku [1], come inside Sannan Keisuke's room."
"What is this?" Flipping the paper around to look for a name, it turned out anonymous. Thinking that someone must have wanted to ask me out by arranging such meeting, I thought it was bound to happen sooner or later. I was the only woman after all. I believed it was wise to reject him properly lest he kept pestering. Sannan's room was quite near Kondo's room, if he dared to do anything, I could scream.
П
When I slid the shoji door open, dust flew straight into my face. Coughing as I waved my hand around my face to get rid of the fluttering dusts, I stepped inside and shut the door behind me.
Oh, Sayo? What's wrong?
As if he was never gone, I could almost hear his voice ringing by my ears. The gentle tone I never thought I would miss. A wave of cold breeze swept past me in the abyss, brushing lightly by my temple, as if it was a sign. I spun quickly to see empty desk, void of care and void of legacies
You will be remembered... Sannan-san.
I had been waiting inside the room for an hour while in remembrance of Sannan. I didn't expect the man who asked me out through a note would be late. Nevertheless, about an hour I had waited and my ears finally caught the sound of steps. From the sound, there were two men.
Calm down, Sayo. You can always scream at the top of your lungs. It's one of your specialties. Don't worry. Waiting for those steps to get near, they didn't get near at all. Shortly, I could hear a conversation. It was faint but it was sufficient for me to hear.
"What is it, Hijikata-kun?" It was Itou.
"I need to talk about Sayo."
Why are they here?
"What do you mean?" Itou asked, finding it weird for Hijikata to talk to him about me.
"You have been targeting her, haven't you?"
"Targeting? Please, watch your manners. I truly am interested in her. Everyone knows she's a fine woman." Itou retorted.
Hijikata sighed heavily. "What are you planning?"
"I am not planning anything." Itou answered almost immediately. At that point, I could hear shift of movement. Hijikata must have taken a step closer to Itou.
"Who do you think you are trying to fool?!" There was a suppressed growl in Hijikata's voice. It sounded as if he had been wanting to confront Itou.
"I plan to marry her." Itou answered in a firm manner.
"Hmph. You should know that there's a huge gap between you two in term of social status. She is just a maid." From Hijikata's response, Itou's answer wasn't a surprise. He must have figured that.
"I believe you should know that she is a woman of Aizu clan of Matsudaira family. She is a fine daughter of samurai. No matter how hard you try to hide it, do you think I won't notice your efforts in concealing her identity?"
"Kashitarou, you—" Hijikata did not expect Itou to know of my identity and I was equally dumbfounded. Just how much more did he know about my background? Fear crept up on me and it only grew larger.
"I believe you know the reason why she refuses to marry her fiancé." Itou attempted to reason.
"How much do you know?" Hijikata snarled.
"I know plenty enough to feel the necessity to protect her. She lost her father, the only shoulder she is supposed to lean on before another man."
"What are you trying to say?"
"She lost her father due to Shinsengumi. Don't you think we have to compensate?" Itou proceeded to convey his point. "Hijikata-kun, Sayo feels inferior to other women. Adding to that, she must be feeling shameful due to her failed marriage which is also because of Shinsengumi."
"No. She lost her father because of mission—"
"—On what base?"
"The mission was under my order." At this point, Hijikata seemed to have lost interest in continuing the conversation. From the sound of it, he took steps to leave but Itou held him back.
"Are you saying you are the one who killed her father?!" Itou sounded stunned. The incident happened before Itou joined Shinsengumi after all.
I was thunderstruck. Covering my mouth with my palms, I felt a cry threatening to leak but I held myself back and stayed silent to listen as my eyes were blurred by tears.
"So, what if it's true? It doesn't change the fact that it was due to mission."
"You are speaking as if it was a deliberate action... Hijikata-kun, if you are going to take back or fix your words, please. If Sayo knew this..."
"What is there to be taken back? A samurai doesn't deny his own words."
He killed father purposely? All my respect, expectations and hope shattered into pieces and turned into pile of disappointment and disdain. It hurt to hear. How I wished I was deaf so I didn't have to swallow such bitter truth.
Did he acknowledge me as compensation? Did he care for me as an apology? Did he even care in the first place? My acknowledgement was a form of sympathy? My chest tightened and there was a prick in my heart.
"... I see. I am convinced to make her mine." Itou added.
"Do as you like." Hijikata said and left.
That night, I mourned for my father. I mourned for myself. And I mourned at the truth.
[1] Hour of the Pig. Ranges around 9PM-11PM. I no chuu-koku(middle segment of the time.) is around 10PM.