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CHAPTER 11.
ELEANOR
Birthday ng daddy ni Yanna, well, of course dito nag-join forces ang pamilya namin. I know naman na sa mga pamilya namin ang kumpanya nitong pamilya ni Yanna ang pinakamayaman. A lot of people were invited, ni hindi ko nga nakita si Yanna sa sobrang crowded.
Honestly, I didn't even want to be here. I still have to study but pinilit ako ni daddy, to "relieve stress" daw pero mas lalo akong na-stress knowing na sobrang dami ng gawain pagbalik ko. I can't even enjoy this party, this is the lamest party I've ever been to.
"Kumain ka na?" nagulat ako sa boses ni Yedam nang tabihan niya ako sa table ng pamilya ko.
"Ayaw kong kumain." sagot ko kay Yedam.
I was wearing a long blue dress and I even wore make up for this party for me to sit here the whole time and wait for something to happen. Ang boring.
"Masarap naman yung pagkain ha." sambit niya, habang hawak hawak niya ang platong may lumpiang shanghai.
"Wala akong gana." walang emosyon na sabi ko.
"E'di sana 'di ka na lang pumunta." napakunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. Mukha bang ginusto ko 'to?
"Pinilit lang ako ni Dad, madami talaga akong gagawin." humalukipkip ako habang pinapanood ang mga matatandang nakikipagchikahan sa harap ko.
Halatang nagpaplastikan lang sila.
"Musta kayo ng mommy mo?" nilapit niya pa ang upuan niya sa tabi ko.
"Ayon, she still hates me." sagot ko.
It's been like weeks, she still hasn't talked to me even though Ms. Kim told her I got the "highest" sa quiz na 'yon. Obviously, it wasn't enough for her. I need to have perfect scores para makabawi sa kanya. So, parang wala lang din yung ginawa ni Yoshi.
Since that day, ayaw ko na lang kausapin si Yoshi, hindi ako komportable sa mga ganoong bagay, lalo na't ayaw niyang sabihin kung sino nagsabi sa kanya na iligtas ang grado ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kinailangan niya gawin 'yon. Dahil naawa siya sa akin? Mas nagiging guilty lang ako pagka ganoon.
"Tara, tiktok tayo." Aya ni Yedam, nakahawak na siya sa cellphone niya. Hindi ko namalayan tapos na siya kumain.
Tinatapat niya sa akin ang camera niya pero hindi ako tumitingin. I hate taking pictures of videos, I don't want my ugly face to show on camera. A song from TikTok plays but I kept on pushing his phone away from me. Ang annoying ha.
"Yedam, wala ako sa mood." mahinhin kong sinabi at saka nilayo niya na sa akin ang cellphone niya.
"Hindi ganyan yung dati kong ate Eli." saad niya.
Anong dating ate Eli? Pinagsasabi niya? It's been a long time since he last called me "Ate" kaya nabigla ako sa sinabi niya.
"What?" I asked, confused about what he said.
"Yung ate Eli ko dati, masiyahin." sambit niya and I got confused. Alam ko naman na hindi ako katulad noong dati pero hindi naman ako masiyahin kahit noon pa.
"What are you saying? When I was born with this family, I already knew I wasn't happy."
Napaawang ang labi niya, "Dati, kaya mo pang magpanggap na masaya ka. Ngayon halata na talagang hindi ka masaya."
"Paano mo naman nasabi?" nagtataka kong tanong.
"Ayan, tingnan mo yang sarili mo. Bihira na lang kita makitang ngumingiti." I frowned even more. Parang paiyak na.
Then I realized, I changed... a lot.
Hindi na ako yung dating Eleanor.
That night, I was worried. I didn't know what I was worried about, but I felt like hating myself even more. Nakakagalit. Nagagalit ako kasi hindi ko minamahal yung sarili ko. Hindi ko kayang piliin yung sarili ko kahit pinapatay na ako ng mga demonyo ko, hindi ko pa din kayang lumaban. Ang sakit.
We got home and my mother was drunk, my dad guided her way in the house and ako, ganon pa din naman. Yung itsura ko noong pumunta ako doon, ganon pa din kahit noong umuwi ako. I literally just sat there the whole time with Yedam. I didn't even got to talk to him a lot dahil napaisip ako sa mga sinabi niya. Kaya pag-uwi ko, hindi ako masyado napagod, dahil wala din naman akong ginawa.
"Ma'm Eleanor, ang ganda pa din ha." puri ni ate Mariel, pagkapasok ko sa loob ng bahay.
"Malamang, walang ginawa yan 'roon. Sitting pretty lang." nagsalita si mommy. My dad shushed her.
My dad had my mom's arm around him dahil lasing na lasing yung mommy ko, madami siguro siyang nakita na kumare niya roon kaya sinulit niya na dahil marami din siyang trabaho. Nagmana talaga ako sa kanya. Umiinom kahit maraming gawain sa susunod na araw. But, I hope I don't end up like her.
I don't want to end up like her.
I went to my room, removing my make up and changed into my sleepwear. I looked at the load of tasks on my study table. I drank my water and let out a breath. Kakayanin ko pa ba 'to? It was a Sunday night and all tasks are due the next day. I don't even have the energy to do all of this, but I wasn't even tired. I'm overthinking too much and I couldn't start anything.
My eyes immediately went to the big teddy bear at the corner of my room.
Vodka.
Should I?
I might end up like mom, who's a controlling freak with a fake attitude who doesn't even give a fuck about her daughter's mental health.
I don't want to become a monster.
I hesitated so many times if I should just drink alcohol or not. I know I shouldn't. I might walk around the streets again and meet him, again. I already experienced a lot of humiliation in life and I don't think I can handle if I ever humiliated myself again.
At this point I just wanted to cry.
God. I need some fresh air.
Being inside this room, this house is killing me and I don't think I can handle this.
It was 10PM and I decided to go outside and walk for a while, stopping myself for drinking alcohol. Imbis na dumaan sa bintana, nilaksan ko ang loob ko at dumaan na lang sa front door namin. No one will notice. Buti na lang wala kaming security guard and ang mga yaya lang namin ang nagbabantay dito. Siguro tulog na sila.
I just need to fight my demons, this time. I should just wander around and choose my health, myself, me. I need to choose me. Madami pa akong gustong gawin paglaki ko. Ayaw ko namang mamamatay na lang ako dito. Hindi puwede. Kailangan ko lumaban.
I walked around the streets wearing only my pajamas and my hoodie. The fresh air hit my face, I felt calm. The vibe of the night was... familiar. It felt like I've been here but I never really remember anything. Well, of course, I was always drunk and now that I went out for the first time by myself. It feels... weird. But, I had the guts to walk around everywhere.
"Psst, sexy!" nagulat ako sa narinig kong boses sa may tabi ng 711. An man catcalled me! I turned around and see a group of men sa labas ng store. Ang dami nila.
My hands started to shake, I felt anxious. I felt unsafe. Should I just run back home?
I stared at the man who was just sitting and smoking a cigarette with his friends outside the convenient store. Nagulat ako, ang dami nila. Mukha silang mga estudyante. I wanted to buy ramen noodle but I couldn't walk inside, natatakot ako sa grupo ng lalaki na 'yon! Baka bigla akong manyakin.
"Sexy, pasok na, oh." binuksan nang isa ang pinto ng store pero nanatili pa din akong nakatayo doon.
"Bilis," one of them urged but I just stood there.
Natatakot ako. Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko. Kinakabahan ako, feeling ko hindi ako ligtas sa lugar na 'to. Nakakatakot sila! Ayaw kong lumapit doon. Ang daming lalaki. Hindi ko kaya.
"Uy, babe. Andito ka na pala?" nagulat ako nang may naramdaman akong umakbay sa akin. Pamilyar yung amoy niya, ngunit hindi ko maalala kung saan ko naamoy 'yon. Pagtingala ko, siya nanaman ang nakita ko.
Si Jihoon.
He was wearing a muscle tee. Parang siga.
"Oh, anong ginagawa niyo diyan?!" tanong niya doon sa grupo ng lalaki. "Ba't niyo binabastos yung girlfriend ko?"
Girlfriend?!
The group of men looked nervous, napabitaw sila sa mga yosi nila at nagsimulang maglakad paalis. Hindi na sila pumatol pero nakatutok ang nanggagalit na mga mata nila kay Jihoon.
"Ano?! Ang sama ng tingin niyo ha? Mas maangas kayo sa akin?" pinakitaan niya pa ng braso niya, unti unting lumapit si Jihoon sa kanila at bigla silang tumakbo.
Hindi ko napansin na umiiyak na pala ako. Natakot ako. Buti na lang, narito si Jihoon. Baka nga napahamak pa ako kung wala siya.
"Oh, Miss Eli. Okay ka lang?" hinawakan niya ang magkabilang balikat ko habang bumuhos ang luha ko sa pisngi ko.
He let out a breath and pulled me into a hug.
"Huwag kang matakot. Lagi naman akong nandito."
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kunwari saturday update 'to
pero 1am na hahaha. sunday is rest day
kaya walang ud later, ito na yung ud for yesterday
sorry kung na-late. ok bye.