"I don't really remember much, and what I can remember might seem crazy. I recall seeing... Nothing. The whole place was just so dark and filled with whispers of some kind of scattered chant."
"I looked down to see where I was but it just felt like I was floating, I couldn't even see myself. I couldn't breathe but yet I was still alive and my throat felt like I was continuously chugging down buckets of...fire?"
"There was this voice, this weird creepy voice that kept shouting something. I can't remember what but I remember that it said something about me being trapped... that there was no way out."
"My whole body felt so... hot. And I looked down and that's where I saw them... the chains had just come out of nowhere and strangled my ankles, wrist and neck......" Cole paused and turned to see the look on Emma's face; he couldn't quite decipher it, and decided to continue.
"I couldn't think of anything but the pain, my brain seemed to have had a black out, then all of sudden, words... The words Andrew had spoken when we went to get the Candy Floss, flashed through my head. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I know he said something about a voice, a voice that seemed clouded in the mist of my fears...."
He took in a shaky breath, leaned his head back against the bedhead, and clutched his hands together tightly, trying desperately to control his feelings that were threatening to pour out.
"Then I heard it. It had said; 'Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.' And..... I did. I called...I believed. And I was saved." He chuckled bitterly and closed his eyes tighter as the tears he had held back sprouted into view. He finally turned to look at Emma, who had become deadly silent.
"That's the truth. I was saved by a God that I mocked, ridiculed and so desperately despised, just because I said I believe. What if I didn't? What if I hadn't believed? I'd probably be in hell wont I?" Cole said, letting out another bitter chuckle and laying his head back on the bedhead to face away from Emma once he didn't get a response.
They just sat there, moments of silence passed by before the silence was finally shattered. "No."
Cole's eyebrows furrowed at the response. "What do you mean by 'No' " Cole said, still not sparing her a look but seeing in the corner of her eye as Emma stared at him.
"Even if you didn't say you believe, you may not have gone to hell. Cole, that's not how grace works." Cole finally turned to look at her, his grey eyes now shaded black.
"What do you mean by 'That's not how grace works?' Emma, do you know who I am? Do you know what I've done in this life?" His lip quivered as he fought back the urge to just scream. His whole body inwardly shook and it was taking him all his might to keep that vibration from showing out.
Emma didn't say a word. She just looked back at him, her expression unreadable, waiting for him to keep going.
He shook his head and tried to keep his voice from booming through the whole house, only succeeding to lower it to a louder than medium tone.
"Emma, I've killed, not some useless kill-them-with-your-words, kind of killing! I've killed! Three people Emma! Not some random guys that messed with me! My own family! My dad wasn't an alcoholic, he didn't do drugs, didn't gamble. He was the perfect description of a family man. But he had anger issues..." Cole paused and chuckled bitterly, seeing the scene play in his head again.
"My mum, my beautiful, beautiful, mum. She was perfect, the only flaw she had was that she loved him. She loved him with all she had. He would come home mad at someone at work and he would lash out, not the normal 'breaking anything I see' lashing out, he didn't care about things. Very little items in our house were broken; most things were intact, except my mum."
"She was... She was destroyed, she was bruised and battered. He would hit her and kick her and God forbid she fell on something causing it to break; he would yell and yell cursing and swearing on why she was so... so....Unresponsive to correction. Then when it came to me..... He'd just look at me and say those words that had become an anthem in my head. 'It's all your fault'
"That man was haunted; he was haunted by some kind of demon or something. When he was done, he'd just get up, and go to their room... After some minutes he'd call my mum up and... I don't know whether to call it rape or not? She'd get pregnant... He'd beat her till the baby's dead.
"I got so tired. I bought a gun, at the age of 15 I looked 18 and could get away with anything. I never drank, never smoked, I got into a gang though, but only 'cause...Only 'cause I could? I joined the gang because I wanted to prove that 'Yes, I can and I will."
"One day, when I was about 16 or so, I came home from school, I was a scholar, all A's, teachers loved me. I wanted to be a doctor... So I can bring back all the kids that my dad took away from the world....Not knowing that I was going to take one out too."
"My mum was pregnant at that time. I walked into the house to see her sprawled on the floor and coughing out blood. My first instinct was to check if the baby was okay. I had ran over to her and knelt down beside her, telling her it was going to be okay, she was going to be fine and that she should just take deep breaths."
"I had reached out and placed my hand on her tummy... and I felt him... I felt him kick...he was the one and only survivor.... Out of all the beatings he had still survived in her womb.... That's when my mum suddenly screamed. I looked back to see my dad hovering above us, a snarl plain on his face."
"I was big, but he was bigger. He had grabbed my arm and practically slung me away from my mum, then he dragged her up by her neck, strangling her against the wall. I knew he wasn't going to kill her, that wasn't the first time he had done that. But the thought of that baby, the only one who had survived, and the thought that he was going to take that away again...It killed me."
"And on that faithful day, my gun just happened to be placed on the loop of my belt. I didn't even realize when it had gotten to my hand and I was pointing it at my dad. I threatened to empty it in him if he didn't let her go... he did."
"Then he said it. Those words that hunted me for so long, those words that were always the topic of my nightmares... and I pulled it, pulled the trigger on my own father. He had let her go... but I still pulled it.
"I was just so mad. I didn't feel anything, I hadn't felt the shock of killing someone, I hadn't felt the relief of not having him in our life anymore. I hadn't felt anything at all. I just stared at his body that swam in the pool of blood."
"Then she took it... My mum took the gun from me. I just stared at her, expecting he to throw it away or scream at me or cry... anything else than what she did. She looked at me dead in the eye and said another set of words with the same meaning to what was already imprinted in my head. 'Look what you did."
"And with that, she pulled the trigger, killing herself... and the baby. That's when it came. The feelings of pain, loss, regret....guilt. And I couldn't even say it wasn't my fault... because it was.... If I hadn't...If I hadn't.... shot him."
"I cried, cried unto God so bad, cried for my mum, cried for my brother, cried for...my dad. And it felt like the demon that seemed to have left him after I shot him, entered me. I was so angry, angry at everyone and everything. I hated so many things for no reason. I caused so much pain.....But it never cleared the pain I felt."
"Then I meet you, beautiful, happy, kind, Christian, and I made it my goal to make mock you. Then, you became my friend. It was just so confusing. Why would you want to be my friend? You're this light, this light that I though never existed anymore. I embraced it though. Embraced the hope of a fresh start..... Then.... I passed out, and was saved from those chains that held me down. And now you're trying to tell me that if I hadn't believed I still would have been saved? Emma, that doesn't make any sense."
Tears ran down Cole's cheek as he relived all those moments, he couldn't, he wouldn't believe that he could do nothing and be saved. He had to have done something, and to him, that was believe.
He finally looked back at Emma whose face mirrored his, tear-stained. She took a deep breath and cupped his cheeks with her hands, pulling his face and drawing it closer to her, causing his forehead to lean against hers.
"Cole...Cole, you don't see how grace works? No one deserves grace, but everyone is giving it. When Christ died on the cross for our sins, do you think most of the people who crucified Him and watched Him being crucified believed that He was the Son of God? They didn't.
"He suffered so much pain and took all our burdens of our sin away not because we believed, because He loves us. Grace isn't something you earn. It's a gift. A gift that no matter what you do, you will always get."
"Even if your heart is rock hard, there will always be grace to set you free. Whether you embrace it or not, it will always be there, you will always have grace. It doesn't matter if you do nothing to deserve it, it will always be given to you, and yours is to take. And even if you say you won't take it, Cole, till the day you die, that grace will be stretched out towards you, waiting for you to accept the fact that it always will be there."
"It's a gift that no one can take away. So don't think that you have to do something to deserve it, you don't deserve it, but it's giving to you anyway. It took me so long to understand that Cole. Faith or no faith, the grace of God will be with you, now, and forever more."
Cole eyes were still closed as tears rolled down his eyes, the impact just hit him, it felt like some kind of fantasy, it stunned him, all this while God's grace was always handed to him, and the thought of not even having to do anything to get it, was overwhelming.
He nodded against Emma's forehead and they just held each other, the energy of the situation radiating through their body.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry God. You gave your life for me, and let me see each day even though I never deserved it. Thank you for giving me a new beginning and washing my sins away for good. I went astray and cursed your name but you still saved me. You died for me Lord, please, please help me live for you....In Jesus name."
Cole took in another deep breath, the whispered prayer that left his lips causing a certain energy to fill his heart. He slowly opened his eyes and was met by Emma's shut ones and he just stared at her.
He couldn't think of anything more beautiful. She was the definition of pure beauty in his eyes. Every inch of her, and the realization of just how lucky he was almost gave him another Cardiac Arrest.
Her eyes flustered open as though sensing someone gaze on her and Cole's breathing seemed to stop as he gazed back into her deep brown eyes glistening with the now tears of joy.
He felt like he was looking at her for the first time, as though he had never seen her until now and she completely took his breath away.
He couldn't help but cup her cheek with his palm, pulling her closer as he slowly traced her soft skin with his thumb. She leaned into his touch, letting out a breath of her own and only causing Cole's heart to race more at the thought of her feeling what he felt.
"Emma..." He whispered, trying so desperately to fight off the thirst which was building in his chest, knowing that she was the only one who could quench it.
They were inches apart from each other and Emma could feel his breath fan against her, it was as though they shared each breath, the one he let out was the one that she took in.
Her lips slightly parted, letting out another breath as he drew her closer, causing Cole's eyes to slowly drift down at it before quickly looking back up at her.
There was a tension in the air and both of them could feel it, they both knew that they had the power to break it and whatever they did would change everything that happens between them going forward.
Cole's thumb slowly grazed her lower lip as he contemplated on his next move.
"Can I kiss you?" He finally breathed out, knowing that whatever she said next would hit him hard, and hoping it was a hit that they both wanted.
"Yes."
And with that, their lips gently met, moving in sync to the unknown rhythm, sealing their unspoken faith and crafting the path to their new journey of life together.