*Very Long Chapter*
-Jade-
"What did he say?" Elizabeth asked, barely being able to hide the excitement in her voice.
"I did not tell him." Jade mumbled and lowered her gaze while Elizabeth combed her hair. She stopped abruptly. There was no need for Jade did to look up to know that her governess was confused and upset. Her governess' sudden change of mood hung thick in the air.
"Why not?" Elizabeth asked holding in a sigh. Just like she had been unable to hide her excitement a moment ago, she could not hide the disappointment in her voice now. "I thought-"
"I could not tell him." Jade replied with guilt in her heart, her voice trembling as she spoke. Elizabeth let go of her hair, put the brush away and grabbed Jade by her upper arms. She gave them a tight comforting squeeze which made Jade feel better, but only for as long as it lasted. As soon as it was over, the soothing feeling escaped her. Elizabeth sat down on her knees to the right side of Jade and grabbed her hand. She gave it a affectionate squeeze as well, urging Jade to look at her.
"Come now, dear." She cooed. "Why did you not tell him that he is going to be a father?" Jade moistened her lips and inhaled. "Are you scared that he does not want it?"
No... or... what do I know... Jade thought while avoiding Elizabeth's curious gaze. A third squeeze woke her from her thoughts. When she met Elizabeth's eyes again, her head was tilted somewhat and her eyes were soft. Still waiting for an answer...
"I do not know..." Jade mumbled and crossed her arms, uncomfortable by a situation she had created herself. "It is too late now so..."
"Oh, hush you! That is not the Jade I have come to know!" Elizabeth huffed dismissively and quickly rose her feet again. A swift slap hit Jade on her shoulder. She looked up; Elizabeth had her hands on her hips and a troubled gaze in her eyes. Her posture was meant to display that she was disgruntled, but her eyes conveyed that she was worried. "Why did you not tell him?"
"First of all, I am not even sure-" Elizabeth cleared her throat, forcing Jade to start over and not come up with feeble excuses like the one she was just about to utter. Jade rolled her eyes in defeat and got up. "I was going to tell him..." She walked over to where William had been standing earlier that morning. Elizabeth stayed put by the bed.Jade studied the gardens through the window. She rummaged her mind for an answer that Elizabeth would accept. "... then he told me that he was leaving and I..."
"You what, dear?" Elizabeth asked gently.
"I was scared he would worry. I still am." Jade mumbled, looking down.
Do not look down, Jade. She heard William's voice in her head and instinctively raised her gaze again.
"He has been so tired, Liz. The war is taking its toll on him, and he just left to fight it." She continued. "He told me that he worries about me. Me, Liz!" Jade exclaimed in frustration and threw her arms out in front of her. Elizabeth came closer but did not speak. She clasped her hands and waited for Jade to continue. "Why on earth would he worry about me? He is the one riding into battle!" Jade went on as Elizabeth slowly came closer.
"Jade..." Elizabeth cooed. Jade looked at her when it sounded like the woman had a smile on her lips, which she did. "It is perfectly normal for you to worry about him, but he still needs to know about the baby."
"I know." Jade answered. "But what if telling him will distract him and ending with him getting hurt? Or worse, killed?"
"I have seen that boy train all his life." Elizabeth chuckled and stopped two steps from Jade. "He almost killed-"
"Loren, yes I know." Jade smiled faintly. "I know he is skilled in combat, but I do not want to risk anything."
"And?" Elizabeth urged her with a crooked smile on her lips.
"How do you do that, Liz?" Jade laughed quietly. The woman winked kindly at her. "Fine..." She smiled and shot the woman a cordial glance. "It did not feel right to tell him when he was about to leave. That was not how I wanted William to learn that he will become a father. It felt rushed. I would rather wait until I can tell him-" Jade turned silent when she realized that there would not come a better time to tell William about the child. "I should have told him." She sighed, disheartened when it dawned on her that she might never get the chance to tell him now that he had left.
"There, there." Elizabeth whispered and placed her hands on Jade's cheeks. She gave them a gently tap with her palms. "Cheer up! You can write him and we will send out a guard, tomorrow at dawn, who will deliver it him."
-William-
"You are awfully quiet." His father grunted. William threw him a slow, disinterested glance before turning his eyes back to the map spread out on the table in front of them. "You barely said three words on our way here."
"What would you have me do, father? Make conversation to ease whatever concerns you?" William muttered without taking his eyes off the map.
They had made camp to let the infantry rest for a day before they would continue south. They could barely afford a whole day's rest, but his men had to remain strong and in good spirits. They still had a long journey ahead of them and a dip in his men's moral would slow them down.
William's father had advised against a long rest, but William knew how heavy those armors, swords and shields were to wear. To wear and carry them whilst walking on foot, did not make it any easier for those if his men who did not have the luxury of horses or loading their gear on carts. He would much rather have given every man a horse to spare them from walking... but they did not have enough horses for that.
Outside his tent, the wind was howling and ripping at every corner it could get its hollow claws onto. It seemed like a ferocious storm was coming their way. William glanced to his left when a powerful gust of air slammed into the side of the tent. He watched the fabric of the tent straighten slowly as the wind faltered temporarily.
Good thing I ordered a night's rest for the men. To walk in this weather would have been nothing but miserable. He thought and viewed this as a victory over his father whom had wanted to keep going.
"I wish you would let me know what you are thinking." His father answered after a moment of silence. "What you are planning to get out of staring so hard at that map?"
"You constantly complain about me being silent when we are alone, on our way to or from a battle." William remarked without taking his eyes off of the map. "Why do you need to know everything that is on my mind? It appears as if you have something on your mind father. What it could be about - on the other hand - I do not know."
William's father always acted like something was wrong with him when it was so very clear that it was he who wanted to talk about something. William had grown used to this over the years, but it did not make it any less annoying. The sound of wine being poured into his father's cup reached William and he took a deep breath to prepare himself. If his father was having a refill, it meant that William was in for it. His father was not going to let him get anything done until he had forced his son to tell him what was on his mind- or shared what was weighing on his.
"I have always known you to be a man of few words." His father chuckled and took a sip of his wine while he walked back to the table.
He sat down at the table William was leaning over. The chair protested with a creaking sound as his father simply dropped all of his weight down upon it. The man wasn't fat, far from it , but he was without a doubt a large man and the chair was not as sturdy as the ones in the castle.
"I also know you as a man of no words, my son. And what your silent - brooding - nature has taught me over the years, is to recognize when something is on your mind." He continued smugly while he gave his cup a whirl. "I can tell there is something... So spill it." He demanded and pointed at William with the index finger cradling the cup in his hand.
"There is nothing on my mind that concerns you, father." William muttered, his brows slightly raised because of the brazen words spoken by his father.
"Then I can safely assume that whatever is keeping you so quiet concerns your queen?" His father smiled a smug and victorious smile. "Does it not?" He goaded him.
William did not answer. There was no need for any words, his silence did all the work of betraying him. His father confirmed this by clearing his throat meaningfully, requesting an answer which he did not really need.
Yes, he was thinking of Jade. She had been acting strange up until the morning he had left her in their chamber. It felt like she had something n her mind... something she wanted to tell him... but he did not want to drag it out of her. If he knew something about his wife, it was that she would either let it slip in pure frustration or she would find a way to tell him. How she would manage to do either of those things now he did not understand.
However, he could not let his father know that his concern for Jade gnawed him bloody in the back of his mind. He would never hear the end of it and he was supposed to be able to focus on his role as king, without Jade filling his mind whenever it drifted slightly. He had managed until his father had brought her up.
The memory of when he was about to leave overwhelmed him now that he could not force it into the back of his mind. He was reliving how Jade had begged him to at least let her get dressed so she could follow him down to the great hall. He had refused, being afraid that it would make things worse for both of them. It was already hard as it was to leave her behind once again. It still hurt. The memory of her sad blue eyes searching his, pleading for him to stay just a moment longer, haunted him something terribly. Especially when he was by himself.
"What do you want, father?" William grunted and placed a wooden marker on their current location, giving up on getting anything done. It was just as well as long as his father was present. The old man was not going to let him be, it seemed.
"I want to make sure that you are here and... not elsewhere." He answered before taking another sip of his wine.
"I am." William said darkly. "If you do not believe me, it could be because you are bothering me or that you have had too much wine."
"Shut that insolent mouth of yours!" His father snapped and rose from his seat and placed his cup on the table. Dangerously close to the map, according to William. The wine in it thrashed from side to side and almost spilled.
It is fortunate for you that you were king before me, old man. William growled internally while keeping his eyes on his father's cup.
"William!" His father hissed, gaining his son's attention. "I have to know that you are here and not pouting that Jade is not!"
Spot on, unfortunately for me.
William rolled his eyes slowly. A sharp smack hit the back of his head and he woke up quicker than if he had been dunked into a bucket of ice cold water. His father stood with his index finger waving in his direction and a dark look in his old eyes.
"What the hell!" William hissed and felt a throbbing pain burn in the back of his head.
"Do not roll you eyes at me, boy!" His father growled quietly. "Take this seriously!" He exclaimed and slammed his free hand into the table so hard that William saw rings appear in the wine, fearing that it would spill onto the map.
"What?" William snarled as his temper got a hold of him. "What do you want me to take seriously?" He asked aggressively, trying his very hardest not to raise his voice. It would not be good for the men's moral if they overheard them argue whether or not he was fit to lead them. "That we are at war? Because I am!" He snapped. "Believe me I am. Would I stand here, trying to get something done if I had not, while - might I add - you refuse to let me? Instead you complain that I am not speaking with you! What is it that you want me to take seriously, father? That when I - hopefully - return from this war, I will have to answer to the families of those who did not make it back? If you see me unfit to lead our men, just say so. Do not start an argument instead of telling me what is on your mind. Speak clearly."
His father's eyes turned calm, and slightly ashamed. He straightened himself and seemed content to know that William knew how dire things were. What William could not understand was why his father accused him of this first now. He had done everything he could to prepare for this war, and from the lack of input and comments from his father he assumed that he was doing something right. He had not sneaked off to be with Jade as he had done before his coronation. Instead, he had endured heartbreaking moments where he had been forced to leave her alone in their chamber after having promised her that he was done for the day, only to be called away to yet another meeting with his council. His queen had of course not blamed him for it because she knew that their new roles came with more responsibility, but William had seen the disappointment in her eyes as he tore himself away from her. Which was exactly how it had felt because he did not want to leave her - but he had to due to his duty.
The only thing that kept his mind from spiraling when it came to Jade, was knowing that she was safe back home. Surrounded by guards, Loren and Elizabeth, Jade could hardly be any safer in his absence. A part of him thought that she would be safer in Thornstead, but he refused to admit it. He was supposed to be able to keep her safe, without her father being part of it. Two of those with her now, had gotten her to safety the last time chaos had erupted in his absence. Loren and Elizabeth were the only ones he trusted in keeping Jade safe.
"My apologies." His father mumbled, barely audible. William shot him a confused look before he went to pour himself a cup of wine.
"An apology..." William amazed darkly and sat down by the table.
"Do not start." His father muttered as he joined him.
"Father, is there something on your mind?" William asked, feeling drained of energy because his father would rather argue than speak his mind.
"Why do you ask?" He asked in return, trying to redirect the conversation back to William.
"You are being evasive." William remarked and pointed at his father with an equally accusing finger as he had been at the receiving end of earlier. "Why are you accusing me of being unprepared and unfit to lead?" He watched his father squirm in his seat.
"I do not think you unfit to lead." His father confessed. "I would never have offered you the crown if I did not think you could handle the responsibility."
"Then why-"
"Because last time you were thinking of her and-"
"And we came out victorious, despite you not trusting me." William cut his father short, just like he had him. He did not appreciate the direction in which his father was taking their conversation. "I beg of you, get to the point instead of dragging Jade into this argument. She does not have any part in-"
"May I remind you that you once almost killed a soldier because he spoke of her, the first time we left for battle since she entered our lives." His father countered before William had finished.
"He was speaking ill of her." William growled in his defense and his grip around the cup tightened. "May I remind you that that has nothing to do with the war. What is on your mind?" William repeated himself for the tenth time.
"I am concerned." His father finally spoke his mind in what could only be described as reluctant muttering. William raised his brows and pressed his lips together from hearing something so profoundly obvious.
Tell me something I do not know.
"Would you mind telling me what you are concerned about? Instead of making it seem like I am doing something wrong?" William asked and took a sip of wine.
"I think I will go to bed instead." His father sighed heavily. As he rose to his feet so did William and shot his father a warning gaze. It caused his father to smile faintly and look down on his feet before he met his son's gaze again. "You will not like it." He warned William.
"I am not liking this conversation as it is." William informed him darkly and drank a large sip of his wine. "So spill it." He mimicked his father's earlier command. "Why do you insist on bringing up Jade and reminiscing over soldiers I almost killed?"
"I am concerned about you." His father began. When William was just about to take offense and open his mouth to let him know, his father raised a hand, begging for a chance to explain himself. William reeled his temper in but clenched his jaws to signal his impatience. "I am concerned about the fact that we still do not have an heir." His father continued.
William inhaled deeply but felt relieved. At least now, an heir was not as unrealistic as it once had been. Now, Jade was his wife and there was no part of their marriage that indicated that she was unwilling to give him an heir...
"You have an heir." William replied dryly.
His father gave him an unimpressed look. "Yes, I do."
"I cannot do anything about that." William continued. His father raised one of his brows at him, also signaling impatience. "Not more than I already am..." He said and then quickly drank the rest of his wine in one mouthful, ignoring his father's insinuating remark. "Stop asking about our-"
"Oh no, my boy!" His father laughed and shook his head. "Mind you, I did not ask or speak one word about... that part of your marriage. You once told me that that part of your life concerns me as much as that part of my life concerns you."
"I am holding you to that." William said and hurried over to get a refill just so he would not risk hearing more about his father's private affairs. To his disappointment, his father appeared next to him. He held out his cup, silently asking for a refill. William granted his father's wish and filled his cup. "Not a word." He warned him.
"All I am saying is that now is the most crucial time for you to at least have a little one in a crib... or at least on the way." His father mumbled and turned to his side.
"As I said, I cannot do more than I already am." William answered and downed the cup of wine he had just poured himself. He poured another one.
"Slow down." His father chuckled. "Too much wine will render you just about useless tomorrow."
"Stop asking about what happens in my chamber then." William mumbled.
"I never asked about what happens in the sheets between you and your wife." His father laughed when William shot him a very dark look. "I am only interested in heirs."
"Stop asking me for a grandchild then. It will not come faster because you pester me about it." William answered and wiped some wine away from the corner of his mouth. "Would you mind if we got something useful done?" He nodded towards the map.
His father grinned and shook his head. "If that will keep her out of your head."
"I am not-"
"It is written all over you face, son." He interrupted.
William walked back to the table and tried to forget that his father had just used the words 'your sheets'. It was the very last thing he wanted to speak about with his father.
"You were the one who brought her up." William muttered and pretended that Jade had not occupied his thoughts earlier. ...and what we do when we are alone. William closed his eyes for a moment when the memory of how he had driven Jade insane in the chaise lounge in her library came out of nowhere.
The sound of her airy panting echoed in his mind and another image appeared in his mind; Jade riding him in the chaise lounge, pulling her hand through her hair while his right one collared her throat as his left had a firm grip of her ass. The pantings transformed into soft moans as he had stiffened inside of her while she drove him closer to his climax.
When he felt blood rush down into his trousers he woke up and reluctantly forced the memory of Jade screaming his name as she came crashing down in another orgasm into the back of his mind.
-Jade-
A couple of days had passed since William had left. She had not written the letter like Elizabeth had advised her. It felt wrong. She wanted to tell him face to face. If she would ever get a chance to tell him. Every time she thought about the possibility that she might never see him again, her mind shut down and it felt like someone was standing on her chest. The terrifying, but very real, chance of never seeing him again made her breathing falter and it often ended in her gasping for air.
"Is our queen so bored that she started taking walks in the gardens all day?" Jade heard Loren chuckle behind her as she was taking the third walk for the day. When she turned to look at him, the expression in his face changed. "My apologies, my queen." He breathed and his eyes narrowed a little when he seemed to be able read her feelings across her face. "You look distressed." A frown appeared in his forehead as he spoke.
Jade swallowed and clasped her hands in front of herself.
"You know I do not want you to speak to me like that..." Jade sighed and crossed her arms. "Why do you think I am distressed?" Loren studied her for a moment but did not speak his mind, making it impossible for her to figure out what was going on in that head of his. Sometimes he could be even harder to read than William.
"You have been pacing the gardens since midday." Loren explained and looked up at the castle, letting her know that he had been watching her for a while before coming out to join her. Jade felt her shoulders sink down a bit when Loren used the word 'you' instead of her title. It made her feel normal. "I have spent enough time around you to see when something is bothering you, Jade." He continued. She flinched at the use of her name but Loren pretended like he had not noticed.
"I... I have a lot on my mind." She answered, avoiding his gaze.
The sight of his chain mail reminded her of the one William had worn when he had come to say good bye. Jade lowered her gaze. Her chest felt heavy as her dark thoughts came crawling back. She had learnt to recognize how her body behaved when her thoughts took control and sent her into a panic. She forced herself to study the dirt on Loren's boots in order to stay in control over her feelings. The dirt on Loren's boots was new and wet... this was the first time he had stepped outside today.
"You worry about him." Loren concluded in a calm voice. He slightly swayed his left boot from left to right without lifting his heel when he noticed that she was scrutinizing it.
"I do." Jade breathed. "But it is not that I do not think he is uncapable-"
"I know." Loren carefully interrupted her and took a step closer. He had one hand on the pommel of his sword, a quite leisurely posture for her guard. Also one he only ever took when they were completely alone.
"I know he is experienced in battle and a very competent swordsman... but I cannot stop to think of what could happen to him..." Jade babbled and then stopped talking when her body started screaming. The joints in her arms twitched uncontrollably, begging her to stop talking, to stop torturing herself.
"It is completely normal for a wife to worry over her husband. Especially when he goes off to war." Loren said gently. Jade nodded but did not listen all of what he said. "Jade, do I need to get my mother?" He asked concerned.
"What? No." She replied at the mentioning of Elizabeth. "No, just... I need to-"
"Would you like to take a walk somewhere else than in the gardens?" Loren suggested. "We can go for a ride instead? If you would prefer to do something else than to pace back and forth here?" He offered, gestured to their surroundings and shot her a faint smile. He knew she would take the bait.
Smiles from Loren, those are rare... Jade thought and bit the inside of her cheek. Or he sees right through you and suspects that you are keeping something from him.
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I hope you liked this chapter!
Much love,
Jenny
Updated 7th of October 2022