Sasha
"Is it this one?" Nate asks, picking up a multi-vitamin from the shelf and I shake my head.
"No it's called.....this is it!" I say, finally closing my fingers around the box. "Centrum, woman's one-a-day vitamins." I add it to my basket that already has two other boxes in it. We were browsing for the rest of Doctor Hahn's recommended supplements while I waited for my prescription to be filled.
My blood test had been rushed and surprising no one, the test didn't impact the new medication. Today would be the first time I'd be getting on-top of all of this stuff. It was completely overwhelming but of course Nate was right here with me again, ready to help. Most of my fears were squashed with the need and desire to get better. I hadn't seen my weight in ages but I knew it was low.
I was tired of feeling dead inside and like I didn't have enough energy to give. This was my reprieve time before my skating schedule started back up, and I knew how important it was to get better and make sure I was taking care of myself. Today was Tuesday, after-school, and despite this not being exactly how I wanted to spend my time, Nate was making medicine shopping surprisingly fun.
"Is there anything else you want here?" He asks as we start to go through the beauty aisles and I shrug.
"Maybe mascara?" I tell him. "I'm always running out."
"How about this?" He asks picking up a purple lipstick and I laugh.
"I don't think so." I tell him and he rolls his eyes, pretending to be annoyed.
"You're no fun." He huffs and I laugh. "This aisle is ridiculous, men don't need any of this stuff."
"I guess you could argue women don't either." I remind him and he shrugs. "It's just some variety, nothing to be scared of."
"Says the girl who won't buy my lipstick choice!" He says crossing his arms.
"Well I don't wear lipstick." I insist and he laughs, wrapping his arm around my waist. "Pick out any nail polish, and I'll get it."
"Really?" He asks and I nod.
"I'm out of competition so it doesn't matter." I remind him. I wasn't supposed to be wearing coloured nail polish when I performed, it drew too much attention to my hands.
"How about this one?" He asks and I smile, seeing he picked out a deep red colour.
"You like red, hmm?" I ask and he nods, putting it in the basket.
"I'll even paint them for you tonight." He says and I smile.
"Well how can I say no to a deal like that." I ask and he shrugs.
"Sasha Petrov?" The woman at the counter calls out and I walk over, placing down the other things I had.
I get a long talk about the dangers of the drug and how to use it most effectively. I listen and hand over my family's medical card, thankful mom had really good coverage through her work. I watch as it comes down a ton and I only end up paying a small chunk that my mom promised to reimburse to me later on.
Nate then leads me out of the store, holding my hand in his. I smile, following him to the car and sliding into the passenger seat.
The drive to my house is quick and I giggle pulling him upstairs to my room. I toss the bag of meds on my desk, willing to deal with it later tonight when my parents were home.
"Who's home?" Nate breathes, grabbing my waist.
"Nobody." I whisper back and I feel him push me up against my closed bedroom door.
This had to be the nicest thing about feeling on-track, I didn't feel like there was anything in the way of Nate and I now. He'd gotten into the habit of carrying a condom around with him, 'just incase'. We weren't doing it every chance we got but we'd done it twice since I'd been back. It was....perfect, it felt amazing and Nate was so capable of turning me into a mess.
"I missed you today." He whispers, picking me up and walking me over to my bed. I kick off my shoes, feeling him lay over me and he pulls off his coat.
"I missed you more." I breathe, grabbing his belt loops.
I always felt shivers work their way through my body when I could feel Nate lay on top of me. I'd get excited and enjoy the feeling of having him so close.
He quickly grabs the hem of my shirt and starts inching it up, over my stomach until it ends up over my head. Then he pulls back and pulls his shirt off as well, for the brief second before he leans back down again, I look over the defined ridges and lines on his chest.
"What?" He asks, clearly catching my stares and I shake my head.
"Nothing." I whisper, running my hands over his back. He laughs a bit and moves his hands down to my jeans, slowly unbuttoning them. He kisses the birthmark on my stomach and I feel sparks shoot through my body.
Then his lips are on mine again, hands wandering over my body. I feel my heart beating faster and faster, I could never tell if it was in anticipation or nervousness.
"I love you." He breathes and I smile wrapping my legs around his waist.
"I love you too." I whisper and throw my head back with a sigh, feeling him press right against me.
Suddenly I hear my phone going off from the other side of the room. Despite how much he and I are ignoring it, it's ruining the mood. Eventually it stops and I sigh, enjoying the silence again as I work on the button on his own jeans.
Then it immediately starts going off again, and I'm snapped back to reality. Usually that meant it was an emergency and my mind starts working in overdrive trying to figure out who it would be. I sit up a bit, feeling worried but Nate kisses the side of my neck.
"Leave it." He whispers and I smile, feeling drawn in again.
I forget about it for the second time and lay back down, wrapping my arms around Nate's shoulders. Then it starts going off again and this time I know I need to answer it.
"Sorry." I tell him, giving him a quick kiss. "It should just take a second."
I quickly walk over and pick it up, feeling surprised to see it was Irene, she very rarely called me. Then warning bells started going off, it must be something really awful if she's bothering to call me three times. I swallow the lump in my throat and slowly drag the bar over on my screen.
"Hey Irene what's-"
"Sasha." She says quietly and I can hear the tears in her voice. Immediately I stop what I'm doing and listen to what she's saying.
"Yeah, what's up?" I ask quietly, doing my jeans back up again.
"M-Micheal.....he just left." She says and I hear her sniffle. Immediately I know what's going on, Micheal just came-out to Irene.
"Irene-"
"Did you know?" She asks through more tears and I sigh.
"Yes." I say quietly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks. "How long did you know? Were you just lying to me when I kept telling you Micheal was distant?"
"No, no. Of course not, he only told me a few weeks ago." I tell her, trying to get her to calm down.
"S-so he told you first." She says. "Why didn't you tell me Sasha?"
"I-I couldn't, it was so personal for him and that should have come from him not me." I plead.
"I can't believe....I can't believe this." She mumbles and I sigh.
"Look, where are you right now? I'll come find you and we can talk this through-"
"Why? So you can keep telling me more lies just so I'll stay calm?!" She asks hysterically. "How couldn't I have known?"
"I'm sorry Irene, I really am. Just stay calm I'll come to you-"
"I think I'd rather be alone right now." She sobs and I feel frozen on the spot. "Please just let me be."
"Irene I really don't think-" I hear the other end of the line go dead and I sigh, tossing my phone back onto my desk. I take a deep breath and rake my fingers through my hair, not knowing what to do.
"Is everything alright?" I hear Nate ask quietly, looping his arms around my waist. He stands behind me, kissing my cheek and giving me a good squeeze.
It was incredibly personal, it made me relax when I was freaking out. It wasn't sexual or him trying to pull me back into the mood, it was him being there for me. I turn around and wrap my arms around him, feeling him pick me up and hold me close.
"Not really." I tell him, feeling disappointed. "Micheal just told Irene." He nods, seeming to understand what I mean immediately.
"Is she taking it hard?" He asks, walking us back over to the bed and I nod as he sits us down.
"Incredibly hard." I mumble. "The poor thing's been worried about him for months, she knows something's been up with him and before I knew, I was just trying to reassure her everything would be alright. She feels really lost I'm sure, she loved him. Really loved him, and even though Micheal's just trying to be himself I'm sure she feels like she's been broken-up with."
"I'm sorry Sash." He tells me and I sigh.
"I just feel guilty, I kept telling her everything would be alright." I mutter and he holds my face in his hands.
"That's not your fault." He reassures me. "You were just trying to help, and you were right by not butting in."
"I know." I mumble and he smiles. "She didn't want me to go see her, but I know she shouldn't be alone."
"Well you should leave her some time to cool down and breathe." He suggests and I nod. "But I can take you over in a bit if you want, just to check in on her?" I then feel my smile spread from ear to ear and I wrap my arms around him.
"You're right." I whisper and he laughs. "Thank you."
"Anything for you, Sash." He whispers and I sigh, feeling bad for cutting our moment short. Before we even got into anything good either.
"S-sorry about.....you know.....messing up the moment and everything. I just had a feeling it might be something bad." I whisper and he smiles, shaking his head.
"That's alright, I'm not upset." He tells me, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "You're so pretty." He whispers, moving his hands over my back. I feel my cheeks heat up and he laughs a bit, leaning his forehead on mine. "What do you want to do until you go see Irene?"
"Can we watch a movie?" I ask. "Something happy?"
"Whatever you want, baby." He says and pulls me down to lay with him.
I've decided that after everything Nate and I have gotten to do together, this is my favourite. Just laying down with him like this and feeling him press his lips to my cheek or temple. I run the tips of my fingers over his chest or abdomen, tracing lines and watching him flinch.
It was these sorts of moments that used to keep me sane, they'd relax me when everything else felt so out of control in my life. Now they just made it that much sweeter.
After a half hour I pause the movie, and the two of us get ourselves together. Nate walks with me back down to his car and shuts my door for me.
I navigate him to Irene's and take a deep breath when we pull up out front.
"Just remember, she wouldn't have called you that many times just to be alone." He reminds me and I nod, leaning over to give him a quick kiss. "Call me when you're done, I'll come get you and we can go to the gym?" He suggests and I nod.
"That sounds great." I tell him quietly. "Thanks Nathan."
I step out of the car and walk up to her front door, heart pounding in my ears. I press my lips together and ring the doorbell. Once, twice, three times.
On the third I finally hear footsteps and I sigh, feeling thankful. The feeling is completely replaced by feeling awful though, when the door opens. I teary eyed Irene stands on the other side and I feel my heart sink.
"Hey." I say quietly and she nods.
"Hey." She sniffles and I sigh.
"Look I know you said you wanted to be alone, but I just didn't want you to be upset by yourself-"
I don't even finish the sentence before the wraps her arms around me and I give her a hug, feeling her shoulders shake.
"I know it hurts." I tell her and she nods. "Let's go inside."
She brings me to her living room where I look at the photo album of her and Micheal's pictures sprawled out on the coffee table.
"I can't believe I didn't know." She whispers. "We've been together for ages....I just didn't expect this. I didn't want to break-up."
"Well you didn't really break-up." I remind her and she sniffles.
"Sasha, we broke up." She mumbles. "It actually hurts worse than that, because he just told me he never loved me the way I loved him."
"That's not true." I tell her. "Irene he does love you, he's just.....well he's trying to become himself. It's nothing against you, he's just figuring it out that's all. He told me that you're one of the most important people in his life, girlfriend or not. The only reason he kept this from you is because he does really care about you, and he didn't want to hurt you."
"I shouldn't feel so selfish about it, this is something really important for him." She mutters. "I just feel stupid."
"You're allowed to feel upset, it's a justified feeling." I tell her and she nods. "You don't have to be alright, nobody's asking you to be."
"Do you...do you think he ever really felt like he was in love with me?" She asks, looking at the pictures and I sigh.
"At one time I'm sure he did, but people change and they grow. Irene you still mean the world to him, he was worried you'd never speak to him again when he told you."
"That's what hurts, it's not anything that I'm doing wrong....it's just the fact that I'm the wrong gender."
"Irene there's nothing wrong with you." I tell her, holding her shoulders. "There's a guy out there for you, who's into women. Micheal isn't going to disappear from your life."
"I just thought.....I don't know we've been together for ages." She mumbles. "I'm having a hard time processing it."
"And that's alright." I remind her and she sniffles. "Relationships come and go, most don't work."
"So why do you and Nate work?" She asks and I sigh.
"I'm not sure." I tell her and she cries more. "But before I started seeing Nate, I never thought in a million years that I'd ever date anyone. I didn't want to, the idea didn't appeal to me. It's just finding that person who really makes your heart stop."
"Is that how you feel with Nate?" She asks and I nod.
"Yeah, I feel like I can't breathe when we're together." I whisper. "But most people aren't like that."
"What would you do if two years from now, Nate turned out to be gay?" She asks and I almost choke on the breath in my throat, the question is so out of left field. It made me uncomfortable to think about but I know in Irene's current state, she's most likely not thinking things through.
"I'd probably be doing exactly what you're doing right now." I assure her. "But after some time, I think I'd be touched that he told me, that he felt comfortable being himself. I'd still love him."
"Even if you weren't together?" She asks and I nod.
"It would just be loving him differently." I explain and she sighs.
"Maybe I should have realized we were falling apart like this." She mumbles. "Because those things you just said about Nate making it impossible for you to breathe....it's been a year since I felt like that." She sighs and rakes her fingers through her hair. "It's like someone just amputated one of my limbs, he's still a piece of me and it's going to be hard learning how to get on without him."
"Well I'm here." I tell her and she smiles for the first time in the conversation. She moves over and I give her another hug that she gladly accepts.
"Thanks Sasha." She says quietly.
For the next few hours I listen to Irene and help her cope with the break-up. She would cry at some moments and laugh in others, I just smiled and stuck with her through her rollercoaster of emotions. Just like Nate does for me.