After we had our lunch and eat a piece of cake which Daniel brought, we went to the living room and sat on the couch.
However during wholemeal and even now I couldn't shake the tension that fell over us. Exhaling a short breath I broke the silence "What's going on with you guys?" I asked genuinely curious causing them to share a look between each other.
"So.." Daniel started while looking at me "..are you sure you want to do that.. you know, leave? I mean... you could stay here, find a job here or maybe if not here than somewhere else but closer or...or-"
I cut him with a soft "I'm sure. I really am."
"But why? Why live on the other side of the planet when you cou-" I cut Matteo off.
"Listen. All three of you know why I'm leaving, I always wanted to go to New York and now I have a chance. And.. I also think that this is gonna be great for me, you know, so I can have a fresh start. Besides you know how much I need that. I need to start over, new people, a new place, a new city, a new state, heck even a new continent. But that doesn't mean that I won't miss you guys. I just want to go away from here and all these toxic people." I explained while giving them a soft reassuring smile.
"You sure, what if you don't like it?" Daniel asked with concern written all over his face.
"Well if I don't like it over there then I'm gonna come back here, don't worry I'm going to be completely fine." I said as light laughter climb its way from my throat.
"I know that whatever I say now won't help you to ease your nerves but please believe me when I say that I'm gonna be fine. Have a little faith in me. Huh?"
With a heavy sigh his head slumped down "Okay, you are right that didn't erase my nerves not even slightly bit. I guess I'm just scared for you, you are going on literally the other side of fucking planet alone." He said while slowly raising his head and looking me in eyes "Without anyone of us, you will be completely alone without anyone to protect you."
And that's when I saw it - fear, it shone in his eyes. He was scared for me, he is my only family, the only one that cares for my wellbeing and that thought almost brought tears to my eyes.
No one else cares. My parents never really cared for me, but for Daniel, that's a completely different story. Dad always had a soft spot for Daniel because he was the only thing left from his brother.
For them, I was a disappointment, a waste of money and air, a mistake. They wanted a son but instead, they got me and trust me when I said that they weren't happy.
My grandpa from my father's side left my dad a lot of money which they were able to get only under one condition. They need a son.
My mother wasn't able to have kids but somehow 'a miracle' happened and they had me. Yeah, they had me, but not the money and that hurt them badly.
So since I was born they were.. well not really parents of the year. They would show me and make me realize how much they despise me. The best thing is they wouldn't hide it.
If they didn't like something I did or didn't do they would make such a scene even if there are people around us. They simply wouldn't care, all they wanted to do is to humiliate me, in front of strangers or between four walls of our home. In their words 'so I could feel their humiliation'.
I was the best in classes but still, that wasn't enough for them they wanted more. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night because I couldn't get them to show some kind of love or care for me.
Is it that hard to tell your own child that you are proud of him when he gets a good grade or even when he or she doesn't get a good grade but you saw with your own eyes that they did everything in their power to get it.
Would you tell your own child that you are disgusted with the way your child looks 'you are too fat, you look too pale, you lost too much weight, you look like a skeleton'.
Well, that would be my parents to you, they are the main reasons why I have an eating disorder and why I almost died a couple of times but not once did they show any type of care toward me.
They would rather accuse me of being an attention seeker. They would ignore me, act like I don't exist while showering Daniel with all care and love.
Was I jealous? Yes.
But did I show it? Well.. I would lie if I said no... so... Yeah I did when I was younger but every child would. I thought that he's gonna steal them, stupid I know. But even when I hated him he never gave up on me, he was the only person that considered that my feelings matter.
He was my shoulder for crying, my knight in shining armor that chased nightmares away. He was at some point my mother, my father, and my brother, he's all in one.
Now watching him in such distress is hurting me. I would do anything for him even if it means giving up on my drea-
"No, no, no, no don't you dare!" Angelo which was silent all this time finally jump in.
"This is something you always wanted didn't you. You always wanted to travel, visit new countries, now you have a chance to take it. Don't let those two idiots tell you what to do. Do what you think is in your best interest, capisce?" He said with a serious look.
And that really did it because Matteo and Daniel send him a harsh glare while muttering curses under their breaths.
"Did you step in shit while you walked here?" Matteo asked looking at Angelo making him frown at his question.
"No. I don't think so, why?" Angelo answers looking Matteo in the eyes.
"Ehh, you seem full of yourself. The fuck. On whose side are you?" Matteo said making us all burst into laughter.
After we calmed I looked back at the guys. 'God, I'm gonna miss them'.
With a heavy sigh, Dani looked up at me "He's right, it's selfish of me to make you stay when I know the best of all of us three how much pain you went through here. I'm just scared to leave you alone that far away from me. You know that I love you, sis." He said pulling me into a hug.
"I know, I know. I love you too. To the moon and back." I smiled into a hug and my hold onto him tightened.
"To the moon and back." He muttered silently under his breath.
"Okay, okay enough with this 'I LovE YOu mOrE' shit, she is not dying she is just moving away. You can always call her maybe that's gonna be a good thing, you're gonna be more on the phone and then you could actually pick up when I call you." Matteo said while the rest of us burst out laughing.
After we calmed down a little Matteo looked at me. Throwing his arm around my shoulders he pulled me closer to him."Let's rather watch some movie now, huh? What you say, tesoro?" He asked while smirking at me.
Nodding our heads we all agree and got more comfortable while switching through channels.
. . .
When the night came I was exhausted, even though I didn't do much today I was so tired and guys cached on that. So not long after I started yawning they bid their goodbyes and left. But not before ensuring me that they will pick me up tomorrow and take me to the airport.
Throwing trash that we left and cleaned the kitchen a little, I checked to see if everything was clean and at its place. Assuring myself that everything was how it should be I turned the lights off and walked out of the kitchen.
'If I take shower now then I don't need to get up earlier tomorrow morning.' I thought to myself and switched my way towards the bathroom.
After a shower I checked did I pack everything I will need.
Clothes ✔
Documents ✔
Plane ticket ✔
Resume ✔
Everything's here.
Finally getting into bed after checking everything I let myself be drowned in a soft mattress waiting for sleep to overpower my body.
On other hand, while my body awaited sleep my head was filling itself with different thoughts, like 'Will I like it over there? How will it be living there?'.
I would lie to myself if I said that I'm not scared. I will be alone without a single familiar person. I'm scared but at the same time, I want to go. I need to go. With that, I finally closed my eyes and fell asleep around 2 am.