Khushi lay with her legs curled up beneath her as she spoke on the phone with Payal.
"You can't seriously mean to not come to my wedding," Payal said from the other end of the phone, the frown on her face showing through her voice.
"Payal, you know I have to be in Kolkatta in 2 days. My project begins next week and I need time to get adjusted in my new hostel and stuff—
"But it's my wedding! And it's this weekend. I'll book you on a flight to Kolkatta immediately after the reception. You can be there in what 2 hours?" Payal said.
Khushi sighed and Payal continued, her voice barely hiding the irritation she felt. "You know what? It's not about what's possible and what's not. It's about the intent. Are you sure you're not coming only because of your studies?"
"What else could it be?"
"I don't know. You tell me. I don't want to think you're avoiding my wedding to avoid Arnav. So say it is not so."
"Payal.."
Khushi didn't know what to say. Payal would see right through her. She had never been able to lie, especially not to this woman. In fact she had never even had to tell Payal about herself and Arnav when they first got together. Payal had just known.
She still remembered the day.
They had been working on her outfit for an event in Payal's cabin. Payal had been trying to wrap a saree around her in an unconventional sort of way and Khushi had been standing in just her barely there blouse and inner skirt. They had been conversing casually when the the door opened suddenly and Arnav walked in. None of them had blinked. Arnav had scanned her from top to toe, his gaze a gentle caress and Khushi had belatedly remembered her state of partial undress and turned around covering herself. All this happened in a matter of seconds but when Arnav had excused himself, Payal had simply asked, "How long?" Her voice incredulous.
When Khushi had blinked in response, she had said, "Come on, Khushi. It took you months to actually get used to standing like you were in front of me. Yet Arnav walks in and you don't even bat an eyelid! You were so calm."
What could she have said to that?
Khushi almost smiled at the memory. Just remembering his look made heat rise up her cheeks. She had to stop doing this. How will she go on living if she didn't stop thinking about these little moments.
"Khushi you are not being yourself. You are sad and you don't—
"Payal, stop. I will not be one of those girls who wallow in sorrow because of some guy. I already decided I am not going to let it affect me and my decisions. So..."
"Khushi you are so high on these dialogues and yet you are letting him do this to you. I am happy about you moving on and going to Kolkatta and all. But I hate it that you are letting him affect your decisions even if you say otherwise. I can't think of any other reason why you'd avoid my wedding. I don't want you hurt but you are hurting me now."
"Payal I booked my train tickets for this Friday. I really needed the time to get adjusted. See, I wish you and Aakash the very best. And I'll meet you guys soon. You know I love you, right?"
Payal didn't answer and Khushi added as an afterthought, "And I'm not sad."
But she was sad, and they both knew it, no matter how hard she tried to conceal her feelings. In the days since she'd returned home, she'd been sad.
"If you say so," Payal said before putting the phone down.
Payal was angry. And rightfully so. She had promised her parents that she would get everything together and going to that wedding would only make everything she had worked on come apart. He had the ability to do that to her and she just didn't have the courage to go through all of it again. Her tears had dried and her life had taken a normal course but nothing she ever did changed the love she felt for him. Because beneath the facade she put on, she knew, lay hurt, a hurt beyond describing.
The past few days she had put in all of her efforts towards this project/internship. And she had finally acquired a chance to work under under one of the best professors in psychiatry. And she would concentrate only on that and then her PG entrance for the next two months. She heaved a huge sigh. She would make it up to Payal later. She would first work on her promise to her parents. She had hurt them enough and despite that they were so supportive. Instead of pushing her into a hasty wedding to anyone who was willing, her parents, her father had told her to go live her life without all these complexities. She would never again make them question their trust on her.
She walked out of her room and was met by Garima.
"Haye Khushi! I was coming to get you only. Vimala mausi ke ghar jaana hai. Bhool gayi?"
Oh yes. She had forgotten about Vimala mausi and her daughter's baby shower. The woman lived across the street from them and the families had known each other forever.
"No Amma. How will I forget? I was just on the phone talking to Payal. She is so upset with me. I don't know what to do."
"Khushi I understand. I understand her and I understand you. And you know what, Payal will understand too. That this is for your best," Garima said cupping Khushi's face.
Khushi smiled at her mother. "I'll go get ready and come."
•••
It was mid morning and the sun was already halfway up the sky when they woke. Arnav opened his eyes to the feel of a soft body pressed to his. Just when he thought of leaving her to sleep and freshen up, he felt her stir and she smiled at him, bathing him in warm sensuality. As if that weren't enough, she nibbled at his shoulders and chest with exquisite softness. He pulled her stronger into his body and she leaned her head up searching for his lips, kissing him with everything she had. One moment, he was kissing her back but before she knew what was happening, he rolled on top of her, nudged her thighs apart and was entering her. She let out a surprised gasp at the suddenness but there was no discomfort as she was more than ready for him. She could feel his hands on her breasts and his weight on her body and writhed in her newfound pleasures as they both climaxed together soon after.
When they had both calmed, Arnav buried his face in her neck and gasped, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do it. At least not so fast. Did I hurt you?"
"Maybe," she teased and when he looked into her face, guilt and apology written all over, her heart warmed.
"It's ok, Arnav ji. I'm ok." Khushi said clutching his hair and holding him closer still.
"I just had to know this wasn't a dream. I don't know... nothing about this... about you... feels real.
"Arnav ji, I am real and I am here... for you," Khushi whispered in a soft voice.
Arnav sat up, jolted awake from his sleep and sighed. It definitely had been a dream this time. And clearly, there was no Khushi reassuring him now. But he had heard her voice as if she were saying it to him now. It was his own doing that she wasn't here. He still remembered how he had felt that day. It was the day after they had first made love. Nothing was ever the same since then.
He couldn't settle down to sleep again in his luxurious bed. He had a video conference at midnight with one of his Parisian clients so he had decided to take a few hours of rest before that. But this sleeplessness wasn't really surprising because this had been the norm of his life these days. After a few feeble attempts he quit trying and went to his home office hoping to tire himself out with work. The only time he even felt like a living person was when he worked. He wouldn't let his inner confusion come in the way of this empire he had built. Everything else that used to calm him before, seemed to do nothing to help him.
Glimpses of her, of their time together kept flashing in his head. He could as well have lost a hand and limb for the effect her absence was having on him. He wanted to see her. The need to just see her, to hold her burned in his veins. He wanted to speak to her. He wanted to tell her everything. Everyone in his family wanted him to go to her even if they didn't say it to him directly. Even his nani who had been so vocal about her displeasure with Khushi all these days, raised no objection. But he had let days pass by without even trying to reach her but it was not for want of interest but because he didn't know what to say to her.
He had stood by and watched while she went away from him. He had let her down when she needed him the most. He had stood by and watched as she faced humiliation. Now, he didn't know what to say to her that would redeem him in his eyes, much less in her eyes. She probably didn't even want to see him. Ever. He had just heard that she was not even coming to Payal's wedding.
Why couldn't his life be simpler?
As his thoughts progressed, inadvertently, it led back to that day in his past. The day that everything had changed irrevocably. He had seen his sister jilted at her wedding. His sister, with stars in her eyes and with dreams of a forever love, who followed all rituals and traditions and sat waiting for her fiance only to know he was actually more in love with the dowry she would bring than he was with her.
He had known what it feels like to see his mother being reduced to a ghost of herself because she loved her husband so much, her husband who was the epitome of everything that constituted infidelity?
He had known what it feels like to see your parents die before your own eyes. His father never loved them. He knew the man didn't even want them but all his life he had wondered if his mother loved them at all? Why hadn't she wanted to live for them rather than die for that man?
The little boy in him had been hurt beyond measure. But hadn't he always told himself that he would never be his father? Then what was he doing by hurting Khushi, a woman he knew loved him more than he deserved. That woman had been his mother. He hated his father for hurting his mother. So what does that make him? He was so enclosed by the walls of his past that it was consuming him whole. And what was he doing by letting it happen?
His experiences however did not mean he naively thought that all marriages were meaningless. For he had people around him who were living examples of what a happy marriage could be. Even his sister today had a husband and a lovely family of her own. But what he had experienced had made him commitment phobic. He had strongly believed that he would feel trapped in a relationship but now it felt like he was trapped either way. He had ceased to live at all.
In trying to protect himself, he had unconsciously done what his father had done to his mother. But Khushi was not his mother. She hadn't wanted to leave him until he all but pushed her away. Dimly, he became aware of the tears running down his face, the tormented tears of a man who had learned very young the futility of the action. He didn't know if she would even listen to a word he said. But that was for her to decide. He would have to talk to her if this torment had to end.
Yes, he decided. He will talk to her. And then she can make a decision. It would be presumptuous of him to expect her to welcome him with open arms. He would have to be prepared for her rejection and that thought made him shudder. He didn't want to call. And a phone call would be too mundane for what he had to say. It was just over 7.00 PM now and if he made haste he could be in Lucknow in an hour and a half maximum. As he called for his chopper, he distinctly remembered something his mother had told him once. "It is the nature of thorns to hurt you but you cannot fault the roses for that!"
•••
The baby shower was surprisingly fun. Khushi hadn't actually expected to enjoy it. She had a chance to reconnect with a lot of her old friends and reminisce while also sharing stories about what was going on in each others' lives. Their lives were so simple. It all consisted of college stories, work place experiences and first time crushes. And while part of her wondered if she would have been happier if she had just stayed here, Khushi too shared a lot of interesting details about her career as a model and surprisingly there were no hard feelings.
And she felt good. She hadn't done anything for herself in a long time. So catching up with old friends was refreshing. And dressing up felt good. She wore a saree in peach pink with frilly detail and embroidered flower sequins. Her blouse was sleeveless and close necked with a string of embroidered flowers holding the blouse together at the back. Despite the scandalised looks of some of the aunties present for the low cut blouse, she had received a lot of compliments too.
It was after a while that Khushi turned from her group looking for her parents. She had been so engrossed in her talk that she hadn't seen them in a long time. She immediately found her mother standing near the entrance and nervously looking toward their house. And her father was nowhere to be seen. She was rapidly twisting and untwisting her saree in her hand.
"Amma, what's the matter?" Khushi asked as she reached her side and looked in the direction of her mother's gaze.
"Woh, Khushi!" Her mother was breathless and Khushi was beginning to get worried.
"Amma, you're scaring me now. What happened?"
Garima didn't think of hiding. There was no way her daughter wouldn't get to know about this and so Garima blurted.
"Arnav Singh Raizada is here."
Before Garima could do anything to stop her, Khushi was out of the door and was running towards her house.
"Khushi, stop! You will not go anywhere near that man," Garima said as she caught up with Khushi.
"But Amma. Why didn't you inform me first? Babuji doesn't have to deal with it alone."
"Your Babuji is perfectly capable of dealing with it, Khushi," Garima replied angrily.
Khushi felt that she had offended her mother somehow.
"Amma I know that. And I know you both are scared. But I won't break. I am past that stage. I know what I want and only I can convince Arnav ji of that. He will not listen to anyone else..." Saying Khushi started running again and was again stopped by her mother just as she was going to open the door and let herself in. Her mother shook her head and motioned for her to wait.
When they both quieted, they could hear the men's conversation from inside.
"Khushi is important to me, Mr. Gupta. You might not like to believe it right now but she and her happiness is very important to me," remarked a voice she could never forget.
Khushi ran to the window and peeked inside. There he sat on a dining chair, cool, composed and magnificent that she forgot to draw her next breath. She drank in the sight of him and her heart sank and her shoulders sagged even as she heard her father snort and Arnav continued.
"I get it. What I'm saying probably doesn't mean a lot to you. But I'm not lying. I don't lie. I know I'm guilty and I can not promise that I will turn over a new leaf overnight. But I'm willing to try. I will definitely try. Only for her... I will do everything I can to make it up to her. To make everything right."
Shashi Gupta still sat staring at his hands giving no indication as to whether he had heard anything Arnav had just said.
And it broke Khushi's heart to watch the two men she loved so much so conflicted with one another. It was heartening to see her father sit down and listen to a man who supposedly ruined his daughter. She knew he was doing it for her even though all he'd like is to throttle Arnav. But he was calm because she had fallen in love.
And Arnav... she knew how difficult it was for him to say these words. She hadn't expected this of him but she knew he was doing it for her too.
Arnav turned his head right towards the window she was standing but didn't see her and said almost sadly, "I was content with the way I was living. I didn't want for anything in life. All I ever needed was at my fingertips or so I thought. When I met Khushi I couldn't understand what I was feeling but all I knew was that I wanted her to be happy. I tried to stay away thinking it for her best but when I couldn't do that I did what I could to make her happy. In my own twisted way. I know the kind of impression that our relationship could have had on you... but I..." Arnav stopped and Shashi turned to look towards him for the first time since they had started talking.
Arnav didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to describe what they both had. Or to justify what was perceived as a sin. Instead he said, "I wanted to make her smile without giving her something that held a lot of value for her. Now I know that's not possible but I still want to make her smile."
Khushi understood what he was trying to say. And by the expression on her father's face, she knew he understood too. She turned towards her mother once and saw that Garima was moved by his words too.
Shashi Gupta was a man who had loved. He was a man who recognized love. And it was staring at him on his face right now even if the younger man didn't say the word. His face softened a little. He knew his Khushi couldn't have been mistaken. Whatever Arnav had told him now, wasn't those the words every parent wished to hear from their children's partners.
Shashi Gupta stood up slowly and stared at Arnav. He didn't have to acknowledge anything Arnav had said. Arnav knew his words have been acknowledged when Shashi said, "You wanted to meet her. You can meet her now. I am trusting you to not make me regret this."
Shashi Gupta opened the door to his house to find his wife and daughter standing right outside. He knew right then that they had both heard everything that was said. He quickly looked to his wife with an unvoiced question and was answered with a reassuring nod by her.
"We left the function in such a hurry. Vimala must be wondering what happened. We should go back. We will make some excuse for Khushi," Garima said. She turned to Khushi and said, "We'll be back soon. We don't want the whole colony talking and pounding on our door. And then in a much quieter voice, "Sambhal ke..." she said. Part advice, part concern and part warning, it held more meanings than the two words conveyed.
Shashi then turned to Khushi and after a slight smile and a nod, left with his wife.