"When can I see you baby?" There was a certain amount of safety from keeping things going at a distance. In not actually having to stand in front of Jungkook and try to find the strength to say no.
"Depends on what you have planned." It was going to lead to sex. That much he already knew. It always lead to sex.
Actually, that was a lie. There had been a definite handful of times where it hadn't. They were rare, precious moments, so few and far between. But he had literally lived for them. Had breathed for them. Could still remember their last night together. How Jungkook had cared for him.
How Jungkook had loved him.
"Nothing. I just want to see you. I miss you so much, Jinnie. Last night I dreamed you were in my arms and this morning when I woke up alone everything just felt so -" He knew that feeling. God did he know that feeling. He'd had that exact dream more times than he could possibly count. Laying there beside the warmth of another, feeling the strength of their arms wrapping around you.
Only to wake up alone. He had always cried at those dreams. Always.
First they had been some faceless stranger, someone who's name he didn't know. Then they had been Jungkook. And somehow those hurt even more.
"Empty." He finished the sentence without even thinking. If they were both so lonely, their arms so empty, their hearts aching for each other, then why was he keeping them apart? What was the reason?
There were too many. And maybe that was the problem. There were too many reasons. But he was so tired. Tired of feeling weak. Tired of feeling guilty. Tired of feeling alone. If it was his choice to give in, then who did it truly hurt besides himself? He was the only one who stood to lose anything in this equation.
And if he had already been set up to fail, then why make himself suffer anymore along the way?
"Yes. Please, sweetheart. Just let me see you. Just let me hold you." Just let me love you. He could practically hear the unfinished words ringing within his heart. He wanted it so incredibly badly. Wanted to be held. Wanted to be loved.
"You can come tonight." Something inside of him twisted, fear rising up that maybe this would end up like before. That he would invite Jungkook over and he would be left waiting, sitting there like an idiot anticipating something that was never coming.
"Give me a time baby." This was wrong. This was so wrong. He was going to have to move again. He was going to have to break another lease and move again and he just wasn't sure he could afford starting his entire life over for a second time within the span of six months.
"Seven." That left him exactly four hours to have a complete and utter nervous breakdown.
"Send me your address." His fingers seemed to betray him as they moved, trembling slightly as they pressed across the screen, typing in the location of his apartment and actually hitting send. "Can I stay the night with you baby?"
"Yes." Why had he said that? Why didn't he even stop to think about it? Why was his entire being just operating without the use of his brain?
"I promise you won't regret it, Jinnie. I'll see you tonight, okay babe?" He was absolutely going to regret it. In fact he did already.
Only he didn't. He didn't regret it at all. This was a decision that he had made. A choice. If he was going to do it, then he needed to commit. Needed to let go of the shame. Of the guilt. Needed to allow himself to experience the benefits before it all came crashing down, the world tumbling in on it's self.
Needed to allow himself to be happy, even if it was only temporary. Even if it was only for a moment.
"Mm, I'll see you tonight Kookie." Everything inside of him longed for this. Longed to be held. To be wanted. To be loved. And this was the closest he was ever going to get.
...
Part of him thought about calling Hoseok. About declaring this some kind of national emergency that required immediate attention. There were precisely three and a half hours left, and he was honestly going to need each and every second to question all of his life choices. To have some sort of emotional and mental break down, to pick up the pieces and attempt to glue them back together again.
But he didn't. Because he also knew exactly what Hoseok would say.
That he was strong.
That he was independent.
And that he did not need Jungkook.
All of which he had already proven to be lies. He was the exact, polar opposite. And he really did not think he could take someone trying to convince him that he was anything other than what he was. That there was some hidden pool of strength buried deep within him that had remained untapped for all of these long years.
There wasn't. He was so entirely, painfully aware that there wasn't. But maybe it was time that he learned to be okay with that.