James drove up to the hills until we were alone and isolated on top, from where we could see the whole city. He knew I loved it there, and I was glad he chose that place because I needed somewhere quiet. I got out of the car and sat on it looking down. James placed himself by my side.
"Feeling better?" He asked me as I cleaned my then swollen eyes.
"They must hate me right now." I said. "How could I just do that to them?"
"Tomorrow, you're gonna call Belle and you're gonna apologize, she will understand." He said.
"I feel so awful right now." I whimpered again and he pulled me closer to him. It felt good that moment to have his arms around me and his support. "I'm sorry." I said.
"What for?"
"For everything that has been happening. I don't want you to have doubts." I explained.
"It is a bit hard when you run to him to talk when you can talk to me. Why do you do that? Help me understand. My head is a mess babe..." He said. There we were, having a quiet and serious conversation without yelling or accusing each other.
"It seems easier to talk to him." I simply said. "I don't know how to explain this."
"That hurts me." He said.
"And I am sorry. But I don't want you to have wrong ideas in your head." James stepped in front of me and grabbed my face between his hands, making me look in his eyes.
"Will you go to therapy?" He asked. "I am begging you Andrea, will you, please, go to therapy?"
"I can't do that...I refuse to do that." I said.
"Why? When you asked me, I went there, for you. Why can't you do this for me? It's so obvious that you're struggling with what happened. Now that I am asking you to do this for us, you should also do it."
"Are you going to leave me?" I asked him looking into the blue of his eyes.
"No, I don't want to, but babe you're doing things so hard. You got me desperate here. First I felt like I had to bring you back to our family you know? Because you were so far away, even from the kids...but now, I feel like you're only pushing me away from you, and that makes me think. I am terrified of the fact that you found out you don't love me anymore or that you fell out of love meanwhile, but you say you love me, so please...let's work it out babe...please..." He kissed my lips tenderly and it felt right, but then it also felt right when Joe held my hand or played with my hair. I pulled away, shocked by the comparison that assaulted my head. "See..." He said so broken. I stepped forward and pulled my hair back.
"I am confused..." I confessed.
"Oh God..." He cried and I walked up to him.
"It's not confused in the way you're thinking." I pulled his head up. "I love you; I don't have doubts, or I am confused about that, but I do like to be around him and that is what is confusing me." I explained.
"Then you need to stay away from him!" He asked me. "One day you're gonna realize he's more important in your life than I am, and Andrea...I don't want that. I love you."
"No." I said firmly.
"You don't know that. You're fragile...vulnerable...you might do something that is gonna damage our relationship. You can't do that to us babe, we have so much and still can accomplish so much. Does it feel good when I kiss your lips? When I hold you?" James sounded so desperate that moment that I blamed myself mentally time and time again.
"Of course it feels good, even when you came after me at the restaurant it felt so good." I cried and then I came to him and pulled him closer to me. I held him tight and he did the same. "It feels good, it feels good..." I said, and I was being honest, that came from my heart.
"Then please stay away from him Andrea. I have such a bad feeling..."
"Nothing will happen." I rested a hand on his face, and we locked gazes. "Nothing..."
"Please let's do therapy together Andrea...let's get over it together babe, like it should be."
"Let's go home now." I said. "It's so late..." I said. James nodded and opened the door of the car of me, then he walked around it, going inside on his side. We came back home a bit calmer.
"Mommy..." Tyler ran to me as we opened the front door.
"What are you doing up? It's past midnight!" I said kissing him. The nanny appeared.
"I couldn't put him to sleep, I am sorry." She excused herself.
"It's ok." James told her.
"I'll put him in bed." I said. James stayed with the nanny and then I heard the door closing again, probably she was leaving as her duty was done.
"Now, close your eyes and sleep, ok? It's really late sweetie." I said after tucking him in bed and kissing his forehead. I stayed there a little, until I finally felt him sleeping and breathing fast and then I peeked at our bedroom and James wasn't there. I found him in the living room, sat on the couch in the dark. I approached him in silence and sat by his side. He looked distant, at least from what I could notice of his silhouette, probably he was thinking about our conversation.
"Hey..." I said trying to make him talk. "Don't you wanna go to bed?"
"No..." He said vaguely. I dragged my body closer to his and then raised a hand towards his hair, but I refrained middle way and put my hand down. James turned his head to look at me. "Give me your hand." He asked me. I did so and he ran my hand over his face. "I miss your spontaneous touch." He whispered and that broke my heart. I realized how much I was hurting the man I loved, how much I was wounding him, and I learned how much he was trying to get me back to him. I bent over him and I kissed his lips, more than a month since I was the one kissing him but that time I did so, and I wanted to do it. "I don't want your pity." He told me.
"It's not pity!" I exclaimed. "God...what is happening to us?" I asked as if I was waking up to reality as realized how messed up my relationship was.
"I just love you so much." He let out. I bent over him again and this time he let me kiss him. His lips parted expecting mine to correspond to his move and they did. Our tongues entwined, danced together. One of his hands tugged on the back of my neck and the other pulled me to him by my waist. My hands dived on his hair and the world stopped on that kiss. I melted into his arms, lost in his caress. His lips left mine to spread kisses on my cheeks and then down my neck, I had forgotten how soft they were, and he yanked a sigh from me when he nibbled in my ear, then he searched for my lips again. "Come back to me." He whispered before pressing them against mine one more time. I still kissed him back, with love and I hoped he could read that on my kiss, then his hands traveled under my dress and that froze me. I grabbed both his hands to stop him and the kiss broke there.
"Why?" He asked.
"I can't..." I said. And I couldn't explain why but I just couldn't get more intimate and even though my body shouted for his and my soul claimed for his love I couldn't give that step. I couldn't subside as I had so many times.
"Why can't you make love to me? Isn't what couples do when they love each other? You're my wife Andrea and I need you."
"You are right James...I'll go to therapy." I blurted.
"Oh my God, really?" He asked resting his forehead against mine.
"Yes." I said firmly. I wasn't sure if I was saying that just to rest him or if I was truly acknowledging I needed it. Truth was that night I realized many things I hadn't realized before. "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"Now I see a light at the end of the tunnel." He said. "Now I see it."
JAMES POV
Next morning I kissed my family goodbye and went to the studio, with my head and my soul shouting for help, for love and everything I needed that moment. Andrea agreed to go to therapy the night before but then in the morning I found her distant again. I had been reading about depressions, secretly, they said people would react like that, but I, deep inside, never expected Andrea to fall that low, though I could understand her.
I worked quietly with my band, not paying much attention to it, being quiet distracted in fact and when the coffee break arrived and Kirk and Jason left and Bob had to go out, Lars approached me to talk.
"What's the matter?" He asked straight away, sitting by my side.
"I am sorry for last night Lars; Andrea is not alright. Please forgive her." I began.
"I know, don't worry about that. Belle was a little hurt you know, but she understood. You need to do something James, Andrea is getting so lost."
"And don't you think I am trying? Man, I don't know what else to do...I ran out of ideas to cheer her up and then...the way she found to cheer up was seeking protection in another guy! She told me she was confused; now imagine how I am feeling."
"Confused, like in what? Having second thoughts about your marriage, about her feelings for you? Is that it?" He asked.
"She says she loves me. I guess the guy doesn't pressure her and she likes that now. She doesn't remember what happens with him, he's not related to that, but that is taking her away from me. I saw them together! I saw them talking by far and they were smiling, she was smiling to him and even laughed...man! He played with her hair and she let him!"
"Man...you have been spying on her?" Lars asked me surprised.
"Yes...she doesn't know about it. I know it's bad ok, but I had to see it. I never saw anything that could in fact compromise her, but she lets him get close, too close. She's calm with him, part of her old self is there with him, man I am dying here!" I rubbed my face. It was the first time I was confessing that.
"I don't know what to tell you James..."
"Don't say anything. I am just desperate. I don't know what to do. I ask her not to talk to him, but she still does, and I am so jealous of it, because he has what she doesn't give me right now. And it hurts, because she is married to me, we have two kids, I have given her so much. I never cheated on her, and you know that is true. I have made so many things and sacrifices for us and now when she had to make this little sacrifice of her own, she doesn't."
"And what do you honestly think of it?"
"I don't think she made anything yet. But I, better than anyone, know how far you can go when you're fragile and someone is offering attention to you. You commit the hugest of the mistakes in seconds and the way he looks at her...he wants her you know..."
"Then don't let that happen! If he has any sort of feelings for her, he's gonna try to get her now, she's weak, vulnerable...you don't let that happen. Go there, interrupt their conversations, give Andrea what she needs! Play the stranger she needs...don't talk about therapy or anything...offer her what he gives her."
"That is kind of impossible. I will never be that stranger; she will never see me like that." I argued.
"She loves you; she even says so. Trust me. Give her what he gives her, and she will never look at him again. He is giving her what she needs...love and attention."
"And I am not giving her that?"
"Yes, but you're also pressuring her. I don't blame you for doing that, that's not it, but she doesn't need that right now and that is proven. You'll see with time, all the other things that are really needed will come with it. That is my advice, don't let him win and take advantage. She will stay by your side."
I looked at Lars mesmerized with his suggestion, but something was telling me that he was right, there was truth in his words. "Maybe you are right."
"I am right."
"I'm going there now." I said getting up. It was about time for Andrea to end her classes and I knew on that break they would be together. I grabbed the keys of my truck and tapped Lars back. "No one is gonna take her from me."
"Of course not!" He exclaimed, but I slammed the door shut without saying anything else. I went to win back my wife.