When I was a kid, I used to resent the holidays.
Not because I didn't like presents or heaps of delicious food, but because my parents had a strict "family time" rule that, as a ten-year-old, I found incredibly tedious. No television, no computer, no play dates—just hours of uninterrupted family time during the holidays.
I don't think I ever complained about it out loud, but it did wear on me. There was only so much family I could take at a time.
Yet trapped in a hospital bed, literally tied down with wires and lines, I found that I couldn't get enough time with my family. I guess almost dying really puts things into perspective.
For the rest of Sunday, my family hung out with me on borrowed chairs in the ICU, talking and laughing, catching up in a way that I hadn't realized we had needed to do. Around 7pm, I was transferred out of the ICU and into a regular room. That's when my mom and Mallory headed home; it had been decided that my dad and Evan would stay with me overnight since my dad could work remotely and Evan didn't have any required classes on Mondays.
It honestly wasn't until the following morning, as I was getting ready for discharge, that I realized I had been missing something.
A nurse showed up with a stack of papers and a white paper bag. "Okay," she said, "I have your discharge papers here, and this is a bag of your personal belongings."
"Personal belongings?" I asked.
She peered into the bag. "Like, the clothes you were wearing the day you came in, your phone—"
"My phone!" I said, reaching for the bag and digging through it. The nurse chuckled when I finally found it at the very bottom. It was dead, but Evan had a charger, which I borrowed as the nurse and my dad discussed the discharge plans.
When my phone finally turned on, I saw that I had missed a ton of texts and phone calls. Clearly word had spread that I had gone comatose.
But by far, the most texts I had missed were from Taylor.
I scrolled up, finding the last text I had sent her, the one I had written as I had walked to what I assumed was my inevitable doom at Gilman Pond.
I cringed a little, rereading what could have been my last words to her: Hey Taylor. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for earlier. I shouldn't have said all those things about Clarissa. I was just jealous. You're lucky to have found someone who makes you so happy and makes you feel supported. And I just want you to be happy. I'm so sorry. I love you.
The "I love you" felt particularly resonant now.
And then, I read Taylor's stream of texts after that, each one a little more frantic than the one before:
- It's okay, she typed. Apology accepted. Everything's just been so crazy.
- Actually, do you mind if I call you? I really need someone to talk to.
- You didn't pick up, so I'm assuming you're asleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow!
- Okay... so this may be crazy, to text you when I know you can't respond. But I just found out you're in a coma and I don't know what to do. You're my best friend. I can't believe I wasn't there with you when this happened. And I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like this is all my fault. Please be okay. Please. I love you so much.
My stomach churned, lingering over the "I love you."
I started texting a response. I'm okay, I said. I woke up yesterday and just got my phone back. I'm actually being discharged from the hospital right now and will probably be home within an hour.
Taylor's response was almost instantaneous. OH MY GOD! she wrote in all caps. I'm crying in the middle of the cafeteria right now. I'm so happy you're alive.
I grinned at the phone, my heart swelling with happiness. But mixed in with the joy was a feeling of uncertainty. Things had changed since I had seen her last. I'd realized so much about myself.
Do I tell her about my feelings? Or do I keep them to myself? I thought. She was dating Clarissa, and she was so happy with her... What if I told her how I felt and it made everything awkward? I couldn't imagine losing my best friend, not now when I was getting a second chance at life.
But despite these thoughts and fears swirling around in my head, I knew that I wanted to see her. She was my best friend after all.
I started typing. Want to come over after school today?
Her response was an immediate YES!
When we got home, I turned the family room into my home base. I changed into PJs, set myself up on the couch, and covered myself in a throw blanket. After making sure I was settled, my dad vanished into his office, but Evan joined me, sitting cross-legged in an armchair as we watched Netflix for a few hours.
As our fourth episode wrapped up, Evan disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of leftover Halloween candy. "Since you missed out on trick-or-treating," he said by way of explanation.
"I hadn't been planning on going," I said, digging out a Snickers. "But thanks." Then, looking at him, "I'm glad you came home this weekend, Ev."
"Me too," he said, sitting back down. He was quiet for a moment, fiddling with his thumbs, before he asked, "Jessa... you didn't do anything the other night that you're not telling us about, right? You were acting weird before you went out, and then you fell into a coma like Billy... I guess I'm just wondering if everything's okay?"
My heart warmed at his concern. I couldn't tell him the truth—he'd never believe me if I did—but at least I could express my gratitude. "I'm good, Evan. I didn't do anything to try to hurt myself, if that's what you're thinking. And I'm very happy to be alive right now. So you don't have to worry about me. Promise."
He smiled back. "Okay, good. But just so you know," he said, popping a Hershey's kiss in his mouth, "you're getting weekly phone calls from me from now on."
I rolled my eyes. "Fair, fair," I said.
Suddenly there was a ring at the doorbell.
Evan raised his eyes. "Are you expecting anyone?"
My heart skipped a beat. "Taylor said she'd be coming over after school." I checked the clock; the timing seemed about right.
As I was currently cocooned in blankets, Evan went to get the door. However, I saw him pause in the entryway once the door was opened.
"Oh, hey Alex."
Shit, I thought, suddenly scrambling upwards. In the chaos of everything, I had completely forgotten about Alex.
"Hey," I heard Alex's voice floating in from the front door. "Is Jessa home?"
Evan tilted his head back to look at me, getting my permission. To be honest, there was a part of me that wanted to hide from him, ghost him until he got the hint. But I couldn't do that to him. As crazy as the past few days had been, Alex deserved an explanation. So I nodded.
"Yeah, she's here," Evan said. "She just got out of the hospital so she's resting..."
"I'll be quick."
"Okay," Evan said, taking a step back and letting Alex inside.
As Alex crossed into view, I saw he was holding a bouquet of sunflowers.
Oh shit, I thought, but it was too late now.
Evan pointed over at me in the family room, and Alex's eyes lit up when he saw me on the couch. Evan meanwhile gave me a wave. "I'm going to answer some emails," he said. "Be back in a few." He gave me a look that said call me if you need me, and just like that he was gone.
"Hey Jessa," Alex said, taking a few steps into the family room and passing me the flowers. "These are for you."
"Thanks," I said, staring down at the yellow petals. "They're beautiful." I looked up at him. "How did you know I was home?"
"Taylor," he admitted. "Everyone heard that you were found down at Gilman Pond, and once she got your text saying you were awake and okay, she sort of announced it to everyone. I don't think she could keep her excitement in." He grinned. "She's a good friend."
"Yeah, she is," I said, feeling my heart warm just a little. "Well... thanks for the flowers. It's a really nice gesture."
"Honestly, you deserve it after everything you've gone through." He slipped his hands into his pocket. "Besides, I felt kind of bad... like the last text you sent me was asking me out and then you were unconscious."
My stomach started churning. "Yeah... I feel a little bad about that one."
"I don't want to rush you," Alex said, looking a little nervous, "since you just got out of the hospital and all. But since you said you wanted to go on a date... how does this weekend sound? We could even just do something chill, watch Netflix or a movie or go for a walk depending on how you feel."
There was a part of me, perhaps a part from my past, that wanted to say yes. This was normal; being asked out by a guy is normal. And being asked out by a cute guy is better than normal. I should be jumping for joy. It was what I had wanted... or at least, what I had thought I had wanted.
But I couldn't deny my actual feelings. I couldn't lead this guy on just to make myself feel more comfortable.
"Alex," I said, "you know how when someone almost dies, they say you see your life flashing in front of your eyes?"
He looked a bit confused at my change of topic. "Yes?"
"That didn't exactly happen to me. But I did have some realizations." I felt my eyes tear up a little. "I haven't told anyone this yet... but I think I'm gay."
Alex blinked. I could see some of the sparkle in his eyes dimming at the realization.
"I'm so sorry," I apologized, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. "I didn't mean to lead you on... You're an awesome guy. And I promise this has nothing to do with you. I just didn't realize why I didn't feel that spark until I woke up in that hospital. I'm so sorry."
"Jessa," he said softly. "It's okay. You don't have to apologize for being you." He rubbed his arm. "I mean, it sucks a little, because I do think you're an awesome girl. But that's not a reason to apologize. And... honestly, I'm honored I'm the first person you've told."
"Yeah," I said, laughing a little despite myself. "I felt you deserved to know because you really are great. And you deserve someone who... well, who actually likes guys."
He laughed.
I looked down at the bouquet of flowers and started to hand them back. But Alex shook his head. "Keep them."
"Thanks."
I reached out my arms, and Alex gave me a hug. And then, probably because he was getting a little emotional too, he mumbled, "I'm going to head out," and he started towards the door.
However, just like Evan, he also paused once the door was fully open. "Taylor!" he said in surprise.
"Oh, hey Alex," Taylor said, sounding a little thrown off.
"I was just leaving," Alex said, wiping at his face. "Jessa's in the family room. I'll see you." And just like that he was gone.
Taylor stepped inside, looking mildly puzzled as she walked into the family room. "I think he was crying... what did you do to him?"
"Nothing!" I said, putting down the flowers.
Before I knew it, Taylor had rushed over to me and pulled me into the tightest of hugs.
"Oh God, Jessa, I'm so happy you're all right. I was terrified you were gone forever."
"Me too," I admitted, squeezing her back and feeling my heart speed up with her touch.
She let go of me, put her hands on my shoulders, and smiled that warm grin of hers. "You don't look too bad," she said. "What happened? Do the doctors know?"
"No," I said. "But it was probably a weird virus or something, same thing Billy had. I don't think it'll happen again."
"Good," she said, "because I would die if I lost my best friend." And suddenly there were tears in her eyes. "And I'd never be able to forgive myself if the last thing I'd ever said to you was so mean."
"Hey, it's okay!" I said, passing her the box of tissues. "I was the jerk, remember? And besides, I'm okay now. I'm here. You're not losing your best friend."
And yet as I said it, I felt the tiniest twinge in my chest. And that's when I knew I had to tell Taylor the truth, even if meant risking losing my best friend. I couldn't live a lie anymore.
I looked down at the sunflowers on the table. "So... I ended things with Alex."
Taylor blinked. "Really? Wow, no wonder he looked heartbroken. Why?"
"It's a little complicated," I said, fiddling with my blanket. "Some of it has to do with the fact I almost died... and things that I realized when I woke up in the hospital. Like that I didn't like Alex. And that I like..."
I found the word getting stuck in my throat. Concerned, Taylor reached out and touched my arm, which only made my eyes water up.
"You," I finally murmured.
Taylor paused, looking a little confused. "What?"
"I like you," I said, wiping my tears away. "In more than just a friend way. In a I think I might be gay way. And I almost didn't say anything because I know you're with Clarissa and I don't want things to be awkward between us. But I almost died. I almost lost you forever. And I don't want there to be any secrets between us."
Taylor looked a little shocked. "How long have you felt this way?"
I shrugged. "I don't know... I think a part of me has felt this way for a while. It's probably why I got so jealous of Clarissa and didn't even realize it." I shook my head. "I'm so sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
"I just don't want to make things awkward," I said, my eyes welling. "I don't want to lose you as a frien—"
But before I could finish the word, Taylor had leaned in and pressed her lips to mine.
I was startled for a moment, unsure what was happening, and then I felt her press a little harder, a little more insistent—and suddenly it was more than a brushing of our lips. We were kissing. It was just like it had been in that lake in the Underworld, only this time it was real. I wrapped my hands around her, fingers tangling in her hair. I gasped for breath, breathing in the scent of her shampoo before diving back in for more. Her lips were soft, yet firm, and I felt myself drowning in her touch...
Suddenly, I pulled back, realizing what was going on. "Taylor," I said, "we can't do this. Clarissa—"
"We broke up," Taylor said with a laugh. Her eyes were alight, sparkling almost. "The night you almost died... the last night we spoke before everything, Clarissa and I broke up. That's why I tried calling you—I needed someone to talk to about it." She sat down next to me on the couch. "You were right; we didn't have that much in common. I think I was just so excited to be dating someone that I overlooked that we weren't a great match. And things were just really weird after the dance. So we broke up." She held up a finger. "That said, we decided we're going to still be friends. Her art critiquing skills are A ."
"But..." My mind was still spinning. My fingertips were pressed to my lips, feeling the pulse of blood beneath my skin. I shook my head. "That kiss... was that because you wanted to or because you felt bad or—"
Taylor pulled my fingers away from my face and planted another light kiss on my lips. When she pulled back, she was smiling. "It's because I wanted to. Because I've wanted to do that for so long."
My heart started racing. "Really?"
She nodded. "Really. But you never seemed interested in anyone, let alone me, and I didn't want to risk ruining anything with my best friend."
"I still don't want to risk that," I said, suddenly feeling a little nervous. "What if this is all a mistake? I don't want to rush into a relationship and lose you."
She wrapped her fingers through mine. "I learned from my mistakes with Clarissa. We'll take it slow. Baby steps. And I'll respect any boundaries you set. Which means if you're not ready to make things public, I won't say a word. And if it doesn't work out, I promise to still be your best friend. You're important to me. I don't want to lose you either." She looked me in the eye. "Do we have a deal?"
They were words I'd have never thought I'd be so happy to hear again. I nodded, then pulled her into another long kiss.
"Taylor," I murmured after a few minutes as I settled against her skin.
"Mmm?"
"Will you go on a date with me on Saturday?"
She grinned, bright and brilliant. "I thought you'd never ask."
- - -
Yay! They finally kissed! Woohoo!! How are you guys feeling right now? What are your thoughts on this? Let me know below! <3 Bdicocco