Dear Bennie,
I got your gift and I am fucking devastated. I am hurt.
I feel so angry with myself of the future I feel cheated out on and I hate that I am angry. It reminds me of how truly selfish I am. You're dead. You're gone forever and I am mad because I wanted the trip to fucking happen.
I don't know what to do. I know the tickets are still good, but how can I go on a trip without you? How can I even try to take someone on a special trip like that? How can I even celebrate a birthday without you? How am I supposed to do life without you?
Today is a dull day, and it's not because of you. It's because of the absence of you and your amazing aura. God, please strengthen because I am afraid my fragility only thickens.
Roxie
******************************
"Everyone please give it up for Roxie," Melissa clapped for me as I stood and walked to the front.
I smiled at Ricky as he flashed me a goofy smile.
"This is called Last Call."
I cleared my throat and shook my hands, ridding myself of my nerves as I opened my eyes and scanned the crowd. We had grown in numbers, Mindy joining as well as Taemin. He was a writer too and we had grown closer since his brother and I continued dating.
"Wave your ticket please," I started.
"Let me stamp the time once more, this is the last call. Please, speak up; loud and clear for this is the last call. Goodbyes rang in my ears as whispering love you's and the final searing kisses stain on cheeks covered with tears. My Last call, is when dreams merge into still pictures. As memories that were etched eternally begin to fade and faze away. This is the last call, I think to myself as wandering eyes become staring friends. Worried, for how fragile is thy heart to withstand one final call."
I took a deep breath.
"This final wave in the air, as your outstretched finger tips merge with the other, releasing permission to break your heart once more. Eyes, once wandering are not cemented in place; to hold their gaze once more. Wave your tickets please, let me stamp the final word. The final embrace; the final time one more. This is the last call."
I licked me lips as they clapped for me and bowed gently.
"That was amazing, Roxie!" Melissa stood, "really interesting. Please do more," she patted my back.
"Anymore?" she asked and Ricky stood. "You got this," I touched his shoulder and he blushed.
I took a seat by Taemin and Mindy. They had began to get a bit closer as well.
I think Mindy was just as confused as we were about sexual preference, but he seemed to be ok with her experimenting.
"This is called Mother's Last Wishes," he started.
"She was a writer. A maker of beautiful thoughts and phrases, painted for the outside world to witness. She was creative soul, begging for her imagination to pour into your hearts. She was an angel in ragged human clothing as she tried to socialize merrily with devils in sheep's clothing. Mother's last wishes was to love me. She wished to love life as though it was betraying her that very moment."
"Her very last wish was for her to finish her work. Not by her hand, but by mine. Because I am a writer. I am a maker of beautiful thoughts and phrases, etched out on the beautiful canvas that is life. I am a creative soul, begging to release her imagination into everyone's hearts. To prove to the world that an angel in ragged human clothing trying to please the dark world was my mother. To fulfill mother's last wishes."
He stepped back and we stood and clapped for him.
His words were beautiful and he rushed to us.
"Ok, that sums up this meeting, we'll meet up again next weekend. And before we go, it seems as if someone has a birthday coming up."
They turned to me and I blushed. "I'm sorry," Ricky whispered, as they rushed out a big cake.
"God, guys," I felt my face flush, "you did not have to do this." I covered my face as they began to sing to me. "Since we might not see you next weekend, we had to. You're an amazing member and important to us," Melissa explained.
After eating the cake, we went to the park to sit and relax as the weekend rushed past.
"So, what are we doing for your birthday?" Ricky asked. "Are you and Darian planning anything?" Taemin asked, as Mindy turned to me. She gave me a look and I sighed.
"I guess I have to come clean," I sighed, saving my ice cream.
"What happened?" Ricky asked and I looked at them.
"I got a gift," I started, "from Bennie."
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his face turned to panic, "what was it?"
"He had began to plan my birthday gift, with a trip." "Oh," he rubbed his neck, "I am sorry, Roxie." "It's cool, we've been busy," I started and Mindy grabbed Taemin's hands. "Let's go over there," she tried to play cool and he caught on, giving us space.
"Yeah, we have been. I've been a shitty friend." "No, and if you think you were then I was too. Dating does that, I guess," I bit my lip and he grabbed my hand. "So, what are you going to do?" he asked, sitting closer to me. "I don't know," I shrugged, "he wrote me letters, too. I haven't seen his handwriting since I read his letter."
I felt myself get choked up, but Ricky pulled me into a hug. "It's alright," he rubbed my back, soothing me. "I think you should do it. Closure," he started and I pulled away. "There's two tickets." "Do you want me to go with you?" he asked and I looked up at him.
"I do, but I don't think it's appropriate. I mean you and Jessica are doing good and I don't want Darian uncomfortable." "To hell with what they say, honestly. And besides we are just friends. What do you want?" "I have a week to think. Thankfully my birthday falls during fall break. So, if you do come with me, or if I choose Darian, then we can go easily."
"Do you think Darian is ready for that?" "Well, he loves me," I shrugged and Ricky tensed.
"Oh, you two have said the L word?" "I haven't, yet at least," I pulled away and looked up at him, "he's a really good guy." "I know," he smiled, "I just want to make sure you guys are not moving too fast. I don't want him to break your heart." "I don't think he is," I bit my lip, "I am damaged."
"There's nothing wrong with you, Roxie," he groaned, "you lost your best friend and you're coping." "Am I?" I asked, "I still write letters to him and wait for a response. As if he's just going to wake up and talk back. As if miracles are real," I held my hands, "as if he isn't dead."
"Roxie," he tried to stop me. "No, I'm fucked up, Ricky. You know it's true. I am so self absorbed that I didn't even realize my best friend was screaming for help. I was too worried about my drama, that I didn't see that he was hurt. I didn't even know he was writing letters to me. How is that possible, when we were literally together every freaking day?"
"Getting mad at yourself doesn't help," he tried to stop me again, but I pulled away. "Acting like I'm not wrong, doesn't help either." "Roxie, you know in your heart if you had a feeling that Bennie was hurt, you would have helped. No one can predict someone's mind frame." "Can you predict mine?" I asked, "how do you know I won't do what Bennie has done?"
"I don't," he paused and brushed his hair back, "I just pray that you don't. You have people here for you." "He did, too," I cried and he held me closer.
"Let me go," I stood and walked away from him.
"Roxie!" he yelled and I stopped. I saw Tae and Mindy watching from afar, too scared to stop us.
"Leave me alone, Ricky," I begged but he grabbed my arm, turning me around. "No, not until I think you're ok," he held onto me. "I'm not going to off myself, Ricky. I promise." "Stop fucking joking around, this isn't funny, Roxie. You're hurt, you're not the only one that has lost someone. Take responsibility of your hurt and move on."
"Fuck you," I pulled away, "you have no idea what I am going through." "Because you shut yourself away from us. We're trying, but we can only do so much."
"Yeah, maybe the world would be better without me, huh," I folded my arms.
"Stop!" he sounded annoyed and I hated that I was doing this, but I was stuck in a mood. I hated myself right now and no matter how hard he tried to prove that my hands were clean in Bennie's death; I would never believe him.
"Just shut up, Roxie," he grabbed my shoulders and shook me, "you have people that love you, stupid. I hate arguing with you about your worth, but you have to believe me. When you hurt, I hurt. OK?"
I looked into his eyes and knew he was serious. "I told you I'm fucked up," I sighed and he pulled me into a hug.
"We're all a little fucked up," he sighed into my ear, "let's be fucked up together."
"Ok."