I wish I can go back in time and tell you every thing you want to hear from me. Or is it too late already? - Logan.
~~~
37. Almost ex-wives and very ex-mothers
(Alexandra)
Alexandra had known that it would be very hard to face Logan, again, after all this, to talk to him like nothing mattered, but it was not as hard as she had imagined. It had been manageable, though the pain still assaulted her.
Yes, it was a bummer that her heart still thrashed when she saw him sitting there, all handsome and grumpy, and it was also very pathetic that she wanted to lean in and kiss against those pouty lips, but she was almost sure she didn't give anything away. She was cool, calm and stoic --she was practically Logan!
It is hard to love you and it is hard not to love you. She thought. She did not know what to do with that.
After she handed him the check for the car--the money she borrowed from Leo, another debt she had to pay back-- she walked out of the long room, that was made of so many glasses that it reflected their failure from every angle.
Alimony. Tch! She thought with a scoff as she stiffly walked down the stairs. The whole place was lavish --they were thriving from the divorces.
It was generous that he wanted to give her alimony and a share of his properties --which wasn't in the contract. But she didn't want any of that now.
She had wanted his money before, only because she thought it would help her to win her father's company back. But now that that case was going exactly in the right direction, she didn't need anything. If she won, she would be rich in her own right, but even if they lose the case, she wouldn't be exactly homeless and hungry. Not again.
She was standing on her own legs, now --and yes, again, all thanks to Logan. But she was growing also because she was extremely good at what she was doing. Now she was earning much better than what she had earned serving tables. So that was that!
She had started working on the Condo of Avery Carlos -- the friend Mathilda had introduced to Alex after she had finished Matilda's mansion-- and Mr. Carlos was liking her job, and so was his daughter. The daughter, Delilah Carlos, was excited with the way Alex's mind works and she had promised Alex that she would give away Alex's business cards to every one of her friends.
And the work was getting much bigger than she could handle by herself these days, that she had hired an assistant after Leo continued to bother her about it. Leo was also pestering her to hire a man, to help her out with all sort of things and she was looking, still and she needed to find the second one soon, because she just got another job lined up to decorate a new art gallery.
Emma's new house was almost done, before all this ensuing mess, and Alex was sure Emma could buy the covers and drapes and a few coffee tables by herself. She had talked with Emma about it on the phone, and Alex knew Emma didn't want to talk about her house, but they had pretended that there was nothing else they needed to talk about.
Alex hadn't still talked with Eliza since that night, not because she was angry, but because she was just so tired. Tired of facing anyone else.
She rather liked living in the solitary confinement of her hotel room, like a hermit crab, holed up in her own cocoon.
After two days of staying in Mathilda's house with Leo, Alex had decided to leave and she had found a room in Hotel LeBauss. And it was a nice hotel, not totally luxurious, but just right for what she was earning. And not creepy with creeps.
I am doing well on my own and I don't need his money to buy my food. Not again. She though angrily.
It was all she was feeling these days. One day she was angry and then there was the grief lining over her heart muscle, like thick bike oily remains. Amid them, the happiness came only in a short burst, very rarely, very occasionally.
"Alex, wait." His voice still had the ability to shatter her defenses, but she couldn't let that happen.
She sighed and turned back to look at him, putting back on the mask of calm indifference. It had become easier with time. To put it on and to take it off as she pleased. Logan was the one who taught her that as well, what with the contract and the constant lying.
"Yes?"
"I want to talk with you, Alex. We can't just end it all like-"
"We just talked. What else do we need to talk about?"
"You think we have nothing to talk about? Without the presence of the lawyers?"
"Ms. Lovell asked me not to talk with you without her presence, so..." Alex shrugged.
He took in a deep breath. "I know you are angry, but-"
"I am not angry with you, Logan, not anymore. I am just angry at myself and I can't run away from myself like I can from you. It is a dilemma, but..." She shrugged.
"I am sorry for that day." He looked truly sorry and she knew he was. But it had become too late to apologize, because she had already forgiven him. For that day, if not for everything else.
"It is fine."
"It is not fine, Alex. I was hurt and I was feeling like you have betrayed me and I said all thes-"
"I did betray you and I know, it was underhanded and duplicitous and I just, I still don't know what made me stoop that low. I told myself that it was for love, even when I knew it was unscrupulous and manipulative. But now that I think of it, I feel like I shouldn't have wanted that kind of love. I was so wrong to want that kind of love. It made me do things I would have normally hesitated to do and that is my mistake. My mistake was not falling in love with you, Logan, because you are amazing, but my mistake was to stop treating myself with the respect I deserved, for you. I now know all that."
As she spoke, it became clear. Everything that felt so hazy and obscure. It was like she could finally see behind the cloud of smoke.
He flinched back as she stared at her, silently.
"And I finally feel like I can become myself, Logan. I don't want to jeopardize it again. Not even for you."
"I am sorry I made you-- leave that, but I agreed to pay you, and it is in the contract. So just- let me do just that." He almost pleaded.
She smiled. "We both broke the contract all the way up and down, Logan. It was invalid from the very first moment we fell in bed together. And then I crossed the line when I fell in love with you and I don't feel like you should pay me anything. But if you are worried that I will be homeless again, don't. You might have heard from Mr. Marino that the case against my dad's previous partners are going great and also I have projects lined up to take care of myself. So don't feel guilty, Logan. I am fine and you are the one I should thank for that. Twenty million or whatever, it is nothing when compared to all this you have given me to stand on my own and that is the honest truth."
He stared at her for a while and then shook his head, and he looked like he had lost the game. She knew how he hated losing anything.
It made her feel bad, but she couldn't keep feeling bad for him. And hurting herself in the process.
She had to come out of all these past addictions and patterns. That was the only way she would survive this heartbreak.
"If that is what you want, then okay."
"It is what I want."
"I can give at least that." He said with a sad smile that twisted a knife deep inside her heart. "At least that. Bye, Alexandra. Have a happy life." He whispered before he turned away from her.
"Bye, Logan."
She blinked her eyes as she walked away.
***
(Logan)
Logan felt defeated as he walked back to where his lawyer was seated in the long conference room of the biggest law firm in NY. The glass table reflected Logan's face and he didn't like the look on his face. Like he had lost his whole world. Or something equally as drastic.
He couldn't stop thinking about everything Alex had just told him.
She didn't look angry. She didn't look hurt. She just looked relieved. Like she had figured out how to make the best of this life without him. Like she had learnt the way to stop wanting the kind of love that made her into something she was not.
And it was like a punch in his solar plexus, a knife in his heart.
He wondered if he could ever learn a way to stop wanting her, to make the best of this life without her.
She was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he had broken it, destroyed it, because he was...
Afraid. Scared to love her. To give in.
"Mr. Cordero, you can agree to whatever Ms. Lovell asks for, I have no intent to fight for anything. And you can call me after you file the divorce papers. I don't think I need to be there for all this. Michael Marino suggested you to me and he told that you are a very competent lawyer and so I trust you to do whatever you can to make it easy for her."
"Sure, Mr. Forte. That is my job, and you are paying me a lot for that and I will do whatever you want. But can I ask you one thing?
"Go on."
"Why are you getting divorced? I can see how much you care for her and about her comfort and everything else. Is is because of her? Did she not want to be with you anymore?"
She didn't. Want to be with him.
"It is not like that. I am the one who messed up and so I don't want to put her through anymore hardship than is necessary. I will see you, Mr. Cordero." Logan turned back from the man and walked out.
He didn't want to go back home, he didn't want to sit in the silence and go crazy with all these loud voices prodding and poking in his head, so he drove to the restaurant he usually would dine with Alex. And sat there in the table they had always sat, reminiscing about her, about what made her who she was, about how she made him feel all alive and vivid.
Before her, he was black and grey and then she stormed in, with all the rainbows in her smile, in her soul and he had changed. For the better.
Now that she left, he felt like the greys and blacks were catching up with him again, that his scowl was becoming more and more pronounced, that his anger was becoming uncontrollable. And he hated all these changes in himself.
But I can't ask her to stay for all the wrong reasons. I can't.
When the waiter came, he ordered for a bottle of white wine and ordered one of her favorite dessert to eat.
He would say goodbye to her in his own way.
Just because he couldn't love her didn't mean he wasn't in pain. He hurt. Everywhere. And it was the God's honest truth. He hated himself for being Barbara's son. For never learning to forgive Barbara or himself.
For being this insensitive and unfeeling jerk.
But he was afraid to love Alexandra. Afraid that she would hurt him like his mother. Afraid that he would hurt her like his mother.
It was all so mixed up. All these bottled up feelings weren't doing him any good. He felt like he would blast like a bomb if he kept on with it. And yet, he didn't have anyone he could tell all these things to. He was afraid to open up, even to Daniel about this.
Logan wanted to cry and scream. But he wondered if he would be able to stop if he did cry.
"Logan."
He jerked up in his seat.
Think of the devil and here she is.
There was a man standing next to her and she turned back and whispered something to him. The man looked down at Logan before he nodded and walked away.
"What do you want?"
"Can I sit, Logan?" She asked as she looked at him with worry and question.
"You can't." He said and she nodded.
"I think I must sit. I know you are angry, but you need to stop being so angry with yourself and so..."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Where is your wife, Logan? Don't tell me. I know and I also know you are doing a big mistake."
"What do they say about Satan reading holy words?" Logan scoffed.
"As long as it is the holy word, you should heed to it even if Satan is the one who is reading them. It is the words that matter, not the who." Barbara said as she pulled the chair out and sat down.
Logan grunted. He couldn't just physically drag her away and he also hated making scenes. It would be bad for his reputation. So he just stared at his hands as she sat there for a minute. And two. Maybe she would go away if he stayed silent.
"I met, no, I accidentally ran into Emma the other day and she told me-"
"She had no right to tell you anything." He scowled.
"More like screamed --Emma had always been the calm one-- that I am the reason for all the mess in your life and how I made you into this cold and insensitive jerk and whatever, who can't love anyone, but I don't believe it. Not for a second. You are not cold or insensitive, you can be guarded, yes, stoic, of course, but you are not cold. You are the most sensitive person I have known even when you were just-"
"How do you know who I am now? You haven't seen me in what, 24 years? Don't talk to me like you know me."
"Yes, but I have also seen you with your wife on various occasions, and the look in your eyes when you were with her, it wasn't coldness or indifference, Logan. I know how indifference would be like. My eyes were like that when I looked at your dad. Your eyes, not that. Anyone can see how much you love her."
"You think you can come to me with all your wise words and I will believe that you weren't the same greedy woman who had left us? No."
"I am- I don't want you forgive me, Logan, but I want you to stop giving me enough power to destroy you. Or do you still love me enough to let me break you again? Break your life?" Her cold grey eyes-- his eyes-- glinted as she looked at him.
He swallowed the lump in his throat. Those eyes, it made him think twice. He knew where he had got that look from, now.
"I don't love you. I have stopped loving you the day you left."
"So why are you letting me affect your decisions, Logan?"
"I didn't-"
"If you want to hurt me, you have to hurt me, Logan." She pointed to herself with a frown. "But, no, you are hurting yourself. What I did was wrong, Logan, so wrong, and reading about your success--my baby's success-- and never have the courage to approach you, it was my punishment. And then meeting you and being ignored and seeing how much you hated me, it is my punishment. So don't punish yourself for what I did to you all those years ago."
He sat there, silent, as he looked at the woman in front of him. She looked thin and wrinkled and as he had once said, time hadn't been kind on her face. But it looked like it had been kind on her heart. Almost.
"I don't give you enough thought to-"
"You are lying, Logan. I knew I was wrong when I left you, but I always knew Beth would be better for you and she loved your dad and-"
"And so you are telling me that you sacrificed it all for Beth?" He chuckled wryly. "Are you telling me that you could see the future where we all would be happy with Beth and you were big hearted enough to leave us? God. I can't believe your audacity to come and sit here and talk about this." He spat the words out with vengeance.
"You are like me in that way, at least, Logan. We both are audacious enough to ask for things we don't deserve."
It hit right on the mark. He didn't know whether it was what she intended, but it was so right. So on point.
God. She is so, so right.
He was audacious enough to sat there and ask Alex to give him everything without giving anything right back. He was presumptuous enough to call her a hypocrite when he was the hypocrite all along.
I am so sorry, Lex.
"But to be honest, I wasn't that generous to leave you all for Beth, I just told myself it would be alright. That she would not just sit there and watch you becoming a train wreck. She loved you all too much to let it happen. She was always the better one out of us two."
"She still is." Logan said as he took a gulp of his water. The wine bottle and the chocolate pastry sat in front of him, untouched.
Barbara nodded.
"I wanted success, it was like a burn for me, Logan. It was a burn underneath my skin. I see you all and you are all obstacles in my path. I didn't love your dad anymore and I couldn't stay. I was suffocating. But even then, I wanted to bring you with me, I promise, but I knew I can't give you anything that you deserve. You were my special boy, Logan and I - I am sorry I broke you, I hurt you, but I won't let you hurt yourself, not on my account. Not after all these years."
Logan shook his head. "Like I said, I don't care what you want to do or don't, just don't come back into my life with all these-"
He wasn't finished yet, when she waved a hand at him. It looked like a twig, but paired with her eyes, it made him shut up.
"After I met Emma, I am planning to come to your house tomorrow-- it isn't that hard to find out where you live, I mean, you are Logan Adrian Forte-- but then here you are, today, and it almost feels like God's plan. I think he doesn't want you to waste another day of your life by your stubbornness."
"I am not stubborn." He felt like a whiny kid as he said that and she gave him a look-- the one she gave him whenever she found his hand in the candy box and it made him feel all these wierd things in his stomach.
"You are pertinacious and willful and it is all good when you want to succeed, Logan, and you did. You have reached heights, but it is not good when it comes to love. You have all these made up ideas in your head about love and you are adamant, almost perverse to allow yourself to see that you are indeed in love with Alexandra, that she is the one. You are afraid to realign all your ideals, to ness it upcand it is okay to be afraid. But it is not okay to let fear destroy everything you want."
"You don't know what I want. None of you know what I want and talking like this, like you all knew. Daniel, Emma, Eliza, Dad and now You. What-"
"Because we all knew, Logan, just by looking. Why do you think we all keep saying this? Because we can see it. It is strange that you don't know, that you can't see. Or do you? I am almost sure you keep pretending not to see it yourself, your own heart." Barbara said as she grabbed a glass and poured a wine for herself. "I think I need this, but you are already foggy and confused, so don't drink your wine." She said as she corked the bottle back.
He grumbled. "Make yourself at home in my table."
She chuckled. "I will." She said. "Let me tell you one thing I really did know, Logan. If you let her go, you will regret it forever. Like I regretted leaving you all. Not your dad, just you three. Especially you. God, how I regretted it." She whispered, her eyes cloudy. "Emma and Eliza had always been Daddy's girls. But you, you were mine. My little boy, and I regret it to this day. I knew I couldn't have given you anything, I knew I would have made your childhood bad if I brought you with me, I knew I did the right thing by leaving you and still I regret leaving you. I regret not having the courage to bring you with me."
"You did a favor by leaving me. You are right. Beth is the right one for us. For me. For our family. You are not. You wouldn't have been."
Barbara flinched back before she gave him a nod. "Yes. I deserve that. So tell me, tell me you won't regret this years later, tell me you won't regret this decision when you see Alex with a new man next to her, holding her and she, holding his kids. Tell me you will be okay listening to her saying how you did a favor to her by leaving her, how the new man, he is the right one for her, that he is her family. Because I am not okay hearing all this." She said with a dry smile.
Now it was Logan's turn to flinch back.
_
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Me: Barbara? Nice seeing you. Hope at least you can put some sense back into him, because you are the one who made him like this. *glaring at her*
Barbara: I know. I know.
Logan: she is a pain in the ass. 🤦♂
Me: I know, but I feel like she has gone through all of this. You should listen to her...🤷♀ she sounds like she knows what she is talking about.
Logan: yeah, yeah *grumbles*
Finally. A tinge of Barbara. A look into who she was...What do you think of her and this chapter? Like it? Not? 👍? 👎?!
I almost like Barbara as I write her. These days I am liking everyone except Logan. 😆
Oh, darling Logan, I want you, the one who is sensitive and caring and thoughtful, back...
Stop being an arrogant idiot! 🙇♀
Comments are welcomed, as always. Pour your heart out, and make me smile. Scream at Logan, call him names, cheer for Alex and make me happy! 😄
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#i changed the title, (Because I just don't think this title fits anymore)