"I like it." He said from my bed.
"George you're not supposed to like it. It's a shit shirt." I quipped.
"Yeah but your tits are out and I like looking at them so..."
Whipping my head around I narrowed my eyes at him but he was grinning like an excited puppy.
"... Just kidding."
Rolling my eyes, I tried to button up the shirt for the fifth time.
"Stupid boobs!" I yelled and gave up. "Right. I'm sorry but I'm not going."
George got up and stood in front of me. He towered over me, and I couldn't help but smile at him. He looked so handsome it was unfair, all that dark hair and stubble. And his arms... in that shirt... that was meant to be unattractive... but failed...
"I have another shirt you can borrow. It's from my weird eighties phase I had when I was fourteen." He said warmly, kissing my hands and rubbing his thumbs over my knuckles. "It's important we go. That's what you told me."
"That was before my tits couldn't fit into my clothes." I sighed, knowing it was more than just aesthetics.
Corey and his friends were going to be there and I didn't know if I could handle being around so many people.
He leaned down and kissed my cheek softly. Tingles feathered down my back like a soft caress and my mood instantly calmed.
"I'll go get you the shirt."
Huffing, I sat down at my dressing table and put my hair up in a bun out of my face. I was trying to make progress and having my hair down would only tempt me to hide my face away.
"Here you go." George passed me a pile of gaudy crimson and purple fabric and I pulled it over my head. It didn't even smell like him.
"It works." I said and looked at myself in the mirror. At least this one fit.
I tucked the shirt into my black mom jeans and shrugged on a big fluffy grey jacket.
"Shall we go?"
"Yep." I said curtly, but took his hand to soften my anxious mood. "I'll drive."
I attempted to give my siblings a warm goodbye as we proceeded to go downstairs. My mother was watching a film with Anna in the lounge whilst the twins studied in the kitchen. It was still so bizarre to have her around all the time and I really hated it, and if it weren't for Abi and Harry I would be primarily sleeping at George's house.
Since making up with my siblings, I'd decided that we should probably not sleep with one another every night like we'd been doing since Christmas. Speaking with Gemma about the issue had made me realise it was not a particularly healthy habit to form, though it was still healthier than some of my other coping mechanisms, but it would be a shame to develop yet another addiction.
Addiction to George.
Taking the driver's seat, I reversed out of the drive and drove hyper-focused all the way to the pub which, unfortunately, was closer than I wanted. Driving gave me head space and was an excellent way to procrastinate.
"Breathe Cass." George instructed from beside me. I hadn't realised how tense I was coming off.
"Sorry babe." I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. We'd arrived.
"What did you just call me?"
I snapped my eyes open and instantly my cheeks flooded with heat.
"Um."
"Cassie."
Biting my lip, I turned around to face him.
"Maybe I called you babe." I mumbled. "Or maybe I didn't. Maybe you're just hearing things. Maybe you mis-heard. Or maybe you heard a ghost-"
"Woah, sorry Hamlet." He chuckled and somehow managed to pull me from my seat and into his lap. I sat with his thighs between mine. "You're lucky we're about to go to a pub quiz because your terms of endearment are making me hard and there's so many things I'd love to do to you."
"Shut up." I whispered. "Don't say anything else. Otherwise it'll escalate and I don't want to have sex in a car whilst I'm wearing this horrible shirt."
He laughed against me as his mouth brushed mine barely, taunting me with the prospect of a time-stopping kiss. Bliss. Blank canvas.
He settled with a quick peck on the side of my mouth.
"Come on let's go inside, it's freezing in this car and that's the only thing calming my boner." He suggested and patted my bum a few times.
"You tease." I chastised.
"Later babe." He smouldered a promise, as we got out of my car. "Later."
We went inside the pub and immediately the warm rush of air hit my face, the typical homely smell of beer and candles burning gracing my nostrils. It had been so long since I'd socialised at the pub. With my group we'd often go, the owners of this pub in particular serving us despite being underage.
I spotted Corey standing by a few tables filled with people I didn't really recognise. Some of them were familiar because they debated for school. And even worse, there were a few of Corey's hockey friends too, a couple of them had been my hookups.
Not good.
Cringing internally, I felt the steady rise of anxiety creep up my arms and my breathing accelerate. I was about to ask George if we could leave when Corey spotted me and practically ran towards me and hugged my tightly.
Corey was built like a bull, and so his form engulfed me. But I was thankful, it felt like cuddling an enormous fluffy teddy bear.
"I didn't think you'd come but I'm so happy you both did!" He pulled back and roughly patted George on the shoulder. "Let me buy you a drink! Oscar is here - he's on our team, you must come meet him."
I laughed but felt a little nauseous from it all.
"Cor, I'm gonna get us some food so I'll buy first round. What do you want?" George told him and kept his hand firmly attached to mine. It felt like an endless stream of heat was pulsing from his body to mine.
Corey asked him for a pint and George tugged me gently over to the bar with him.
"Would you like a drink or do you think it'll be a bad idea?" He asked peering at me with concern in his eyes.
"I think I'll just have a half-pint for now." I decided thinking through all the possible consequences consuming alcohol could induce. He ordered a mass of food. "Hungry?"
He chuckled and brushed some hair behind my ear that had come loose from the bun atop my head. "Yeah. I did a long workout and didn't have much time to eat properly. Gotta carb the fuck up now haven't I?"
I laughed at his excited expression and helped him carry four drinks and two enormous plates of fish and chips to the table Corey had settled on with a new face sat beside him.
"Hi I'm George." George introduced himself immediately as he sat down, shaking Oscar's hand and offering him a warm smile.
"Oscar, pleased to meet you." He chirped back in a rather deep and masculine voice. He found my eyes as I sat down in front of Corey and smiled. "Cassie is it?"
"Yeah." I murmured and tried to smile. "That's me."
I felt awkward, especially since Oscar was a lot more intimidating than I expected. Corey had told me he was a very soft person but he was bulky and looked like he worked out a lot. For some reason his physical strength seemed to frighten me, yet this assumption felt irrational considering how strong and well built George was. And George was the most thoughtful and soft person I knew.
George caught on quickly and immediately launched into a thousand different conversation topics whilst I could settle down and calm myself. He was so perfect and attune to me. Distracting everyone else meant the attention wasn't on me.
Apparently the quiz wasn't starting for another half hour so we had time to get to know Oscar who was - as I came to find out - a lovely person. He was a little older than Corey, studying education at uni, and taught regularly in a primary school. I learned that he was also a weight-lifter, but primarily his interests were reading fantasy books and studying history.
George and him got on like a house on fire.
Corey was quite bevved, but so excessively enthusiastic that it made me laugh. He'd always been an entertaining person, melodramatic and hyper political, but his giddy drunkness was pure amusement for me.
George nudged me to eat, and I did, now that I was relaxed. Before we knew it, the quiz was starting.
Between the four of us we felt we had a strong knowledge base. George and Oscar were strong in the humanities department and I knew a fair amount about the sciences. Corey was certain he would get all the pop culture questions.
George was so academically intellectual, and it comforted and attracted me all at the same time. Every question that was read he scribbled down the answer within a second.
"Fucking hell George you're amazing at this." I remarked and slid my hand over his thigh. "You should sign up for Uni Challenge next year."
He smirked at me and leaned forward to peck my nose. "Hmm maybe I will."
Heat travelled through my body at the public display of his affection. I was embarrassed, but only because I could see in my periphery that the couple of lads from hockey who I'd slept with before were watching us.
"You two are adorable." Oscar commented and sat with his face in his hands. "Your babies are gonna be unbelievably beautiful."
His comment felt all too real with what was happening to Anna. She was due in the next month and I was as nervous about the birth as I was excited for her to leave my life.
My mother had seemed to become attached to Anna in a way that she'd never been able to do with her actually children. I wondered how she would find Anna's leaving once she'd given birth.
"Do you know what's going on with Anna?" Corey questioned gently, his drunk persona seeming to disappear as he breached the serious topic.
I shrugged. George squeezed my hand under the table.
"It is what it is I suppose." I mumbled. "Sarah's back living at home with us. It's weird. Does anyone want another drink? I'll get this round."
Wanting to move the conversation on and away from the girl who ruined my life and was ruining it still, I awkwardly jumped out of my seat and went to the bar and quickly ordered three pints and stumbled over my words as I decided what I wanted.
My body was screaming for numbness. But I thought of George and his arms and his scent and his comfort. I thought and thought of this until my words physically could not utter the words 'vodka please'.
Instead, I ordered a pint of coke and more chips and nibbles. Fight bad habits with new good habits.
Eating was going to be a new good habit, I decided.
Somehow, during all of this I missed the speaker saying that the quiz was over and that we had to hand in our answer sheets and wait for the winner to be announced. Music started playing and most people shifted towards the bar for a post-quiz refill.
"Just going out for a smoke." Corey told me and pulled out a straight from his pocket. I didn't see Oscar pull one out too so I assumed he was following Corey to keep him company.
As soon as they had gone, George pulled me closer to him and kissed me softly on the cheek, resting his head there so he could whisper in my ear.
"How you feeling?" He asked.
I nodded and smiled, pecking him quickly on the lips. "Good. That was fun. I actually love quizzes. We should do it again."
"It's a date." He replied and gave me a sultry, suggestive look. I was reminded by his earlier words in the car.
"Cassie?"
A voice I was not keen on hearing. It was Rhys and David, both boys who played hockey who I'd used for booty calls over the last couple of years. They took Corey and Oscar's seats in front of us.
Oh no. Oh no.
I didn't know whether to rip myself away from George in shame at having previous intimate relationships with the two boys, or whether to grip onto his hand as flashbacks started forming in my head.
"I haven't seen you lads on the debate society? Are you first years?" George asked, and just from his tone - I daren't look at his face - I could see he was being condescending.
"No, we're second years. Well Dave is actually a third year but- Corey invited us. We're his hockey friends." Rhys explained all the while searching for my eyes which I'd hidden away from view by looking at the floor.
"Ah I see." George smiled, but it felt misplaced. Could he sense the history lingering between me and these boys? "You enjoy the quiz?"
"Yeah yeah..." Rhys said shrugging. "Good banter and all. What about you Cass?"
George tensed ever so slightly next to me. It was so small and subtle he probably didn't want me to notice. But I did.
"Yeah. I enjoyed it thanks." I said, looking up for the first time and trying to be strong. I took in a deep breath and nudged myself closer to George so I was half on his lap. I took a long sip of coke and slipped my hand into George's that happened to be lying on the table.
Both lads flicked their gaze upon our contact and I think finally an understanding passed through them. Dave, I knew, had never had any feelings for me, but I had always felt that Rhys might have, even if he never voiced them.
"You two look good together." Rhys commented, coughing a little and then offering me a smile. "Now I understand why you'd gone off the radar for so long."
That felt like my secret was being placed smack bang on the table for everyone to see. Did Dave and Rhys know that they'd both been my hookups? Did they talk about it? Did they ask anyone else? Did everyone else at school know-
"I've been stealing her away from everyone." George lied. "I'm a selfish man what can I say?" He tugged on my waist and brushed that same piece of unruly hair behind my ear.
Rhys went to open his mouth again but the quiz master began speaking explaining that the results were in and if we could take our seats. I gave him a weak, embarrassed smile and he returned it, walking back over to his table. He sat down beside a short girl with pastel-pink hair and immediately put his arm around her and kissed her forehead.
So he'd finally found a girlfriend. Well I was happy for him. I'd thought that he'd come over to our table to confront me about our ended sexual relationship, and perhaps to embarrass me further by bringing Dave with him. But in actual fact, he seemed to have had only good intentions, and was just offering a friendly hello.
George's arms relaxed around me and I instinctively reached for the half of my beer I hadn't yet drunk.
"No no no." George chuckled beside me and took it from my hands and held it above his head. "I knew you were gonna do that."
I pouted. "George, I wanted to finish that."
By this point Corey and Oscar had joined us, bringing in with them a waft of sweet tobacco smoke.
"You have to gimme a kiss first." He bargained with a naughty smirk.
I rolled my eyes, trying to repress my own smirk. Quickly, I leaned forward and pressed my lips heavily against his, catching his lips in between mine. Bliss.
Pure bliss. A blank canvas. George.
The feeling.
"Ewwwwww!!!" Corey squealed and I pulled back laughing. Rightfully, I took the beer out of George's hands and reclaimed it as my own.
George leaned forwards and tucked his head over my shoulder, breathing in my scent.
"We shall continue that later." He whispered among my hair and squeezed my waist playfully. I grinned and sipped my beer.
Each team's score was announced and in the end our team came second. Corey and Oscar insisted that George go up and collect the prize since he'd contributed the most correct answers.
He came and sat back down and flashed an envelope containing the prize of dinner at a local Michelin restaurant.
"Wanna go on a date?" He asked me gently, his voice all smouldering and husky.
"Depends." I hummed, resting my hand on the top of his thigh. "Dinner for two? Nothing special really." I mocked.
He leaned back and sucked in a short breath. He'd recently gotten his hair cut, but it was long enough still for an unruly piece to fall down into his eyes. I watched his mouth twitch.
"I'm sure I can arrange something special... maybe after dinner..." He purred quietly.
"Bloody hell you two need to go home and fuck all this sexual energy out of your systems." Oscar noted laughing boisterously.
I hadn't even noticed that they'd both been listening in to our conversation.
Blushing furiously, I hid my face in my hands and couldn't help a few giggles slip out of my lips.
"Oscar, I think you're onto something." George agreed seriously and took my hand. "Come on sweetheart, time to go home."
My mouth popped open and I spluttered a laugh as he dragged me out of the booth.
"Thanks for inviting me Corey! It was lovely to meet you Oscar!" I cheered as George pulled me giddily out of the pub and towards my car.
"You're gonna have to drive I've had two pints. My house tonight." He instructed huskily and I hastily took my seat and drove us home as fast as was safely possible.
The anticipation sat between my legs and hammered away at my chest.
As soon as I so much as touched the hand brake, George was out of his seat and running around to my side and hoisting me over his shoulder.
"Jesus Christ George what is your mum gonna think?" I spluttered, but his warm hands clung onto the backs of my thighs tighter.
"She's not home." He explained. "We have the whole house to ourselves."
We could make as much noise as we wanted. I pulled my lip in my mouth and bit down.
"I like the sound of that..." I mumbled softly.
After fiddling frustratedly with the front door key, which led to several giggles from my part, George carried me inside into the warmth and immediately beelined for the sofa in his lounge, clearly too eager to wait to be in his bedroom.
He lay me down on the sofa and pulled my legs so they were around his waist and his were kneeling on the sofa.
"Take it off." He breathed and lifted his eyebrows.
I slowly, ever so slowly, unbuttoned the shirt until I was left in my white lace bralette.
"You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen."
"Kiss me please."
Complying with my request, he leaned down and sunk his weight heavily onto me, meeting my lips with feverish greed. I loved these foreplay kisses. They were hot and uncalculated, his tongue pressing against mine as if tasting every flavour of me. It was the only time I felt George ever really let loose.
Too soon, he pulled away. "I need to go get something, stay here and take your jeans off."
Confused, I sat up on my elbows and felt an emptiness settle over me as his body climbed off me. As he practically ran out of my sight upstairs, I pressed my fingers against my warm and swollen lips.
Swinging my legs around on the sofa, I tugged my jeans off and looked down at my naked thighs. The skin was tighter and creamy, I put my hands on them and felt the softness of my skin.
It was crazy how much weight one could regain just through two weeks of eating. I felt like myself again. I smoothed my hands up my thighs onto my hips and stomach, feeling the wonderful sensation of fullness there.
I'd always been very slim, and it was a combination of high metabolism and running that kept my body in that shape, but depression had made me horribly skinny. Unnaturally so.
Now, the little feminine pouch of insulation around my lower stomach and on my thighs had reinstated itself and I smiled looking down at my normal body.
"I think I could watch you touching yourself like that all day."
I jumped briefly and lifted my smiling head.
"I've gained weight." I said and felt my eyes water. "I'm so happy."
I hadn't said words like those in a long, long time.
"I know." George agreed and knelt in between my legs on the floor. "I'm proud of you. It wasn't easy to do that."
Heat rose up my body and I looked down at the man in front of me. He was so gorgeous, and so kind, and so unbelievably supportive. It was like he'd been an angel in a past life.
"Can we try something tonight?" I asked hesitantly. "Gemma and I discussed this in our session this week."
"What is it?"
I pursed my lips.
"You're not going to like it." I stated.
"Just tell me baby."
Sighing, I took a deep breath of courage. "I talked to her about the issue we had the other week... in the bath. And we talked about what happened on Christmas Eve and she suggested maybe we try reenacting the position so that I create a positive association with it than a negative one."
He was on his feet immediately.
"You mean reenact the rape?" He growled. "Are you insane?"
"No! Not reenact it. Just have sex in the same position." I calmed him, standing up and taking his hands between mine. I kept my eyes wide open as I said the next part, to avoid slipping into dark memories. "The point is that I didn't feel safe with him, I didn't trust him, but I trust you. And so if we do it in the same way, it means I won't associate that position with danger anymore because memories with you will have replaced it."
"I really don't like this."
"I know, I know." I whispered sullenly. "I just don't want any more problems to develop in our sex life because of me. I want us to be able to have sex however we want, whenever we want, without my PTSD ruining the moment."
He pulled me into his embrace, and I welcomed it, tucking my head against his hard chest and breathing in deeply.
"If we try this... and it goes terribly, terribly, wrong... I don't know what I'll do. I hate seeing you in pain. I hate watching you have a panic attack." He said, choking ever so slightly on the words.
"I know." I repeated and hugged him tighter. "I can't promise it won't happen but I want to try at least."
Pulling me back from him, he nodded, annoyed, and took my hand, leading me up the hanging staircase into his bedroom. It felt safer and more intimate this way.
"You're going to have to direct me on this one Cass." George said apprehensively and sighed, rubbing his temples.
Clearly this was not how he'd envisioned this night to go.
But to me it was better to try and fail than live in fear.
"Okay."
He slowly took off his jeans and T-shirt, and I stripped out of my bra.
He watched me with curious, expectant eyes. I dropped my panties and turned around, climbing onto the bed on all fours and pressed my chest into the bed.
If it had been any other contextual circumstance, this was would have been pretty damn hot.
But the reality was that in this vulnerable position I'd been horribly assaulted and even just the blindness being face down into the covers made me shake all over.
"Cass?"
"It's fine, please just come over." I whispered, feigning confidence. I needed this to go well for us. "Can you kneel behind me?"
He must have heard the quiver running through my mouth because he did as I asked but leaned over my body so that his scent clouded my senses. This automatically reassured me.
"Jesus Cass, you've got to at least let me get you wet first."
I felt fingers come round my front and slide down the centre line of my body, stopping briefly before stopping just at the apex of my thighs. In my subconscious, I could feel a needy red want growing there, anticipating his touch, but it was almost forgotten as I stared along the side of the bed just as I'd been forced to do only a few months ago.
"Sweetheart... I really think we need a safe word or something if we're going to try this."
Nodding into the covers, I muttered. "Rebecca?"
Muffled, I heard him chortle in disbelief. "Another woman's name?" He joked, but I nodded anyway. My book was on the side table and it just happened to be the first thing in my line of vision. "Okay. Good."
I felt his lips kiss up my spine until they were around my neck and his full body pressed over me. His fingers travelled over my clit, where a sensational warmth rushed through me. I sighed heavily.
"Feel good?"
I hummed contentedly, despite a quiver in my voice. "Yes. But can you just do it now."
His fingers stopped and I felt him still. I really didn't think he was happy about this.
Kindness and attention to my pleasure wasn't how it had gone. I turned my face so it was pressing into the bed, restricting my breathing. I held in my breath, and tried focusing all of my energy on the heat that seeped through my body, rather than the image of Josh's face in the darkness.
I began to feel myself climbing to a climax, and though I couldn't really breathe into the covers, I held my face there, deciding only to move it if I saw spots.
"George." I muttered. "We need to do it."
I wanted him to fuck me as quickly as possible so the whole thing was over before it even started.
"Cass I really don't like this. I want to get you off first at least." He said from behind me.
Breathing out heavily, frustratedly, I clenched my fists.
"Okay fine."
His fingers started circling around me again but though it was building I couldn't come. I tried to let go but Josh was all I could see and even though I knew it was George's fingers and not his, I couldn't bring myself to let go.
It was perhaps too much. Maybe George had been right, it was too soon to try this. I shifted myself so my head was resting sideways on the bed this time, breathing becoming easier. Doing this meant I could see George's hand around my waist and could focus more on his intoxicating smell rather than visions of Christmas Eve.
"Let go Cassie."
My thighs tightened at his words, and I tried to oblige, trying so hard to not tense my entire body, but it was hard.
"I can't." I whispered, choking as water filled my eyes. "Just keep going for a bit longer."
"Stay still." He commanded gently, and I felt him shift his body ever so slightly, reaching for something on the bed. "This might help."
I heard a vibration, and my insides went paradoxically gooey and anxious all at the same time. I'd forgotten he'd suggested this idea way back when.
As the small cold object touched me I flinched immediately.
"Stay still." He reassured, and ran his hand softly down the length of my spine.
Doing as I was told, I stayed still and hissed as the almost therapeutic vibration sat between my thighs.
"Feeling okay?"
"Yes."
He removed his body weight from me and rested his pelvis against my arse, keeping the vibrator firmly in place.
I could feel the building happening again, but it was all strange. It was strange not looking at George while it happened.
Josh's face loomed in my vision and I reached my hand around for George to hold. He held my wrist in his warm hands and rubbed tiny little circles on my skin.
It was enough to calm my breathing.
I didn't think I'd be able to come, no matter how hard George was trying.
"George, can you please just...?"
As soon as I said the words he stilled, turned off the vibrator and put it aside on the bed.
"Cassie..." I couldn't see his face but his tone was enough to make me realise how much he didn't want this.
But it was necessary.
"Just do it."
Huffing, he reached for a condom from his drawer - which we'd never used thus far - and put it on.
I felt his body shake as pressed his erection against me.
"Remember Rebecca?"
"Yes."
His hands sat on either side of my arse and he seemed to be dealing with an inner conflict because he went to go for it and then stopped himself multiple times.
So that I was truly confronting the incident, I placed both my arms behind me and gestured for him to take my wrists in his clasp.
"Can you put your hands around my neck."
"Cass-"
"Just do it." I clipped. "Please. I don't want to live in fear anymore."
I heard him sigh frustratedly but nonetheless hold my wrists together with one hand and my neck with the other. I tested the feel of his hands. Yes. Warm. Definitely George.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Quickly, he pushed himself inside me and I didn't even wince. He pumped in and out and as he did I tried my best to breathe five in and five out.
I could tell he wanted this over quickly.
For the time being I was feeling okay. Images of Josh were fading from my mind. But I wasn't exactly turned on either.
Within a couple minutes he finished and gently pulled out of me, let go of my wrists and immediately went to his bathroom.
The door was slammed shut and I heard the lock turn.
Fuck.
It dawned on me that he probably hated doing that, more than I thought at least, and that I'd forced him to do something he didn't want, even when he'd told me so. I lay on the bed and pulled on his abandoned tshirt.
I heard the shower turn on and I felt the urge to cry. I felt like a monster.
Embarrassment and shame filled me from the inside out.
I swung my legs around the side of the bed and found my underwear and quickly slipped it on. My jeans were on the floor as well, and so I put those on too, tucking George's much larger tshirt into them.
I still stood by my idea to do this, but I regretted the timing and not having consulted George prior to asking him. I needed to make it up to him.
Trotting downstairs glumly, fighting back tears, I made my way to the kitchen and pulled out two mugs and after rummaging around the cupboards for hot chocolate powder, I eventually found all the ingredients I needed.
There were potatoes in the fridge as well as tomatoes and some chicken breasts.
Well. Looks like I was cooking.
Though I wasn't a good cook by a long shot, I'd learned enough from Harry over the years to know the basics.
Twenty minutes later I had crispy breakfast potatoes and chicken in a Mediterranean tomato sauce.
Anything seems easy when you're trying hard to impress.
I sat on the breakfast bar with my plate of food in front of me, twirling my fork in and out of the potatoes dotted on the plate.
Eat Cassie, eat.
It didn't feel right to eat when George wasn't here with me. It wasn't that I couldn't eat by myself, it was just that I didn't want to have a full stomach and an unresolved mind.
"I hope you're going to eat that."
I looked up and George was taking a seat in front of me.
"I was just waiting for you." I lied. "I'll get your plate."
Avoiding his eyes, I grabbed some oven gloves and took his dinner out from the oven.
"Thank you." He said curtly and slowly picked up his fork, as if deciding whether he actually had an appetite or not.
Forcing myself to eat, despite the anxiety rolling around in my stomach, we both ate in silence until both plates were clean.
The meal sat uncomfortably in my belly and I could feel it leap and crawl through my digestion like a lizard.
"George..." I began. "I'm so sorry."
Dropping his fork, he leaned back and placed his hands on his thighs, languidly drawing his eyes up to look at me.
The only emotion I could read on his face was disappointment.
"I know why you suggested we do that..." He said slowly. "But I never want to do that again. Not in that way at least."
"I'm sorry." I sighed and felt a tear roll down my face. "I don't know why I suggested it tonight when we were having such a good night. I think I just didn't want to ruin another attempt at having sex... but I ruined it anyway."
"Ruin is a bit strong." He corrected and offered me a forced smile. "After all the night isn't over yet. It's just... can you understand how that made me feel?"
My eyebrows pulled together. I didn't really have an answer. Reading people had never been my strong suit.
"Submissive?"
"No. Not at all. It's more the opposite." He explained, leaning into the breakfast bar with his elbows. "The image of what Josh did to you has been plaguing my imagination for the best part of four months, and you asked me to essentially perform the way he did."
I released a little gasp under my breath and winced.
"And the whole time I was thinking to myself, 'don't worry, you won't be able to come' because surely re-enacting such a horrible thing will turn me off so much that my body won't function in that way. But it did. And that's the worse part."
Another tear fell down my face and I watched as George took an uneasy breath in and held his chest.
"I totally understand why you weren't able to come. Because of the trauma associated with the position, with the way I held you... but then for me to-"
Nodding over and over again, I tried to apologise but George pushed my attempts away.
"It's not your fault. I know it isn't." He said hoarsely. "This was a way for you to confront the trauma and Gemma suggested it to you. But I just didn't expect it to make me feel like... I don't know... like a predator."
"George... you're the furthest thing from a predator." I croaked. "If anything I'm the predator. I preyed on your kindness for my own selfish benefits and put you in a position I knew you didn't want to be in."
We were both silent for a few minutes, contemplating everything each of us had said. I hadn't thought about how George would feel about the whole sexual experience. I'd been sleeping with guys so long I just assumed as long as they had an opportunity for a shag they didn't really care how it happened.
But in a relationship I suppose it was different.
"It's hardly a selfish wish to want to get over PTSD."
I shrugged. "Maybe it is if it's compromising your happiness."
He sighed and his big blue eyes seemed to have calmed into a peaceful dark ocean. There was barely a rumble of a wave anymore.
"Can I have a hug please."
I walked over at his request and tucked myself in his arms, letting him absorb comfort out of me.
My hands greedily found his hair, and I held his head close to me so that he could hear my heart beating fast.
"Maybe I should go home." I whispered, the feeling of shame still present.
"No." He said. "Can we just... can we just talk like we used to? We haven't done that in a while."
By that he meant before Christmas. When we were friends teetering on the borders of romance and when everything felt complicated but was retrospectively simpler.
I did miss him in that way. The moments when we were first discovering each other. The curiosity and the enticement of emotional and sexual attraction.
It wasn't that it had gone, it was just that things were different now. Depression had taken over my life, and George's, and when I wasn't trying to not to slip into a path of dangerous thoughts both of us were studying, exercising, or sleeping.
It was as if all the basics of life, including eating, now required ten times more energy.
None of this, though, I'd trade for what had happened before. The rape at Christmas was horrible, but I was trying to not let my life be determined by it, and the fact that it had happened meant I was seeking healing for previous years of trauma that I'd contained unsuccessfully.
"I'd love that." I said quietly. "I miss it too."
George pulled back from my body and held my upper half away from him so he could look me carefully in the eye.
"You know... I think we've gotten so caught up in being carers for each other," well for me, "and finally wanting to be lovers that we maybe lost our awesome connection and friendship, which was what I loved about us most." Me too. "And I'm not saying no sex... And I'm not saying no to trying out whatever tonight was again, but next time it's on my terms. I will conduct what happens."
Nodding in agreement, I peered down at his warm smile and gaze of reflection that he'd lost over the last few months. When I'd first met him he'd always seemed both intensely present and simultaneously reflective and distant. But since the incident, he'd been running on pure adrenaline and virtually no sleep.
No wonder he was emotionally exhausted.
"It's dark out but I know a footpath around my house. Shall we go for a walk?"