"James Dawson, please report to the principal's office. James Dawson, to the principal's office."
I know, I know. I'm coming, I said in my head as the intercom went off again, and I made my way down the stairs. Staring straight ahead, I could feel eyes wandering over towards me as other kids roamed the halls, skipping out of their classes or on their spares. But I didn't pay attention to them, I wasn't fully there, in the moment. My head and mind was somewhere else, completely in a fog. I couldn't sort things out, I couldn't understand anything that was happening. It felt as if things were just going on too fast today, and I needed to hit the rewind and slow down button immediately. But I couldn't, unfortunately. And the more the day went on, the faster things seemed to go.
My heart was racing the closer I got to the office, and I began to see the door as I followed the staircase to the main floor. My palms were sweating, everything tensed up as I approached the location, and all I wanted to do was turn around and run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. I felt a rush, and I wanted to bolt. But I couldn't do that.
Why not? It's not like anyone is watching you. Just run. Go, right now, before anyone does see you.
But I decided it wasn't such a good idea. I would have to come back to school eventually, and I would have to talk to the principal as well. I would have to see my friends again, and would have to speak to them. But why was I needed in the principal's office? What did he want to speak to me about? Why did he want to speak to my friends and I? Is it about Jordan? It has to be, right? What are the chances it doesn't have to do with him, just after he announces that, that huge piece of news earlier.
A jerking sensation crossed over me when Jordan's face popped back into my head, and the slight realization began to emerge that I would never see him again. That would be the only time from now on; in my head, in my mind. Stuck in there, that's where he would live now. But isn't that where he always lived? Or didn't he just move in there, a few weeks ago? After that incident, he was always just, there, from then on out. It's nothing new, right? He's been living up there for weeks on end now. That's not new.
A painful sensation washed over me with that realization, and I tried to push away a memory I felt coming on. I got that tingling feeling, that cold, hot and panicky sensation for a moment, the kind I always received when I felt a flashback coming on. Or just a slight memory or thought from weeks back, back in the locker room. That horrible, terrible place. That place that made me different, in an awful way. I bit my tongue with that thought, trying to get my mind on something else, trying to forget the past. But that never seemed to work for me.
As I entered the large, main area of the school, near the front doors and entrance, I finally realized where all the cops were. Lines and rows of them seemed to be stationed in the halls, close to the doors as they watched students go by, and others just stood around talking, whispering. I felt a sheet of terror cross my face as I froze, my eyes widening. I was nervous again, well, turning more nervous as I saw them. I felt frozen, but I realized after a moment I was still moving, but very slowly. Scanning the crowd of officers, my eyes didn't land on any recognizable, therefore I didn't see Officer Walker or Andrews. Just with that I calmed a bit, but not much. You could say the officers were intimidating, very, even if you didn't do anything wrong.
But did you do something wrong? Didn't you? Months ago? Weeks ago? Or even, days, ago? Aren't you guilty of something? Of more than one thing? Are they all here for you?
I felt a shutter of fear run up my spine. If I wasn't scared before, I sure was now. That bad side of my mind got ahold of the better, and all my scariest thoughts took over. I couldn't control them, they rambled on and on. However it seemed for the past few weeks the bad side of my brain had been the only one in charge, as if muting or even killing the good side all together. The good side which always said how things would get better for me, how I was worth much more than what I thought I was. How my pain wouldn't last, it would go away eventually, and I would be happy again, like I used to be. Although for awhile now, it seemed I had stopped hearing from that part of my mind, as only the bad thoughts remained. The bad thoughts, saying how worthless I was. How broken, how ruined, all by what happened in the locker room. How things would never get better, and I would always be stuck with this pain. This pain, that Jordan had inflicted upon me.
Stop. Stop thinking about that. Just stop.
But how can I? It's always there. Always. It never goes away. Sure, maybe I can get my mind on other things a bit now, but the memories and reminders are always there. They are always there, waiting for me. Waiting for my mind to be blank, and then they show up. Pop up, like an unwanted relative or guest. I can never escape. I can never get away from them. Even with Jordan now gone, gone for good, they will not leave me alone. They are stuck in there. Forever.
I still couldn't get over that fact as I said it in my head once again. Jordan. Gone. Gone forever. Never coming back. It didn't feel real still. But would it ever?
I eventually made it to the office, even with how slow I was going, but I did make it there. One of the ladies, the secretaries looked up at me the moment I walked in, my movement catching her eye. Her face seemed zoned out, as if she was in a daze as well; it seemed everyone had the same reaction on this day. No one could believe the news. A star athlete, one of the most popular kids in this school. A kid every teacher knew about, a kid every student knew about; he was found dead last night. Declared dead. How could that happen? How could a kid like Jordan Adamson, be dead? How could he die? Kids like him had it good, didn't they? They don't die, right?
Well, he didn't have a good life. That I knew, and I was the only one who knew the extent of that. Sure, some of the guys like Troy, Ethan and Daniel knew how his father didn't give many shits about him, but they didn't know the half of it, not really. No one else knew about his home life, maybe some of his other friends from other schools. But to his teammates on the hockey team, and other kids in school and the teachers, they all thought he just had it good, right? Had a good life. Maybe it was the fact that he was an athlete and the popular kid that made them all think that. After all, many of the popular athletes had lives like that, perfect ones, right? Or maybe that's just what everyone thinks, and maybe they don't have it as good as everyone believes. As good as they portray, like Jordan; he was real good at putting on a show, putting on that brave face and acting. Maybe that just goes to show that we don't know what's going on in everyone's lives. Not really.
"James, you can go right into Mr. Hawkins office," the secretary with short brown hair said, pointing to the side towards all the offices. Nodding, I began to turn my direction to the side, and headed towards the dark hall. The one that always seemed to have lights burnt out, and they never bothered to replace them. But it didn't matter to me, I could still see fine.
Taking a few deep breaths, I slowed my pace again, trying to take as much time as possible. This route had become familiar to me already, as I had travelled down this hall on more than one occasion in the past few days. I had walked down this hall more times in these past few days than I had in my almost four years of attending this school.
Mr. Hawkins door was closed, like usual. But almost on cue, the door was pulled open as I was about to knock, and the bright light from the window entered my eyes as I squinted. It wasn't blinding as no sunlight spread amongst the sky, only gloomy and dull skies. Troy brushed past me in a rush as I stood there in the doorway awkwardly, stunned in a way as I was caught off guard. A hand over his mouth, he looked completely sheet white, like I did earlier when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror. He didn't look well at all as he booked it out of the office.
"Hey? What's.....what's going on?" I asked, more in general although I yelled over to him down the hall.
"I think.....I think I'm gonna be sick," he said, stuttering in his hand as his voice sounded shaky, and he flew through the office door.
Turning back towards the room, Ethan and Daniel looked straight to the floor, all in a fog as they looked white as well. They didn't look so good either, as if one of them was about to hurl too. They sat on the opposite side of Mr. Hawkins desk, where he sat behind, and he didn't look good either.
"Come on in James. Take a seat please," a different voice that didn't belong to my friends or Principal Hawkins suddenly emerged, and I was thrown off guard. Entering the room slowly, my sight opened up as I got to see further into the room, and realized why I didn't see Officer Walker or Andrews out there with the rest of the officers; they were in here with us. Swallowing hard, I looked at them as their faces appeared different than when I saw them last, while sadness was written across. Sadness, grief, and sorrow. They looked sympathetic, their eyes droopy as they frowned, as if trying to be sympathetic for us, Jordan's best friends.
I took a seat in my usual spot, close to the window, on the very left of my friends. I was just starting to get out of my fog it seemed as my friends were still in theirs, and I became more aware of what was going on around me suddenly. I payed attention more, although I still wasn't fully here. My mind was still very much on my thoughts, my feelings, and the occurrences that happened in the past. One in particular, actually.
Stop. I told you already. I won't say it again. Stop thinking about that. It's over, it happened weeks ago. It's done, and with Jordan now gone, it's over for good now. He was the only one who knew about it other than you. So with him out of the picture, no one will ever know now. No one ever has to find out. So stop thinking about it. Let it go, let it go in the past. Let it be forgotten.
But how can I forget something that caused me so much pain? That still causes me so much pain? And hurt, anger and confusion? So much guilt and shame? How can I just leave that in the past and move on? How is that even possible?
"What's......what's going on? Why do you want to speak to us again?" I asked, although I realized what they wanted to talk about. I'm not too sure why I asked that in the first place, it wasn't like I had no clue about what was going on at all. I wasn't that oblivious.
"I'm assuming you've heard the news," Officer Walker spoke first, exhaling before he went on. I paused for a moment, nodding my head as I didn't want to speak at first.
"Yeah. I think everyone has," I said, beginning to zone out like my friends had. Although it seemed I was still the only one activity engaging with the officers, as if I was the only one in the room. My friends and the principal still sat there in a daze, staring off ahead of them while Troy was still gone.
"Then you know, that Jordan was found dead last night."
"Declared dead."
"Declared dead."
"Found dead." The voice kept repeating in my head.
I nodded at the officers, taking a deep breath before I exhaled it out, and more nerves began to inch up inside of me.
"So, you want to talk to us about, what? How he died? Or something like that?" I asked, trying to narrow down the reasons, and they both stared at each other before answering me.
"Before you showed up, we told the others what we found last night," Officer Andrews explained, his hands in his pockets as he leaned against one of the desks in the room, to the right of Mr. Hawkins desk. I froze for a moment, stunned, and I held my breath. They found something. Found, something. Near his body? What did they find? Did they find, the, thing? That, thing, I saw that night? The, thing, that Jordan had? That he wanted to give me?
I froze, my eyes frozen onto the officers as I felt them widen. I held my breath, I hadn't even realized it at first, and my heart raced faster and faster while I waited for them to speak.
"What......w-what did you f-find?"
"Jordan's body was found around midnight by an anonymous source. He was near the old railroad tracks, the ones that run in the woods, behind Troy's house," Officer Walker said, informing, while I finally let my breath out once they revealed what they had found. I was relieved in a way, relieved it wasn't what I thought it was, and I tried to breathe again. Although just from that information, I wasn't completely calm and settled, while a bad feeling still spun around inside of me. A large lump crept into the back of my throat, and it refused to go away.
He was found by the tracks. Our tracks, our hang out spot.
I was stunned by the realization, and I felt myself sink into that fog everyone else in the room was in.
"The tracks aren't used much anymore, they are mostly abandon. But every now and again there is an odd train that will run on them, and we checked out the train schedules around here. One passed by on the night of November 3rd, the night of your guys' opening hockey game," Officer Andrews spoke this time, and I fell into a deeper fog the further they went on. I began to feel numb, I was in shock, and I started to feel a type of odd sensation. I couldn't process what had happened, what I was hearing. But at the same time I could, I could understand it all. I was more in shock from them telling me all of this, telling me what they found out. Not from the actual information itself, but the fact that they knew everything.
"We're still investigating of course, this is no longer a missing persons case. But, at the moment we are still looking at everything around the tracks, looking for any possible evidence as to what happened that night."
"What do you mean what happened? You know what happened, he was killed. He died on those tracks."
"Yes, but we're trying to figure out if this was.....well.....a suicide, or, a possible murder."
**
"Meet me by the tracks afterwards. There's something I have to tell you. Something......I have to give you. It's important. Please, James."
**
I didn't speak, I continued to stay frozen. And as memories and flashbacks began to replay in my head, all from a certain night only days ago, I only remained frozen some more. My breath sped up, my heart did as well, and those cold and hot flashes began to wash over me. Suddenly I wasn't here any longer, in the office with the rest of the group. I was back to that night, that night of November 3rd. That dreadful night, back at the game.
***
I exited the bathroom as I slung my bag over my shoulder, and the weight held me down. The first few moments leaving the washroom I was nervous, I felt those anxious jitters run throughout me, and I constantly looked around myself, very much aware of my surroundings. But I mostly looked for one person in particular, making sure he wasn't around to spot me. I became very aware of what was going on and who was near me when I walked out of the bathrooms and change rooms from now on, although I used the bathrooms more than the locker room now. I couldn't go in there, not after what happened.
I was scared to enter the bathroom or leave it, feeling vulnerable, as if there was someone waiting for me in there, or waiting for me outside. Those split few seconds entering or leaving I felt my heart race fast, and I looked all around myself. And when I realized the coast was clear, I began to settle down a bit. That was the routine every time.
Other members of the other team past by me at the end of our game, as well as my own teammates. I could instantly tell who was on my team, as their faces looked familiar, but also by the grins on their faces, and the fact that they kept high-fiving one another. We had won our first game of the season, and it felt great honestly. Every win felt great, but it was the fact that it was my first year as captain of the team, and I felt as if I had led them in a way. Not that I'm taking all the credit, the guys we had on the team this year were great. But it felt even better since I was captain. I don't know how to explain it, I was just in a good mood overall. Well, sort of a good mood.
"Hey Dawson! Good game man!" one of the guys on the team, Toby Browning shouted as him and his friends passed by, high-fiving me as well while I flashed a smile.
"You too! You weren't so bad yourself! I was surprised, since I thought you were gonna be the weakest link on the team this year!" I shouted back and joked around, and he instantly shoved my arm while his friends laughed it up.
"Oh fuck off! If I'm being honest, I thought we were gonna be in trouble, with you as the captain and all this year! You haven't had a great track record the past few years!"
"Hey, you just shut up or you'll be benched next game!" The two of us laughed and joked around as we kept goofing off, while him and his friends and I started walking towards the doors.
"Hey James! Wait up man!" a few familiar voices echoed in the hall behind me, which caused me to turn around. Troy began to jog up behind me as Ethan and Daniel followed, all with large smiles spread across their faces.
"Hey, I'll catch you guys at school tomorrow," I called to Toby and his friends, turning away from my friends for a few moments.
"Aren't you going to the party tonight? The one at Troy's?" Toby asked as him and his friends stopped for a moment, shouting back to me. I was stuck in the moment for a minute, not too sure what to say. What party?
"Yeah, he'll be there," Troy yelled back at the other guys as he waved them on, smiling once more. Toby and his two other friends caught on as they also waved, smiling back before heading out.
"Alright, I'll see you guys there!" he said before leaving, and disappearing out the doors. I turned towards Troy and the others after Toby left, still confused as I felt kept in the dark or something.
"What party?"
"Well, if you didn't change in the bathroom, you would have heard about the party I'm throwing in honour of our first win of the season," Troy said, explaining to me as the four of us began to head towards the doors as well, all in a slow pace. The three other guys joked about that, although I stayed silent, tensing up as he called me out.
"Yeah, what's up with that anyways? Why don't you ever come into the locker rooms with us anymore?" Ethan asked, although more in a joking way rather than being serious. I shrugged, not sure what to tell them as I just wanted to rush away, get out of this situation. But I knew if I did that it would only bring up more questions for them to ask, and that was the last thing I wanted, or needed.
"So, this party, are we going straight to your place?" I asked, completely changing the subject and not acknowledging Ethan's question at all, as I turned towards Troy.
"Yeah, I'm going straight home to set up. It's B.Y.O.B, so everyone's stopping by the vendor on their way to my place," Troy explained, dropping the previous topic completely as well while they didn't bring it up again, and I was more than happy with that. If I was being honest, I wasn't in much of a mood for a party, but I knew if I didn't show up my friends would think something was off, and the last thing I needed were my friends worried about me or asking questions. I had to act as normal as possible, even if I wasn't feeling myself lately. For the past few weeks actually, everything just seemed off in my life. Especially with my friends. Or, one friend, in particular.
"Tonight's gonna be lit! I plan on getting shitfaced!"
"Seriously? On a school night?" I asked, and Daniel seemed to completely take my question as a joke.
"Excuse me, Mom," he said in a mocking tone, raising his hands in a defensive way as the other guys laughed along with him, and I joined in after a few moments.
Getting closer towards the door, I began to get my keys out of my bag, the ones my dad had given me. My parents didn't show up to my game today, for they had some type of meeting for work that they had to attend. Even though they had been off for the past few weeks because of the flooding situation, they still had to go to the mandatory meetings. However they didn't exactly have to be there, as they were allowed to just Skype through the entire meeting, without having to leave the house at all. That way, it worked out better for all of us. Instead of me trying to hitch a ride from someone else to the game, I could just take the car myself. I wasn't too worried that my parents didn't make it to this game, they always showed up for each one in the past, they could just come to the next one, I was fine with it.
Stepping out into the colder air, the street lights and posts remained on as the darkness filled the sky, and everyone exited the arena.
"Hurry up and get over to my place, Dawson!" Troy shouted as I walked in the opposite direction as him and the guys, while their cars were parked on the left side of the lot, and mine was on the right.
"Don't worry, I'll be there! I just need to drop the car off at home and then I'll be on my way!" I called back, waving to them as they did the same, and headed their own ways.
"Yeah, you better!" Daniel shouted as he walked away, laughing, and the other guys did as well.
Adjusting my bag on my shoulder, I headed towards the family car, further away from the building. Walking towards it now in the colder air around me, I realized I might have parked a bit too far, as I started to see the shade lighten up by the street light close by. About thirty feet away from it still, I held the dangling keys in my hand, although I kept my hands deep in my hockey jacket. Shrivelling my shoulders up to my neck, I tried to keep the cold away, although that didn't do much. It hadn't become that cold out yet, but the change between summer to fall seemed much colder than what it actually was. Probably because I was so used to the warm weather from the summer seasons, that anything below twenty degrees seemed chilly to me. For now, at least.
I clicked the unlock button on the keys as the headlights lit up, and I could hear the doors unlocking. Approaching it further, I looked forward to getting in and turning the heat on, I could feel it already.
"James?" a voice emerged from behind me suddenly, as I was caught off guard for a moment. Stunned, I stopped in my spot, freezing. I knew who was behind me before I even turned around. His raspy voice was so recognizable, even his presence I could sense. A sick feeling rose inside me, and my stomach began to turn. I just wanted to get in my car, lock the doors and leave as fast as I could. But I couldn't do that, I felt frozen in my spot still.
"James? Can you just talk to me?" the voice spoke up again, and I felt myself tense up. I clenched my jaw, held onto the strap of my bag tightly as my fingernails bit into the palm of my hands, but I hardly noticed the pain.
Slowly, I turned around, facing the person who was speaking to me, and I tried to hide the hurt on my face. It was Jordan, standing feet away from me, with an upset look on his face. What was he to be hurt by? Why did he look upset? He had no reason to be, he wasn't the victim here, he didn't get to play that part.
I didn't say a word to him, I didn't have any words to say.
"You played a good game today. You did real well. I think you truly are the best choice for captain," he said, smiling a bit in a nervous way, as if he didn't know what to say. And I just stared at him, feeling the slight bit of unbelievability. Was he serious? Good game? Really? What, so now he thought I was a good pick for captain? He didn't think that a few weeks ago.
A sudden jolt of pain hit inside me as that thought came up, and I felt that type of sadness wash all over me. The hurt became as strong as the anger I had at the moment, and I truly felt tears were about to sprit in my eyes.
Oh stop it. Don't cry, what kind of guy cries about this? Suck it up. Just suck it up already. Be a man, or whatever.
But I soon realized that voice in my head wasn't mine, but Jordan's saying all those things to me. His voice repeating in my head, as it said the very things he yelled at me weeks earlier, in the locker room.
I scoffed after a few moments, trying to take myself out of the past and into the present, being right here and now. Bringing myself back to what Jordan had said only moments earlier, and I shook my head.
"Seriously? Good game? That's all you have to say to me? We haven't spoken in....weeks, and that's all you have to say to me?" I asked still in disbelief, and kept on scoffing. But he didn't nervously laugh or anything like that, he stayed frozen this time, a type of upset look on his face, like he was hurt by what I was saying.
Hurt! Him, hurt?! No way! He can't be the one hurting! He was the one who did that to me! Does he not even realize that?
He kept quiet for a few moments, not too sure what to say.
"James...." he started again, taking a few steps towards me as I instantly shot myself into action, and began to back up quickly, while fear began to rise as well.
"Don't. Do not come near me," I said in a stern voice, flinching a bit as he began to step towards me, but I started to calm down once he stopped. He stopped in his tracks the moment I spoke, and that hurt and sorrow was written on his face even more. I hated to say it, but I felt sorry for him. Even a little bit, I did. I felt his pain that was written on his face, and the guilt, and sadness and sorrow. I knew what all of those felt like, I had been feeling them for a bit already. I felt for him as much as I didn't want to. He was my best friend after all, or he had been before. Does all of that just go away with this? With what happened? Do those years of friendship just go away? That, brotherhood, just go away? Or can we get over this? But how? Can I get over this? Maybe he can get over what he did, but can I? Is that possible? I don't know.
"James....." he started again but then paused, as if he didn't know what to say. As if he was trying to figure that out as he went, not trying to upset me. But at this point, he had already failed at doing that, just by standing here talking to me. "I.....I don't know what else to say except.......sorry. I am so, so fucking sorry. Sorry for it all. I didn't mean to—"
He was cut off suddenly as laughter emerged around us, and other kids exiting the hockey arena walked by us closely. Both our attentions were turned away from the conversation as he instantly stopped, as if scared and nervous that someone would hear what he was saying. Waiting till they passed on by, he looked back over towards me, talking in a quieter tone.
"Look, can we just talk somewhere else? Somewhere, private or something?" he asked in a more serious tone, his light eyes opening wider, as if in a sympathetic and hopeful way. And I only scoffed again, shaking my head.
"You.....you want me to meet you somewhere......alone.......out at night?" I asked, stunned, in disbelief again but also in a fearful tone, while my scary imagination ran away with me as I pictured every possible scenario.
"I know, I know how that must sound. But please James. I have to tell you something. I need to," he said, as if trying to get through to me, and I only stood there in confusion and fear. "Meet me by the tracks afterwards. There's something I have to tell you. Something......I have to give you. It's important. Please, James." he continued, looking all around him as if looking for any other people. And as I stood there in front of my car still, he gave me one more upsetting look, before he spun around and ran away, jogging over towards his own car on the other side of the lot, disappearing into the dark.
***
"James? James," my name was being called as I finally came out of my flashback, my heart racing and my face full of terror as I looked back towards Officer Walker, and I found myself breathing heavily.
"Hey, are you ok? What's going on? Is something wrong?" Officer Andrews asked after a few moments, the two of them weirdly worried as I peered up towards them, and I began to wonder what I really looked like. Did I really look that freaked out? Enough for them to look at me this worriedly?
I couldn't catch my breath as my mind reeled back in from the flashback, and I tried to get my thoughts in order. But I couldn't, and it was as if the officers knew what was on my mind in a way. Like I knew something that I wasn't telling. Well, of course they know that. They know there was something going on between you and Jordan, they saw all those letters he wrote to you. They saw the bruises on your arms, they have seen the way you have been acting the past few days, especially when they ask about the topic. They know there is something you aren't telling them, something huge.
But there is no point in telling them what happened. It will do no good. They can't do anything about it, it's not like they can throw Jordan in jail. There is nothing they can do to stop the pain you are in. If anything, it will just cause more pain if you tell them, then everyone will know. And if everyone knows, everyone is going to judge you, and they will be even more cruel towards you. They will make fun of you, of what happened to you. Those things aren't supposed to happen to boys. Everyone knows that. What are they going to think of you if they all find out what happened? What will your friends think? What will your parents think?
"Hey, James? Talk to us. What's going on?" Officer Walker asked again as I was drawn back to them, and suddenly I felt as if I couldn't get any air at all.
I felt trapped. Completely trapped, like there was nowhere for me to turn. I had nowhere to go, I had no idea what to do. What do I do with this secret? It's only been a few weeks since it happened, but it feels like so much like longer. What do I do? How do I deal with this? What do I do with all my pain and anger? I can't just keep pushing it down and bottling it up inside. It hurts so much. What do I do? I can't tell anyone though. So what the hell do I do?
"James?" someone said my name again, but I didn't pay attention as to who. My stomach felt sick with everything I was keeping in, and I wanted nothing more than to be released. Released from it all. Released from this school, from this room. Released from the secrets I had been hiding, from my lies. Released from my pain, my anger and hurt. I just wanted to be released from my life, but I had no idea how.
"James, talk to us. If there is something that you know, tell us."
"I think.......I think I'm the one that's gonna be sick this time," I finally said in a breathy voice, as I bolted up and out of the room, following behind Troy's suit from before. And as I dashed out of the room, Troy was just wandering back in in a daze, he didn't even seem to acknowledge me as I left. But I didn't acknowledge him all that much either, covering my mouth as I booked it out of the stuffy room and office, out in the main area once again.