Hiiii guys! It's 00:00 right now so it's officially the 18th of September. Y'all know what that means right? 😩🤭
It's my BIRTHDAY today. I'm officially 21😭😳💜🎉🎈. I honestly still feel the same. Nothing has changed. I could always drink (drinking age here starts at 18) so I don't know... It's still early though so I might feel different later on.
Also if you are currently reading my book Broken, there's an update on that one too.
Anyway I'd like to thank y'all so so much for sticking with me. It honestly means a lot especially since my updates inconsistent. I'm honestly trying but school is kicking my ass. I had four assignments due last week. Two of which were due on the same day and one was due (this) Monday. I had a lot on my plate but I worked extra hard to keep the tradition of updating this book on my birthday.
It's crazy today marks the fourth year of us celebrating my birthday together.
Stick with me here. We are so close to completing this book. I'd like to give you an estimate but I can't because of the 11 items I had to write about in this chapter. I only managed to write 5. So the rest will fall into the next chapter(s). But we are so close.
Anyway I'd like to thank Blessing_young for my previous and present cover.
And I'd like to wish ayeits_nanee
Happy Birthday🎂🎈🎊
Happy reading 😃.
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I feel someone gently shaking me forcing me to open my eyes. Confused I blink slowly and meet the eyes of the person who woke me up.
"Dad?" I say but it comes out more of a question than a statement. I touch my neck when I feel a slight pang in my throat.
"Why do you sound and look confused? Because you are in my office after all," he says regarding me with humour then straightens up on his perch on the coffee table when I sit up on the couch.
"You're not drunk or hungover are you?" he asks giving me a once over. "It's just a little past 11 a.m you can't -"
"No dad I'm not drunk. I just... I don't remember falling asleep. I was planning on surprising you but I guess the joke is on me," I said running my hands down my face. Feeling something wet and sticky against my hand I look down to see drool coated on my fingers.
"Seriously? Sawyer not only did you let me fall asleep but you let me drool too instead of just waking me up?" I turn to face Luke, who's seated by fathers desk, with a frown as I wipe the last bit of drool off my face.
"So you are saying is that, it's my fault that you were drooling? Drool that your body generated and came out of your mouth - and it's my fault, " Sawyer asked with a chuckle as he raised his eyebrows.
I kissed my teeth and turned back to my father.
"You were snoring too," Cooper adds with a smirk.
I gasped and met his eyes over my father's shoulder. "I do not snore!"
He mockingly raised his hands.
"Jokes really do write themselves," Reynolds muttered adding his two cents from his seat on the couch adjacent to my own. I glared at him.
"Yes you do. Loud too," Philippe said matter of factly.
I gasped. "Dad," I beckoned, for him to dispute the lies they were telling.
"You do snore and it's the cutest thing. Just as cute as your baby snores. It's good to know that some things don't change," dad sighed, his lips turning down at the corners but his eyes still wistful.
"Fine but the point that is, you and I mean all of you shouldn't have let me fall asleep."
"You can't be mad at us for letting you get a few minutes in. You looked really tire-"
"I don't care," I said cutting Reynolds off. "What if dad had walked in with somebody and they saw me?" I asked feeling mortified at the thought.
All the men wordlessly looked at one another as if deciding if they should tell me something or not.
"No," I chuckled thinking that they were just playing with me but the guilty look on dad's face says it all.
"No," I groaned covering my face with my hands. That's so embarrassing.
"Baby girl," Dad starts but I shake my head.
"I'd like to forget the past five minutes that we've spent talking about my snoring and drooling." I said with another shake of my head.
"Consider it wiped from my memory," he says nodding his head.
"Now are you going to give me a proper greeting," he asked with his arms wide open.
I lean forward into his open arms and accept his warm embrace with a smile.
"Hi daddy," I mumbled against his PECS as he kissed the top of my forehead.
"Hi my sweet sweet girl," he sighed giving me a slight squeeze then slowly let go and places his hand on my forehead.
"You feel a little hot," he says then leaned in a little to get a closer look at me.
"Tonsillitis," is all I say and it's enough to garner a sympathetic look.
"I tried to get you to take them out but you'd cry every time I brought it up or every time it looked like I was driving you to the hospital," he says with affection.
"I know and now I'm paying for it," I sighed.
"You could always have them tak-" he tries to suggest but I shake my head.
"Then you should be in bed resting baby girl," he says as concern coloured his eyes.
"I know I should be but I fly back on Sunday and I want to apologise and make amends with everybody before I leave," I explained playing nervously with my lip.
"You have nothing to apologise for," he says with conviction.
"But dad I know mom was mad at you that you kept my secret-"
"Exactly your secret. It wasn't mine to tell. She was mad at first but then she came around. She's one of the most understanding women I know,"
"So you and mom are okay?"
"Well we were until I forgot to wish her happy anniversary," he says with an eye roll and a slight shake of his head.
"But that's in October dad," I frowned.
"I know. I triple check every date in October to make sure I don't forget," he sighs. "She said today is the anniversary of when we first met."
"Dad you don't remember when you first met mom?" I covered my mouth with a giggle.
"I know I'd seen her a couple of times but I can't pin point exactly when we first met," he admits with a scratch of his head.
"A married man is only supposed to remember two dates his wedding anniversary and his wife's birthday. Now take a man who's married but has five kids and five grandkids," he says his eyes widening. "It's a lot," he adds running his hands over his face.
I hum as I turn his words over in my head.
"Dad you don't have five grandkids," I finally say.
"But I do."
"Nathan, Matthew, Nala, whatever name Nevaeh is going to give her kid," he says holding up a finger for each of his grandchildren. "And Willow," he adds making my heart clench as he held his hand up. "See? Five," he smiles.
I give him a teary eyed smile of my own.
"Thank you, dad."
I don't know what I'm thanking him for exactly but all I know is that the gesture touched me deeply. I didn't know I needed to hear that until he said it.
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Dad decides to get off work early to spend some time with me. We end up at the Audi car dealership after a quick trip to the ice cream store. As soon as we walked in a salesman practically ran over to greet us but dad politely waved him off and told him that he knew his way around cars and that he'd call him once he had made his decision.
We're looking for a car for Nevaeh. Dad doesn't think that a two door BMW m4, which she was gifted on her 18th birthday, would be suitable for a new mom. Something we both agree on.
I took another spoonful of ice cream and whistled lowly as I bent forward to get a better look at the white interior of the black Audit A6.
"This one's a beaut'," I say leaning in. I could be reckless and just drive off with her today or next week when she's armoured. I thought dreamily. But if I did, she'd be one of the many cars that I can look at but never allowed drive. I pout.
"How about this one dad?" I ask turning to look at him. He was a few cars over appraising the A4 before shaking his head and dismissing it.
He looks at it the car with a thoughtful look before dismissing it again. "I don't think that's going to be a good fit," he says sounding a bit frustrated and agitated.
"Let's take a look at the suvs," he suggests then leads the way.
I jog a little to catch up to him.
"You're taking this much better than I thought you would," I say casually.
Dad grunts.
"I'm trying baby girl that's all I'm doing. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I don't think I've fully processed that my little girl is going to have a little one of her own," he says as he passes the Q3 and stands by the Q5.
I nod my head in understanding.
"So how's everything with Christian?" dad asked way too innocently might I add.
I stuff a spoon full of ice cream into my mouth as I try to think of an answer.
"Tense."
"We had a big fight and I'd rather not talk about," just thinking about it made me upset.
Dad keeps quiet, waiting
"He's a dummy." My sweet thoughtful dummy who left before I woke. But left a whole care package in his wake filled with my favourite lotion, soap, deodorant, perfume, bath bombs, bubble bath. There was also I separate box of popsicles. Lots of them and a note that said to get well soon. It also had the time of our date, 18:30 on Monday and the place, Escala.
"One that loves you. That much I've seen."
I shrugged. I didn't want to talk about Christian. Although I missed him, he's still a sore subject right now.
My phone rings as dad waves over the salesman and points to Q5.
I hand my now empty cup to Reynolds as I dig in my purse for my phone.
I don't recognise the number. I decline the call and stuff it back in my purse.
It starts ringing again not even a minute later. I pull my phone out and declined the call yet again. It starts ringing again.
"I should probably take this, it might be important," I said excusing myself.
Irritated I answered the phone.
"Hello?"
"Miss King," a voice that I definitely did not want to hear again said. I instantly halted. I looked over my shoulder briefly and saw my dad's and the sakesman's retreating figures.
"How'd you get my number?" I asked clenching my fist.
"I googled your company and viola there it was."
"Bullshit," I spat. My private cell number is not displayed on my website.
There was a sickening cheery laugh on the other side on the line that made skin crawl and felt like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped on top of me. A whole grown ass man shouldn't be laughing like that.
"What do you want Mr. Bell?" I asked, my patience was wearing thin. I mean today started off so well. For the first time in a couple of weeks I actually felt okay despite being sick. Then this man had to ruin it.
"What I want is simple. I want you to make time in that little busy schedule of yours to see my client or else," he sneered
I did something I did not expect, all I wanted to do was cry because dammit fuck my life. I can never get a break so I laughed. I laughed long and hard in disbelief at the gull this man had. I was feeling all kinds of things frightened, violated, harassed, tired very very tired but the one emotion I felt more was anger.
"Who the fuck do you think you are to threaten me?" I asked after I had calmed down.
"Threaten you? Miss King I wouldn't dr-"
"You know what I don't care. My answer is no. Threat or no threat. I don't have any interest in intentionally seeing your client ever again in this life or the next,"
"Mis-"
I tsked cutting him off.
"On top of not being interested in what your client has to say I have no interest in what you have to say either Mr. Bell. And if you ever dare to threaten me ever again you and I are going to have a serious problem,"
"Well that was a lovely chat Mr. Bell but I must go now. Like you said I have a busy schedule. You have a great day now Mr. Bell," I say in the sweetest voice that I can manage and hang up.
I run my hands through my hair a couple times, a habit I picked up from Christian no doubt. I miss him. I could do with a bit of cuddling right about now.
I unlock my phone and dial his number. My finger hovers over the call button but I shake my head and lock my phone.
"Everything okay?" Sawyer asked as he and Cooper approach me. I shook my head. No I was not okay. They signal for Reynolds and Philippe to join us.
"Tobin Bell managed to get my number," I said holding up my phone
"That creep who ambushed you at the luncheon? Jigsaw's doppelganger?" Reynolds asks.
"The one and the same," I murmured tugging nervously on my lip.
I stop immediately when I see my dad walking out of the saleman's office. I didn't want to alert him that something was wrong. He'd know it as soon as he saw me tugging on my lip.
"You ran a background check on him?" I asked quietly keeping my eyes on my father but briefly met Sawyer's for confirmation.
"Yes."
"And everything checked out?" I asked gripping my bag with both hands.
"With the exception of a few parking tickets and a pending foreclosure on his house and a gambling addiction he's clean," Philippe said.
So he's desperate.
"We're still looking though," Cooper adds.
"Good. I want to know everything about him. Every single thing about him."
Dad finally reaches us and gives me a small smile.
"The car will be ready next week," he says.
I smiled then looked down at the time. I was going to be late if I didn't leave this moment. "Dad I have to go, I have to pick up Nathan."
I felt bad that I hadn't managed to spend some time with him last time. When I lived here I'd take him and Matthew out every second Friday. I'd pick them up from school and get some ice cream, we'd go to the park, or any restaurant of their choosing. I miss that. I miss my nephews.
"I have to pick up Matthew," Dad commented looking at his own watch.
"Matthew? I've been trying to reach Jasmine and Mike last night and this morning with no luck. I wanted to take both of them and do something fun but," I shrugged. I was being ignored.
"Matthew has been staying with us for about a week and a half now," dad said scratching his head.
"What?" My eyes snapped to his.
"Your mom and I didn't think that it was a good idea for him to be in that environment. Matthew's a good kid, he doesn't deserve to be dragged into all that mess."
I nod my head in agreement.
"So dad how about I look after Matthew and you can take mom out and make up for forgetting your anniversary."
I watch as he mulls the thought over. Then pulls out his phone from his breast pocket.
"That's not a bad idea. I could take her to that Thai restaurant she loves so much in New York. Maybe I should take her somewhere quiet just for tonight and tomorrow morning," he said speaking to himself. "Napa maybe?"
We agree to split up and meet at home.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
I am quietly sitting in the car, patiently waiting for the school doors to open, while Sawyer and Reynolds stand outside the car on look out. I step out when Sawyer knocks on my window to alert me that he sees Nathan.
I watch him browse over the pick up area for a familiar face. When his eyes land on my own his little face instantly lights up and he is bolting in my direction. He looks so cute in his tiny little uniform. I thought. I squat down and open my arms for a hug.
“Hi Nathan,” I say squeezing his little body tightly.
“Hi Aunt Lani,” he greets. “Hi Sawyer and other scary man.” I feel his arm lift and wave against me.
“Hey Buddy,” Sawyer says ruffling his hair while I hear Reynold’s repeat ‘scary man’.
I smiled as I let him go and gestured for him to get in the car. I walked around, to get in through the otherside.
“Mom said that you would pick me up from school but I didn’t really believe her,” Nathan confessed as soon as I closed the door. He looks up at me with big round eyes.
“Why did you not believe her?” I asked buckling his seatbealt. Why would Courtney lie about something so serious? The last thing you want to do is confuse your child on who will be picking him up.
“She hasn’t been keeping her promises lately; Neela is taking up most of her,” he sighs looking down at his shoes. He seems almost guilty admitting it.
Not knowing what to say I look ahead wracking my brain for the right thing to say. Sawyer’s eyes meet my own briefly when we stop at a stop sign, before concentrating back on the road.
I open my mouth to say something but he’s speaking again.“Neela cries all the time. Mom is always tired and falls asleep while she reads me bedtime stories and,” he stutters, “dad too.”
Aw Nathan.
“Have you told your parents about this?” I asked. He shook his head slightly then turned to look at me.
“Is it because mom is not my real mom?” he asks sadly his eyes welling with tears.
I gasped, my heart breaking a little. I have to call Courtney and Jesse. But later, right now I have to nip this in the bud. I have to do it in such a way that makes him feel heard, like his feelings of anger and sadness have been acknowledged and that he is justified feeling this way. I have to make him understand that taking care of a baby is a lot of work.
“No sweetie. Courtney is your mom and she loves you very much,” I paused, looking for the right words to say that he can understand.
“I understand what you are feeling, it’s completely normal. You’re used to being the only child, so when mommy told you that you were going to have a little sister, I don’t think you fully understood what that meant at the time,” I said. Nathan mulls my words over and he nods his head.
Nathan babies need a lot of time and attention. They are unable to do a lot of things themselves yet. For instance feeding themselves.”
“Or changing their own diaper,” he suggests pulling a face.
“Exactly,” I giggled. He soon starts laughing too.
“Look Nathan, I can’t promise that everything will go back to the way it was, but look at it this way, you have someone to play with and love,” I say, he pulls a face.
“It might not sound like a good thing because of how you feel now but I will say this I love my siblings and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without them."
“You know I was bullied in school?” I asked. His eyes widened in shock.
“No,” he whispered in disbelief. I nod my head.
“This boy from school who was a grade above me would always pick on me. He’d call me names and push me to the ground.” I tried to recall his face, his voice anything but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even remember his name. All of the things he did and he was just a blip in my past. There’s a certain beauty that comes with being successful. It’s like giving all my bullies the middle finger.
“What did you do?” he asked intrigued. He leans in to hear the answer.
“Nothing, I would cry myself to sleep sometimes because it got so bad. But one day he stopped. He wouldn’t look even look in my direction.”
“Why? What happened, Aunt Lani?”
“Turns out my big brother-“
“Dad?” he interrupted. I smiled and nod my head yet again.
“Your dad heard me crying one night and followed me to school the next day. I was walking up the short steps in front of school when the boy suddenly appeared infront of me out of nowhere just when he was about to push me down,” I watched with amusement and affection as a myraid of emotions crossed his face as I told the story.
“Your dad pushed him away from me. He whispered something in his ear.” He opens his mouth and I quickly add, “That I didn’t hear and he never bothered me again.” I knew exactly what Jesse said and he did not stop at having a few words with the boy but Nathan didn’t have to know that.
“The point that I am trying to make here Nathan is that siblings - older siblings like you and Jesse have a special job.” “Do you know what that job is?” I whispered as I leaned closer to him. A little frown formed on his forehead as he thought.
“I will give you a hint. The job has something to do with what your dad did in the story I just told you.”
It takes a while before his eyes light up and he excitedly says, “Dad protected you from the bully.”
“Yes exactly. As my older brother he protected me. He took care of me and he was there for me when I needed him. You have the same role with Nala,” I said giving him a meaningful look.
“I need to protect Neela. And take care of her,” he whispers but looks determined.
“I’ll be the best sibling ever,” I smile when he says this. Good crisis averted.
“I won’t be mean to her like Aunt Jasmine is to you.” Well that took a turn. I hear Sawyer let out a startled laugh that he quickly covers up with a cough. But his shoulders are still shaking.
“What? Sweetie, Aunt Jasmine is not mean to me,” I said. He looks like he’s about to protest so I continue talking.
“Aunt Jasmine is just hurting so she just lashes out and as a sibling,” I start, giving him a meaningful look, “I have to be undestanding.”
He didn’t look the least bit convinced so I try a different tactic.
“Remember when you got so angry at your mom that you took a knife and drew a square on the side of her car?” He instantly avoids eye contact at the memory but still nods his head.
“Well Aunt Jasmine is angry and hurting and I happen to be her car,” I say reaching out and running my hands through his hair. It was not my intention to embarrass him.
“Why is she angry at you? Did you shout at her like mommy did me?” he asked meeting my eyes.
If it were only that simple.
“I don’t think shes angry at me.” It’s not the truth per se but it is not a complete lie either. “It just so happens that im her easiest target.”
He still doesn’t look convinced but he accepts my answer. I decide to change the topic to something that is much easier to navigate.
“So how was school today?”
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W
hen I open the door I am greeted bby the sight on Matthew running towards me, a beaming smile on my face.
"Aunt Lani!"
I get on my knees and hold out my arms much like I did with Nathan.
"Hi Matt," I said wrapping my arms around me. "How are you little man?" I asked pulling back to get a good look at him. He's grown so much.
"Good." He smiles then looks over my shoulder.
"Where Mr. Chwistian?" he asked his eyes still searching behind me.
"He's not here," I said gently knowing how much he really liked Christian.
"Oh," he said his lips turning down at the corners.
Damn should I leave? I thought he cared about me. He's only known Christian for a fraction of a time that he has known me.
"Where's Spot little man?" I asked giving him a look has he been feeding him and treating him right?
I'm shocked to see tears well in his eyes at the question.
"Mommy said Spot go," he says sniffling looking down at his shuffling feet.
"Where'd he go?" What did Jasmine do with Spot? She had better not have killed it. That's just cruel. Matthew loved Spot so much.
He shrugged still looking sad.
"I'm sorry little man. Aunt Lani will get you a new one. And for each and every one that goes missing - Aunt Lani will get you two." I winked.
"Really," he gasped looking up at me. I smiled as I pushed his hair back. I feel it falter a bit when I see a cut by the corner of his hairline.
"Really," I replied examing the cut. It wasn't bad. It had already started healing but how did he get it.
I look up and it's then I notice my mom standing a few feet away waiting patiently.
"Look Matthew why don't you go play with Nathan while I talk to mom?"
I watch as they both nod and run off. They disappear around a corner. My guess is they're going to the playroom.
Sawyer and Cooper help me up and I thank them before making my way to my mom.
"Hi mom," I smile wrapping my arms around her and placed my cheek against hers.
"Hello sweetie," she said with a little squeeze. "Are you sick? You feel a little hot," she said placing her hand against my forehead.
"Tonsillitis," Is all I say and a look of understanding graces her face.
"Ah," she says. I nod my head.
"Well your dad told me that he tried to convince you to take them out but you wouldn't hear it." She gives me a look.
"You're just as stubborn as he is sometimes. I have something that can help with that," she smiles pointing at her neck. She then looks over my shoulder. "Come on boys, I just finished making lunch."
She gives my hand a little squeeze then leads the way to the kitchen. When we walk in Jeffrey is setting up the table where a whole spread of food sits. They're going to build their own subs. I thought with a pout as I looked at all the meats, cheeses, tomatoes and lettuce and much more. There were fries too. If my mouth wasn't so dry I'd be salivating.
"Hi Jeff," I smiled.
"Good afternoon Ms. King," he greeted warmly and returned my smile.
When I am about to pull a chair beside Cooper, mom stops me.
"No you and I are going to have our lunch outside," she says holding up a small cooler and pulls out a popsicle.
Something I can actually eat.
"I love you so much mom," I said accepting the popsicle with a smile and let her lead me through the glass doors to the fountain dad built for her in the middle of the garden. We sit on the bench and I look around. The garden was well kept and filled with flowers. My eyes are instantly drawn to the pink dahlias. I think about picking one but stop short. Instead I caress it and take a seat next to mom on the bench who's regarding me, almost curiously. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. The scent of flowers was very calming. It's the one thing I miss about having a garden. The smell of fresh cut grass and almost overwhelming smell of flowers. Maybe I should buy a few plants for my apartment?
I pulled out my rainbow coloured popsicle from it's wrapper and stuck it in my mouth. I could instantly taste orange and pineapple.
"This is good," I moaned pulling out the popsicle and casually picked it from time to time.
"You seem much sadder than usual," mom commented looking out over the garden.
"Wow mom."
"What? You do. I can see it," she said defensively turning her body in my direction.
"I know but you're supposed to work up to that question. Be subtle about it too," I said giving her a pointed look.
"Subtlety has never been my strongest suit. Dad is much better at it than I am." She sighs lowly then asks, "How was your day today? What did you do?"
I lifted my eyebrows slightly.
"It was okay all things considered," I shrugged. "Well I had appointments with my dermatologist, dentist and OBGYN. Met up with dad right after and now here I am," I said ticking it all off with my fingers. Before I can ask her the same question she's talking again.
"So is everything good down there? Everything checked out?"
I chuckled and nod my head.
"Good. Now will you tell me why you look so sad? Is everything going well with Christian,"
I chuckled humourlessly. It's not what she wants to know. At least not right at this moment. She's trying her hand at subtlety so I can't be mad at her prodding.
I could tell her that Christian and I are going through a rough patch. That although I understand where he's coming from, I did not deserve the way he treated me. Which would then open a can of worms. Because I'm her child she'd instantly take my side, as she should, and she'd end up disliking Christian. Dad would find out and the whole thing would be a mess. But I don't want that. The bottom line here is that I still love Christian and I want to protect him. I don't want my whole family antagonising him.
"Ask what you really want mom," I said sticking the popsicle into my mouth and pulling it out slowly.
"Why didn't you tell us - me about Willow?" she asks, her voice breaking a bit.
"I was going to," I start as I thought about my next words. "When I first found out that I was pregnant. I was still 20 at the time in the middle of running my own company, getting through school and planning a wedding. I was so overwhelmed. Everything was just moving so quickly and I bolted. I left my OBGYN's office and just walked," tears welled in my eyes as I recalled that day. Mom stays silent and wait is for me to continue.
"I wasn't ready to be a wife let alone be someone's mother," I said looking down at my hands holding the melting popsicle but couldn't bring myself to lick it.
"My mind kept going back to my options. Add more to my plate and keep this baby. Or have an abortion and wait until the timing was right. I was leaning more to the idea of having an abortion. Mike and I weren't even on speaking terms. We'd been fighting a lot and I stupidly thought it was wedding jitters or just stress from planning the wedding-" my throat constricted. I quickly wiped my tears away. Mike does not deserve any of them.
"Fucking stupid!" I sneered. All the signs were there and I ignored them. I took a deep breath.
"After I had calmed down I walked back to the office to get my car and drove home. Mike didn't come home that night and I couldn't eat or sleep. I had no one to talk to. It went on for days. With each day my resolve about the abortion strengthened until one day the most cliché thing happened. I bet you can't guess what?" I teased finally turning to look at her for the first time since starting the story. She had tears of her own running down her face. Her mascara had started dripping too. I probably look a mess too.
"I found myself on a bench at a park full of kids some with their mothers and others with their fathers or both." I pulled on my sleeve and wiped my nose. "It wasn't a beautiful scene like they always show us in the movies. I saw children fighting one another and their respective parents trying to pull them apart. My heart literally leapt into my throat when I saw a child fall off the monkey bars. I saw kids kick and hit their parents and others throwing tantrums. The tired and worrisome looks on all the parents. It was chaotic the perfect birth control for people debating if they wanted children."
"But I also saw beauty. I saw a boy give his mother flowers that he had just picked up. I saw parents look at their children with loving and adoring looks. Like having them in their lives with all that chaos was worth it," I laughed then stuck my popsicle in my mouth.
"Is that what convinced you to keep Willow?" Mom asked gently placing her hand on my free hand.
"That and I couldn't stop wondering if I was carrying a boy or girl. If I had a boy I wanted him to have Mike's eyes and smile but with my lips and eyebrows and nose. If I were to have a girl I wanted her to have my hair and my eyes. I was intrigued as to how he or she'd look," I thought wistfully. The picture of Willow's corpse appears unbidden into my mind and I violently shake it away as a strangled sob spilled from my lips. It still hurt so much.
"Aw honey," I hear mom mumbled as she wrapped her arms around me and let me cry.
My sobs died down eventually and Mom pulled away. We both wiped away our tears.
"You don't have to continue if you don't want to. I'd understand," she says holding both my hands not caring that they were sticky from the popsicle which disappeared into the grass leaving the stick.
"No I want to." I took a moment to compose myself. "I really thought about what truly held me back from having this child. I had a career, a good enough source of income that could provide for both myself and the baby. I knew Mike wasn't always so keen on having children but he'd been talking about them lately so I figured that he'd be fine with it. So what was stopping me from having this baby? I'm not trying to shit on women who had abortions even when they had a stable income and had a partner or had other reasons for doing so. I have no right to judge what they choose to do with their bodies, it's just that for me? I wanted this baby."
"Things got better after I made the decision to keep the baby. The wedding was approaching fast and the rest of the planning went without a hitch. Mike and I would still argue about him not putting the toilet seat down, peeing on the chair and not cleaning it up and working overtime almost all the time but we were still good." or so I thought. I shrugged.
"I was going to tell him on our honeymoon. I googled for little cute ways to tell him. I hadn't fully decided but I had put the latest sonogram in a box and wrapped it with a little bow on top. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face when I told him. It took everything to keep it to myself. But I did. I was going to announce to the family after we got back from our honeymoon."
"Then everything went to shit," mom said shaking her head slightly.
"Everything that could have gone wrong that day, did. And it was all downhill from there. From my sham of a wedding, my honeymoon turned girls trip and then the media shitstorm that followed me after the wedding video was leaked. Then came the accident and losing Willow." My vision blurred as I continued speaking. Each event passing my mind like a snapshot in time.
"I literally lost a part of myself. It hurts unlike anything I've ever felt before. I can't even explain the pain I feel. It's been three years and the intensity of the pain hasn't changed. But work and the people in my life make it bearable."
"I'm really sorry I didn't tell you but please understand where I'm coming from. I was going through a lot and it was easier to ignore everything that was going on in my life and focusing on other people's pain and struggles. I just couldn't bring myself to tell everyone and suffer the pitying looks. Let's not forget that the family wasn't in a good place to begin with, with all the drama of picking sides."
"Kehlani you didn't have to -" I cut her off already knowing what she was about to say.
"But I did. If I hadn't put my feelings aside there'd be a lot of resentment. We probably wouldn't have gotten to meet Matthew until he was a teenager," I laughed bitterly. I knew Jasmine well enough. She could be very petty and she is stubborn as well and would do anything to prove a point.
"I considered all these things and in the end the pros of not telling the family outweighed the cons," I finished. Mom abruptly pulled me into her arms.
"I'm sorry I was so oblivious to the pain you were feeling. I'm sorry you had to endure that on your own," she whispered against my ear. I closed my eyes as I took in her words.
"I'm so sorry."
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That's it.
Thank you so much for reading.
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