(⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️, descriptions of cutting and phobia are mentioned in this chapter, so viewer/reader discretion is advised)
- Akaashi
About a month after I moved in with Bokuto's family, fear sunk its claws deep into my mind, refusing to let go. The looming threat of Bokuto finding out about my secrets loomed over me, holding me back everytime we hugged or kissed. I couldn't shake the feeling something was going to happen, and I knew that Bokuto felt that something was off with me.
To make matters worse, that nightmare came back again and again, infecting my dreams like a plague. Sometimes it would keep me trapped until morning and I would wake up in a cold sweat, but those were the better times. Other times, I would wake up with a scream in the middle of the night, scaring the crap out of poor Bokuto who would then have to coax me back to sleep while trying desperately to catch my tears that would just slip through his fingers.
I couldn't take it anymore. So, one night when the nightmare woke me once more, I slipped away from Bokuto's warm embrace and into the bathroom, taking a broken razor blade into my hand. I slowly brought it to my wrist, pressing the edge into my skin. I let out a hiss of pain, and saw a drop of blood already starting to form.
A drop of blood, like the substance that coated the dirt floor of my house that night.
Another spike of fear tore threw me and I dropped the razor, hearing the metal connect with the tile floor as I stumbled towards the toilet, barely making it over the bowl before everything in my stomach came up.
I felt a warm hand rubbing my back and soft words being murmured to me as I finished, sitting back and leaning against the wall, breathing heavily. Bokuto stretched his hand, flushing the toilet before grabbing a few pieces of toilet paper, gently wiping my mouth.
"You okay now, Keiji?" Bokuto asked me quietly, meeting my gaze. I thought about lying, but thought against it. I was done with lying.
"No," I said honestly, and Bokuto frowned.
"What's wrong?" I tried finding my words, but didn't really know how to explain it. So, I just lifted my arm, showing it to Bokuto, who's eyes widened.
"Keiji, do you cut?" Bokuto asked, looking at me with fear in his golden eyes. It wasn't fear directed towards me, it was for me. I shook my head.
"I was just. . . I was just so frustrated," I admitted, my voice trembling. Bokuto nodded and squeezed my hand, silently urging me to continue. I took a shuddering breath.
"I thought that cutting would make me feel better, but the second I saw the blood I just. . ." I trailed off, but Bokuto seemed to understand. "Blood scares me so much," I said quietly.
"That's nothing to be ashamed about," Bokuto said, rubbing small circles on my knuckles. "You have more reason than anyone to be scared of it. But, if you don't mind me asking, why are you frustrated?"
I swallowed heavily, for I dreaded this moment for a long, long time. I knew I couldn't keep it a secret forever, but at the same time if I told Bokuto the truth what would he say? What would he do? Would he abandon me?
"Keiji, you know I'm stupid. I'm not going to understand unless you tell me," Bokuto said, and I nodded.
"I know and I want to, but I'm just really, really scared," I said, and Bokuto let out a small sigh.
"Everyone has something they're afraid of. Why don't you tell me in the morning, yeah?" Bokuto suggested, and I nodded again. He stood up, offering his hand to me, which I took. He pulled me to my feet, and I quickly rinsed out my mouth, heading back to bed with Bokuto.
- Bokuto (finally)
Everything was driving me crazy. As Keiji and I snuggled back under the covers, I wrapped my arms around Keiji's waist, savoring the warm his back provided pressed against my chest. I knew he was scared about something, that fact was as clear as day. I kept catching Keiji looking over his shoulder, as if something or someone was coming for him.
"Good night," I whispered to him, and Keiji hummed in acknowledgement, his evenly paced breaths signaling that he fell asleep. I sighed. I would do anything to take away his pain.
I wanted to help Keiji, but it was a lot easier said than done. I knew he wanted to tell me something really important, and I really wanted to know what it was. Maybe he wants to tell me that he's breaking up with me, I thought, but shook it away. Based on Keiji's behavior, there was no way that was the case.
I know this might sound really bad, but I'm actually really glad Keiji is scared of blood. If he started cutting, things would just get a thousand times worse.
Keiji wasn't worrying me in all areas, though. He eats really slowly, but Keiji now recognizes when he's had enough food, which is helping to even out his weight. When I realized Keiji was starting to eat properly on his own, I almost cried. I am not ashamed to admit that.
I sighed for the second time, closing my eyes and listening to Keiji's even breathing.
You are my poison and my cure at the same time, Keiji. . .