"So you located the aunt and uncle?"
"Yes."
"Are they alive?"
"It's unlikely. If they are, they won't be for long."
"You look as if this saddens you. Do I need to worry that your personal feelings might cloud your judgment?"
"You confuse my compassion for sadness."
"There's no room for compassion right now. You know that. You have a mission. And if you can't stay the course, then I'll be forced to remove you from the project."
"Oh, don't kid yourself. We both know there's no one else that can do what I do."
"And what is it exactly that you do, because as of yet, you haven't produced the girl."
"She'll surface. At some point, she'll slip up. Everyone slips up."
"If that were true, then we would have found her a long time ago."
"It's because of a slip up, that we lost her in the first place. Just give her time. She'll find her way back. We've made sure of that."
***
I can feel the pain. I'm not supposed to, but I can. Everything is fuzzy, but as things start to come into focus, I see a sharp blade. It digs into my neck. They're cutting a flap of skin open and removing something. A figure pulls away, and I can see what they're holding. It's a small square. My mom and dad are by my side and my father shouts that I've woken up. A man rushes over and sticks a needle in my arm. As I drift out of consciousness, the stranger's face gets closer.
"I don't know what happened," he says. He sounds concerned, panicked even. "That shouldn't have worn off so quickly."
The voice is familiar.
"Ever, can you hear me?" He towers over me. It's a face I recognize.
"Uncle Ben?" I mutter. But it's not my voice. I mean, it is, but it sounds different, childlike. Then everything goes black.
When I come to, I'm running in the tunnel again, spiraling downward further and further into the earth. The pit seems to go on forever. Walls of rock loom high above, as I make my way farther into the cavernous black pit. I hear a girl giggling and I instinctively follow the sound of her laughter. Darkness surrounds me, but this place is familiar and I know where to step. I run towards the girl, trying to catch her, but she's always just barely out of reach. My fingertips gently brush the edge of her shirt but I'm unable to grab the fabric. Then just like that, streams of bright sunlight break through the darkness. Light reflects off of a snowy white ground. It's so bright, it pains my eyes. I blink and use my hands to shield my eyes from the sun's harsh rays. I kick the snow with my feet, but the texture is all wrong. It's not snow at all. It has a grainy quality to it, which leaves a strange white residue on my shoes. It's not winter that surrounds me, but a barren desert landscape. It almost looks as if I'm on another planet. Mountains surround me on all sides. I feel trapped. The land smells putrid and the stench of sulfur wafts through the air. The girl appears, beckoning me towards her, but I cannot make out who she is. I've almost caught up with the mystery girl. I reach for her, wanting her to turn around so that I can see her face. My hand reaches closer and closer until I'm able to grab her upper arm and swing her around. I scream when the face turns towards me. It's not that of a young girl, but of a man in a mask. He grabs me and pins me down to a chair. He clutches a scalpel in his right hand. There are others there, trying to hold me down. I kick and scream as a white cloth is placed against my mouth. "No," I yell, but the cloth muffles my cries and the stench of alcohol fills my nostrils.
"Nooooo!" I scream at the top of my lungs, jumping up to a sitting position.
"Ever, relax. It was just a dream. You're having a nightmare again."
Lex and Wyler are staring at me, eyes filled with both confusion and concern. We're pulled over on the side of the road. I must have drifted off and they decided to stop somewhere along the way. I wonder how long I've been out, how far we've traveled. The route my aunt mapped out for us, took us off of the main freeway. It's a less direct path and will take us much longer, but I trust that there's a reason my aunt suggested we stay on the back roads. Lex tried to fight me on it, but I insisted that we follow the route my aunt laid out. To my surprise, Wyler agreed with me, so Lex didn't push it.
"Sorry," I say, embarrassed by yet another outburst in my sleep. "I hardly slept last night. I feel like I'm losing my mind."
Lex and Wyler give each other a look as if they agree with that last statement.
"Here," Wyler hands me a bottle of water. "Have some. You're all sweaty."
"No thanks," I wave his offer away. "I just need some fresh air." I feel flustered and embarrassed. I need a moment to myself.
"Do you want some company?" he asks.
"No," I shake my head. "I just need a minute." Wyler's company is the last thing I need right now. I just want to clear my head and being around him makes my brain cloudy.
I hop down from the truck and step out into the desert. The chilly evening air hits my skin and I shiver. Goosebumps cover my arms and I rub them to warm up. The temperature is dropping quickly. We've been driving most of the day, other than a couple stops to use the bathroom and stretch our legs. It's getting dark. The sky is nearly black, but the light of a thousand stars illuminates the sandy desert that stretches out before me. It reminds me of the many times my father took me camping when I was younger. It was just he and I, cooking hot dogs and marshmallows in front of a roaring fire, under a blanket of stars. I remember feeling so safe, cuddled up in my sleeping bag, next to him in our tiny two-person tent. As I look out over the vast landscape, I wonder if I'll ever feel that sense of safety again.
From behind me, I hear footsteps approaching and I know it's Lex. She never has been good at listening to what others want.
"I really do just want to be alone," I say, turning towards her.
"I know," she says, ignoring my request, because she knows me well enough to understand that even though I said it, it doesn't mean that's what I really want, or need.
"Here," she tosses a blanket over my shoulders. That's the thing about Lex; she cares, even if it's hard sometimes for her to show it. It's a side of her that she only shares with me, and in a weird way, it makes me feel special, like I'm the only person she'll let see who she really is.
I wrap the itchy wool fabric around my arms, keeping my eyes on the horizon. Dark peaks rise above the land. A mountain range looms large in the distance.
"So what's going on with you?" she inquires.
Is it that obvious? Has she figured out what I've done, what Wyler and I have done? This is the most time the three of us have spent together in a while. It has been hard being in such close quarters with Wyler and pretending like nothing happened. I've always been a bad liar, especially when it comes to Lex. In fact, I think this is the first time I've ever really kept something from her.
"Nothing," I reply, staring at my shoes and kicking the dirt. I keep my answer short and my eyes anywhere from meeting hers. I can feel her staring at me.
"Right, nothing," she says in a mocking tone. "Waking up screaming and soaked in sweat is totally normal."
Oh, right, the nightmares. That's what she meant when she asked what was going on. I feel stupid for thinking she was asking about Wyler, when she was genuinely wondering if I was okay.
"I've been having nightmares," I say, stating the obvious. She nods.
"Well I guess that's understandable with everything that's happened the last few days."
"No, it's not a recent thing. It has been happening for a long time, and they're getting worse."
So I guess lying to Lex about Wyler isn't the first time I've kept something from her. All these years, I've never told her about my nightmares. I guess I didn't want her to think I was some kind of freak, because that's how my nightmares make me feel. They seem so real sometimes, that when I wake up, I'm not able to differentiate between what is true and what is just a dream. They seem to be more frequent and vivid as of late. The line between fantasy and reality is becoming increasingly finer.
"What are they about?" she asks with genuine concern. It has been a long time since Lex has asked me about me. Things usually centered around her. She's like the sun: everyone and everything seemed to orbit around Lex. For the most part, I was fine taking a back seat to her shining star. Life was better when I went unnoticed. That is, until, Wyler noticed me.
"They're complicated. I don't really know how to explain. But they feel so real."
"Dreams are funny that way. I remember one time; I was mad at Wyler for like a week because I had a dream that he cheated on me. It felt so real that I couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal I had when I woke up."
I gulp and hope she doesn't notice. If she was mad at him for a week over a fictional betrayal, I hate to think what her wrath will look like if she knows that her dream actually became a reality.
"This is different," I say, trying to divert the conversation away from Wyler. "They feel like memories, like things that have already happened. I know the places in my dreams. I've been to them before."
"I think that's called déjà vu."
"Maybe," I reply, knowing that I won't be able to make her understand, especially since I don't fully understand myself. My aunt said to "look for the hole in the ground." It can't be a coincidence that the dreams I've been having center around a giant spiraling pit. Is it the same hole in the ground that she referred to? And if so, where is the hole and what is its significance?
"Where are we?" I try to change the subject. The conversation about my dreams feels like a dead end for now.
"I don't know exactly. This route your aunt has sent us on is a little wacky. You should ask Wyler. He seems to know where he's going."
Just then, the ground begins to tremble under our feet.
"Did you feel that?" she asks rhetorically.
I nod.
We look at each other with an understanding that something is coming and we better not wait around to find out what it is.
"We should probably hit the road. I can drive. I'm feeling rested, at least as much as I can be...considering."
"Do you even know where we're headed?"
"There," I point to a mountain range in the distance.
"Why?" she asks, baffled by our destination.
"I don't know exactly. The directions my aunt gave us aren't entirely clear, but something tells me that's where we're supposed to go. It's like there's a map in my head that's unfolding as we drive."
"Okay, that's not weird or anything," she says sarcastically, giving me big eyes. "You sure you're okay? You've been acting pretty weird."
"Never been better," I reply, but we both know that's a lie. So I guess it's not that hard for me to lie to Lex after all. It seems to be easier the more and more I do it.
I toss the blanket at her and she catches it in her arms as I make my way back to the truck.
"You coming?" I turn around and yell.
She hesitates for a minute, as if she's contemplating her options, as if staying in the desert alone might be a safer and saner alternative, despite the rumbling that is happening under our feet and the coyote howling in the not-so-far-off distance. It occurs to me then, that I might seem a bit off my rocker, and that I better keep any future dream-memories to myself. I need to at least appear sensible if I want to reach my destination.