***I'm debating on writing an epilogue or not. But I most likely won't. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming on this journey with me. It's been wild. I appreciate every single one of you!!!! So now, Graceless fans can celebrate. I only have one ongoing story left. BAHAHAHAHA Also, please use Ecosia.org as a search engine. Let's help save the planet one tree at a time.
Dinah climbed down the stairs after debating on staving off her curiosity or indulging it. Her decision was made when she realized the couple would end up sharing what happened with her, especially Lauren. If she didn't, Dinah would have fun prying it out of her.
At the foot of the stairs, she could see the open front door and next to it was another couple sharing a kiss. She felt a smile settle on her lips marred with sympathy as she thought of the years they had to endure hiding their love – Darnell being introduced as a friend while he watched Luca parade his wife. She couldn't imagine how it must have felt, and the knowledge of it being a ruse wouldn't pacify the sting every time he witnessed them kiss.
Another couple that convinced her she had no business dating in the near future.
From the corner of her eye, she found Elf pulling Milo by the hand, most likely up the stairs to his foster mother. She could already feel an affectionate smile take shape in her lips but then she looked up to see Milo's face, her eyes as wide as sauces, her fair skin ashen, and when she followed her gaze, she imagined she wore the same expression.
"What sorts of distasteful people have you surrounded yourself with, Luca?" Matilda's voice came like a destructive tsunami, tearing the couple apart and shattering all in her way. Even Milo took a step back.
Hurt instantly flashed in Darnell's eyes, feeling the burn of Luca's hands pushing him on the shoulders. They were the same hands that cupped his cheeks with delicate care just seconds ago. Luca hurriedly swiveled to face his mother, his trembling hand covering his swollen mouth and he took a swipe at it as if he was erasing remnants of the man he loved. He avoided his mother's scathing eyes and whatever blend of emotions stirred it. He imagined disappointment and pain, and some sort of trepidation and horror but he had no doubt disgust beamed the brightest if her derisive tone was anything to go by.
"Is this why you filed for divorce? Have you lost your mind? What will they say?"
"Cammie and I, we weren't happy, mother." Luca mumbled, a pitiful jumble of words that reminded him of Elf when he was in trouble. He couldn't hear much of his voice with the rapid beat of his heart ricocheting in his skull.
It wasn't much but it was more than Dinah expected from him. She hadn't expected him to speak up at all.
"You're not happy?! That's it? Your father and I are not always happy but that's no reason to be hasty and file for divorce." Matilda quickly refuted, a mocking lilt spiked up like a sharp dissonance to a melody, citing her own marriage as if they were some model couple but Luca knew better. "Surely, you can reconcile if you have had a little tryst with another woman or—" She cast a menacing glare towards Darnell but refused to acknowledge what she had just seen or its implications. "Yours is not the first marriage to be struck by infidelity. It won't be the last. But we make sacrifices for the people we love."
"You mean he has to make sacrifices for your benefit?" Milo interrupted much to everyone's surprise, the volume of her voice a notch louder with every word as years of suppressed sentiments and emotions fueled her resolve. "For the people who don't feed him and clothe him? For the people who don't care about him? Or is it because your homophobia is quivering at the thought that your son is gay."
Dinah jumped at the power pulsating in the rhetorical question. Unknowingly, she was accepting Elf's hand from Milo, who was leisurely inching her way towards Matilda. She could almost see all the pent up anger rise like lava in a volcano and with all the right conditions, she was about to erupt. Milo was a good friend and that was despite the fact that Luca never stood up for her.
"How dare you speak to me like that? And in my property." Matilda spat, her revulsion at the mere thought of even speaking with Milo written all over her flushed face and the tremor of her lips.
"This is Luca's house. Not yours. I'll leave if he asks me to." Milo retorted, her grit unwavering unlike all the other times, when she dropped her head and refused to speak, which was what Darnell had been reduced to. The jade hue of her eyes darkened at the sight of Matilda up close, sparking fear to bubble in Matilda.
After all, the woman did consider her feral. She should definitely be afraid.
"Get out! Now!" Matilda glanced at Luca as if asking him to do something, her conceit crumbling in the face of a solid pillar emerging from who she frequently referred to as a low life.
"Why are you such a vile person? Your son is not doing anything wrong. He is merely in love. I don't know what planet you're from, but most couples are together not out of convenience."
Luca saw the moment his mother lifted her hand, a clear intention in the gesture. Milo had cornered her and Matilda did not like it. Fear rooted him to his place, he held his breath as he braced for impact and vaguely felt a hand on his shoulder as Darnell tried to reach Matilda. He saw a blur of dark hair and grimaced at the piercing sound of a palm colliding against skin.
"Mama!" Elf wailed helplessly behind Camila, struggling to free himself from Lauren's grip. Her fiancée was the only reason she didn't run to him and stayed where she was, staring Matilda square in the eyes.
The sound of his little voice momentarily put out the fire of Camila's ire. She looked towards Lauren, sending her a grateful nod when she found her cradling the boy in her arms, whispering soothing words in his ear while covering the other with her hand. With a parting glance – a reverent plea to be careful, Lauren sauntered to the home theatre, where their voices would be stifled by its cushioned walls.
And as much as Lauren would love to be there for her, there was only so much her protective love could shield her from. There were demons that only Camila could slay.
The next time she blinked, the silky chocolate color of her eyes were eclipsed by her fury. The struggle to rein in her anger was as palpable as the heavy gusts of her breath and her steely grip on Matilda's wrist that her fingers were steadily turning white. Rancor forced her hand to tighten as Matilda morphed into every single person and every single voice that tormented her and chased her even in her dreams.
It made sense that she saw Alma in her.
And it made sense that Milo suddenly looked like Jette.
"Never lay a hand on her." Camila snarled, barely moving her lips, her jaw hurting at the pressure that clenched her teeth. She was disappointed in Luca yet again but the bigger evil was staring her in the eyes, standing her ground with her appalling beliefs.
Matilda was convinced the woman before her was nothing like the acquiescent one her son married. She would go as far as to say she was an imposter who wore the same face. Or that she'd been brainwashed by the likes of Milo and Dinah, anything that would appease her misguided conviction. Camila was hurting her wrist and her façade was broken by a slight grimace.
The vengeful voice in Camila's head rejoiced at the sight but Matilda still had the audacity to scoff to save face.
"Oh, look, my ex-daughter-in-law is here." Matilda said with such effort to sound unfazed, the flare of superiority lifting her voice. "Figured you could leech off my son some more? Like this low life over here." She gestured towards Milo with her head but she refused to take her eyes off Camila even if it took all her strength to do so. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you tricked him and made him live this lifestyle. Didn't you think about what they would say?"
"Your son is shoved too far into the closet, he is suffocating, Matilda!" Camila exclaimed but it wasn't the volume of her incensed voice that was drilling Matilda's frozen heart, it was the message that rattled her though she wouldn't admit it. "He can choose to step out but he just loves you too much he'd rather die in there for you."
"What do you know about family? About love? You left your own family."
"You want to know why you haven't met my family? You wanna know why I left?" Camila took a deep breath, filling every crevice of her lungs with oxygen just to keep the spell of anger from taking her ability to reason. Her free hand was balled into fists and she was not allowing herself to physically harm anyone, even the vile woman she was facing.
"They worried about those same people you worried about – what they will say, what they will think when they find out their kid is gay. Those same people who won't mourn them when they die. You know what they will feel? Nothing. They will keep talking and the first thing they will ask is why their kid didn't come home to bury them but they will have answers before they could even ask. It's because you drove us away!
"The woman you're looking down on has been there for your son when he worried about what you would do if you found out. We both know you would have chosen to shun him away. Tell me I'm wrong and I will drop down on my knees and I will apologize to you right now. Would you have accepted him? This 'abhorrent lifestyle?'" She unknowingly squeezed Matilda's wrist tighter as she took a menacing step closer so that their faces were barely a foot away. "Would you, Matilda? Answer me!"
Her question was met with silence but Matilda's eyes were steadily projecting fear – of Camila, of losing her son, Camila didn't know. But when she expected vindication to taste sweet, she was taken aback by her discovery. The saccharine flavor was tinged with the bitter sense of guilt because Matilda was a mother and in an instant, Sinu's face appeared in her mind's eye, displaying the same fear she saw in Matilda's.
But she'd reached a point where stopping would hurt her more. A sudden break in momentum would result in a crash and the only way for her to step off alive would be to ease into it. For Luca, for Milo, for Lauren and for herself, she needed to say what she'd been dying to.
"Unless you want a life like theirs – forced to swallow their ego, asking the very person they didn't want me to be with for help, you learn to accept who he is. Because I won't feel an ounce of sympathy for you if Luca decided to leave you and never speak with you again. That precious name you have will die with you and your husband.
"And in case you haven't checked more into my background, I'm filthy rich. I never needed Luca's money. And I didn't have to spend a dime to learn respect." She shook her head, disappointment forcing the steady momentum. "Money can buy you a lot of things but you could never afford a heart." She dropped Matilda's wrist and it felt like letting go of the burden she'd been lugging for nearly fifteen years. "You've met my real family. They're just not the ones you're looking for. Don't let me catch you utter a disparaging comment against any of them next time. You have everything to lose. I'm done being scared."
Luca staggered backwards when the heavy weight of Camila's gaze flitted towards him. Her eyes were filled with every bit of her disappointment at the moment and he felt like being slapped with it, and all he could do was drop his head in remorse. Behind him, Darnell regarded her with a grateful nod and when she looked for Milo, Camila was relieved she was next to Dinah.
Without another word, she retreated to the home theatre, to Lauren and Elf.
To her little family.
-
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Lauren asked the boy after they settled on the carpet with an obscene number of pillows by the stage, the spot he and Camila usually hung out in.
She combed his hair away from his eyes and gently lifted his chin with a finger when all he did was shake his head. His arms were still wound around her midsection, his head leaning against her chest and Lauren's arm still draped over his small frame protectively.
"What do you want to do?" She watched him glance at the door, alluding to Camila. She could see the frustration and the helplessness in his watery eyes. He wanted to help but he didn't know how. "Mama's going to be fine, bud."
She wholeheartedly believed Camila would be. Her fiancée was patient and possessed great restraint but she was not to be messed with. Besides, Dinah was with her. If there was anyone she'd trust to take care of Camila, it was Dinah.
But Lauren had seen it, the part of her she drew Professor C's infamous temper from. It was along the halls of John H. Roth High and Lauren would never forget her eyes spilling out, beaming with absolute rage as she confronted Jette and Ivy. Back then, it was a miniscule part of her but circumstances added firewood to a once meager flame and for a perpetually tormented soul, they either rise from obscurity or succumb to it. And Camila did more than rise up.
She conquered.
But that was not what worried her. Her heart was heavy because Elf was wearing pain so pure, it felt like a jagged sword piercing her chest and his quivering frame weakened her resolve.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Yes."
"Are you afraid of Mama?"
"No." He squeaked as tears started to fill his eyes, the corners of his lips tugged downwards as the bottom one jutted out and it was all it took for moisture to cloud Lauren's eyes as well. "Gramma was going to hurt Auntie Milo. Mama saved Auntie Milo."
She could have sworn she heard her heart crack at the sound of the boy struggling to voice his emotions while she, too, struggled to be there for him. She was well aware how complicated, how difficult it was to counsel somebody she cared deeply about because all she wanted to do was to coddle Camila's son – her son – and wrap him up in a hug and hope he felt her love through the warmth of her skin. But she knew he had to talk to keep that little ripple of distress from becoming a tidal wave.
"She did." She reaffirmed with an incessant nod. "It's okay to be afraid, honey. But I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."
"I don't like it here, Miss Lauren. I like it in the other house." He admitted with a resolute shake of his head, the sadness in his brown eyes were marred with fear of disappointing her. Tears started to tumble down his smooth cheeks and he never made an attempt to wipe them but Lauren did, and in silence, he took comfort in it as he leaned closer to Lauren. "When can we go?"
"That's why we're packing Mama's stuff. We're taking them home with us." She tightened her grip on him while cupped his cheek with her free hand, offering the smallest smile even if her heart was bleeding with the most potent of vicarious pain. "When we finish packing, we can go. But I can talk to Mama and make sure we go home when she comes in here."
"We live there? It's not a sleep over like Mr. Claus said?"
"It's not, honey."
"You live there, too?" With such hesitation, he held Lauren's tender gaze but the hopeful cadence in his question gave Lauren immense relief.
He wanted her there, too.
"Yeah. Are you okay with that?" Lauren broached, earning another nod.
"Like Uncle Darnell and Mr. Claus?" Elf asked, curiosity gleaming in his gloomy eyes. It was Lauren's turn to nod, biting onto her lips to keep her jaw from dropping with shock. It was all she could do because speaking was completely off the table and squeaking her words out was not the most ideal. "Okay."
Lauren tried to think about where she and Camila slipped. She thought about their little banters that always spurred excessive touching and eventually, a long kiss. But the boy knew they shared a bedroom and a closet among other things. And apart from not kissing in front of him, they had not tried to hide their affections for one another. No amount of self-restraint could keep them from reaching out. They spoke the same love language: touch.
Lauren felt uneasy about explaining the situation to Elf without Camila's permission but delaying that conversation would only be another burden to the boy. Giving him vague answers would only confuse him and being a parent meant making hard decisions. She'd just deal with Camila later. She had a child to appease. She acknowledged it was a decision she made with her emotions, her motherly instincts not her professional training.
"Some kids have a mommy and a daddy. Others have two mommies or two daddies. And that's okay, babe. But Mama and Mr. Claus will always be friends, and they love you so, so much." It was a diplomatic answer and Elf knew it, too, as he stared at her as if he was waiting for something else. "I've loved your Mama for a long time and if you let me, I'd like to keep loving her as my wife."
"You're my mommy, too?" Elf asked, a flicker of happiness picking his shoulders up, and all Lauren could think about was how she was digging a deeper grave for herself.
Camila wasn't just having her head. She was giving it to her on a silver platter.
"Is that okay with you?" Lauren dared to ask despite dread creating a painful whirlpool to settle low in her belly but Elf nodded shyly and for a moment, all she could do was heave a sigh of relief. "You know I love you, right? I love you like you're my baby. And I'm always going to be here for you just like Mama."
"Yes. But I'm not a baby." He protested in a timid voice, sniffling but the cadence was vastly different, lighter and happier. Finally, he extracted himself from Lauren to deliver his defiance the best way he could. He couldn't cling to his mother while trying to make a point that he was definitely not a baby.
"Oh, sorry. You're not a baby. Come give Miss Lauren a hug." She smiled at him, chuckling as he launched himself to her, looping his arms around her neck and resting his head on her shoulder. It was such a shame no one could see his sweet, little smile. "I love you, my big boy." When he didn't respond in words, and instead, he sighed, Lauren decided to tickle him until he was squirming on his back, and the sound of his giggles filled her ears and her heart, soothing the cracks his pain caused her. "You're not going to tell me you love me, too?"
"Love you, too." He gasped, flushed faced and content, lying on his back and looking at his other mother with discernable awe. And by his gaze, Lauren could tell he meant it.
"I need you to promise me something." She helped him up, offering both of her hands. She fixed his shirt, straightening it as best as she could and then proceeded to brush his hair from his face again, concluding it with a kiss to his forehead.
"What is it?"
"You come to me or Mama if something's bothering you, alright?" She stared into his eyes to convey sincerity her words might not. "You can tell us anything and we will love you no matter what."
"Promise." His grin was gradual but it was the brightest. "We have to do something." He took Lauren off guard when he lifted his little finger – with significant struggle – waiting for the woman to hook hers with his. "Now we kiss our hands." Lauren did as told, wearing an amused grin.
"Who taught you this?"
"Auntie Dinahsaur." He said, utterly pleased with himself.
"Of course, she did."
Their conversation was interrupted by the door opening but the pair eagerly looked on until Camila materialized before them. Elf hurriedly pushed himself up and met Camila halfway as she walked down the aisle.
A small smile danced on Lauren's lips as she watched all the tension leave Camila's body at the sight of the two of them, like she was shedding off her heavy armor that kept her safe in battle. She couldn't help but think about the future with those two as her family and her soul couldn't be happier. In the years she was without Camila, she was restless, often looking for something missing in her relationships, in her daily life. She did try to move past it all, to move forward after Camila but all her efforts had been in vain.
And it hadn't made much sense until she found her again. Because Camila held all the answers to every riddle and maze she was met with over the years.
"Hey." Camila lifted him up to her arms and he buried his face in the crook of her neck. She adorably frowned at Lauren when she heard him sniffling close to her ear but kept walking towards her fiancée while she rubbed his back. "It's okay, honey. I'm okay."
"He was worried about you." Lauren muttered loud enough for Camila to hear as the woman sat next to her but it was the only volume she could muster. Any higher, Camila would have heard her overwhelming emotions in the undulation of her voice. She rested her head on Camila's shoulder, gratitude floating in her sigh. "How'd it go?"
"Better than expected." Camila retorted, a brief statement to appease Lauren and also a promise to talk about what happened when the little one couldn't hear them.
"Is Gramma gone?" Elf asked, slowly lifting his head from where it was tucked in time for Camila to recall what she'd been dying to talk to him about.
"I think so. But you called me 'Mama!'" Camila grinned, a celebratory lilt in her voice that the boy cowered away from fear of rejection despite knowing in his heart that Camila was his mother. She cupped his cheeks just like Lauren did but unlike Lauren, she couldn't help but pinch them. "No. No, no. Don't be scared. You're my baby."
The interaction and that teasing, affectionate tone reminded Lauren of the seventeen-year-old who raised her baby sister. Nostalgic sorrow stirred her chest at the thought that it had been over ten years since then and in most of those years, they weren't together. But regret had no place in her current life, the one where she was Camila's fiancée and Elf's mother, and suddenly it didn't hurt as much anymore.
"I'm not a baby." He grumbled, his brows clashing in that adorable display of offense leaving Lauren struggling to hold back tears and laughter. He leaned back and away from Camila, sitting on her outstretched legs with his arms crossed.
"What are you then?" Camila played along in that faux stern tone, narrowing her eyes and lifting her chin as if a judge waiting to give her verdict.
"I'm a big boy." Elf declared, fixing Camila that determined look that made both women coo at the sight. Lauren had to slap Camila's hand away to keep her from pinching his cheeks again.
"Yeah, you are. You've gotten taller. Are you sure you're still my Leslie?"
"Yes! I'm Leslie!" He insisted, slightly deflating as if he feared Camila forgot who he was.
"Hmm. Let's see." She cupped his cheeks again, tilting his face up and down, left and right as if appraising him, unknowingly making Lauren fall deeper in love with her. And with the opportunity, she had to pinch his cheeks one more time. "Yup, still my Leslie. And what grade will you be in in the fall again?"
"First grade!" He exclaimed happily.
"That's right! But I'm not letting you go to high school yet." She alluded to their old conversation, crumpling the bridge of her nose. But mirth in her smile soon vanished and in place was her motherly tenderness. "Hey. We have to talk to you about something."
There was still a light tone in her voice and she even went as far as feigning excitement. It was enough to grab the boy's attention and not rouse suspicion. She cast a glance at Lauren, making her intentions known but she completely misread the alarm that widened her green eyes. Still, she was convinced it was time to talk to Elf even if it was without Luca.
After all, she was more than certain her son had questions about their living arrangements. They would have to discuss her marriage to Luca when he's older but she would answer every single question he might have as best as she could.
"You love Miss Lauren like Mr. Claus and Uncle Darnell?" Elf interrupted as she was inhaling through her parted mouth, getting ready to speak. In an instant, she snapped it shut, confusion and scrutiny drawing her brows together.
"I mean, if you want to make it that simple." She mumbled to herself, shrugging. She could sense the onset of laughter rack Lauren's body but she heard it disappear with the sharp intake of breath when Elf continued and delivered the final nail on her coffin.
"I know that, Mama. Miss Lauren told me." He answered, staring at Camila as if she said something less than intelligent that she didn't know if she was supposed to laugh or reprimand him.
Or allow pride to inebriate her because it meant he felt secure enough to express his sentiments. And while Camila was still confused, Lauren was stuck bracing for the moment she came to grips with what Elf just divulged.
She held her breath, grimacing as she braced for what she thought was the inevitable.
But it didn't come.
"Oh, thank God." Camila's words poured along with the relieved sigh she exhaled. It was quickly erased when she found the confusion crumpling her fiancée's face, looking at her as if she'd lost her mind. "What? You're the child whisperer. I'd rather you deal with the tough stuff when he's this young. I'll be the cool mom." She lifted her chin and nudged her brows in an exaggerated display of conceit but Lauren could tell Camila was proud of herself.
The novelty of their situation hadn't worn off on Lauren even through the months they spent living together but it did keep her from bracing for a sharp turn or an unexpected road block that would lead to an inevitable crash. And if there was any, Camila was already there, keeping her safe and the only change she foresaw was their journey to be some sort of a tranquil complacency with frequent disturbances of excitement and utter bliss.
"You're actually the scary mom, Professor." Lauren smirked, enjoying the reaction she was getting – the giggles of the little boy and the sharp intake of breath as Camila's jaw dropped, mock offense written all over her face. "And I'm fine with this set-up as long as you handle puberty."
"What's puberty?" Elf asked, an adorable tilt to his curious head.
"It's when you don't want to be around us anymore because you're too cool for your parents." Camila explained, earning an acquiescent nod from Lauren while he looked even more skeptical than inquisitive, as if the idea was far-fetched, if not ludicrous. "How did you find out about Uncle Darnell and Mr. Claus?"
"They kiss a lot." His little hands quickly covered his gaped mouth, acting as though he'd uttered a well-kept secret, which he'd already shared with Dinah and Milo.
Most likely Pebble, too.
"We have a spy in our midst." Camila turned to Lauren with a sinister look in her eyes and the exaggerated movement of her mouth made her look comical Lauren couldn't help but laugh.
"You kiss a lot, too." He pointed an accusatory finger at the couple and this time, Camila purposely kissed Lauren with a loud, unmistakable smack. They completely missed the look of disgust but he perfectly enunciated it with one word. "Yuck."
"We are not 'yuck.' Can you believe this kid?" Camila turned to Lauren with such disbelief. She thought they were pretty adorable together. But soon, a scheming look riddled her eyes, the very one she shared with Lauren.
The couple grabbed the boy and pressed relentless slobbery kisses on his cheeks while her their hands poked and prodded at his midsection, leaving him in a fit of giggles.
"No!" He squealed, trying but failing to scramble away from his mothers. The thought warmed his insides and gave him a sense of security he'd been looking for. "Stop! Please!"
"Are we still 'yuck?'" Camila asked the boy, strewn on the floor, cheeks flushed and chest heaving. There was moisture clinging to his lashes and an insistent smile on his lips as he stared at the two women hovering above him. His eyelids were coaxed close when Lauren smoothed his unruly hair.
"Where's Auntie Milo?" Elf asked instead, swerving the question but he had the tact to look guilty even as his little hands covered his grinning lips to keep himself from laughing.
"She's outside with Auntie Dinah. You wanna go see if Auntie Milo is okay?"
"Okay." He pushed himself up to his feet but a glance at his mothers brought him back to their arms, his encapsulating both of them as he took comfort in the hands rubbing his back. "Love you."
"Love you, too." The couple retorted, having the same idea to squeeze him tighter.
In a flurry of love swirling in her chest, Camila glanced at Lauren on instinct. Because her entire being knew that if she had to define love, it would be her.
Elf scampered off to the door and the couple kept their watchful eyes on him until the boy called for Milo in an excited shriek, no trace of fear. Matilda was nowhere in sight. Otherwise, he'd have retreated back to them.
"What are you doing?" Lauren asked, allowing Camila to push her hands from her lap so she could lie down.
It was when she sobered from the shot of adrenaline and her motherly instincts that all the fight receded Camila's body, the gentle hand brushing her hair further coaxed all the tension away. She drew strength from Lauren's steady love and all she wanted to do was bask in it.
"I'm taking a nap and you are going to be my pillow. All this grown up shit is exhausting." She didn't give Lauren enough time to react to her cursing when she burrowed her face against her belly, an arm slung behind Lauren, holding her as if she was afraid she'd disappear. "I want brandy. I'm sure there's still some in here." She grimaced when Lauren's hand stilled but she wasn't letting her leave if she ever decided to. "But I'm trying this whole sobriety thing."
"Camila." Lauren's disappointment and fears were encapsulated in that one word, in her name that she exhaled in a heavy sigh and Camila couldn't say she didn't expect it.
"Can I be honest with you?" She adjusted to lay on her back, mustering all her strength to gaze into Lauren's anguished eyes.
"Always, babe."
"I really want to smoke right now." She admitted albeit knowing how much she was risking hurting Lauren but she was determined to include her in her struggles and let her choose to engage in it or allow Camila to navigate her way through it. She pushed herself upright, hoping the weight on her chest would ease but she felt her flimsy resolve rocked by the heavy, desperate thuds of her heart when Lauren kept her head low. "I don't know how it is for everyone but it cleared my head and calmed me down. I felt sane. And all I could think about as I was staring Matilda down was how I needed that."
"Please don't." It was a helpless plea, not even a demand and it gutted Camila like a rusty knife and she could feel its jagged edge slice her flesh.
"I won't. I just wanted you to know because you deserve to." She witnessed relief wash over Lauren and she took it as a sign that she was allowed to hold her. She lifted her chin up with a gentle finger and found a timid smile upon her lips, and for a different reason her heart ached. "Besides, if I ever lied, you could taste it when we kiss." Her joke was well received but Lauren chuckled while looking as though she was betraying herself.
"Yeah..." Lauren trailed off, nodding aimlessly and scrunching her nose. "It was a little disgusting."
Camila laughed more than the admission probably deserved but it gave her far too much reprieve and Lauren couldn't help but laugh with her. She distinctly remembered having the same sentiment when she first tasted it in Milo's mouth all those years ago but it was one of those things she couldn't bring up to avoid inciting jealousy in her fiancée.
"You never said anything!"
"And risk you getting mad at me? No, thanks." Lauren chuckled, shaking her head.
"I'd have quit for you though. You're why I quit." Camila admitted in a gentle, reverent whisper, resting her forehead against Lauren's.
It was a confirmation of what Luca told Lauren outside Camila's suite at the hospital. It felt new and exhilarating to joke about Camila's temper but knowing just how much she wanted to be better for her was just another one of Camila's profession of love for her.
In the darkness, she was Camila's beacon.
But Lauren loved her the same way and it was because of that that she cautioned her.
"You should do it for you though." She mumbled, her lips a hair's breadth from Camila's.
"I know. But you were the catalyst. Sometimes, it only takes that one person to make a change." Camila only tilted her head slightly to connect their lips in a brief kiss, completely stealing the air from her fiancée's lungs after that little confession. "You wanna hear about Matilda now?"
"Yeah, that would be nice." Lauren said after a quiet chuckle. She'd been dying to know but couldn't exactly prod with Elf in the room and as Camila huffed a heavy breath, it was only fitting to allow her to decide when she was comfortable speaking about it.
There was a shift in the energy in Camila when she pulled away, straightening her spine, squaring her shoulders. It was as if she wanted to physically distance herself from Lauren, to keep her from the whiplash of Matilda's strikes. But before she could drift away, Lauren held her hand and squeezed it, anchoring her.
Lauren listened intently as Camila tried to explain everything in detail and incorporated how she felt. She didn't miss her palpable disappointment in Luca and it was the only thing that matched the intensity of her anger. Matilda and every person she reminded Camila of had served as a thorn lodged in her throat, a dark cloud hovering over her head, an obstacle to her paved road. And Lauren watched the spell of rancor build like a giant wave, drawing strength from the receding tide and crashing over Camila until it evaporated in the bursting froth.
It saddened her that it took Camila more than a decade to openly express how she felt and to deal with the damage her own family had caused. The storm in her life had caused enough damage and its floodwaters had destroyed foundations of relationships. But something beautiful always emerges after the rain. And the woman before her was divine amongst the rubble and Lauren hadn't seen her aura as light as it was.
"It felt..." Camila trailed off with a heavy sigh, her head shaking.
"Cathartic?" Lauren offered earning a hum in affirmation.
"It was like..." A wrinkle formed between Camila's brows, her eyes dropping to Lauren's lap as she tried to conjure the right words that would define how she felt and the metaphor she thought of drew a laugh from Lauren. "Like sweating it all out. Now, I feel weird but light."
"Pretty odd analogy, babe."
"It works anyway. But for the first time, I don't have that urge to hurt them."
"I'm so proud of you." Lauren's smile beamed with more than pride, there was reprieve because after more than half of her life, Camila was finally free. "You think you can meet with your parents now?"
"Not in the near future." Camila answered with a shrug and the tension that squared her shoulders wasn't as tight and it was driven by longing. "I have to admit that I do miss them. I miss Sofi. But leaving was ultimately my fault and you're with me now. We're together. We're engaged, for crying out loud. We're engaged, babe!" She exclaimed as if she'd just realized it but they smiled at each other and that honeyed sense of satisfaction she'd anticipated as she quashed Matilda drenched her tongue.
There was nothing more beautiful than making the love of her life happy.
"And I'm not looking for their approval anymore. I realized that while Matilda was yelling at me. I was just angry at how people like them have such narrow minds for people who were brought up by 'good' families." She continued, spelling her disapproval with a quick eye roll. But her thoughts took a sharp turn and pricked a needle in her displeasure, and she deflated with a groan. "I need to apologize to Jette."
"Yeah, you do." Lauren's words were broken by the laughter shaking her shoulders. It felt good to laugh and it was liberating to laugh about something that would have forced Camila to isolate herself and selfishly deal with her troubles by herself in the past. "You were intense back there. I haven't seen Professor C in a while." She jested, punctuating it with a nudge of her brows.
"How is my misery amusing to you? There are ways to offer comfort to your anguished fiancée, babe. None of them includes laughing." Camila feigned offense and she fought to keep her lips pressed in a straight line as Lauren snored. "Thanks a lot, Miss Lauren. Our kid's going to need therapy and you're laughing at his mom. He's lucky his other mommy's a psychologist. An unprofessional psychologist." She stuck out her tongue in a final display of displeasure and her act crumbled completely as she thought of their son. "He called me 'Mama.' What is happening?"
"How do you feel?" Lauren asked instead of giving in to her amusement. Her fiancée was every bit of a mess, scatterbrained and she wondered if Ida would believe it if she were to witness the unraveling of what she considered an untouchable. The humanizing of a goddess at the thought of her son.
"It felt like my heart's been squeezed but my chest felt light at the same time. It feels really good." Camila glanced at Lauren, sensing some sort of appraisal muddled in her affectionate gaze. "Stop psychoanalyzing me." She grumbled without malice tainting her words.
"I wasn't."
"You were playing therapist."
"Professional, at least?" Lauren grinned like she was expecting nothing but an agreement.
"Yes. But wait 'til he starts calling you 'Mom,' you'll see."
"But I was playing your loving fiancée." She corrected, a finger tracing one of Camila's brow, dragging stray strands, tucking them behind her ear with her eyes intently following the movement. She was completely unaware of the trail of fire her skin left and the chill that shot up Camila's spine. "But hey, I'm his other mom. I have to make sure my family's all good."
"God. We're such a mess and we have our own family to screw up. But how'd he know about us? We've been careful."
"Not careful enough, apparently." Lauren resigned herself to what was the most plausible explanation, consciously keeping herself from laughing at the unhindered thoughts that Camila allowed to spill from her lips. She nudged their adjoined hands, bringing her wild brown eyes to her green ones. "We're not screwing anything up. We'll make sure he turns out nothing less than kind and resilient. And him knowing that whatever he does, wherever he goes, whatever he is, he is loved."
It was enough to appease Camila, allowing her to envision a future drenched in light, free of the shroud that darkened her path throughout her childhood. She figure that was the light in the long tunnel she'd walked, and she and Lauren would make sure their own son had a torch in the two of them through every bend and turn, and every rough terrain. The very thing she needed from her parents.
"Let's finish packing tomorrow. I just want to go home and hold you and Leslie unless he wants to pull that big boy stunt again. He can forget all about cuddling with us then." She delivered her joke in a drab, exhausted huff and Lauren could see she had every intention to just stay on the couch, encased in the arms of the woman she loved. "I still can't believe Milo's his mother. But at some point I can."
"Breathe, Camz." Lauren cupped her cheeks, her reminder dusted with a huff, a ghost of a laughter she swallowed. "I'm starting to worry about your thought process right now. You're all over the place."
"Why are you still smiling if you're so worried?"
"I can't help it! I found out Leslie approves of our relationship and you have just digested almost fifteen years' worth of baggage. It's like watching a lifetime worth of crisis unfurl in a matter of minutes." She grinned when Camila regarded her with a raised brow, looking on as if to ask if she'd heard her right. She swept her fingers from Camila's forehead to her chin, quite literally erasing that scrutinizing look. "Don't look at me like that. And like you said, we're engaged. I'm just really happy."
Awe sat heavy in Camila's heart, kneading her heart with the love she felt for Lauren. She wondered how the woman before her could love her as fiercely as she did despite what little Camila gave her. Despite the uncertainty and the confusion her sexuality brought her in high school. Despite the side of Camila's world conspiring against them.
Lauren was flawed. She was reckless, breaking into her parents' office just to issue a warning nobody had the audacity to spit despite clattering bones and quivering voice, and doing it again when she spoke to Alejandro after their mess of a reunion when they came home from college. But everything she did was driven by love so pure, she just wanted to cushion Camila's fall if her fall was inevitable.
With every new day she spent with Lauren, it reinforced the thought she'd had even in the beginning of their relationship. That was where she wanted to be for the rest of her life, to be where Lauren was. To cry with her. To fight with her. To sit next to her. To love her.
"When do I get to marry you?" She asked, her words carried by a reverent whisper.
"As soon as possible." Lauren watched a plan hatch in Camila's mind after what she'd said and her inkling was reinforced when she lifted her left hand to check the time. And the next thing she saw was a smirk bursting with mischievous intentions and eyes alight with excitement.
"Do you have an I.D. with you?" Camila's smirk grew into a delighted grin when Lauren nodded, but it dimmed slightly when she recalled something. "We could run to the city hall right now but it won't be the wedding of your dreams. Like I told you, I want the dresses, the flowers, the food – everything for you."
"The wedding I want has you in it. Holding my hands. Looking into my eyes. Making vows with me."
Camila's eyes narrowed with skepticism and she didn't know if she was supposed to be offended by the challenge in Lauren's answering smirk or burst with absolute joy.
"What are you waiting for, Cabello?" She rocked her brows and it was the force that made Camila push herself up and yank Lauren along with her to the door.
"Dinah!" Camila exclaimed, her voice bouncing along every smooth surface of the mansion.
"What?!" Dinah's voice preceded her and her thundering footsteps as she raced from the kitchen, appearing irritated enough that she could physically harm anyone and worried enough which would yield the same results. The very expression only she could pull it off.
"We need a witness!"