Author note: This chapter has been on my mind for a long time, and I must tell you it's not a happy one. This chapter slots into the story just after Chapter 67. Conner is such a mystery and I want to share that mystery with you.
Crescent's POV
I walk through the crowd, dodging people as I try and catch up with this certain person, damn he walks fast. He's weaving through the crowd, almost as if he knows someone is following him.
He rounds a sharp corner and it leads down a dimly lit corridor as he continues to stride down the hall, it looks like nothing is stopping him.
"Conner" My voice echo's down the corridor.
He stops. He probably knows its my voice and he's contemplating whether on not he should turn around. I wouldn't be surprised if he kept walking, if he didn't want to see my face ever again. I've broken the bad boy's heart.
And I'm sorry about it, but there's nothing I can do.
In this moment standing here, memories flash through my head, Conner was my life-long childhood crush. He was that boy, that all those love songs reminded me of, he'd be the boy I'd daydream in class about.
And he's so damn beautiful, like he honestly looks like he was carved by the gods themselves. He's a masterpiece, yet I don't think he is on the inside, there's something deeply wrong with him. Something inside of him that no one can fix.
That's the only think I've learnt about him during our months of dating.
He's like a living, breathing mystery.
When we were in a relationship, I forgot about all my curiosity that surrounded him. He made me feel like I knew him, when I never really knew him at all.
And now that we've broken up, I'm out his daze. I can see clearly again, clearer than before.
I used to think he was just mysterious and dangerous, but no there's something more to him. Something has deeply wounded him and you can see it when you look close enough into his icy blue eyes.
And I haven't helped him in any way. He loved me and I broke his heart.
Yet he still turns around.
Those cold, cold eyes warm up a little the second he sees me and something inside me breaks. He's waiting for me to say something but I don't even know what I want to say.
"I'm sorry" I blurt out, he only frowns at my apology.
"I never gave you a proper chance" I tell him honestly because even when I was with him, it was only ever Elliott, it was always meant to be Elliott.
"I feel... I feel like I've used you, Conner and I'm confused"
WhyMe? WhyMe? WhyMe?
I understand Elliott loving me, we're soulmates. Wherever he goes, I will always follow. It's like we're intwined together.
"You haven't done anything to me Crescent. What's wrong?"
"Conner I never understood you, you scare me and you confuse me" And I want to understand you, I want you to let me in, even after everything I've done to you.
You're not ok.
He just looks at me for a moment, I don't want Conner to hate me, I really don't. I may not have loved him but I felt something strong with him.
"That day I came to you're house when I was bleeding, I knew Daniel wasn't home. I was actually on my way home, but the second I saw your car parked outside you're house, I made the snap decision to have you help me"
"Why me?" I blurt out. I understand why Elliott chose me, I'd choose him too. In any lifetime.
"You remind me of myself Crescent"
Nothing has ever made less sense to me. Conner and I the same?
I shake my head still not understanding at all.
"You care about others like me, like I used to"
Conner doesn't care about anything, yes he has friends and he has a family but caring... Conner Ryder cares about nothing.
When he takes a step closer to me, I want to take a step back.
"You don't need to be scared of me"
I know I don't, I'm scared of the truth, Conner Ryder's truth. I'm terrified of what went so wrong for him.
Because Conner's life looks perfect. The perfect family, the perfect group of friends and he has a career in football mapped out for him.
"Would you do anything for Daniel?" He asks. I nod, I would protect my brother in a heart beat without a doubt, even if it included forfeiting my own life.
His brings his lips close to my ear, for a minute he's just breathing close to me.
"But Daniel wouldn't do the same for you" The words are cold and hurtful, but also very true.
And with that Conner Ryder, the school's bad boy, one of the most feared people I know, whispers his darkest secret in to my ear.
He whispers a story to me, everything about Conner is harsh, his cheekbones, his eyes, even his smile but yet he whispers this cruel story so softly.
The room is so warm, but I've never felt so cold. I move my face away from Conner and look in to his cold blue eyes. Maybe Conner's eyes used to be warm, maybe a long time ago Conner could smile from his heart.
I can never understand his secret, but in a way I'm one of the only people who can.
"I'm so sorry" Is all I can say.
Will there ever be anyone that can fix this sad beautiful boy?
"Protect what you love Crescent Dawson, you never know when you're going to lose it"
***
Conner's POV
I have three siblings, my sister, and the twins. Now I might not seem like the kind guy to care about his family, but I do. Three siblings and two parents.
So that's my family, mom, dad, my sister, and the twins... but I can never forget about Hannah.
Hannah was a dancer, who's passion was music. She had the voice of an angel, she believed words create a story and she loved to dance to that. I don't think Hannah could spell you the days of the week. She didn't care and she would say "Remember there might not be a tomorrow Con, and I don't want to waste a single moment of my life"
She's right, though I could never admit it to her. We sit in school everyday learning irrelevant subjects like Math or English, or French. Subjects that teach you nothing about the real world.
She saw life in a different way, she saw colour in everything, could turn any bad situation around. She saw hope in life.
Then there was me. I was quiet, I still am. It's like I see life in black and white, most of the time there's no hope. Everyday we just live and endure till the day we die.
She was a free soul, always doing what she wanted, always getting her own way. A few words from her and she would have you under her spell. I guess I was under her spell too, anything she wanted I'd do it. Anything she wanted I'd give it to her.
I was darkness but nothing could dim the light that shone from her. She was a crystal, blinding everyone in her path. She made me a better person.
I'm not going to lie her biggest flaw was that she would do certain things and never comprehend the consequences. She didn't believe in consequences.
When Hannah was 10 she moved to New York to attend one of the greatest dance schools in the world. Hannah was 10 when she was ripped away from me.
But that didn't stop us from being closer than ever, it's not like I didn't see her either, every Christmas and summer she'd come home. Every single one of her birthdays we would visit her. And when I was old enough I would just go to visit her, but she wouldn't visit me.
Growing up a big part of me was missing when she was in New York, how could I be myself when the person that knew me best was never around. So I became quiet, I became closed off. Not wanting to let anyone in, I mean if I let anyone in, they'd obviously leave.
Then there was our Friday afternoon's. Every Friday she would call me and tell me the story of her week. How she punched someone, or spilt yogurt over their head. Or some weeks she's explain how hard it was to dance.
Nonetheless every week was the same, she never stopped calling me.
It wasn't until her 14th Christmas things changed. On Christmas Eve Hannah called home stating that she wasn't coming home for Christmas.
Mom was outraged, she stole the phone from me and began screaming at Hannah, telling her she needs to come home and that she doesn't have any other choice. That coming home was part of the deal, they made when they allowed her to stay in New York. But Hannah didn't come home that Christmas and we didn't know why.
From then on Hannah never visited us, we only visited her. Hannah would still call me every week. On a Friday, she'd explain her stories to me and make everything sound more exciting than it probably actually was.
On her 15th Christmas we were notified of her moving out the academy, as she'd found residence somewhere else. It was dad who was outrages this time.
It almost felt like my parent didn't care enough about Hannah, that the amount of freedom she received was killing her. It was almost like they'd let go of her.
At this point Hannah began finically struggling, she never asked for a penny from me but I made sure I gathered every dime I owned and sent it to her. It was the money I'd saved for football camp, I told her it was mom and dad who had sent it.
It was her 16th Christmas when we got a letter through the post ''We are very disappointed for Hannah's sudden dropout at our academy..."
For a moment we were all shocked in to silence, dancing was Hannah's life, it was her dream.
Soon enough Mom and Dad had their phones in their hands and were calling the academy and Hannah. My parents initial concern was all the money that had been wasted on her dancing all these years.
When I finally got a hold of a phone to her, I only had one question.
"Why Hannah?" I asked her. "I don't know Con" Was her only reply.
We later found out why, well I found out why.
Mom and dad decided they'd let her fend for herself and see how long she would last. They would do nothing to help her and they wanted her to crawl back for help, but Hannah's not the sort of person to apologise.
Their reaction sent me in to a meltdown, Hannah was out there alone.
Without letting anyone know, the following morning I got the first flight to New York. I had to know why? I had to know she wasn't in any trouble. That no one was forcing her to leave dancing, no one was hurting her.
I was at her door in no time, only to find it unlocked. That wasn't unlike Hannah though, she was clumsy about things like this. And I have to admit I did knock but there was no answer.
So I walked inside.
I walked around not finding her anywhere, my heart was pounding though my veins. She's, ok I had to keep reminding myself.
I placed my hand on her bedroom door, I know I shouldn't be walking in there unannounced, but I do.
Hannah was having sex with someone.
"Fuck" I swore slamming the bedroom door shut, bile rising in my throat. I was traumatised to say the least.
We laughed about it though, a year from then, she found it funny, but at the time she was not happy.
"Shit Conner what are you doing here?" She asked me, crossing her arms, well I'm glad she has a top on now.
"Who was that?" I ask.
She looks at me, her mind calculating something for a long moment.
"My boyfriend"
It was Jason 'the love of her life', a guy she'd met in a club when she was severely underage. He was 2 years older than her but Hannah looked the part she looked a lot older than she was, but she had the personality of a child.
He was blonde haired with these odd looking green eyes, he looked like some sort of pretty boy from a magazine.
The stranger left without word, and Hannah sat me down and began explaining everything from start to finish.
By the end I was ready to slam my fist into a wall.
"You dropped out for this? Hannah do you want this life" I question her.
"I love him Con, I'd do anything for him"
"You're ruining your life, you are actually ruining your life Hannah. So many people are going to be after you. You will never be able to live a normal life. Do you know what you will have to do?" I shout at her.
"I know Conner but I love him. I'd do anything for him"
"You'd do anything for him, but what about me. I'm asking you not to do this. I have never asked anything from you before. Never. And I'm asking you not to do this"
"No"
And that was that.
We ended up fighting for over an hour, I think I smashed a glass, she broke about three plates and it ended with me slamming out the apartment.
I didn't like the idea of some stranger fucking Hannah, I didn't like the idea that she was doing nothing with her life. But they weren't the problem.
From Jason came her involvement with that gang.
The second she told me about them, my mind clicked, I'd heard of this specific New York gang before. The gang leader being Evan Anders
Around this time Elliott and Daniel joined Aaron's gang, they had become fully fledged members, no more were they training to be a part of it. They were becoming the heart of it.
Aaron and Evan were deadly rivals.
*
I ignored Hannah'a calls for one week, then another. By week 3 I had at least a couple of hundred texts from her, I could barley keep with with them.
On the third Friday I answered her call. And she cried and apologised to me for being the way she was. Hannah doesn't apologise but she did.
She waited for my answer.
"Hannah how are you going to benefit this gang? Are you going to pirouette you're enemies to death?"
She laughed at that.
From then on she'd end every phone call with "I miss you so much Con, everyday I wish you were here with me"
And I'd always reply "Then come home Hannah"
"I can't, I don't belong there and ..."
"And there's Jason" I'd finish her sentence her.
I think Jason could have been the love of her life. They really did love each other a lot, and they didn't look half bad together. But Jason had a lot of baggage with him. He was trouble, and he was dragging Hannah deeper with him. In a way I think he was suffocating her, he's go out and murder people, causing Hannah serious anxiety. Though she'd never admit it to anyone but me.
She began living in constant fear for him, as she began drowning deeper in to the gang. Getting closer to Evan.
*
On the night of her 17th birthday, a light haired girl showed up on my doorstep holding a tiny cake with two candles in it. On the cake there were two messy name sprawled on it.
She beamed a smile as I opened the door but I could only stare back in shock. The candle light dancing in her blue eyes.
"Make a wish Con, you'll never know how many we have left"
Let Hannah come back home.
She asks me to come on a walk with her.
I keep my hands stuff in my pockets, as I walk alongside her.
"Your hair" I state breaking the silence. She brushes her fingertips on the ends of it. She looks so different yet the same. She's changing so much that it scares me. It's like she's going ahead, and I'm falling behind.
"Do you like it?" She turns to look at me, the need for approval is vibrant in her eyes.
"It's different" I dryly state. She frowns at me.
"It's nice ... Blondie" The name just rolls off my tongue and it makes Hannah laugh.
"It's all the same yet so different" She shakes her head looking at the place she's grown up. "You look different"
She doesn't say whether its' a good different or bad. Probably bad, I'm drowning in worry for her. Sometimes Elliott and Daniel explain to me how Aaron managed to assassinate someone from Evan's gang. Terror would run though me. Sometimes's I'd sit there and wait from them to tell me that a girl with dark hair was killed by the hands of Aaron. Or if it was any of my luck it would be Elliott or Daniel that killed her.
Now at that point Alec, Aidan and Carter were all a part of Aaron's gang, and I was aware that Aaron had his sights set on me.
"Look at all this muscle you've gained" She giggles, as she shoves me. I shove her straight back.
"Who knew kicking a ball around could make you fit. I shit you not Con all my friend are in love with you. I mean who wouldn't fall in love with a star football player like you"
Hannah was obsessed with Football and me.
"He's going to be a football legend" Hannah told people when she introduced me. I mean I played football, but I didn't want it to be a career choice,
I was never the quarterback in high school, I was the team captain. The team captain can also be the quarterback but that was Elliott's position and he was good at it.
Hannah and Elliott had never formally met, but she knew of him and she hated him. She explained it was that look on his face.
"So is there a special someone" She asks, giving me her annoying smirk.
Sure of course there would be someone if I wasn't busy worrying about you all the time.
"Don't start on this again Blondie"
"I think that Crescent girl is proper pretty. You know the twin of Daniel Dawson. I swear down if I didn't have Jason, I would be on that boy. It's so unfair how does he get to walk around looking so good, I still don't understand why he hangs out with that idiot, Elliott"
"Dump Jason and I swear, I will get Daniel and you married in the space of a week"
She doesn't laugh at that, and it's gone too quiet, the only sound is the wind howling through the street.
"Are you ever coming back Hannah?" I ask her, my tone cold. It's not my tone of voice that's cold anymore, there's just no warmth left inside me.
"You know there's Jason..."
"It's fine, I know it will always be Jason over me, actually it will be anyone over me"
She stops walking and turns to me.
"Conner don't be like this"
"Be like what? Hannah, you're part of one of the most dangerous gangs in New York, do you know how much I worry about you. How I'd do anything for you. Anytime you ask anything of me I do it, and all I ask you is to be safe?"
"Conner where is all this coming from?"
"Elliott told me story of how a girl had assassinated someone, and now Elliott's cousin Aaron is curious. The girl's name was associated with the letter H"
Hannah's face pales, I wish it wasn't true but now I know my suspicious are correct.
"Conner" She breathes softly.
"Hannah" I snap at her. There is so much rage inside me for her, I hate her so much.
"Do you know I sit here and wait for the phone call everyday, telling me you're dead. Or will I not even find out will I have to search the streets of New York for you're body"
She looks hurts by my last comment. We stand under a streetlight, and I get a closer at her face. There's a fading bruise on her cheek, and one on her jaw.
I grab her face examining the bruise.
"Who did this?" My voice comes out as a whisper, all my anger at her withering away. That anger is now replaced by my anger at the stranger who's hurt her.
"It's nothing Conner" She brushes over the topic.
"Tell me who, who the fucking bastard is that hurt you" I growl at her.
"Im fine, I'm perfect" She laughs my anger off, as she links her arm with me forcing me to walk with her.
But I stop, and hold on to both her forearms.
"You're not okay, not this time" I can see it in her eyes. Her bottom lip quivers slightly but she tries to mask it with a smile.
"Tell me, Hannah, I'm here, I'm always here"
She shakes her head, her smile breaking.
"There's no one you can trust more than me"
She burst in to tears, and it honestly breaks my heart, I pull her close in to a hug and let her cry.
I never pry too deeply I'm afraid if I do I'll lose her
"Evan says I can do anything, hurt anyone but I can't Con, I'm weak. I killed that person and I hate myself for it, Jason does it so easily." She cries.
She pulls away "When people die they don't come back, Conner they are gone. Just like that"
She's shaking with terror.
"What if Jason dies. What if someone finds out about you and kills you"
I grab her arms "Don't worry about Jason or me. Keep yourself safe Hannah, you have to live you know that, you can't crumble. Because if you die I die too"
"You chose this life Hannah, and you can do this you can survive it all, and don't forget I will always be here for you, no matter what you do. And if you ever need to get away, I will always be there behind you"
She dries her tears and only nods.
I pull a small box from inside my joggies pocket and hand it to her
She holds the box in her hand, like it might smash "Dior?" She gasps.
"I hate you but I can't really hate you" I tell her, she gives me her iconic smile though her glassy teary eyes.
She opens it carefully, stopping once she's opened the box. "I was going to give it to you the next time I came to New York"
It's the most smaller finest necklace.
"It's pink Quartz, or so she told me. I think that's what she said anyway"
"I can't accept this Con. I can't"
There's currently a giant hole, in my bank account and I'm probably going to have to work harder at my part time mechanic job but something made me buy it for her. Maybe I knew what would happen before. Maybe I had a feeling.
"Chuck it in the bin then if you don't want it"
She gasps at my words clutching it close to her chest.
"It's like dad used to say, you're crystal and I'm coal. It's just unfortunate that you don't have a bag of coal for me this year"
She bursts in to laughter at that, and soon I'm laughing too.
"Come inside" I tell her referring to our house.
She shakes her head giving me a sad smile.
"It's not my home anymore Con, and I don't want to scare your siblings, I'm a ghost to them now. Someone out of a fairytale"
It's true, it's like everyone's forgotten about Hannah.
"You're not a ghost" I tell her.
"Here in this state, around these people I am, I'm a memory here"
"You're everything to me" I whisper.
"You're more than that for me" Hannah tells me as she gently places a kiss on my cheek.
"Why do you have to make this so hard" I ask her.
"It's meant to be this way"
I use one last breath to ask her the same question I ask her everyday.
"Come back to me Hannah"
"I'm only a plane ride away Conner, I'll be in New York forever"
I turn around, I don't wave goodbye to her, I don't want to let her see my heart break.
*
It's been a few months since her birthday, and nothing much has changed, Hannah and I haven't seen each other since that day. For some reason lately I've been feeling better, less worried.
This was the Friday before it occurred, I'd missed her call, I was out with Elliott and the guys that night, I'd just forgotten that she always calls.
So I called her on Saturday morning while I was severely hungover.
"Hello Conner, oh my god Conner" She shouts in to the phone.
"Conner where were you I though something happened to you, you never miss our call" And with that she burst in to tears. The only thing I could do on the other side of the phone was roll my eyes. She's so overdramatic. And if she cared about me that much she would come and visit.
"Well I'm not dead yet"
She begins swearing in to the phone, she really is one of those psycho girls.
"Whatever Hannah, oh and I'm coming over on Friday" I take the phone away from my ear, the second I say those words, as I already know she's going to scream in to the phone.
"NO WAY ARE YOU, don't you have school there? Wait who cares about school, I can't wait to see you"
Her excitement makes me smile,
Her voice drops to a low whisper "Remember we'll meeting at the place, things aren't that safe"
I frown "Less safe than usual"
"Just a bit"
"I'll talk to you later then, my head is killing me" I tell her, I don't even wait for her to say goodbye and as I turn off the phone.
*
I think back to the day it all happened.
I walk along the cold bridge of New York, and take a sharp right and walk down the dark tunnel, my hands are stuffed in my leather jacket.
I take another left and duck down as I walk down the narrow steps.
I wonder if she's still blonde, it's become my nickname for her now. I'm so wrapped in my own thought that it takes me a long moment to see what's going on.
I see people up ahead and realise that something is wrong. Seriously wrong.
There are 3 men holding down a blonde haired girl, while another stands in front of her. I'm running.
I'm going so fast that I'm nearly tripping over my feet.
A hand comes up and strikes the girl across the face.
"Hannah" I scream, my voice is blood curdling.
I'llSaveYou. I'llProtectYou. It'sMyResponsibly
And I'm flat out running "Hannah" I scream, but someone catches me before I catch her.
*
My initial thoughts are that I can't breathe, and I can't talk. There's something over my mouth, not even a whisper being able to exit my lips.
I crack my eyes open, my head is swirling, I realise I'm in some sort of abandoned basement, and my arms are being held back by two men.
I look ahead and my whole body goes in to shock.
Two people are on their knees both being held back by two men each.
Hannah and Jason.
And in front of them stands the blonde haired guy who I'm guessing to be Evan.
No, no this isn't happening.
My eyes are on Hannah, but her eyes are on Evan. There isn't a tear on her face. Her expression is stone cold, she looks unbreakable, yet so fragile at the same time.
She has a split lip and goes on to spit blood on to the floor. I try struggling against the grip of these men but there's no use, I'm stuck.
Hannah's eyes suddenly land on me and her blue eyes flare with rage.
"You" She shouts, fighting with the grip of the guys who are holding her. Like if she got her hands on me she would kill me.
"You've done this Conner, you've always hated Jason and me being together. You're angry I left mom and dad. You ratted me out, you told them where I'd be tonight" She screams.
I'm shocked, I'm fully unable to comprehend what just happened. I can't even shake my head in signal of no, as one of the guys has his hand at my neck.
"Conner came to me, asking me to release you from the gang. He asked me to have Jason taken away from you, have Jason break you're heart so you'd go running back to him" Evan lies.
He turns to me giving me a cunning smile, oh he knows I'm friend with Elliott and Daniel. He knows fine well. He's trying to send a message to Aaron.
"But how could I let go of you Hannah, you're a prize" Evan runs a finger over her face, she trembles.
"Why wouldn't you be my prize though Hannah, why do you always deny me what I want" He shakes his head at her and I realise that he's made advances on her, I can just see it in Hannah's face.
And if I was free right now, I'd strangle I'm, I'd tear him to shreds.
"I will never be with you" She spits at him.
"Such a pity" Evan sigh and stabs Jason through the heart.
It just happens so fast, that it takes a long moment to understand what just happened.
Her scream will haunt me forever. Her scream will be the only sound I ever hear.
My eyes are on Hannah, as she melts to her knees and sobs. Her cries fill the room and it's paining me. She tries to get close to the person she has loved for nearly 2 years but they don't let her.
I'm trying to fight out the grip of these men
"Oh Hannah we could have done so much together you and I but you disobeyed me" Evan holds her face in his hand. I'm fighting and shaking.
Hannah
No...
"I'll never forgive you Conner, not for this" She cries. "You were meant to be my everything, I trusted you"
"Hannah" I scream the word in to my head.
Hannah, it's not true, I'd kill myself before I put you in harms way.
Tears fall down her cheek, like all hope is gone.
Both the men from Jason's dead body, come to hold me back, I nearly make to to my feet but they slam me back down, my spine feels like it's breaking.
She looks so pale and so scared. Almost like her gaze is begging me to help her, but I can't I can't.
She looked so small at that exact moment
"Hannah" I try and scream again, but no noise.
Hannah. I love you. You're my best friend and I can't live without you. I know I could have done more in my life to help you. I know could have been more understanding of your and Jason's relationship.
Silent tears roll down her cheek, as her bottom lip trembles.
"Just let me touch him one last time" She refers to Jason.
I have no one if I don't have you Hannah.
Evans takes a clean blade from the table across the room.
"I'll do anything for you, be whoever you want me to be" She pleads.
Evan just shakes his head, a small smile on his face.
"Don't hurt him, don't hurt my Conner" Her voice is the ghost of a whisper, she doesn't look at me as she refers to me. She hates me.
A punch is slammed in to my back and for a second I can't breathe, then another in my chest. Before I can attempt to get air to my lungs I'm back to being held on my knees. I want to cough up blood, but I choke it back down for Hannah's sake.
Uncontrollable tears run down Hannah's face, as she sees what just happened.
You hate me.
I used to believe there was nothing we could have done to make each other hate one another but at this crucial moment in my history she hates me. She may as-well stab me herself, it would be less painful than her hate.
Please
He stands behind her.
In these final moment all I can see is that day on the swings, one day from when we were 9. Before Hannah went to dancing school, before she was part of a gang, before she had blonde hair.
A memory flashed before me, as I wore a daisy chain on my head that she made for me.
"Why are you so sad Conner?" The 9 year old Hannah had asked me.
"Because you don't want to go to school with me anymore, you don't like me. You hate me." I whisper to her.
She gasps placing a handover her mouth "Never. I could never hate you Conner, I love you"
"Yuck" I tell her "Love's only for adults"
"Well I love you"
"Then stay with me"
"Wherever I go we'll always be us. We'll be with each other forever, we started together so why would I ever really leave you"
Evan lifts the knife, as a tear rolls down my check. I'm still fighting but there's no hope.
I love you more than anyone Hannah.
ISTILLNEEDYOU. I STILL NEED YOU HANNAH.
"Conner..." The knife goes through her heart.
Her face is lit with shock, both men let go of her. Her mouth is open and as she places her hands over her heart. Blood runs in to her fingers.
I shout so loud you can hear it through the gag. Her head snaps in my direction, I can hear her shallow breathing, and she falls to the ground, her head knocking off the floor.
Ripples of pain run though me, it feels like it's my heart bleeding not hers.
Suddenly I'm being hit from all corners, but I can't feel it. I've lost everything inside me, I feel nothing.
Once they've beat me nearly to death, they leave, they just leave.
I have to crawl to Hannah, drag my body.
"Hannah" I cry, all this time I've been screaming her name but now I can barely whisper it. I'm too late. I place my hands over the hole in her chest trying to stop the blood loss but I can't.
I pull her body in to my lap, as I cradle her. "Please Hannah, you promised. That was you're promise if you left. You told me you'd never really leave me"
I'm trembling, I need to find help but I can't let go.
ICantLetGo.
I've never cried, I didn't know what tears felt like till now.
"Hannah please, I'll move to New York with you"
I place my hand on her cheek, she isn't smiling. Hannah always smiles. She will never dance again.
"Take me back, take me back to when we were 10, and I'll move to New York with you" I shout, my voice breaking.
"Take me back to the start"
"I was only ever here to protect you"
*
There isn't a day that goes past where I don't think about Hannah, how could someone so full of life just die. How could such a bright spark go out.
"When people die they don't come back, Conner they are gone. Just like that"
That's what she told me on her 17th birthday.
On Friday's I still sometimes sit there and wait for the phone to ring. I wait for her loud laughter to come though the screen and add colour to my life that has become so dull.
She was colour and I was darkness and when she died she took all the colour leaving me with nothing. She was a crystal in my darkness.
I've learned to live with her death, but I think in order to move forward I've had to lose myself. I'll never know who she would have been and I'll never know who I'll be.
It's not that fact that Hannah died and it's not the fact that she was murdered. It's because I was there and I relive that day every moment everyday of my life. Sometimes consumes me I don't know if I'm in reality or if I'm there in that room again.
I don't remember being taken way from the basement, my closest memory was her funeral. I had her hair dyed back to brown.
Mom and dad showed up, even when I told them that they weren't welcome.
After the funeral, I went straight to Aaron, I'd heard about him from Daniel and Elliott. Aaron might be a bastard but him and I came to an understanding.
I'd do anything until my deed was done, it has to be less than a year, and once it's done I cut all ties with Aaron. It was a fair deal.
I explained to Aaron that I wanted to avenge someone's death, and I would do anything in return. I used that specific word, I would do anything.
And I done anything, drug runs, deals with other gangs, soon my face was know among the darkest parts of Los Angles. I had only one goal, avenge Hannah's death. I was no assassin but I held back people as Aaron shot them.
My name became a whisper around the school, I wasn't just the mystery guy anymore, I became the guy you are told to be afraid of.
Would anyone ever believe it was all just for one girl?
I believe it was around this time my addiction came along. It was the only way I could live, I was dying. I was putting on a cold solid front but on the inside I was melting.
And then came the time Aaron pulled me into his office explaining how he will have all the men killed who were in that room that day. I'd given him a detailed description of all the men in the room and Aaron had finally tracked him down.
I remember Aaron stopping to look at me "I can have all of them assassinated for you"
I nod that's the deal.
"You never told me who he killed?"
"It's not important" I reply. I can't say name out loud.
"Did you love him?"
I nearly choke.
"I'm not into guys" I blurt out, hiding a tiny smile.
"Evan... You can be the one to kill him Conner. You can pull the trigger"
It's like a sudden rush of electricity runs through my veins, I never considered murdering them myself but now. It's all I want to do, I want to see the fear in his face as he knows he's gonna die, the same fear that was on Hannah's innocent face.
"When" I ask.
"Tonight"
*
Some people say revenge doesn't work, it doesn't help soothe the pain. But it did for me, it was like I've been burning all this time and when I pulled the trigger, I had cold water poured over me. The burns will leave scars but maybe I'll be able to survive after all.
It was one night that something changed in me, I was slowly becoming addicted to drugs that I shouldn't have even had possession of. Alcohol was never strong enough to numb out the pain.
I was standing in Daniel's house, not even being able to stand straight.
I turned around, knowing I really needed to pee, but not knowing how the hell I was gonna get up these moving stairs. Have they always been moving?
I saw her, she looked like a bright light in my colourless world, she had a nervous look on her face, as though she wasn't comfortable in her skin. She was nervous. She reminded me of a crystal just like Hannah, something to bright and breathtaking.
"You look good" I state out loud. She looks shocked at the fact that I'm talking to her, it makes me smile slightly.
She's Crescent, Daniel's twin. The twin he has but doesn't care enough about it. Even a fool can see that she cares more for him than he ever will for her.
"Thanks and I like you're suit, not that I would ever wear it. It brings out the grey in your eyes" She stammers.
"You're Daniel's sister Crystal right?"
Fuck I'm so high right now.
Something falls in her face, is it cause I called her a crystal. Crystals are so beautiful, my best friend was a crystal. Or that's what dad called her anyway.
"No Crescent"
But I already know that?
"Well it's nice talking to you" I tell her, because I really really have to pee, and looking at her is hurting me. She reminds me of Hannah but she's nothing like Hannah.
I find myself in one of the downstairs bedrooms after the bathroom, someone comes in and shuts the door. I hear their footsteps but don't even attempt to open my eyes. I'm so at peace, I feel nothing.
Someone grabs my face and when I open my eyes Elliott's glaring at me.
"Fucking hell man, what have you taken" Elliott asks me.
No, I want to see anyone but him. He knows, Elliott knows briefly the story Hannah. He was in New York at the time with his father, and her death made big news there. His father actually stepped in to tune down the press.
Except Elliott told no one, he told no one that he knew the reason why I finally became a part of Aaron's gang. He was just there for me.
"Conner drugs won't bring her back, what would she think seeing you like this"
"Who cares, she's dead?"
"If you loved her you wouldn't do this to yourself. You're killing yourself and you can't keep filling that empty hole inside you with drugs"
"What if I don't want to live without her''
Elliott grabs my face "Listen here mate, you don't say that, you will get through this. All of us boys will be here for you"
Not long after that I did manage to sober up, I couldn't have done it without the boys, even though none of them knew except Elliott. They were all clueless but all still there for me.
And I would stare at that girl from afar. The girl that belonged to Elliott, a girl that reminded me of someone so special to me.
Now the she's gone, I realised I didn't appreciate her enough. No one did, she was too good for this world.
*
Hannah was my twin sister, I was Hannah's twin brother.
I place a small bunch of roses on her grave, my 17th birthday wish came true. Hannah came back home, I made sure she was buried here close to home and far away from New York. Life's funny like that.
I wonder sometimes, if I could have done more to save her that day, would I have fought those guys harder, could I have shouted louder, could I have forced her to stay when we were 10.
When she was killed, it left a hole in my heart too, no one can see the hole, so therefore they think I'm ok
I still live in the moment she died.
"Something weird happened today" I tell the grave stone.
"I got in to medical school"
I didn't tell anyone I applied but I did, it was a weird dream of mine as a kid, I did it just for old time sakes. Also because the school were forcing me to apply for something so I said medicine.
"Then this afternoon, I got a call from that football club, yes the one you loved, the one we watched as kids. Hannah they want look at training me"
"Wasn't that your dream for me?"
I pull the acceptance letter for medicine out my pocket, and read it over and over again.
I tear it to shreds, tearing every inch of it, every corner till its's dust.
I take my phone out my pocket, unlocking it, scanning over the contacts.
"I'm ready to join the club" And I press send, then placing my phone in back into my pocket.
I stand there looking at the grave, my eyes stare a the word twin. I refused to have it put on but mom and dad must have known how important it would have been to me to have those words there.
"Would you be proud of me Hannah?"
"Do you really hate me? Could I have done more to save you?"
I walk away already knowing I'll be back the next Friday at the exact same time as our phone calls asking the unresponsive grave stone the same questions.
***
Crescent's POV.
I walk around feeling numb, my thoughts are a haze, I understand Conner but I don't understand him at all.
I see a few people drinking and laughing in the corner and I find my legs walking in that direction. Elliott gives me a weird look, he knows something is up.
But it's not Elliott I'm walking towards, I stand in front of the person, he looks up at me, before he can speak I've wrapped my arms around him.
I cling on to my brother, and silently cry.
"Hey what's wrong with you" Daniel asks.
I just shake my head silently, and just stay like that for a minute, I feel Elliott put a hand on my shoulder.
"I love you Daniel" I tell my twin brother. "And you could do anything wrong and I still wouldn't be able to hate you"
"Crescent..."
But I hug him tighter "Do you love me too?"
"More than anything" He whispers to me. Except Elliott, those words hang in the air.
Conner might believe that his twin hated him in her final moment but I know that you can never hate you're twin. It's a default best friend for life. It's someone who will always have you're back.
And to lose them, it would be like losing yourself.
To watch anyone die the way Hannah was killed is soul shattering, but to see it happen to your twin?
Well I can't think of anything that can ruin you more. Maybe Conner was better off as a mystery because his story will haunt me forever.
Author note: So what do you think? Do you understand Conner now? Has your opinions towards him changed? I' m not gonna lie writing this chapter broke my heart. Also it's 8,000 words long wtf.
How shocked are you that Conner has a twin? Also what do you think of Hannah.
Some people asked me what would happen to Conner, you know when Cress found Elliott in the afterlife. I believe Conner would find Hannah. Sometime you don't need to romantically love someone, sometime all you need is you're best friend.