I hear the doorbell , I don't want to open it and face anyone right now but my hands itself goes over to my face and wipe every tear from my face and open the door to the strange world outside . How ??
Of course it is him . Shawn. And suddenly every cell of my body starts to respond.
" What do you want Shawn ?" I asked in a shaky voice , my hands were trembling and my eyes were all red yet here I opened the door to one thing that consumes every ounce of energy in me .
" Look I'm not interested in doing projects things but it is important to me when it comes to music so can we just work on that " he said putting his hands in his pocket.
" Shawn don't worry about the project please , I will do it or we can do some other day but not today. I'm not in a condition to do " I said and I realised the more I talked the more my heart sank and the more my voice became shaky and suddenly tears come out .
" Come on - wait but are you crying " he asked as a tear dropped on my cheeks .
" Shawn leave me alone please . I said I'm not in a condition to . " I said .
" Okay well I don't care but I am bored" he said casually , how can he be like that so cruel.
" Well I don't fucking care about it but the door is open do whatever the fuck you can do here. But leave me alone " I said and kept the door opened for him and went towards the stairs.
" Where are you going ? " He asked as he closed the door.
" Shawn ... What part of leave me alone.. do you not get ! I said leave me fucking alone . I don't need someone to bug me and constantly ask me " I said with tears flowing more rapidly. No matter how much I say I want someone to console me and bug me and keep on asking me .
" You definitely need someone then , I can ... " I cut him off
" LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE " I practically yelled and ran to my room .
I rush inside my room slamming the door and sitting on the bed.
" What the fuck is your problem ? " He yells as soon as he slams the door behind him as he enter my room.
" A lot actually and you are adding one problem to already existing ones " I replied crying.
" No i mean what the hell is wrong. You always do that run out of fucking conversation and then pretend like nothing happened . Like what the fuck. Learn to talk not run you idiot " anger can be seen in his eyes but what the hell is he angry about.
" You know what I don't have fucking capacity to talk to you , you get that . You're making me consume the only ounce of energy I have. So please leave me the fuck alone " I stood up and yelled and pointed him to get out.
" No I ain't . Not until you fucking get the meaning of talking " he shouts
" Fine you want me to talk , you want to know so listen you wouldn't fucking know it how it feels , how pain feels and how the past keeps making way to you and how dreaded past haunts me cause you never know how it feels to know that you're fucking adopted , to know that you were fucking raped and many other different things because you were always like that ..and you . Leave it. This cannot happen to you so how would you know " and I stopped yelling.
" Oh so you think life was easy for me" he asked astonished
" Obviously !! " I remarked
" Oh so you think you are the only one who here have a dreadful past and has been through things . Do you have any fucking idea what it is to have your girlfriend get raped just in front of you and being a guy get yourself raped . You .." and he stopped yelling. My anger turned into sympathy .
I didn't know how to respond to that.
He turned around so quick and started running down the stairs .
" Shawn wait I'm sorry. I didn't mean ... "
" You shut the hell up . How could you provoke me . You made me spill my past out once again . For fucks sake stay away . And don't you fucking dare to tell it anyone " he practically yelled and left and before I could stop him he already sat in his car and left .
I sit down at the stair having the cold air from outside to slap me at my face. I never felt this bad about myself but suddenly I do and even if it's not my fault I believe it's mine , I shouldn't had done that . Now my heart aches for all other different one along with mine.
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Hi . After many days . I started with my exams so I'm procrastinating the updates .