He wants to hate him. He wants to see him the way everyone else saw him — rude, smart ass, hopeless, and everything else that made him pay more attention to him. At first he thought it was just so he can beware of him, beware of his rising grades that threatened his spot as top of the class and his attitude that was said to match his, but now he knows it's because of something else. It's something a lot less like rivalry and hate, and something a lot more like infatuation.
How could a boy be as pretty as Michael? It didn't make any sense to him and he worked out the numbers and expressions. How could he be so rough on the edges but also so soft? How could someone so bad look so good? How can someone be so feared when no one even knew who he was besides for a name and a reputation?
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair.
He didn't even know him, so why was he so invested in him? Why couldn't he just let it all go? He doesn't want to like him, and doesn't want to spend so much time with him on his head, but he's so enticing. He's all sharp glares and silent grimaces, but when he does smile it's one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen, and his laughs were like music to his ears, his favorite song that almost felt like a guilty pleasure. It's not his song to play when he wants, when he hears it it's faint, faraway, played by someone else unknowing he's the only one that can control the volume, and he wants to yell in his face if he knows.
Does he know the way Michael puts him on a pedestal fit for a God? Does he see the way Michael opens up for him like a book just waiting to be read? Is he aware of just how much time and attention he gives him because he's clearly dying to be more than just his best friend?
It almost hurts him to think someone was just letting someone as attractive as Michael pine over them without actually doing anything in the situation. He just pretends his blatant feelings weren't there, and it males his own chest hurt to think he was in that same situation — he was Michael, pining after a guy who's clearly not interested, and Michael was Luke, clearly ignoring his feelings for someone else.
He rolled his eyes and then looked down at his paper, the words in his head were jumbled and falling apart the second they formed, making him frustrated. He couldn't focus. His feelings were one big twist of syllables and missing letters that held kinks in ever millimeter of it' length and every space. He didn't know what he was trying to picture as his pencil touched the blank sheet of paper and lingered there in a dot, unwavering and unsure. Ideas broke apart before they could form complete sentences or coherent thoughts and any photo in his head crumbled and burned into nothing but dust and exasperation.
He groaned loudly before throwing his pencil on to the desk and standing up in irritation, too preoccupied to so much as draw a smiley face. He can't even remember how it looks, and his hand can't even think about which way to glide his pencil. Left? Right? Were smileys sideways?
Calum threw himself out of his front door, slamming it shut before walking down the street to find his friends. He really can't do that project right now. He's lacking proper inspiration and of he doesn't find himself in the presence of someone he doesn't hate then he's going to explode.
His knuckles hurt as he knocked on the door only a couple streets down from his house, and he smiled when his friend's sister opened the door. "Roni," he breathed out and she rose an eyebrow. "- is Kaitlin home?"
"Password?" She giggled up at him and he ruffled the middle schooler's hair as he bent down to her height. "Hey!"
"Dingle-hopper." He whispered and she opened the door wider for him. "Thanks, beautiful."
Her cheeks went red and he laughed as she shut the door behind him and then ran upstairs. "Katie! Calum's here for you!" She called and the boy shoved his hands into his pockets before walking to her room.
"You mean your boyfriend?" He heard his best friend call and he snickered at the term. "Are you sure he's not here for you?"
He saw the little girl slam her door shut and he shook his head before knocking on Kaitlin's door. "I don't have money for dates, Katie. Open up." He told her and he heard Roni screaming in her room.
He feels bad joking about the thirteen year old's feelings, but he knows she's well aware he loves boys. It was harmless, really.
The door in front of him opened and he smiled at his best friend. "What's up?" She asked as she unclipped the choker from around her neck. "You look disgruntled."
Her fingers messed with his hair and he took a deep breath. "I'm partnered with fucking Michael." He cut straight to the chase and she widened her eyes.
"Asshole Michael or your crush Michael?"
Calum scowled as he walked into her messy room and then flopped on to her dark blankets, the toe of his shoe shutting the door. "They're the same person!"
"Right." She nodded and then took a seat by the only clean place in her room — her desktop. "Obviously there's two solutions, Calum."
"Don't say it." He shoved his face into her pillow as he heard the unmistakable sound of her evil giggle.
In that moment, he wonders if he actually befriended the devil all those years ago.
He could hear the snap and creak of her old glasses as they opened, and he just knew she had that smirk on her face. She ley out an amused little humph before clicking het tongue. "Either you fight him, or you fuck him."
"I'm going to Alejandro's." He bounced up and she laughed as he stumbled over her platform boots. "He's better at advice than you."
"He's halfway across town mourning the fish his ex-girlfriend got him two weeks ago." She reminded him and while raising her eyebrow.
"And? You'll drive me." He rolled his eyes. "I'll buy you peanut butter cups."
She scoffed. "Like hell I will. I have a physics report due by midnight."
"It takes you three minutes to type it up, don't be modest." He sat back down and kicked at her shoes on the floor. "Really though, I want to let go of this stupid crush but I can't."
She tapped her pen on her lip as she spun around in her swivel chair. "You don't like him. You like the idea of him."
He furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"
"Think about it!" She began scribbling into a notebook, all kinds of circles and lines with the chicken scratch she calls het penmanship. "This is you. This is Michael."
He still didn't understand as she pointed at the diagram. Weren't aspiring scientists supposed to be neat and precise? Why does the head in the drawing look like a jelly bean?
"You don't know him as a person! All you know is he's clearly hot, clearly a hot head, and clearly good with his hands. You had a bruise longer than Roni's had her crush!" She told him and he scoffed.
"You should have seen him." He defended himself. "He had a lump on his face for weeks too."
She set her notepad down. "Not the point, Cal. My point is that you don't actually like him enough to want to date him. You just think he's attractive and the idea of being with him in whatever fucked up relationship you picture in your tiny little brain — is what you want!"
"Maybe." He sulked, and she tapped her pencil on the desk. "What do you suggest, short stack?"
"Death." She glared at him through her bangs. "You deserve it."
"I don't know why I'm hung up on him." He rocked himself forward on to his feet. "I'm fucking Calum Hood. I could literally date anyone I wanted to if I approached them."
She shrugged. "Maybe he's just that attractive?"
"Michael?" He scoffed as he stared at the mess of black clothes on the floor. "He's okay, a seven and a half maybe. His attitude pisses me off and makes me want to just punch him right in his nose though, and he clearly hasn't let go of his emo phase. He had no friends besides Luke and maybe Ashton. His hair desperately needs a cut too, and a wash or two... or three. He drives a motorcycle, and always smells like gasoline and wet dog, it's kind of gross. He always looks mad too, but I'd be that mad too if I had no friends and was almost fail-"
"- That's enough." Kaitlin groaned and he heard the sound of something hitting her desk.
When he turned around he saw that it was her forehead, and she was clinging to a stapler before holding it to her heart. "Put me out of my misery."
He crossed his arms and then looked down at his shoes before sighing. "Yeah, I guess it's stupid." He agreed as he chewed on his cheek.
"You haven't dated anyone in the entirety I've known you. Maybe, just maybe, if you get some good ol' fashion sex, you wouldn't be acting like a virgin." She hypothesized before slamming her stapler down. "I'll even work out the numbers and science behind it so we can really know why you're acting like a little bitch."
He winced at her words, but knew she didn't really mean it. She was just bad at comforting, and he knew he was being annoying by ranting and acting so fragile over the entire thing. It irritated him too to know Michael had such an effect on him. It was sickening to him, to be brought down to his knees and broken apart the way he was right now. It was unfair.
"Sorry, Katie." He apologized before turning to her. "I know things like this aren't your style."
"You said it yourself." She tried smiling at him. "You're Calum fucking Hood. Why let an almost drop out run your life? Find someone, kiss them, and see if you're just too sensitive from not having been with someone in so long."
He nodded and then reached into his back pocket for his wallet. "We worked on out project earlier and he brought us some food, so I have a couple of Hamilton's."
She snorted. "Are you asking me out on a date after ranting about your boy drama?"
"Since your parents aren't home, would you and Roni like to go het ice cream with me? You'll have to drive though." He pointed at her and she rolled her head back before looking at him.
She nodded. "Ten for gas and it's a deal."
He handed her the bill and she shoved it into her pocket before shouting at the top of her lungs, causing Calum to jump out of his skin. "Roni get dressed! Your boyfriend is getting us ice cream!"
He rolled his eyes and then left the room before staring at the open door in front of him. "Hey, Roni, how do you deal with liking boys?"
She looked almost insulted when she turned to him with red cheeks. "I don't."
He nodded before walking to the living room. "Good point. Thanks."