It only took 12 minutes for me to find Conri. 12 long and exhausting minutes only to have him hauled up in my room, on my book nook, which was through a secret passageway. My room was always his safe space and his hidey hole. Only Conri and I knew about this little passageway in my room, we found it when we were 6 and we always hid in there whenever we were upset or just wanted to hide.
I proceeded with caution walking into my room and making my way to the secret passageway. I wasn't sure what Conri I would find or see in my passageway. Whether it was super sad, ugly crying, super shy or extremely mad and angry Conri. He always had different selves, but he was only ever every self around me. He even hid things from his parents and his other friends. He could always open up to me.
And I could always open up to him, except about the one thing that would ruin our friendship because we could never be more than just friends.
"Conri?" I said softly, once I could see the light that was shining through the sunlight in the small hidden room. I crawled out from the passageway and saw the one Conri that I wasn't expecting. He was laughing. It was a semi happy, semi laughing and somewhat a semi-snotty Conri. "Conri?"
He lifted his head and wiped his nose on one of the blankets that were through around the small hidden room. "Didn't take you long."
"Well I had to defuse the situation you left me in first." I pointed out, crawling towards him. I leaned up against the wall, offer my shoulder for Conri to come over and lean on. He obliged and laid his head on my shoulder, as my fingers worked their magic and played with his hair. I was soothing him, like the countless time I had done before.
We sat there in silence. I let my fingers sooth him and I let him cry. I let him be snotty and I let him be himself around me. He seemed to only ever be his true self around me. And I was happy about that because I knew whatever happens with us that the moment we come back to each other, we'd be alright and we'd go back to be normal with each other.
"I like Cora." I whisper. "She seems to make him happy."
"I'm happy for Elijah." Conri rasped out. "I mean, I am, but I'm not."
"I get that." I look down at him, as he looks up at me. He smiles, knowing what I know is going around in his head. He is happy but he is jealous that he doesn't have that kind of relationship, like his younger brother. "Just wait until Clara gets her mate, you'd be the big protective brother, rather than jealous. Or just wait until I get a boyfriend." I chuckle, thinking that will never happen.
"What's this about you getting a boyfriend now?" Conri bolts up, staring at me.
"Nothing. No boyfriend here, what so ever." I shake my head, rolling my eyes at his protectiveness. "I like how you seem to care more about my future relationships rather than your own sister. How brotherly." I roll my eyes, giggling.
"I know my sister will be able to protect herself, you and I both know my dad will be extremely protective of daddy's little girl. Or worse, my mum."
"I admire her, but I do get that vibe from the male population that she could be intimidating to most." I lean back up against the wall, cuddling into my legs. "Still, I don't get why you'd be concerned over me getting my first boyfriend. I mean, it won't be happening anytime soon."
Conri looks at me with a confused look on his face. "What makes you think that?"
"Because I'm me, Con. You know me. I'm a tomboy, nerdy and have my own clumsiness. I'm also a know-it-all, that knows too much for my own good and between all my different skills, I can only manage to make any man I talk to run away. I mean the only good thing I can do is bake or maybe take care of horses. What does that say about me?"
"That men are intimidated by you." He points out.
"That screams 'date me, kiss me and have my babies', now doesn't it?" I roll my eyes, scoffing. "Let's not talk about my failed and non-existent love life."
"C'mon, you do not have a failed love life." Conri seems to not truly know me, because if he did, he would know that I've never been on a date, nor kissed anyone. He is always the first person I tell everything too and I unfortunately mean everything. He even told me about his own experiences, in more detail than I needed to know.
"You are beautiful, extremely intelligent more than me at least. You know how to take down any werewolf that comes into contact with you. You are passionate about things, you're very caring, you are strong. And you can cook. Oh. Plus, those glasses you wear when you read, men find that attractive."
I just shake my head, not wanting to have this conversation right now. I stand up and look outside through the small window that's in the room. I lean up against the small window-seel and look outside to see the training ground full of werewolves training. We should be down there, instead I'm dealing with an emotional future king and his heart.
Conri eventually stood up and joined me, placing his hands either side of me and caging me into the window-seel. I could feel him stepping in closer than he would normally do, he kissed the top of my head, lingering longer than he normally would too. He was acting weird and he couldn't sense that I was unsure of what was happening.
I tense up a little when his hand falls on my waist, he tries to turn me around by placing the other on my free side. We eventually end up face to face and he's looking down at me. My heart beats faster and faster by the second, no the millisecond
"Conri, what are you doing?" I whisper, trying not to show my nerves. But somehow, I seem to stutter a little. Conri eyes me and then back to my lips. Conri leans in more than he should, he pauses once our noses touch ever so slightly. I lick my lips and gulp. I close my eyes are ask the question once again. "Con, what are you doing?"
"Let me be your first kiss?" Conri whispered against my lips.
"How do you know I haven't been kissed before?" I breathed out, it was heavier than intended. I couldn't comprehend how this situation was turning out. Maybe I wanted him to have my first kiss. Or maybe I wanted to save it for someone that I knew would truly love and care for me. Conri could never love me the way I love him because he was bound by fate, whereas I was not.
"Because you would have told me." He simply stated.
"You know I do have secrets. I don't tell you everything." My eyes look up at his and I notice a change in his demeanour. He seemed jealous or angry. I was confused with his change because I didn't know how to take it. I wasn't sure if it was a 'you haven't been kissed since no guy likes you' or 'why hasn't someone kissed you because you are amazing and beautiful?' Or even 'I want to be your first kiss because I love you.'
I was questioning his look. I was confused by his look. I was worried with his look. More so, I was scared of this look. I wasn't sure if he would try and kiss me and then realise it was a stupid thing to do. Maybe he would kiss me and find out what I've been hiding for five years from him. My mind my racing, my heart was beating and my lips were screaming to have his touch mine.
"Since when do you hide things from me, Nyla?" he looked at me.
"Because maybe there are things you don't need to know." I was simple and straight to the point with my answer, however Conri was not impressed by that.
"You know I can tell when you're lying." Conri takes a step closer and I end up against the wall of our secret room.
"How do you know I'm lying?" I started to panic, because I wasn't sure if he knew my secret or if he knew I hadn't been kissed.
"You have a tell-tale sign when you lie to me."
I gulp. "And what's that?"
He smirks at me before leaning in closer to my face. "This."
That was all he said before taking my lips with his and my first kiss was stolen. Almost 21 years of age and my first kiss was stolen by the man I love, but I couldn't love him. I couldn't love Conri, he was going to be bound to another person for his life and it wasn't me. I knew and he knew, the whole palace knew that we weren't mates because if we were everyone would know. Unfortunately, I wasn't Conri destined mate and therefore I had to let go of the fantasy that we'd be together.
But as Conri's lips touched mine, I wanted to always have that fantasy in my head. I never wanted to give it up. And I knew the consequences of loving him, my heart would break the moment he would find his mate. I knew that whatever happened between us, I would end up hurt and heart broken.
Conri's hand moved to my cheek, as his lips drew me in closer. I closed my eyes trying not to let the tears escape, since I knew what was happening. I was hurting already and it was just one kiss. I was more in love with him than I ever imagined. As much as I would regret pulling away from this truly beautiful and tantalising kiss. He had stolen something that I didn't want to give to him because I knew I could never be his.
I pulled and ducked away from Conri. I heaved out a heavy breathe and looked at him. A tear was escaping and a silent sob was wanting to be heard. I was a romantic. A true romantic that wanted romance and to save myself for the one that would take my heart. But right now, my heart was wanting Conri more and more. My brain knew better, my head was winning more than my heart because I was being sensible and not rash. And the moment I pulled away from the kiss, I had a sudden feeling inside.
Regret.
I never thought I'd regret kissing him but he took something I was saving. Something that I thought was more than valuable than my virginity because I would always remember my first kiss. The day, what I wore, the place and the very person that would take it, more like I'd give it to them than them taking it. And right now, Conri took something I wasn't ready to give up. It may sound stupid and overall pathetic, I did think about giving it to him but I knew that my romantic side wouldn't want that.
I held the back of my hand to my cheek and wiped away the traitorous tear that fell down. Conri looked at me for the first time since kissing me. Our eyes locked and he saw it in my eyes, most likely he felt it in our kiss.
"Shit." He muttered to himself. "Nyla, I'm sorry."
"It's fine." I reply. It was blunt and the cringe on Conri's face showed that it hurt more than it should have.
"Why did you tell me?" He wiped a hand through his hair, turning to look at me more.
"Tell you what, Conri?" A few more tears fell and I knew my heart was already breaking more and I was in true pain.
"You know I have this weird thing that I can sense what you're feeling."
"Well forget it. Because you shouldn't be feeling or sensing anything about me!" I spat back and it didn't taste nice at all. I was angry and mad at him for doing something I wished I wanted him to do. My wishes were truly the death of me. I wrapped my arms around my chest, trying to sooth me. I was getting worked up over one kiss, but it was a kiss that was surely ruining me.
"Nyla-"
"Just stop!" I shouted back at him. I huffed out and decided that I needed some time alone.
"Nyny, I'm sorry." Conri whispered, I was barely able to hear it. I knew he was truly sorry, because he hardly called me by my nickname. "I didn't realize that that kiss would mean so much to you."
"I don't want to get into this." I sigh out.
"Well I want to get into this because you're my best friend Nyla and you mean everything to me. You never hide anything from me and now I know why you hid it from me."
"You don't understand Conri." I wipe the tears that just want to keep rolling down my cheek. My stomach was churning and I was panicking. I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want any of this to happen.
"You don't think I know that you love me, Ny?"
I gulp, shaking my head. This couldn't be happening. "Please Conri, don't." I say, ever so softly because I didn't want to fight this. All I wanted to do is run away and hide. I wanted to sink into a hole and be buried because right now I didn't want Conri to know.
Conri takes a step closer to me and I flinch, pulling myself away. I wasn't having this conversation. I shook my head and told him I needed to be alone, I left him in our special hidden room. I could sense that he was chasing me, because that was something about us; we could feel and sense things we shouldn't between the pair of us.
I jogged out of my room, down a dozen hallways and two sets of staircases until I finally reached the hospital wing where my dad would be. A girl just needed her dad sometimes and right now was definitely a moment I needed to be daddy's little girl. I just needed a hug, to be held and told that no matter what would happened between Conri and I, we were going to be friends forever.
I paused, holding my chest and trying to contain my breathing but nothing was working. I was a mess, a big mess. I couldn't think straight as many thoughts and memories were swimming around my head, clouding my judgement. Everything was blurry and it wasn't just the tears forming in my eyes.
As they rolled down my cheeks and onto my lips, the salty taste was something I had gotten use to in the many years I've been pining over Conri. I've dreamed about this day for years but one thing I noticed was how I was feeling was not the same in my dreams.
My world was crumbling.