PROLOGUE
"CALLE, HONEY, I'M SORRY." Blake was on the phone, begging his girlfriend to understand him. "I was just busy these past few days. Hindi ko maiwan ang kakambal ko at inaasikaso namin ang libing ni Mommy—"
"Palagi ka na lang busy," umiiyak nitong sabi sa kabilang linya. "You know I hate being alone."
"I know, hon." He took a deep breath. "Promise, pupuntahan kita mamaya. May aasikasuhin lang ako. Please understand me. After this, I'm all yours."
Hindi nagsalita ang nasa kabilang linya ng ilang minuto. "I hate being alone, Blake."
"I know." Pinalambot niya ang boses. "Hon, listen, I'll be with you tonight, okay? Sasamahan kita at hindi kita iiwan. Wait for me, hon, okay?"
"Ngayon mo na ako puntahan. Kailangan kita, Blake."
Napatingin siya sa karo na malapit na sa sementeryo. "Hon, libing ngayon ni Mommy. Hindi puwede. I promise, I'll visit you as soon as I can."
"Blake, kapag hindi ka pumunta rito ngayon din, hindi mo na ako aabutang buhay!" May pananakot sa boses ni Calle. "I need you right now, Blake! I need you!"
Hinilot niya ang sentido at tiningnan ang kakambal niyang nakatingin lang sa kawalan at wala sa sarili.
Blaze didn't just lose their mom; he also lost his fiancée. I can't leave him. "Calle, hon, I promise, I'll be there as soon as I can, okay? Hon, please, promise me you won't hurt yourself this time. Sasamahan kita, hintayin mo ako."
"You made your choice."
Nasapo ni Blake ang noo nang patayin ni Calle ang tawag. Sinubukan niyang tawagan uli ito pero nakapatay na ang cell phone nito.
Fuck!
Tinawagan niya si Calle kaninang umaga kasi kailangan niya ng kasama sa burol ng kanyang ina pero umayaw ito. Saying she'd be more depressed, so he didn't force her.
Alam naman nitong libing ngayon ng kanyang ina. He just couldn't leave or walk away! He wouldn't disrespect his mother like that!
Tinapik niya ang balikat ng kakambal nang makarating sila sa sementeryo. "We're here?"
Blaze looked at him cluelessly. "W-what?"
"We're here," ulit niya.
Blaze looked outside. "Oh. Okay..."
Napatitig na lang si Blake sa kakambal na wala pa rin sa sariling lumabas ng sasakyan. Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga, saka lumabas na rin ng kotse at sinamahan ang kakambal sa paglilibingan ng ina nila at ng fiancée nito.
Parang sasabog ang dibdib ni Blake sa halo-halong emosyong nararamdaman pero hindi niya ipinakita iyon. Kahit nahihirapan na siyang huminga sa sobrang sama ng loob ay nanatiling kalmado ang panlabas niyang mukha.
He was crumbling inside and he was about to breakdown, but he was holding himself and trying really hard not to let anyone see it, especially his brother.
Blaze needed him right now. Silang dalawa na lang ang magkasama. If he broke down as well, they would be a mess. He needed to take care of Blaze, he needed to make sure that he was holding up okay. If he would show any weakness, they would be pushed down.
Kailangan niyang maging malakas para sa kanilang dalawa ni Blaze. He had a company to take care of, he had his mother's case to worry about and he had his brother who was losing his sanity piece by piece.
And Calle... he needed to take good care of Calle. She was depressed and suicidal. Kailangan niya itong alagaan. Hindi niya ito puwedeng pabayaan.
At the age of nineteen, he didn't know how he would do all of that.
"I'm losing my mind..." bulong ni Blaze na nagpabalik sa kanya sa kasalukuyan.
Inakabayan niya ang kakambal at tinapik ang balikat nito. "We'll get through this, bud. Together."
Blaze didn't say anything. Pareho lang silang nakatitig sa dalawang kabaong na unti-unting nawawala sa paningin nila.
Pareho silang naupo sa tabi ng puntod ng ina nang matapos ang libing. Hindi niya maiwan ang kakambal niyang nakaluhod sa harap ng puntod ni Cassie at umiiyak habang humihingi ng tawad.
He looked at his mother's grave. Nagtatagis ang mga bagang niya at nakakuyom nang mahigpit ang mga kamay. Mom, you will get the justice that you deserve. Hindi kami titigil hangga't hindi nagbabayad ang may gawa nito sa 'yo. Hindi ako titigil hangga't hindi sila nagbabayad sa ginawa nilang kahayupan. Pagbabayarin ko silang lahat.
Huminga siya nang malalim, saka inilabas ang cell phone para tawagan si Calle na male-late lang siya nang kaunti pero nakapatay pa rin ang cell phone nito.
Nakaramdam siya ng kakaibang kaba sa dibdib.
What is this?
Kinakabahang tinapik niya ang balikat ni Blaze. "See you in the house tonight. May pupuntahan lang ako. I'll call you later, okay?"
Hindi na niya hinintay ang tugon ni Blaze. Tumakbo siya patungo sa kotse nilang nakaparada hindi kalayuan, saka sumakay at nagmamadaling pinaharurot 'yon patungo sa apartment ni Calle.
Halos paliparin ni Blake ang sasakyan dahil sa takot at pag-aalalang nararamdaman.
Calle had a tendency to harm herself, that was why he'd been keeping her company. Kaya hindi niya ito maiwan-iwan, kasi ayaw niyang may mangyaring masama rito kapag wala siya. He had been trying to help her overcome her depression and suicidal thoughts.
Muntik nang masubsob si Blake sa semento sa pagmamadali na makalabas ng sasakyan at makapasok sa apartment ng kasintahan.
And what he saw broke his heart and marred his soul.
Calle, hanging from the rope tied to the ceiling.
Pale.
Immobile.
Lifeless.
INUBOS NI BLAKE ang laman ng Jack Daniel's na hawak, saka bumuga ng marahas na hininga. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa bote nang maalala na naman kung bakit siya umiinom. He wanted to numb the pain, to forget everything for the meantime. To pretend that it wasn't his fault.
Mabilis niyang tinuyo ang luha sa pisngi nang maramdaman ang paglapit ng kakambal niya sa kanya. May dala rin itong isang bote ng alak at mas lasing pa sa kanya.
Blaze sat on the edge of the rooftop, beside him.
Silence filled the air.
Walang nagsalita sa kanilang dalawa habang umiinom. Tahimik sila pareho hanggang maubos nila ang dinalang alak ni Blaze sa rooftop.
Blaze sighed afterwards. "I don't think I'll be okay after this..."
Blake closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was also a mess, but he couldn't let his twin saw that. Silang dalawa na lang. Kapag sumuko pa siya, ano na lang ang mangyayari sa kakambal niya?
He tapped Blaze's leg. "We'll get through it, don't worry."
"How?"
He opened his eyes and looked at Blaze. "I heard there was a witness where Mom and Cassie's bodies were dump. Matutulungan niya tayo—"
"Tumawag sa 'kin si Attorney kanina. Nawawala ang witness at hindi mahanap ng mga pulis." Nagtagis ang mga bagang nito. "We both know who did it though. We don't need a witness."
Tinapik-tapik niya ang balikat ng kakambal. "Don't worry. Makakagawa tayo ng paraan. We'll figure it out."
Blaze looked at him, his eyes glazed with unshed tears. "She was pregnant, Blake. Cassie just told me. She was pregnant. My baby... was molested... fuck..."
Ibinuka ni Blake ang bibig para magsalita at magkuwento sana sa nangyari sa kanya pero nang makita ang lagay ng kakambal, sinarili na lang niya ang dapat na sasabihin. Blaze had so much on his plate already. Ayaw na niyang dumagdag sa problema nito.
He was a minute older than Blaze. That gave him the responsibility to take care of his twin brother and not to burden him more.
"We'll figure it out." 'Yon na lang ang nasabi niya habang tinatapik ang balikat ng kakambal. "Together, bud. I already called Luther."
Blaze nodded then continued staring at the dark night.
"Come on," yaya niya. "We need to rest. We have a big day tomorrow."
Umiling si Blaze. "Hindi tayo mananalo, Blake. We have no witness; we have no proof and we have nothing that can nail those bastards."
"We'll figure it out," sabi niya sa may diing boses. "Come on, get up."
Napipilitang tumayo si Blaze at bagsak ang mga balikat na naglakad papasok habang nasa likuran siya nito.
Nang makapasok si Blaze sa kuwarto nito, saka lang siya pumasok sa kuwarto niya.
Napasandal si Blake sa likod ng nakasarang pinto at napatitig sa kisame. Nasapo niya ang ulo at naglakad patungo sa bedside table. Kinuha niya ang kuwintas na may hugis-pusong pendant, saka umupo sa gilid ng kama.
It was Calle's. Her sister gave it back to him after what happened.
Blake opened the heart-shaped pendant that was also a locket and stared at the picture inside.
Sunod-sunod na nahulog ang luha sa mga mata niya habang pinagmamasdan ang larawan nila ni Calle.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, I didn't do what you want. I can't leave my brother behind. I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..." Napahagulhol siya habang nasa loob ng nakakuyom niyang kamay ang kuwintas ng pumanaw na kasintahan.
Kung napigilan lang sana niya si Calle, kung sana mas inagahan niyang pumunta sa apartment nito, sana ... sana napigilan niya itong saktan ang sarili.
He was Calle's anchor, her weapon against her depression. But he failed her. He wasn't there when she needed him the most. Ni hindi nga niya magawa ang hiniling nito sa kanya sa iniwang sulat nito kahit gaano pa niya ito kamahal.
"I'm sorry, baby..." Napasabunot si Blake sa sariling buhok habang walang ingay na humahagulhol. "I'm sorry... please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry..."
He was breaking down; his chest was contracting in pain as he blamed himself for everything.
This is all my fault.
He wasn't there to protect his mother. Now his girlfriend was dead because he couldn't stop her, he couldn't change her mind and he didn't go to her as fast as he could like he promised!
Ilang beses siyang huminga nang malalim para pakalmahin ang sarili, saka tinuyo ang basang pisngi.
I can't break down like this. My brother needs me.
Blake pulled himself together before taking out his phone from his pocket and calling Luther. "Hey, man."
"Blake. What's up?"
"How's Cassie's, my mom's, and your mom's case?" Pulis ang ama nito na siyang may hawak ng kaso. "Is there any development?"
Ilang segundo ang lumipas bago sumagot ang kaibigan. "Nothing."
Nagtagis ang mga bagang niya. "Nothing?"
"Yes, and I'm going crazy. Hindi sila makagalaw dahil wala siyang ebidensiya. Fuck the red tape!" wika ni Luther na nasa boses ang desperasyon. "Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. I keep seeing my mom's face. It's like she's begging me to give her justice."
"Your dad?"
"He's doing nothing." May galit sa boses nito.
He took a deep breath and sighed. "Our family attorney called me earlier. The case won't fly. Hindi ko pa sinabi kay Blaze. He's a mess right now."
Bumuga ng marahas na hininga ang nasa kabilang linya. "Blaze is in hell..."
"So are we... so am I..."
Luther sighed again and after a couple of minute silence, he spoke. "I heard about Calle."
Sa sinabi ni Luther, naalala na naman ni Blake ang alaalang pilit niyang ibinabaon. "Yeah..."
"You okay?"
Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga. "Yeah." No, I'm not.
"Have you told Blaze?"
"Hindi pa. Marami siyang iniisip ngayon, ayaw kong dumagdag pa."
"Blake... Calle's death is not your fault, remember that."
"Okay." Pinatay ni Blake ang tawag, saka mapaklang natawa. "Not my fault? If only that's true..."
Pabagsak siyang nahiga sa kama, saka napatitig sa kisame at unti-unting bumagsak ang talukap ng mga mata...
"Calle?" tawag niya sa pangalan ng kasintahan habang kumakatok sa pinto ng apartment nito. "Calle, honey, come on, open up."
Nothing. No one answered.
Worry consumed him. How many times did Calle try to harm herself while he was not with her?
Inilabas ni Blake sa pitaka ang susi na ibinigay sa kanya ni Calle, saka binuksan ang naka-lock na pinto. Hindi niya alam kung bakit kinakabahan siya. Hinawakan niya ang doorknob, saka pinihit iyon pabukas at itinulak pabukas ang pinto.
Calle's lifeless body welcomed him. She was hanging on the ceiling; the rope was tied in her neck.
"Calle!"
"Calle!" Bumalikwas si Blake at pinagpapawisan na inilibot ang tingin sa kabuuan ng silid.
Calle.
Habol ang hininga na napasabunot siya sa sariling buhok, saka nagmamadaling umalis ng kuwarto. Tinungo niya ang mini bar, saka kumuha ng Jack Daniels at tinunga ang laman n'on sa mismong bote ng alak.
Panay ang inom niya kaya hindi niya namalayang nakatulog pala siyang nakasubsob ang mukha sa mini bar.
BLAKE WOKE UP with a massive headache, but he continued his day like his head wasn't about to split into two. Nagluto siya ng agahan, saka naghain sa mesa. Pagkatapos ay nag-iwan siya ng post-it note sa pinto ng refrigerator para kay Blaze.
Sumakay sa kotse niya pagkatapos at pinaharurot iyon patungo kung saan ang lamay ni Calle.
Kalilibing lang niya sa kanyang ina, heto na naman ang isa pang mahal niya sa buhay.
Anong klaseng parusa ba 'to?
Nang makarating sa lugar kung saan ang lamay ni Calle, nasa pinto pa lang siya ay para na siyang kinakatay at kinakain ng konsiyensiya niya. Hindi niya magawang ihakbang ang mga paa palapit sa kabaong ng kasintahan.
He wasn't there when she needed him the most.
Calle.
Hindi alam ni Blake kung ilang oras siyang nakatitig sa kabaong ni Calle bago niya nagawang ihakbang ang mga paa palapit dito.
Tumayo siya sa tabi ng kabaong habang nakatingin sa mukha ni Calle. Naninikip ang dibdib niya at kinakain siya ng pagsisisi at konsiyensiya. Wala siyang pakialam kung pinagtitinginan siya ng mga tao na naroon dahil sa tagal niyang nakatayo at nakatingin kay Calle habang dumadaloy sa isip niya ang masasaya nilang alaala.
Calle hated being alone. Kaya palagi niya itong sinasamahan kahit saan ito pumunta. He made sure that he was always there for her. He promised her that he wouldn't leave her, that they'd always be together, but he got busy. And maybe she couldn't take the loneliness anymore because he wasn't with her to make her happy.
Hinaplos ni Blake ang kabaong ng kasintahan. "Hindi pa sa ngayon, Calle, pero susunod ako tulad ng gusto mo," bulong niya, saka mahinang natawa. "I'm sorry if you're all alone again. Pangako, kapag maayos na ang lahat, kapag wala na akong aalalahanin, susunod ako sa 'yo. Sasamahan kita. Hindi ka na mag-iisa. Wait for me, Calle."
Ayaw niyang gumalaw. He wanted to stay right there, so Calle wouldn't be alone again.
"Blake..."
Nilingon niya ang tumawag sa pangalan niya.
Callia, Calle's elder sister. Wala nang magulang ang mga ito kaya ito ang umasikaso sa burol ng kapatid.
"Hey."
Callia gave him a sad smile. "Ayos ka lang ba? Pasensiya ka na. Kanina pa kita pinagmamasdan kaya nilapitan na kita. Nag-aalala lang ako."
He tried to smile but failed. "I'm okay."
"Sa makalawa na ang libing," sabi nito na parang nahihiya. "Pasensiya na kung sa tingin mo ay nagmamadali ako. Alam mo namang kapos din ako sa pera."
Tumango siya. "Ayos lang. Naiintindihan ko naman."
"Salamat, Blake."
Tumango lang siya uli, saka umupo sa pinakamalapit na upuan kay Calle. Hindi niya inalis ang tingin sa kabaong nito hanggang sumagi sa isip niya ang iniwan nitong sulat para sa kanya.
Inilabas niya iyon sa bulsa, saka binasa uli.
Hon, hihintayin kita. Don't make me wait too long, you know I hate being alone. Hurry up and be with me. I'll wait for you.
Hindi niya alam na tumulo ang isang butil ng luha sa mga mata niya. "Wait for me, Calle. I'll be with you as soon as I can."
Natigilan siya nang may tumabi ng upo sa kanya. Nang tingnan niya kung sino 'yon, unti-unting nawala sa isip niya ang sumunod kay Calle nang makita ang kakambal niya.
Mabilis niyang ibinalik sa bulsa ang sulat ni Calle.
"Bakit hindi mo sinabi?" tanong ni Blaze habang nakatingin sa kabaong.
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Ayoko nang dumagdag sa problema mo."
"Idiot," Blaze murmured. "Tayong dalawa na nga lang, naglilihim ka pa sa akin. 'Buti na lang sinabi sa 'kin ni Luther."
Mapakla siyang tumawa. "I'm a mess, Blaze."
"We both are," sabi ni Blaze sa mahinang boses, saka bumaling sa kanya. "But as you said, we'll get through this together."
Napatitig siya sa kakambal pero nag-iwas din ng tingin.
I'm sorry, Calle. I can't kill myself. At least not yet, Blaze still needs me, but I'll be with you. As soon as I can. I promise.
Blake nodded. "Brothers forever."
Blaze smiled. "That's the only thing we got now, Blake. And that's the only thing that's keeping me sane from all of this, because I know you'll be there, whatever happens... brothers till the end."
He tapped Blaze's legs. "That's right so keep it together, okay?"
Blake wanted to laugh. He couldn't even keep himself together. Who was he to give advice to his brother? Pero 'yon ang kailangang marinig ni Blaze mula sa kanya. He had to be strong for the both of them.
Blaze nodded. "I will. How's the company by the way?"
"Leave it to me," sabi niya, saka bumuga ng marahas na hininga. "I won't let those scumbags take away Mom's hard work."
Blaze frowned at him. "What do you mean?"
"I'm dropping out of college to run our shipping line."
"You can't do that!" Blaze exclaimed. "Mom will not like it—"
"Wala na si Mommy. We have to stand on our own from now on. I have to take care of the company. I won't let those board of directors rip us off. The Vitale Shipping Line is ours. I will fight for it."
"Then I'll help you."
"No. Continue studying. Gusto mong maging doktor, 'di ba? Ipagpatuloy mo lang ang gusto mo. Ako na ang bahala sa lahat."
Napatitig sa kanya ang kakambal. "Why are you doing this? I can help," giit nito.
"We're twins... but I'm still the eldest. It's my job to stand for us. I'll take care of it, don't worry."
Blaze let out a loud breath. "Why do we have to suffer like this?" Napasandal ito sa kinauupuan at bumuntong-hininga. "It's like I'm in hell..."
"So am I, Blaze." He looked at Calle's casket. "So am I."
CECELIB | C.C.