Long time no see, Journal... I don't think it was wise of me to not write in the "therapy book." I didn't have a good time when I was away. I thought that writing my feelings & thoughts is a hassle because I have to take the book out & a pen, write, then put it all away only to bring it to therapy the next day. Yes, I want to die. Yes, I want to be alone. Yes, I have depression.
But that doesn't make me less of a human. Or whatever a human is... I'm a monster in my head. These thoughts take control over me & they change me... Believe me, I'm not harmful. I'm only harmful when I get pissed. Then again, who the hell isn't harmful when they're pissed? When I get angry or just exploding with random emotions, I go out to the forest & punch. I don't care what I punch, as long as I get blood & torn skin with some sort of pain...
Or I go somewhere in town & pay $75 to a group of people to beat me up. Last time I did that, I got few several bruises with a dislocated shoulder & swollen ankle with a black eye & one of my teeth came out. I also received several open wounds on my arms, legs, sides & I got a scar on my cheek from it. That scar starts from the corner of my right eye to the halfway point of my jawline.
Which I found funny coming back home because my mother asked me what happened to me & I simply replied with "hit by a swerving car." All in all of that day, she believed me & she didn't pursue to question & she didn't tell anyone else. Fake friends don't even ask, so that's good, cause I didn't know what I would've said. I'm glad that I have such importance to them.
I have my bottles of alcohol hidden away somewhere where only I know where it is. Hint: It's not even in the house. It's somewhere out. But I'm never going to reveal where I hid it cause why would I? It tastes amazing, the effects it gives after consuming it is fantastic, so why would I tell someone where it is just for them to take it all away? Does that make any fucking sense? Getting drunk & doing dumb shit makes me feel free from my so-called home.
There is no home for me. Once I was born, it was already fucked up. My basic existence made everything worse; a year after I was born, we gotten evicted from our apartment because I couldn't stop crying. Fucking bastards. It's a baby for Christ sake. Just what do you expect from a baby?! After that we bought a house, far away from apartments & townhouses. It was all nice until my dad got arrested for drunk driving.
Typical.
They had to pay a fine of $500 & father got his licence suspended for a year. But the funny thing is; they had to pay more than $500. Ho got caught because he was speeding & reckless driving. Speeding 100 mph on a highway when you're supposed to go 75 mph. & him swerving in & out of lanes with honking at other drivers for no reason. Basic total:
$500 for drunk driving $250 for speeding $2,500 for reckless driving = A whopping $3,250.
Guess who didn't get to have any toys when he was younger! You guessed it; me. As a kid, I wasn't always the brightest, because of my childhood; too many problems with me when I was born & my own parents were having second opinions on keeping me. I am a mistake, I realized that when I was at the age of seven.
When the parents were fighting. When the teachers pulled me aside & asked why I was answering the questions wrong. & when I get a 90% or higher on tests, they pull me aside & ask why I cheated on them. Why am I the one who always messes up? Why can't I do the simplest things? Why am I the one who always gets blamed for the things I didn't even do?
Why am I the one getting blamed for someone else's misfortune... Why am I being told every single fucking day that I'm a failure & that I shouldn't even be alive anymore? Why am I here?
Why am I still in this world that we called Earth. Today's Tony's first memorial. My twin brother's.
He had everything; a loyal girl, good grades, parents love... but then, everything got fucked up when he & I were out drunk that night.
Oh, that fateful night...
*flashback starts*
We decided to get drunk that day because it was the end of middle school. Halloween was close so we decided to dress up; me as the Grim Reaper & Tony as the Devil. We had a bottle of Jack Daniel's & we were taking turns getting a sip, ending up with about half of it left. We were walking on the sidewalk, not caring who sees us doing dumb shit, what we talked about or where we went.
Except this time, it didn't go as planned...
We got into a fight with a group of arrogant bastards. Three of them. They talked shit to us, then Tony couldn't stand them anymore, so he told them off, then got the others pissed off which made them start shoving us, which led to fists being thrown every which way. After that, Tony got a devastating blow to the head which made him say "home" & he passed out.
After that, I knew things were serious; that was our code when things weren't going to go in our favor. He rarely uses the code, but this time; I knew things were very serious. So, what I did is I paid them, $150, to leave us alone. They agreed & left. I picked Tony's limp body & started running. Worried that Tony's badly hurt, I ran straight home. Good thing we didn't go that far.
Bursting through the front door, I see Dad & Mom sitting on the dining room table, eating & chatting. "Tony." I say & they immediately stop eating & get up from their chairs. Mom comes to me as I hold him in my arms & Dad went to the kitchen to grab his phone to call 9-1-1. Mom's yelling Tony's name to see if he would respond, but he didn't; he didn't move.
After that, we were in the emergency waiting room & Mom & Dad asked me what happened. I told them & the first thing that came out of my Dad's mouth was, "You fucking disappointment. Tony didn't need to be tainted by your fucking influences. You know damn well to know your place." He was also yelling.
I know it was my fault, I know it was. "I'm sorry..." He punched me in my stomach & Mom shrieks at him. I cough up blood & he doesn't even ask me if I was okay. Mom tries to come to me but I hold up a hand to her, signaling her to stop. She does & I get up. "I see how it is..." I whisper. "You know, he's not that important to you than he is to me. He's my fucking brother, for Christ sake."
I hoarsely yell at the back of my "father." I end up coughing again & blood drips from my nose & mouth. I didn't mind it. My pain is someone else's happiness. "He's my son. Unlike you, he's actually doing something with his life." He coldly responds without turning around.
After the operation, Tony was awake & I was the first to greet him. Then being shoved out of the room by my parents. I could tell Tony didn't like what they did, but he couldn't defy them like I can, so he just brushed it off. Well, I went to the cafeteria for the time being. After a while, they left & I came back from the cafeteria with two sandwiches that we both liked. Ham & cheese. With a bag of Lay's potato chips & Sour Cream Onion chips.
I go in & he greets me with a smug smile. He & I talk as we eat & then he told me that Tony didn't like the way that they're treating me. He said it's "unfair & unjust." I told him that I didn't care how they treated me; as long as I have my amazing brother, I can handle that much. I leave after he wanted to sleep & I told him that I love him. With tears brimming his chestnut eyes, he told me to give him a hug & he responded with: "I'm sorry & I love you too."
I didn't know what he meant that day... but I realized what he was trying to say. He was sorry for taking his life that day. He was sorry for giving me a heartache when he died. He was sorry for the way they were treating me; at school & at home.
He died in the hospital that day. With his IV punctured several times on his arm & veins. He died by bleeding out. & the doctors & nurses couldn't rescue him in time.
*flashback ends*
I'm done, it's late... I should go be depressed. Oh well. Someday, I'll see him again soon.
Good night, Journal.
Hello again, Demons.
1612 word count