Chapter 32.
Lilura scoffed, crossing her arms and standing up from her bed. She shook her head at me, and I could tell she wasn't angry. There was something else that was circling through her head but I couldn't understand what. She was biting her thumbnail, something I noticed she did when she didn't want to do something.
"Lily you need to do this before I hurt someone else," I asked, watching her as she crossed the room. "Once my memory is gone, I can get better. It's the only solution because I don't want to kill anyone else if I see them as something else."
"I won't." She turned to look at me, her dark brown eyes staring at me. "You can't just fix this by having me take your memory."
"Take, what do you mean to take?" I asked looking at her strangely. "You mean erase right?"
"Penny you can't just erase a memory, it needs to go somewhere." She sighed, grabbing her dark hair and pulling it. "Taking seventeen years of pain and misery, and the death fo you brother can't just disappear. Plus, what if you wanted it back?"
"I will never want it back anyway." I snapped, my desperation starting to show. "Erase my memories, now."
"I can but I won't." She argued. "You not wanting to kill people and having insanity issues can't be the only reason." I gave her a look and raised my eyebrow at her. "Okay you have a fair point, but Lucian said he would take care of you."
"That's not enough."
"The answer is no Penny, let it go."
"Lily..." I trailed off.
"I said no." Her face showed me a side of her that terrified me, and I instantly took a step back.
"I will give you until the end of the day to finalize this decision," I told her, pointing a finger in her direction. "Think real hard about how this could impact the lives of others if my memory was gone and I was just a normal girl who had a normal werewolf life with her mate."
"You wouldn't be yourself if I did that."
"Then pick something that could lessen my pain." A tear fell down my cheek and I furiously wiped it away. "Think about how much I need this."
I turned away from her as I stood up, not even glancing her way. I have known her practically my entire life. She knew the way I thought and she saw me change into the person I have become. There was a time in my life where suddenly I went mad, and perhaps there was a way for her to fix me. There had to be or else I was going to be forced to live this dreadful life for the rest of my existence.
I wanted some type of normal, even if it wasn't real. I wanted to know what it felt like to actually feel peace and comfort. There was no chance of me having that with all of the magic and death that surrounded me. I couldn't even think about what normal life was like. There was no such thing in my vocabulary because for me it was impossible. That is, until now.
I had spent my entire beginning of life tormented by Ayana. Every night I had cried myself to sleep, hoping my guardian angel would come into my dreams so I would have some sort of entertainment. I wanted to sleep at any given chance I had, but even those weren't something I could have anymore. I didn't need to have Lilura enter my dreams because now my reality was something completely different.
All my life I had hoped for a family that would one day love me, and I had ruined it. Lilura knew how badly I wanted to find my family, and she knew how badly I wanted to be worthy of them. There were times when Lilura wasn't giving me my lessons and we would just talk about the things spiraling in my mind. She would talk to me as if I was the only one who knew all her secrets and vise-versa. She was someone I could rely on for guidance, and now asking her for help and not receiving it, broke my, heart. I thought she would understand.
Throughout my entire life, I have suffered so many things that wouldn't happen in anyone's life two times over. Yet, I was suffering the loss of so many people. I had lost my family Sage, an aunt who I looked up to in order to guide me to what I wanted to achieve. She supported me and trusted me. Savannah had been a wonderful friend to me, and until her last day on Earth, she was anything but cruel. She had a good soul and a good heart.
Fia and Sal had risked everything for me, and even after the car accident that had put their lives at risk they still stayed to make sure I was alright. They never got to receive forgiveness from their daughter, and I had taken that from them. My mother never got to fully understand the real story, because she was so overcome by the hurt that she didn't want to hear it. I had taken so much from the people who had put all of their effort to keep me safe.
My brother Clayton didn't deserve the ending her got, and I wish things would've gone differently. He had London, who now held a beautiful baby boy wherever she went. Though I had been the cause of those creatures who had tried to kill her, I had still saved that boys life. It still made me wonder why those creatures surrounded the boy, but perhaps it was something I would never understand. Whatever they were, they were nothing but pure evil and would stop at nothing to crush anything close to being innocent. A baby must've been a clear sign, and I'm thankful that I had the help of those that had died to help me save my nephew.
"Think about it," I asked, looking at Lily one last time before I left to go find my parents, "please."
I went down the stairs to look for my parents, coming in contact with a few pack members who were less than pleased to see me. If looks could kill, well I wouldn't be standing right now. The looks I was receiving terrified me, but I knew it was something I would have to get used to. I had killed Clayton and the pack still hated me for it. There was nothing I could do because even a talk from my father couldn't change the way they felt about me. In other words, there was nothing I could do.
I passed by London who was sitting on the couch deep in thought. She was holding Felix, humming to him as she looked out the window. She must've heard me because she smiled kindly at me, something that surprised me. I knew I had saved her son, but I didn't realize we would be anywhere close to being friends. That was due to the fact that I had killed Clayton, and she knew that. Yet here she was smiling at me.
"Here, come sit with me." She requested, placing her hand on the empty seat next to her. "I want to talk to you."
"London I don't think talking to you is really going to fix anything." I chuckled lightly but took the seat beside her anyway.
"I'm happy you're not dead." My eyes widened at her blunt response, and she shook her head to clear the air. "What I mean is, I'm happy you've been pardoned for what happened to Clayton."
I could visibly see her wince in pain when she said his name and that only made me feel guilty. This was a clear reason why Lily should remove my memory because that would erase the probability to let my mind wander to the 'what if' of this conflict.
"You saved Felix's life, and I can never thank you enough for that." She grabbed my hand gently while the other held a cooing Felix. "You claiming to be insane I feel isn't true. I feel that you've just been so caught up in this crazy life that you're struggling to come to terms with all of this."
"No London you don't understand the things I see." I sighed, turning my head in the direction she was looking. I could only see light rain falling from the sky, and it took me a moment to realize that the snow that had once been there was slowly going away.
"Have you seen anything ever since you saved Felix?" I began to think what she meant and realized I hadn't seen anything terrifying or dead for that matter. "What if the reason you were seeing all those dead things was for you to save Felix? What if everything you've been through is finally over?"
I paused for a second before speaking. "I wish it was that simple, London."
"You never know." She smiled looking down at her happy-looking son. "Life gives you so many beautiful surprises."
"He looked just like his father." I smiled, watching as the baby reached up to touch her nose.
"Do you want to hold him?" She asked, reaching Felix out to me before I could even protest.
"Oh, I don't know how to hold him." London laughed at my remark as she grabbed my arms in a way where I would be holding him.
In nearly a blink of an eye I was holding my nephew, his bright violet eyes sparkling with mischief. A few gold flecks surrounded his pupil, and I couldn't imagine a more attractive looking child. He was beautiful with his light brown hair and tan skin like his mother. He glowed with a pure aura and blissfulness. It made me wonder what he would look like in a few years. There was something about him that just told me that he would be okay without a father to truly guide him.
His small little feet were kicking happily, a hand tossed into his mouth of instinct. I couldn't help but giggle at his innocent reaction. The way he moved was absolutely peaceful and all I could do was smile at him. I had saved this child, even if I had killed his father. There was still something that allowed me to feel connected to him. Perhaps that was the power that I had used to save him.
"He really is a wonderful baby." I grinned, gently handing Felix back to her. "May the Moon Goddess bless you and this child."
"And the one you are currently carrying." London beamed, but the look I had given her had made it instantly drop. "Did I say something?"
"First Lucian and now you?" I asked with frustration. "What is it with everyone assuming I'm pregnant."
She tilted her head to the side as if she was a dog in confusion. "What do you mean?" She sniffed the air and tilted her ears. "You can't smell it or hear it?"
I scoffed before standing. "You and my mate are delusional." She was about to say something but I stopped her. "I'm going to find my parents and talk to them about what I need to do."
She nodded, her face blank as she turned to look out the window again. I turned around, trying to find the scent of wherever my parents could be. There was some discussion going on in the other room, but I knew it wasn't them. People were discussing some decision, and how all they needed to do was wait a few days and things would go back to normal. I only got bits and pieces, but I knew it had something to do with me.
My heart raced as I finally caught my parents scent, hoping that when I found that I could hear what they had to say. My brother clearly didn't want me here, so there was only one option to seal my fate. If my parents needed me gone too, then I would need to live with Lucian. As much as it made me happy that I would be able to spend time with my mate and really get to know him, I wanted my family. They were the few people I felt that could understand me, and Lucian was only trying. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and I had a feeling taking my memory was the only way for me to heal.
When I walked down the stairs to what I assumed was the basement my heart began to race. The last few times I had spoken to them involved my brother and my execution. It was scary to wonder if they would consider listening to me. My mother understood what I was going through, at least from what I could assume. I knew she tried looking out for me, that's why she took the first step to stand up for me when I was about to be executed.
The stairs felt like they went on forever, but finally, I came into an eerie looking hallway. The scent walked by a door that said my brother's name, and I sighed as I kept walking. My parent's scent finally led me to my father's door. It read his name, so it made sense why they were in his office. I paused for a second wondering if I could hear anything that was going on but I couldn't. However, before I could knock the door swung open and my mother stood there in surprise.
"Penelope." She pushed her white hair behind her ear as she got over her astonishment. "I thought you were with Lucian."
"I was." I choked, struggling to form my words when I looked around my dad's office from the doorway.
The room was covered with different types of papers, littered around from the desk to the floor. It was like walking through a maze if I even tried to step through. I wouldn't even know what I would be stepping around. My mother turned around to look at the papers and then turned to look at me, her eyes wide with surprise.
"Oh this," she pointed at the mess that was on the floor. At that point, my dad looked up from his desk, and I could hear his heart skip a beat when he saw me. My curiosity started growing, "it's just some business that relates to your pardon and the institution you'll be going to in order to help you get better."
"An institution?" I asked, brushing passed my mother and grabbing one of the papers. My eyes skimmed over it before I looked at my mom. "Will I be living there permanently or just temporary?"
"It's up to what you decide." My mom said, closing the door behind her so we could talk in private. "We're not putting you in a prison, but we do want you to get better."
"And locking me up in someplace?" I questioned, feeling a bit betrayed by this action my parents were taking. "Like the same place I was forced to stay and grow up in?"
My mom looked down at the ground, silent. She let out a huff of aggravation and sadness. I knew she wanted there to be some way to help me, but locking me up felt like the last thing I needed. It scared me that I would be subject to the same torture I had gone through. At that idea, my throat began to close up in a panic.
"I'm not being locked up," I stated, crossing my arms over my chest. "Now what are all these papers?"
"Penny I told you they're just papers for the institution and your release." My mom took the paper from my hand and looked it over. "See? I was right."
"Then explain it to me."
My mom grabbed my hands and led me over to a couch. My dad pushed his chair so he wasn't too far from the two of us. He had his hands rested on his lap as my mother began to explain. She held out the papers, pointing and showing me that plan they had come up with spontaneously to let the pack be happy with my release. My eyebrows raised in astonishment; they had thought of every possible angle.
My parents had told the pack I would be released, but in return, I wasn't allowed to come back until my mind was healed. I would take an evaluation by several pack doctors around the country every six months until I was deemed sane. Until that day, I would be sent to Lucian's pack to stay with him. Every day from a certain time in the morning to a certain time of day I would spend time in the institution. They would be performing different procedures on me, mostly medicine but others...
"Magic?" I asked, looking at them with confusion. "What will magic solve?"
"There are witches that are just like Lilura who can enter someone's mind." My dad explained. "The witches are a last resort, and they can be trusted."
"You never trusted witches in the first place." I scoffed. "That's what Oliver said, and so many other people."
"There are witches that can help and then there is the opposite." He said, telling me plainly as he sat back in his chair. He grabbed the coffee mug that was sitting on the desk and sipped it. "These witches help anyone who is desperate enough to get help. They can cure so many things, and can benefit anyone who's willing."
"Why not just take the easier route," I muttered to myself, not quite sure if they could hear me or not.
"They train the mind to fix itself." My dad smiled hopefully. "The pack is trying to be forgiving, you just need to trust us."
"I don't think I can."
"Of course you can." My mother unclasped the necklace around her neck, the one that I had seen with the memories. "Take this, so you'll always hold your family close to your heart. We love you so much."
I got up from the chair and left my father's office after taking her gift. I hadn't realized how long they took to explain the entire paperwork. It didn't seem like a lot, but they had gone through so many places around the country trying to find a place like the one they had found. They put in so much effort to treat me, but in the end, my decision was still made.
I didn't want to deal with my mind trying to fix itself because there was nothing to fix. They couldn't change what couldn't be fixed. Instead, there needed something to be erased, and all I needed was Lilura. My parents may have had the best interest for me, but only I knew what I needed.
When I walked up the remaining steps, I looked outside to see how dark it was. I couldn't tell how dark it was, but I could only assume it was a little past midnight. The packed house had gotten silent, and only a few footsteps were heard from a few teenagers upstairs. I sighed, walking towards the kitchen to think.
As I made a cup of tea I couldn't help but let my mind wander. Would I be the same person if I got my memory taken? I knew I was taking my memory away, but my entire family still had theirs. They would have to pretend around me, and I didn't want that to happen. I wanted my life to be real, but at the same time I couldn't live with the reality I was in now. A fresh start was all I needed, even if a portion of it would be a lie.
I sipped my tea slowly as I sat on the island in the center of the kitchen. There were so many good things that could come out of this, but at the same time, there would be some bad things. My life was going to change, whether or not I went through with this. If I didn't, I would be sent to this institute my parents were determined to put me in. If I did, then I would have no memory of killing my brother and the last seventeen years in that painful prison I was forced to live in. Either way, I was going to be a better person.
I heard someone walk into the kitchen, a blanket wrapped around them. I looked up to see her dark skin and soft smile. She sat down across from me, a piece of paper in her hands. My eyebrows scrunched in confusion, and she sighed and began to read it.
"These are my terms to put your memory somewhere else," Lilura said, and I nodded at her words. "I will erase the memory of killing your brother, but you will still fully understand how he died."
"So I will believe that I didn't do it?" She nodded her head.
"I'm a trickster witch, so I can manipulate your memory a little." She continued to read the paper. "All the memory of being in that prison will remain as such."
"But-"
"However, only the negative emotions of that prison will be erased." Lilura smiled at me, a sad smile that showed she felt bad for me. "I've contemplated doing the same for myself, but I know I need to live with it. You can't and I understand."
"Will the madness go away?" I asked, sipping my tea, and it was only then I realized my hands were shaking with nerves.
"Everything that is connected to your madness will be erased." She smiled nicely. "You'll still know you're the next Moon Goddess. You'll still know that Clayton is dead. You'll still know you can't come back to the pack for a while. Everything will be the same except for the things you remember about his death and the prison. I'll put the memory in the same necklace your mom put the memories of you in it. Once you're stable enough I can always put the memory back."
"Then let's do it." My heart jumped as I took her hands in hers.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
I could feel Lilura entering my mind, and the memories of my brother flashed before my eyes. The memory of trying to kill myself in that prison was removed. I could feel all the emotions I had felt in there being pulled out. I kept my eyes closed, feeling the memories being pulled out. It didn't hurt, but it wasn't comfortable either.
It was at that moment where I felt most vulnerable that I heard it. The faint side of a heartbeat. It was coming from me but it wasn't my own heartbeat. It was the thing Lucian had been trying so hard for me to hear. The heartbeat of the child I was unknowingly carrying.
_______________________________________A/N
A DOUBLE UPDATE WHAT??
I thought it would be great to give you guys two chapters. You guys have been so supportive with this trilogy I couldn't resist.
I'm loving where this story is going, and I can't wait for it to end. I'm so excited for you guys to see what I have planned for future books.
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