family meeting
the thing i had been dreading since i got here
there was so much anxiety building up to this moment, my therapist didn't know he hurt me yet. somehow my mom hasn't noticed in all these years even with the verbal abuse she gets from him daily. i was terrified to see him again, what if he hits me here? what would happen?
"luke it's time for your family session" a nurse said popping her head into my room-empty other than me.
i walked down the white hallway to a room with a therapist before seeing my mom and chris
"Hi luke, so we're going to confront some of the issues that had you placed here. Is there anything you'd like to tell me in private before we start the session"
now's your chance luke. tell her
i nodded and a nurse led the other two out of the room
"okay luke, what's going on"
"my moms husband-my step dad, chris, he abuses me. physically and mentally"
—
"ashton is there really nothing you want to say to me?" my mom asked sitting across the room from men
"i don't know what you want me to say mum"
"why can't you stop ash? what's so bad that you need to cut open your skin?"
"don't you get it? i'm depressed, i've been fucking depressed for years! and now you put me in this stupid place!"
"ashton, nurse Alice will take you for a drink, take the time to calm down. We'll end this session here"
walking back into my room was a reminder of why i'm here. nobody cares about me, nobody's ever here for me, this goddamn room is empty i can't even talk to anyone. so i slowly made my way into the bathroom doing the only thing that would make me feel better...
—-
"calum thomas hood what were you thinking!"
i stayed silent staring at my stupid hospital socks
"calum honey i know you're going through things but you're at a rehabilitation center to get better baby" my mom said through the phone
"i know"
"you're not getting better, you just tried to kill yourself honey"
"mum it doesn't just happen immediately, it's hard and i've gotta try. i have to take time"
"i just hope you know you're not going to get discharged until you're actually better"
"i know mom"
"okay honey, i have to go run some errands i'll call you tonight, i love you"
"love you too"
i sighed getting off the chair underneath the phone and walking back into our room. quiet sobs were coming from the bathroom and i slowly pushed it open
"ashton"
he looked up at me with watery eyes, a blade sitting in front of him but no blood was visible.
"my mom thinks i'm a failure" he choked out "i am"
"no, no, no, ashton you're not. you're amazing man, sure you've got your problems but we all do. obviously"
he took shaky breath and shrugged "how was your call"
"just a normal conversation with my mom, nothing special. i'm guessing your session wasn't great" i said motioning to the blade next to us and he nodded
"she just doesn't get it and i love her, i do. she just doesn't get that i'm not happy, that i'm depressed and it really has nothing to do with her. it's all me"
"luke should be back soon. he had a family session too"
ashton nodded "what about michael?"
"yeah, he got transported to the hospital to check his vitals and stuff, make sure he's gaining weight"
"god we're all so fucked up" ashton laughed and i smiled slightly
—
"so michael, we're going run a few tests just so we can properly diagnose you. Today we'll be taking your complete blood count just drawing some blood, no biggie, we'll be doing a urinalysis and we'll just have you pee into a cup, and then it gets a bit more complicated. We have to take your complete metabolic profile, we're gonna scan you're thyroid, and we'll be taking a electrocardiogram. Because you're 15% below you're ideal body weight for your age and height we'll also be doing a chest x-ray just to make sure everything's okay in there"
fuck that's a lot
"until we're ready to start those, which should only take about an hour our hospital psychologist will be visiting you to decide if you need to stay at the rehabilitation center you're currently at or if you can go home"
thank god "okay"
the hospital room was boring and cold, they kadence me change my clothes into some stupid hospital gown and it was cold. i'm still not allowed to have my phone which is bullshit if you ask me
"hi michael, my name is doctor braillela, i'm the psychologist here. we're jusy gonna go through a few questions. In the past two weeks, how often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless?"
"um a decent amount?"
"would you say half?"
"yeah"
she jotted something down in her notebook before looking back up at me "have you had any thoughts of suicide?"
"like just in general"
"in the past two weeks"
"yes"
"anything you plan to act on?"
"no"
"how is your sleep"
"it's fine, normal"
"how has your energy been, the same as usual or more sluggish?"
"same"
"Do you become deathly afraid or frightened when you are asked to leave your home or try something unfamiliar?"
"not afraid but i get nervous"
"Do you experience excessive perspiration, headaches and/or gastrointestinal distress when faced with a challenging situation like taking a test, going on date or interview or teaching a class?"
"not really"
"can you elaborate a bit michael?"
"i've gotten sick a few times when i was supposed to go on a date but i don't think it really applies"
she nodded writing that down and i rolled my eyes 'how was that helpful'
"Do you often become nervous, agitated and fearful, for no apparent reason?"
"nope"
"How do you feel right now?"
"kinda annoyed, i don't wanna be here" she nodded giving me a sympathetically look
"Are you angry, frustrated or sad?"
"not right now"
"Do you feel like you may hurt yourself or others?"
"not now"
"Have tried to hurt yourself in the past?"
"yeah"
"when and where?"
"i've self harmed for awhile mostly on my stomach, i tried to kill myself a few times"
"Do you care how others feel about you?"
"kind of, i don't want them to think i'm too fat"
"What have you done in the past to cope with your feelings?"
"self harmed mostly, or purged"
"Have you ever used or abused alcohol or drugs?"
"no"
"okay michal, from the information i've gathered i'm going to diagnose you with depression and anxiety, from what you've said about suicidal thoughts and self harm i am recommending that you continue with your rehabilitation as of now. i'll let the doctor know you're ready for your tests"
fucking hell, i should have lied