My body suddenly started to shake, as every muscle in my neck tensed up like no tomorrow. The second after that, my teeth started to chatter, and I could feel my lips turning blue even though Clare's warmth was still pressed against mine. Unfortunately, I wish I could have done more. My body was in the final stages of needing to escape, which ultimately ruined the moment. Without warning, I pushed myself away from Clare, breaking the hold she had around my neck. Simultaneously, like a hickey, the ice cream had left its mark on my flesh.
Meanwhile, Clare seemed to be fighting something else mentally as she stood there while her arms fell back down to her sides. The look on her face turned from pure euphoria and joy as if life couldn't get any better, to disappointment and confusion. My decision to retreat from the kiss had left a scar on her, and I couldn't let her think that this was her fault as I quickly tried to recollect myself.
"I'm sorry," Clare said, looking down at her feet.
"It's not your fault Clare," I told her as quickly as possible, but she only shook her head.
"But you moved away from me because of the kiss, right?" She asked, and that was the last thing I wanted her to think.
"What? No. I moved away because your ice cream cone was pressing against my neck, and I was starting to get a little chilly." I joked to show her that I wasn't mad.
Thankfully it seemed to do the trick and lighten the mood. Then the more I laughed, the more I started to find it entertaining. Showing Clare the entertainment I got from all of this seemed to help her cope with her feelings as she suddenly joined in and laughed with me. There were only so many sights in life that I cherished, and seeing the smile on Clare's face when she laughed was one that I would hold dear. It was like time had slowed down, and I watched as her hair blew in the wind, the freckles on her nose, and the sparkle in her eyes. They all captivated me, and if I cared to try, I'd never be able to pull my eyes off the girl.
"Oh, seriously?" She said mid-laugh. Then she looked down at the ice cream cone and noticed the top had been crushed. "Well, I guess we have our funny first date story now."
Hearing those words made my heart race. Something between us was blossoming, and I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face. However, what fell from my lips were words that even caught me by surprise.
"Yea. Hopefully, next time we can have a funny moment that isn't so cold." I joked while she simply stopped and looked at me with wide eyes.
"Next...time?" She mumbled, and I wasn't sure I heard her right as she remained oblivious to her emotions.
She was blushing intensely, her cheeks turning a rosy red shade, but as much as I wanted to watch her fight whatever was going on in her head. I couldn't since I was walking through a minefield of my own. It was like my mind had opened Pandora's box. Hardly thinking twice, I walked around to the other side of the car and looked at Clare one last time before opening the door and climbing in. Clare seemed to notice my absence, and a few moments later, she followed my lead and got in the passenger side. The two of us were still lost in thought, likely because of the same thing, but again my heart was on the verge of ripping in half as it debated who was the better girl. Hannah or Clare, since I could only describe the kiss with Clare as magical.
It didn't take long after that for both of us to click in our seatbelts, and for me to start the car once more. The engine roared to life, and we inevitably pulled away from the ice cream shop that, till the day we died, would be where Clare and I had our first date. Meanwhile, inside the car, there was only a growing silence as we contemplated the kiss and the feelings that came with it. I couldn't shake my mixed emotions and occasionally looked over at Clare to simply take in the sight of her. The feelings that had blossomed between us were only becoming more intense.
Why am I this stupid? What am I even doing? Why can't I just forget about Hannah and give my heart to Clare? I found myself asking my emotions, but there wasn't an answer waiting for me afterwards. Something inside me still craved Hannah, and I just needed a distraction as I stopped at a red light. As if she could hear my desire to think of something else, Clare looked at me, and I looked at her only to notice that her eyes were wide as she seemed to pick her words carefully.
"So next time, eh?" She finally spoke and still lost in my thoughts, I didn't really think about my response.
"Hmm?" I asked, prompting a smile from Clare.
"Yea. Back at the ice cream shop. You said that there was going to be a next time? Does that mean you'd like to kiss me again?" She asked, and my heart continued beating faster.
"Did I?" I asked back, trying to buy myself some time, hoping I'd have an answer to my dilemma, but like before, I only came up with nothing.
"Yes, you did. Does that mean you enjoyed kissing me? Was I good at it?" Clare asked, and I didn't know what to say.
For a few seconds, all I could do was hope that the light turned green as we stayed in silence. In those moments, I suddenly had flashbacks of Hannah. They were berating me, reminding me of what I couldn't have, and out of desperation, I looked over at Clare. As if she had some power, just seeing her was enough for me to force the images of my old crush onto the sidelines. My mind made it clear that it only had a dying passion for Clare now, and I couldn't stop the smile growing on my face while my heart spoke for me once more.
"Honestly, Clare...I can officially say that I have a reference kiss now." I mentioned as she smiled but still seemed hesitant.
"So, does that mean it was a good kiss?" She asked again, but I was struggling with my words.
"I mean, I'd do it again," I told her, and it may not have been the most romantic thing that I could've said, but it seemed to be enough to reassure Clare.
"Good, because so would I, and I- never mind." She abruptly ended her sentence, and I wondered what she could have added, but her actions spoke louder than her words.
Once again, my focus was back on the road, and in my peripherals, I could see Clare moving her hand closer to mine when at the last second, the light turned green. Taking my hand off the gear shifter and putting it back on the wheel, Clare didn't even have a chance to make contact. I felt terrible for moving my hand away. Still, all I could do was play it off as if I was oblivious to her movement, and in turn, she slowly retracted her hand and looked back out the passenger window.
"So now what?" I asked to kill the silence as a gloomy reply echoed out of Clare while she continued to watch the world race around us.
"Just take me home, I guess. It's been kind of a long day, and I should start packing for the trip." She said while the emotion in her voice seemed to be absent.
"Are you sure? We still have time." I mentioned as she looked away from the window before slumping back in the seat.
"No, I'm sure. Thanks though. Besides, my parents haven't seen you since we were kids. I'm sure they'd be happy to see you again." She said, and she wasn't wrong there. It had been ages since I had last seen her parents, who seemed to have taken a liking to me from the start.
"Yea, I'm sure they would. I guess I can make a new first impression on them today, now that we're young adults.
"Well, you made quite the impression on me today." She teased, and her way of flirting with me only made my cheeks pinker by the second.
"Anything for a friend who's also my new fake girlfriend," I replied before everything got quiet.
I wasn't sure what had happened, but Clare seemed hurt when I looked at her. Her eyes were looking down at her feet, and another wave of tears seemed to be welling up on her lower eyelids, but she didn't let them linger. Quickly wiping them from her face, the two of us simply returned to sitting there in silence as I turned onto another street and approached the house sitting on the corner of the cul de sac circle.
"Where should I park?" I asked as she looked up and stared out the windshield.
"Out front is fine. I figured you wouldn't be staying long anyway." Clare retorted, and her words did some damage when they hit me.
"I mean, I could if you wanted me to?" I suggested, but she only shook her head.
"That's sweet, but I don't want to keep you from going home, and besides, I don't think I'm ready to tell my parents I have a fake boyfriend yet." She explained, and everything was starting to make sense.
"Clare, look, I didn't mean to offend you by calling you my fake girlfriend. I noticed you got upset once I said it, and I should have said something sooner, but as of this moment, Clare, you're the closest thing to a relationship I've ever had. You're my best friend, and I'm not sure how to make things better right now. Still, I want you to know that that kiss meant a lot to me today. I know you'll probably disagree or say I'm lying, but I'm glad I was able to kiss someone as amazing as you and make you smile. Again I'm sorry for calling you, my fake girlfriend. From here on out, you are my girlfriend as long as you still want me to be your boyfriend." I told her as we inched closer to her house.
"Thank you, James. That does mean a lot, and I was upset because I didn't think you were going to take this seriously. It just hurt my feelings a bit when I heard the word fake, and of course, I want you to be my boyfriend. I mean fake boyfriend, you know what I mean. Also, since you're being honest with me, I just want to say that kiss meant a lot to me too. It made me feel a whole bunch of things, and I'm just glad it was with you, and I'm so happy we're best friends." She replied, as the tension in the car immediately started to fade away.
"Good, I'm glad we can talk about this kind of stuff and that we don't stay mad at each other. Anyway, here we are and don't worry, I'll keep our little relationship a secret." I assured her as she nodded, and the car came to a subtle stop in front of the ordinary-looking suburban house.
I couldn't recall the last time I had been to Clare's house, but seeing it now not much had changed. It was still the same shade of white and had grey paint around the windows and the door. To say the least, it was like returning to an old memory. Daniel, Clare's father, was outside pushing a lawnmower across the perfectly green grass, just like I remembered him doing in my memories. The man was crazy about his grass, and I could remember a time when he and my father talked about their lawn secrets. While he did that, Julie, Clare's mother, was elbows deep in the garden planting flowers of every colour for the upcoming summer. It was already starting to look like a painting. In unison, they both turned and looked at the challenger as its roar turned to a purr, then faded completely as I pulled out the key. Simultaneously, Clare opened the passenger door, and I didn't try to stop her this time as she stepped out.
"Clare? What are you doing home? Who drove you?" I heard Daniel ask while the passenger side door was still open, then figured it was time for me to make my presence known.
Opening the driver's side door, I swung my legs out and turned to face Clare and her family while leaning on the car's roof. My presence alone was enough for Daniel and Julie's eyes to light up as massive smiles formed on their faces.
"Well, I'll be if it isn't James," Daniel said while hugging his daughter and looking over her shoulder.
"Hello, sir," I replied, and Daniel shook his head.
"Oh geez, James, you're making me feel old. Now come here. There's no reason for you to be so distant." He replied, and I knew I was locked in for whatever happened next.
With no way out of this situation, I had no choice but to walk around to the other side of the car to greet Daniel, who met me beside the passenger side door with an extended hand. Acknowledging the older man's gesture, I took his hand in mine and confidently shook it before we both turned around and looked at the car. Like my father, Daniel was also into cars, so I wasn't surprised when he got lost looking at his reflection in the panels. Although, my mind was on other things, more specifically, Clare, who was walking away from her father and me as I glanced over his shoulder. I watched as she took a seat on the edge of the flower garden with her mother beside her. Before I could follow and greet her mother, Daniel suddenly struck up a new conversation.
"So James, I didn't take you for a muscle car kinda guy." He joked as I turned my attention back to the car.
"What can I say? I like the style of good ol' American muscle, even if we're Canadian." I joked.
"Y'know, it's hard to believe that this is yours." He replied before giving my shoulder a nudge.
I knew Daniel was just joking around since anyone who knew my father was aware of his mid-life crisis purchase. However, I played along as we laughed, which could almost be described as a bonding moment. Yet part of my attention was still focused on Clare and her mother behind him. To the point that I was almost eavesdropping as they talked.
"So he's really matured, eh?" Julie asked Clare.
"Yea, he's actually really sweet," Clare replied, which only added to the smile on my face.
"Did you ask him?" Julie asked, and that's when my ears perked up. I wondered what they could be talking about when suddenly, Daniel started talking about something else in my other ear. Although I desperately tried to keep my focus on the girls.
"Mom, no, this was like our first hangout outside of school that isn't a birthday. Give it some time." Clare fired back, making me even more curious.
"Well, he is certainly a badass, a good badass, I mean." She explained, and Clare nodded as she listened.
"Meh, he's just one of the last good guys out there," Clare replied, and I was thankful that she didn't think I was a jerk.
"Yea, and he drives. Now, why don't you come with me, hun, and we'll get our boys something to drink." Julie replied, as the word our made me blush.
In that moment, I watched the two girls go back into the house before the metal door fought the springs that it was attached to before finally sealing itself shut. Meanwhile, Daniel looked at the beast of a car one last time, then turned to me, and there was clearly something on his mind.
"James, can I talk to you for a minute now that we're alone and Clare isn't around?" He asked, and I wasn't in a position to say no.
"Of course," I answered as he led the way to the front deck of the house and sat on the wooden steps that looked like they had been one of the more recent house projects.
However, that didn't matter as he looked at me and patted the space beside him. Again I didn't have any choice and hesitantly sat down next to the father of the girl that I might have had a crush on. Could he see that I was interested in Clare? I wondered while trying to hide from the awkward tension growing between us. The most uncomfortable thing was that it wasn't very often that I was put on the same level as an adult who easily had twenty years of life experience on me. That's when he started to talk, and I listened to every word.
"James, I have to say I was relieved to see that it was you when you got out of your car and not someone else." He said.
"Well, I'm glad to," I told him, but he was shaking his head before my sentence was even over.
"I don't think you understand. You see, I worry about Clare, she's my pride and joy, and like any father talking about his daughter, I only want the best for her. Then after seeing what Hannah ended up with, I've been hesitant about her hanging out with guys since I just want her to end up with someone nice. I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are nights when she just has the widest smile on her face when she talks about the things the two of you did at lunch or whatever, and I just want to say thank you for making my daughter smile. Then actually seeing you two together today, it was just a big relief, is all." Daniel explained, leaving me further blown away by his sudden confession.
Sighing happily, Daniel seemed relieved to get the words off his chest, and I was overwhelmed to the point I didn't know how or even if I should respond. However, as I thought about his words, one thing stuck out like a sore thumb. Daniel seemed to have a dislike for Nathan as well. We both seemed to understand that he was a professional man-child. All the parents who were associated with him clearly seemed to realize that. Yet that didn't explain why Hannah stayed with him, which remained the biggest mystery.
"I take it you're also not a fan of Nathan," I asked, and with a single ha, Daniel returned to his serious state.
"Not really; he doesn't have any balls, y'know what I mean. He acts tough, but besides his words, there's not much else there. Not like you, James. You're a good kid and honest to god; I can really respect you for the way you've grown up." He admitted, and I was honoured to have someone like Daniel say that.
"Well, thanks. I appreciate that." I replied while still struggling to find the right words.
"No thanks needed, James. Like I said, I should be the one saying thank you to you since I could see that my daughter was practically glowing with new energy when she stepped out of that car today." He repeated himself, and I heard him loud and clear, but his words still seemed foreign, and I needed him to clarify.
"What do you mean?" I asked stupidly, and it was as if I was asking for confidential government files as Daniel shook his head.
"That's not my place to say. I'll let her tell you when she's ready." He explained. Again there seemed to still be a secret between Clare and me that I had yet to find out.