Faith POV:
Tim's seeing someone... I never thought that would kill me inside like it does, but it hurts more than I could've imagined. Byron apparently hooked him up with a friend of a friend, and they hit it off. They've been seeing each other publicly for about three months now.
She's a singer-songwriter, newly divorced, and a couple years younger than him. She's on a roll in her career, and even joined his tour two months ago to spend more time together. She's gorgeous... Probably six foot, with long dark hair, tan skin, bright, white perfect smile. It doesn't feel fair... I feel like she just all around so much better, and after the wrongs he's done, why does he deserve that? Why does he deserve better than me, and I'm not allowed to find better than him?
I wish they weren't so head over heels for each other. That would make it so much easier to blow off. They do duets on some nights, some more gushy and romantic than others. I try not to let myself watch them, but it's hard when it's all over the tabloids.
Tim's passed all of his drug tests the last couple months, which means that he's allowed to see the girls again. Of course, this means that I'm forced to be exposed to LoveFest 2007. I'm taking them to his show tonight in Dallas for visitation. He's allowed to see them two days a week, but I have to be there, or at least nearby, to monitor it. That means traveling with the tour for the weekend, since he's traveling all week and the girls have their final week of school this week.
"Is Dallas fun?" Audrey asks, sounding excited in the backseat. I smile at her, trying to ignore the pit in my stomach as we pull up to the bus lot.
"Dallas is pretty cool." I reply, seeing him standing beside his RV, smiling as he talks to some of the guys from the band. I put the car in park and get out to grab the girls' bags. Tim hears a car door slam, turning toward the car, before rushing over.
"Hey!" He says enthusiastically to the girls, as Maggie and Audrey both rush out to hug him. Gracie avoids it, walking back to help me with the luggage.
"Thanks, baby." I say quietly to Gracie, listening to Audrey ramble on and on to Tim. We lug the bags back to where everyone else is gathered. I hand the luggage in my arms to Tim, before getting my keys out and heading back toward my car.
"I thought you were going to Dallas?" Tim asks, addressing me directly for the first time today. I turn around and point back to my car.
"I was going to drive there." I reply, watching him laugh, before motioning toward the fleet of busses behind him.
"Why don't you ride with us on the bus, instead of driving ten hours on your own?" He suggests with a smile, making me a little uneasy. I cross my arms, quickly trying to figure out an excuse not to get on the bus.
"I kind of need my car when I'm down there." I lie, watching him nod.
"We can rent one once we're down there. I'll cover it. That'd be far cheaper than gas." He insists, leaving me without an excuse now. I sigh, hoping he'll sense my discomfort with the idea, but he doesn't seem to have a clue.
"Come on, Momma!" Audrey says, dragging her bag behind her as she marches toward the bus. Maggie follows, giggling loudly. Gracie watches me, trying to decide which way she wants to go.
"Fine." I cave, grabbing my suitcase out of the car. Tim takes it from me, sparing a smile, before dragging it toward his bus driver, who stows it under the bus, along with most of the girls' things. We get on the bus, which is a newer one than the last one I was on. It's massive, and almost like home. The girls all sit down on the couches, bouncing a little, while 'ooo' -ing and 'ahhh'-ing over the nice bus. Tim smiles at them, glancing over at me, and expecting to see the same. When he doesn't, his smile fades a little, before he motions back toward the bedroom. He starts toward there, before I cautiously follow behind him. He shuts the door behind us, making me feel a little sick to my stomach.
"What's going on?" He asks directly, seeming genuinely concerned. I shrug, not wanting to answer. There's no good way to talk about anything I've been feeling. "Faith, come on..." He lets out, before sitting on the edge of the bed. "You can tell me what's wrong, or we could keep this awkward charade going the entire weekend." He says, while I bite my lip. I shrug again, unsure how to even bring it up. I throw my hands up, pacing the room as I try to think of the right words to say.
"I don't know who you are right now." I spit out, watching him cringe, as if I just slapped him. He then starts to laugh, before narrowing his eyes at me.
"What the hell are you talking about?" He replies, put off by my statement. I throw my hands up again, not exactly sure.
"You're suddenly clean, and... and you're happy... just out of nowhere. And I..." I try to think, as I feel the wheels on the RV start to roll, meaning any chance to get off just set sail. "I don't buy it, Tim. Not for a second. That scares me." I ramble, seeing him stare at me like I'm insane.
"This is because of Sara..." He says, trying to figure out what I mean. I open my mouth to deny that fact, but nothing comes out. "She's helped me a lot... with dropping the drugs and drinking... And I'm happy, because I get to see my kids for the first time in a very long time." He explains, making me feel like maybe I am crazy. Something just feels off... Maybe it's because this is the first time Tim's ever been off-limits to me. "With what happened... with Gracie... I'm sorry. I know I've said it before, but it's just... I can't seem to get my mind off of it. That whole event pushed me to a new low, and I'm so sorry that I couldn't be strong enough to fight through it." He begins to apologize, forcing tears to hang in my eyes. I don't exactly know why I'm emotional about it. Maybe it's hearing him speak in retrospect about it, like it's finally over.
"I felt really guilty." I croak out, my subconscious somehow slipping out. He looks down, as if the words wounded him a bit. "I felt like I abandoned you, but all the while, I never really had a choice. I couldn't coddle you while Gracie was going through all of this... I had to choose between you and my daughter." I try to explain, watching him nod slowly for a second.
"I understand." He says, sounding guilty himself. "How's she doin'?" He questions, making me wince. I shake my head slowly.
"She's really scared. It took about a week for her to get in the car again. Even then, she's still jumpy. Her nightmares are pretty bad too... She keeps-" I start, before stopping myself, my chest hurting. I shut my eyes tightly, hearing her howling cries in the back of my mind.
"She keeps what?" He presses, as I lean against the door.
"She keeps having nightmares that she can't wake you up... that you died, essentially. Scares the hell out of her." I admit, hugging myself tightly. He looks up at me with a stern frown on his face. "She's going to be fine though... It'll just take some time." I try to reassure him, before he puts his head in his hands.
"Craig pressured me to drink that night." He says, before looking out the window. "I thought I was doing well enough where I could stop at one, but he insisted on a second, and when I denied it, he thought that I was trying to get out of the conversation and head home. So I stayed for another drink and then lost count after that. I completely forgot about picking her up... so when the alarm went off on my phone, I panicked. I was going to call you, and tell you that I couldn't, but I knew you'd be able to tell that I was plastered. So I tried to call a cab..." He admits, confessing it all now. "I walked outside to where the cabbie said he'd be and saw a drunk blonde get in and pull away. I called for another, but the line was busy, and I was already late grabbing her. So I got in my car, and told myself it'd be fine... I picked her up, and went out of my way to be extra careful." He explains carefully, intriguing me. He's never really talked to me about it, given that we really haven't talked either.
"I remember feeling myself start to pass out, and being terrified... and angry... I was really really angry at myself. I thought I had killed our daughter that second... She was in the backseat, just humming along to the radio, and I veered, because I pretty much went limp. Then we hit the guardrail, and I just couldn't get my foot off the accelerator. I remember that I hit my head pretty hard, and that didn't exactly help things, but I remember every little sound, every little motion, every little touch... She kept touching me. She kept grabbing my arm, and shaking me, trying to get me to wake up, and I couldn't lift my head." He says, making my stomach sink. He looks down at the floor, before glancing up at me.
"So you were conscious the entire time?" I ask, making him think for a moment.
"I was conscious after impact. I mean, I knew we were going to hit it beforehand... I just couldn't move. I heard her the entire time. I know she didn't start crying until she couldn't wake me up. I know that when the officer pulled me out of the car, she slipped out and followed, clinging to my hand the entire time... Once I caught a grip, I looked back at the car, and just fell apart. I saw how close I came to killing us both, and all I could think about was you getting that call and having to come to terms with something like that. I don't think you ever could... I think you'd probably go insane before you could make sense of it." He rambles a bit, his hands shaking slightly.
"What do you mean by that?" I ask quietly.
"You love me, but I'd be the one responsible for killing our firstborn... just like if I went and shot her... I feel like you'd want to hate me with everything in you, but you just..." He says, before taking a deep breath. "You wouldn't be able to. You'd be incapable." He finishes, leaving me awestruck by the statement. I've never really thought of something so vulgar. "Maybe that's half of what's going on... Maybe you're kind of stuck in that situation right now." He lets out quietly, as the mile markers fly past the window. "You have every right to hate me... I think I've placed enough guilt for the two of us over my head, but you're allowed to be angry. It was a stupid decision made out of ignorance, and fear of losing you, which is pretty ironic." He releases, his words sounding strange to me. Something feels off. I take a deep breath, my mind running a mile a minute.
"I'm sorry... for what I said to you..." I let out, feeling like it's the right thing to say. He looks down at his hands, before breaking out a laugh.
"No, you're not." He cracks out, looking up at me with a sad smile. "You meant every word, and I know you did... But it's nothing to apologize for. Everything you said was true. I made a grave mistake, which could've killed our daughter. The idea was insane, and stupid, and you called that out. There wasn't a thing you said that was untrue." He says, a large sinking feeling in my chest.
"I'm sorry for pushing you away." I say what I really mean this time, watching him wince. He doesn't take his eyes off of me, his mind seeming to race as fast as mine. "I was scared... I was just terrified after seeing her in the hospital because of something--" I stop myself, not wanting to lay blame on him anymore than I already have. "... because of your demons... It terrified me because your faults were now hurting other people... our children... who I knew you would never have hurt in a million years, but then there we were..." I ramble, my chest aching profusely. He nods, before letting out another sad smile.
"Faith, my demons have been hurting you since day one... Gracie wasn't the first victim."