A couple things before I begin this chapter
If you missed it, chapter 14 got published, but it somehow published before the Mike Faist Masterclass chapter?? So if you missed it because of the layout, it is there 😙
ALSO, the photo is me as deer Evan Hansen LMFAO
ENJOY
trigger warnings ~ Which I often forget to put because I automatically assume trigger warnings with DEH fanfictions. I feel really bad for doing that so I'll start putting them in
I feel myself to slowly wake up, but I instantly pull the warm covers closer but want to rest longer. I snuggle deep into my pillow before looking up and realizing my pillow is Connor.
Now I'm more awake because he wasn't here when I went to bed? Okay?? I decide that sleep is more important and curl back into him. I feel the corners of my mouth tug up into a small smile. Being fully content with him, but also concerned. He would have to tell me why he snuck in later.
~2 hours later~
I feel Connor move around underneath me and wake up. I kiss his cheek lightly and look at him. "Hey babe, this was a surprise visit." I laughed and bopped his nose lightly. He frowned at it and pressed his body further into his pillow, trying to hide his face.
" Babe, is everything okay?" When I went back to bed, I had nightmares about why Connor is here unexpectedly. Was he kicked out? Was he in danger? What is going on with my boyfriend?
" I don't want to talk about it right now. Not awake enough. I'm going to make me a coffee. Want a tea or something?" Before I could even respond he mumbles under his breath, " of course you want tea, it's leaf water." And he slowly made his way down the stairs.
I grabbed my cell phone and checked to see if I had any concerned phone calls from Zoe or Connors parents. There wasn't anything. Maybe he told them he was coming here.
I decided to text Zoe, "Hey Zo! Did anything happen last night with Connor? Just concerned is all. I'm sure I'll find out soon. Just in case you're wondering, he's here. Bye!"
I sent the message off and decided I should join Connor downstairs for breakfast. When I try to find him in the kitchen, he's gone but my tea is on the counter. I check around everywhere but can't find him. I go to check if his car is still here and see him sitting on my front porch step.
He's sitting by himself, staring longingly across the street at the park. He has a cigarette in one hand, and his coffee in the other. I stare at the cigarette but know that no matter how hard I stare, I won't make him stop smoking.
We sit in silence for a while. I didn't want to pry. I know that when he gets like this, not to pry and force things out of him. I sip on my tea and him on his coffee as the park slowly starts to fill with kids because it's a beautiful Saturday morning.
"Thanks for the hot leaf water." I laugh. I love when he calls it that. It always can make me laugh and it's just our new way of talking about tea.
He just looked towards me and half smiled before looking down and finishing off the last of his cigarette. "Let's go in." Was all he said before we awkwardly made our way into my house. I stared at him as he walked in. I have a sinking feeling in my gut that I know what is about to happen.
"Evan, I need to talk to you." Was the first thing he said before he patted the couch seat next to him. I felt my whole face go red as I tried to hold back tears. I knew that he was going to break up with me. "I'm so sorry." He whispered and stared down at his feet.
I took a really shaky breath and decided I should maybe try to say something. "You want to break up with me?" My hands were sweating and my voice cracked a bit. I tried to wipe my hands off on my PJ pants but they still felt gross.
Connor turned to me, eyes red from trying to stop his own tears from coming. "What?" He let out on a breathy whisper. "Evan, I could never... I think you're way too good for me, but I need you too much to have you leave my life." I felt like the past 7 months just flashed before my eyes when he said that. I couldn't lose him either.
"Then what's going on Connor? You're making me really worried. You know that I'm here for you." I move closer to him slowly and slide my arm around him and gently begin to rub his back. He typically relaxes when I do this for him, but today was different.
"I promised you I would try to get better." He whispered and his tears began to fall. "I promised you and I fucked that up Evan! I can't even keep one single promise..." I started to think about what he could have meant and my eyes widen.
"Where?" I started to panic a bit. I should have been there for him. I should have done something to let him know I was there for him. "Evan stop blaming yourself. Please." I nodded but couldn't stop crying.
"What happened Con? I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." Connor placed his coffee down on the coffee table because his hands were incredibly shaky.
"My dad and I, we have been doing so much better, ya know? We were getting along, and doing things together and not yelling at each other every two minutes." He laughed a bit at the thought. "I was showing my mom all my art last night, going through my portfolio, and my dad kind of just made some off-handed comment about how he can't wait for me to get a real career path instead of a hobby. You know, that was the worst thing that he has ever said to me before. It made me realize that he didn't believe in me." He wiped his tears off of his blotchy red face.
"We fought a lot last night about it, but we never really settled our argument. I stormed to my room, and I was so fucking pissed off and disappointed in myself? I thought we finally were getting along and I just lashed out. I drank... a lot last night. I um... I." He tried to continue but I stopped him.
"You don't have to relive all the details, I won't pressure that out of you. I'm just happy that you're here, and that you're safe with me now." I said and kissed his forehead. I hopped up off the couch and grabbed a tub of his ice cream from my freezer. We keep ice cream here for him because it's his favourite. "Thank you" He laughed.
I ran to my bedroom and grabbed my huge comforter and ran back into the living room wrapped in it. "My little Evan burrito" He laughed as he was putting a movie into the DVD player. "What are we watching?" I asked curiously. I still couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't there for him last night. I was too busy worrying about myself and trying to find jobs that I couldn't have just called Connor.
"We, my good sir, are watching Star Wars today. The whole original trilogy. No complaints." I sighed but kissed his cheek. "Anything for you."
Connor's POV.
Sometime during The Empire Strike Back, Evan fell asleep cuddled against me. I looked at him and blinked back tears knowing that I just lied to him about what had happened. I didn't just relapse last night. I've been hurting myself for the past couple of weeks, and I've avoided doing anything sexually with him so he wouldn't see. I couldn't let him see.
He already seems so worried about me, and I'm just the monster that will continuously hurt him. He is too good to be hurt by someone like me. He is too great for me.
I lightly move Evan off of me and get up to go into his room. I wanted to see his stache of letters to himself to see if anything could lift my spirits up. I know that it's probably a bad idea to do this, but I need something, anything.
I find his box of letters, unmoved from where they were last time, but this time the box was more full, so he's still been writing. Good.
I pulled out the one that was on the top.
March 8th, 2017
Dear Evan Hansen,
Connor took you out to bowling and karaoke an hour away from here. He is the most thoughtful person in the entire world, and I swear, for someone who seemed like he didn't care about anything when I first met him, I can see that he is someone who cared VERY deeply about everything. I wish I could show him more how much he means to me. He deserves the absolute world. I can start with one seed at a time.
Sincerely, Me.
I dug through for more.
March 1st, 2017
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is a good day, and here's why. Today, Connor and I started to look at apartments together near each of the universities and colleges he really wanted to get into. I think that we have a really good chance at making this work. His parents are going to be helping us a lot with money, but I know that I've got to start to figure out my job situation for the summer so I can pay rent too. I hope Connor realizes that we are going to have his art hanging up everywhere in our new apartment. I could look at his work for hours, and find new things that I love about it. My boyfriend is the most talented person I know. I can't wait to see where he goes with his life. I can't wait to be there with him every single step of the way. I'll have to buy pom pom's, go all out on this whole cheerleader thing. hahaha. good one me. Okay, I've gotta go to class.
Sincerely, me.
I looked up from reading that one and tucked it into my bag. I needed to keep that one. I know Evan probably wouldn't mind, seeing as it does help me a lot, but I don't want to tell him I went snooping again.
I made my way to the living room to see Evan still asleep on the couch. I picked him up, and set him back on my lap and played with his hair.
"Dear Connor Murphy, today is a good day, and here is why. Today you were shown again what love feels like. You were reminded that someone on this earth cares more about you than you could ever imagine. And you love them more than you thought possible. I'm going to marry this boy." I said out loud and smiled. "Sincerely, Me."