She wished that she was better at lying to herself
Hailey is asleep and Carl is making a shank for his sister to fill the time when the girl starts talking to him in his last detention, he likes her straight away. She knows how to make weapons and she's ok with drugging the teacher. When she introduces herself as Bonnie and asks him if he wants to ditch he only hesitates for a second before agreeing, he pauses in the doorway and looks back at Hailey, hesitating on whether he should wake her and bring her along. She looks so peaceful though asleep on the desk and she had said it herself, they were allowed to have friends other than each other, besides Bonnie was calling him and if they wait any longer they would get caught. He ignores the sinking feeling in his stomach and the sense that he's somehow betraying his best friend. He tries not to dwell on the guilt as he passes through the school gates with Bonnie, it's harder then he thought.
Hailey is woken by the shrill ringing of the bell signalling the end of lunch, she had only meant to close her eyes for a second but Carol had been giving birth to her little cousin last night and she had spent the early hours of the morning at the hospital with her family, understandably she was pretty tired after that. She looks around the classroom where she had been serving her last detention, Carl is nowhere in sight and everyone else has already left for last period. She looks down at her desk noticing a note from Carl.
"Ditched detention and last period, see you later at home" Hailey frowned, normally she and Carl ditched together, and even when one of them stayed behind they always told each other what they were doing first, they never just left. The crushing feeling was back in her chest again, all the air was being squeezed out of her lungs, or maybe Carl had somehow become her air and she hadn't noticed until he had left and suddenly she couldn't breathe. Carl hadn't just ditched school, he had ditched her as well. Maybe it was nothing and she was overreacting but it didn't feel that way, it felt like she had lost him all over again.
$$$$$
Hailey was sitting at the dining table with Debbie and Mandy, talking about the skank that stole Debbies boyfriend when Carl finally got home. He proceeded to destroy her emotionally almost immediately upon entering.
"How do you know when you're in love," Carl said wistfully.
"When you want to rip their heart out of their chest and stomp on it" Debbi spat.
"When you want to rip out your own heart and set it on fire" Hailey continued. There was a ringing in her ears she could barely breathe was this what a panic attack felt like?
Debbie stared at Hailey worriedly, the other girl had a distant look on her face and all the light had seeped out of her eyes, Debbie didn't think that she had ever seen anyone love the way that Hailey loved Carl. He didn't deserve her, how could he not know that Hailey was totally gone on him, it was so painfully obvious.
Carl gave Hailey a strange look "When have you been in love?" he asked, for some reason the idea of Hailey loving some guy he had never met didn't sit well with him.
Hailey looked Carl dead in the eyes "I've never been in love but I've been heartbroken and it might as well be the same thing" She stood from her chair abruptly turning to the two other girls at the table "Debs, Mandy I was wondering if you wanted to stay at my place tonight, we can have girl time" Debbie nodded immediately grabbing Mandy's hand and dragging the confused girl out the door.
Carl stared disappointedly after Hailey, he had wanted to tell her about robbing the stoor with Bonnie and ask her how she thought he should get back into detention but he would just have to figure it out on his own.
When Debbie got up to Hailey's room after the other girl had run out of the kitchen Hailey was crying. Debbie wished that Hailey would scream and rage or sob or do something but she was just sitting on her bed silent tears running down her face mascara smudged under her eyes. It was pretty clear that what Hailey felt for Carl was more than just a crush, more than just a sudden attraction. Hailey had loved Carl for a long time before now without ever realising it.
Hailey breathed out shakily and looked up at Debbie through the tears "Why am I not enough?"
Mandy took a sharp breath in she had never seen heartbreak like this before. She had seen the glossy eyes and stiff spine of her mother as she had treated the bruises and cuts after Terry was done, had seen the same thing in her own mirror. She had seen silence so cold it burned from Ian when her brother couldn' say the right words, had seen him walk away. She had seen denial and cigarette smoke and distant eyes from Mickey when Ian's back was turned. She had never seen tears and shaky hands had never seen what heartbreak looked like when that person had never even gotten love in the first place. It was a terrible thing to look at.
Mandy spoke softly "Hailey what happened?" lighting up her last joint and handing it to the younger girl, she didn't think it was possible but Hailey might need it more then she did.
Hailey's hands shook as she took a deep breath, taking in as much smoke as possible breathing it out she whispered "He doesn't love me and he never will but I can never learn how to make my heart forget him" More tears rolled down her cheeks.
The three girls sat in silence for a while before Debbie spoke again "My brother has broken her and he doesn't even realise"
$$$$$
Debbie woke up the next morning with a stiff back from sleeping on the floor. She and Hailey had both decided after Mandy had left last night that they couldn't sit around and just let the boy's in their life destroy them. They were going to be proactive. For Debbie's problem, it was a simple case of scaring Matt's new girlfriend off. For Hailey things were a little bit more complicated. Debbie turned to watch the other girl carefully, Hailey was sitting with her back on the bed and was smoking a cigarette. After all the tears of last night, Hailey had been eerily calm and Debbie was waiting for her to snap and do something drastic like kill someone or set Carl's room on fire. There was nothing though, just silence, except it wasn't just silence because when Debbie looked into Hailey's eyes it was like looking at the sea before a storm before the waves really started crashing the shore when the sky rolled with clouds so black it looked like the end of the world had come early. Last night she had thought that the silent tears had been the eye of the tornado everything perfectly still while the rest of the world was torn apart. Debbie was just realizing this morning that the storm hadn't even started yet.
Hailey breathed out the smoke of her cigarette "Were gonna fuck a bitch up today Debbie" She spoke for the first time that morning "she should have known better than to take someone else's man" Hailey's voice was hollow when she spoke, Debbie didn't think that Hailey was just talking about Matt's new girlfriend anymore.
$$$$$
Debbie had never walked through school with Hailey before which was something she kind of regretted now that she was doing it because Hailey put out such an air of general danger and violence when she strode down the hall that people were actually scattering back out of her way. She couldn't blame them really because Hailey was fucking pissed.
They had gotten to school that morning after putting the snake in Seema's Car and for about 2.5 seconds Hailey's mood could have even passed as happy then she had seen what Carl had done on the lockers to get back into detention and ever since then she had been a tightly coiled mass of intense rage. She was starting to feel a bit sorry for this girl Carl was infatuated with because Hailey genuinely wasn't someone you should fuck with. Debbie glanced at the lockers again "Fucking idiot" she sighed.
Hailey was genuinely starting to feel like she was actually losing her mind. She had briefly considered getting sent to detention as well, but fuck playing the third wheel while some other chick was all over the love of her life, she would die first, or kill someone, maybe both.
"Remind me why what we did for me wouldn't work for you again?" Debbie spoke from across the lunch table they were sharing.
Hailey rolled her eyes she loved the other girl but honestly Debbie could be so clueless sometimes "because Carl would know it was me straight away and he would ask all sorts of questions I can't answer and because this chick isn't some rich northside idiot, she's legit, if Carl likes her it means she wouldn't be scared off easily"
Debbie nodded "So what's your plan exactly?" she asked.
Hailey smirked "I'm going to hang out with Carl this afternoon and because he's oblivious as fuck he's going to tell me all about her without me even having to ask then I will report all the information back to you and we will make a decision from there" Debbie nodded in understanding but before she could reply Hailey spoke again "Can you be at my place at around six tonight I may need you to stop me from doing something... drastic" Debbie never thought she'd see the day Hailey asked to be held back but desperate times.
$$$$$
Debbie was watching Hailey pace the floor of her small room, balling and unballing her fists while she ranted manically about the information she has gotten from Carl. Debbie thought Hailey might be starting to calm down when she stops moving for a second but before Debbie can move to hug her friend Hailey strikes out at a framed picture of her and Carl from her bedside table and throws it directly at the wall Debbie shocked at Hailey who is in the middle of transitioning from maniacal laughter to great heaving sobs.
"He robbed a store Debbie, we had promised to rob our first store together and he did it without me" Hailey is laughing again now "I don't know how to do this Debbie, the really fucked up thing is at this point I'll take as much of Carl as I can have, if that means all I get is to be his friend then I'll take it and I'll fucking smile while I cut my heart out of my rib cage for a boy that want's someone else" Hailey kneels in front of the broken photo fram picking the picture out of the glass and staring at it as tears sowly drip down onto the photo in her hands. It was taken one summer ago and she and Carl are both smiling brightly with there arms slung over each others shoulders there's a car burning behind them.
"Surely there's something you can do" Debbie tries to assure.
"There is nothing, all that's left is for me to pick up my pieces put on a smile and be there for him" Hailey drops the photo back onto the ground. She stands up turning to face Debbie "He isn't mine anymore maybe he never was"
$$$$$
Bonnie watched the stranger from across the bed of Carl's dad, when she had arrived Carl had gone straight to her and they had hugged like they hadn't spoken in a million years. Carl had never hugged Bonnie that way, never gotten the same look on his face when he had seen her. He was holding her hand now instead of Bonnie's. She didn't get it Carl obviously liked her, he had kissed her stolen a car with her, so why was he standing holding hands with some other girl.
Hailey made eye contact with Bonnie from across the room and she could see the obvious pain and confusion in the other girl's eyes. As much as she hated Bonnie, she didn't want the other girl feeling what she felt over Carl. Nobody deserved to feel as hollowed out as she had. She sighed deeply and prepared for the torture she was about to inflict upon herself, she prepared to try and let Carl go.
"Go be with your girlfriend Carl" She stated quietly. Carl stared at her shocked for a second, she thought she saw something else flicker in his eyes for a second pain maybe but at this point, she was mostly just lying to herself. He nodded moving to stand over with Bonnie, Hailey felt another piece of herself break at having to actually see them together. She would deal with it though, for him.
$$$$$