The cave, as it turns out, is perfectly safe, but it's a long time before we leave to find the others. They're gathered under an overhang, trying to get a fire started. Rather, Bard and Sadra are. Ismeni sits with her back to both of them, staring angrily at nothing. When Luca and I approach, holding hands, she narrows her eyes and breathes heavily through her nose, practically snorting with rage.
"We found a cave," I say, shooting for nonchalance. Sadra smirks in a way that makes it clear she has a very good idea of what we've been up to. "Is there water?"
"There's a spring, but it's not close by," Bard says. "We filled all the water skins if you're thirsty."
"I don't mind walking," I say, shifting uncomfortably. I need to clean up.
"You can follow Kirit back to the cave," Luca says. "Where's the spring?"
Bard points us in the right direction and I set out with Luca, leaning heavily on his arm. No matter what I told Bard, I really am wiped and my back hurts like hell. But I'm so relieved and so happy to have Luca back that I don't mind it.
We take our time at the spring. The sun has come out, so we take our clothes off and let them dry on a bush while we bathe. Afterward, we sit with our feet dangling in the pool and the sun warming our backs. I can't enjoy it as much as I want to, though, because there's something Luca and I still have to talk about.
"Luca," I say. "How much do you know about what we're doing? What has Bard told you?"
"Bard didn't tell me anything," Luca says, surprising me. "I only know what you told Ismeni."
"And you still came," I say. My stomach twists painfully.
"Of course I came," he tells me. "I love you."
"I love you, too," I say, my voice catching. "And I need to tell you why we're going...wherever it is Bard is taking us."
"Is it not to take the shadow off your mind?" Luca asks. There's no judgment in his voice, just curiosity.
"No, that's part of it," I say. "But there's something else. Or there may be. I'm hoping this man--the Apostate--he might be able to send me home."
"Home," Luca says. "You mean..."
"To my own world," I say. "To my old life."
"That's what you meant when you said I couldn't go with you," Luca says sadly.
"Yes," I say, forcing myself to look at him. "If I were sure I'd be coming back...you have to know I would have begged you to come with me, or wait for me. But I have to go home, if I can."
I tell him everything--my grandmother, the hallucinations, the Cage, the dreams, anything I can think of. He listens patiently, keeping my hand in his the entire time. When I'm done, he pulls me to his side and kisses my hair. A tear slides down my face and drips off the tip of my nose.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"Don't be," Luca says, touching my cheek lightly. "I'm not. Whatever happens, I'm glad I got to love you for a time."
"It hurts," I sigh. "I wish..."
"I know," he says. "So do I."
* * *
"Hi, Sasha. Here, let's get you a little more vaseline."
I continue to stare at nothing. I barely register the girl's words or the greasy goop she puts on my lips. They're chapped from constant smacking and chewing. My hand wags back and forth incessantly, flopping like a fish in my lap. It hurts my wrist, but I can't stop.
"Tara wanted to come, but she has an audition in the morning," the girl says. "For a professional company. I was hoping she'd go to Joffrey with me next year, but...anyway. She wanted to be here. I brought some music. What'll it be--Prokofiev? Shostakovich? Or I've got American stuff, too. Appalachian Spring, maybe?" She pauses, then continues as if I answered. "Copeland it is."
She puts the music on and sits, spreading books and notebooks around. The music gets my attention in a way her words didn't. It carries meaning, though I'm not quite sure what that meaning might be. It makes me want to do...something. But I can't do anything but sit rigidly in my chair, wiggling my hands and chewing on myself while my mind starts and stops and turns in on itself in an endless loop.
Eventually, the girl gathers up her books. She reaches for me and my hand shoots out to grab hers in a vice-like grip. She kisses my cheek and tries to pull her hand away. It takes her several tries but she eventually works her hand free and walks away. She doesn't look back.
* * *
We stay in the cave for two days until I'm strong enough to keep going. Ismeni is still mad, but there's not much she can do. I finally accept the fact that there's nothing I can do, either. She'll believe what she wants to believe no matter what I say. So I don't say anything, and she jumps through whatever hoops she has to in order to avoid saying anything to me.
Now that Luca and I have made up, a lot of the tension in the group eases. I wonder if maybe I was imagining it. Or what if I was actually the one causing it? Whenever I think like that, I start to squirm like I have ice cubes in my pants. I don't like the idea that it was me making everyone miserable.
As we start to come together as a group, it becomes more and more obvious to everyone that Ismeni is not a part of that group. The part of me that's petty and mean is viciously pleased by this, but most of me is sad--and worried. I don't know what I'm worried about, exactly, but I do know that ostracising someone who's already angry and bitter is bound to cause problems at some point.
I try talking to the others about it and they agree with me. We try to be nice and reconcile with her and include her, but Ismeni doesn't cooperate. She's mean and grouchy and sarcastic and just...unpleasant. After nearly a week of it, we all give up and leave her alone. But I hear her crying at night and feel like it's my fault.
"There's nothing you can do," Sadra tells me as we hunt for edible plants. "She's dug herself into this...snit...and she's too proud to come out of it even if she were willing to listen to us."
"But maybe--"
"No," Sadra cuts me off. "No 'maybe.' You've tried so many times and gotten slapped down for your trouble. Stop torturing yourself. It's annoying."
So with that sage and oh-so-sensitive advice, I do my best to stay out of Ismeni's way. I turn my back on her tears at night and return to ignoring her during the day. One morning, though, I pass by her sleeping pallet on my way to the latrine and see her bare arm sticking out of her blanket. There are marks on it--tattoos of some kind. I don't think they're letters. I don't know what they are, but I don't think they were there when we left the palace. I know they weren't there when I was her thrall.
I wonder if I should say something to the others. Then I imagine how that scenario would play out and shake my head. I've had enough of drama and crying and yelling of hurtful things. It's probably nothing. The rest have all told me at some point (some more bluntly than others) to stop fussing about Ismeni, so I'll take their advice and leave it alone. It's nothing.
That night, Bard stops Luca from casting the usual wards. Everyone looks at him quizzically until he explains.
"We're in the real mountains now," he tells us. "It's too dangerous."
"It's dangerous to put up safety wards?" Luca asks sardonically.
"The real mountains?" Sadra cries. "What have we been climbing for the past five days? Gentle bumps in the road?"
"The creatures that live here...don't like Light," Bard explains, ignoring both of them. "The wards will only attract and agitate them."
"Then they'll come straight for Sasha," Luca protests, pulling me to his side.
For a minute I'm confused, then I remember--I don't know how I've forgotten--that I'm emitting Light like a beacon.
"Hey!" I yelp. "You've been using my Light all this time?"
"What else would I be using?" Luca asks.
"Is that what's been making me so tired?" I demand.
"It doesn't work like that," Bard says soothingly. "You project Light whether someone is using it or not."
"Can we go back to how mountain beasts are going to come after Sasha?" Luca says loudly. "What are we going to do about that?"
"Send along a perfumed invitation, perhaps?" Ismeni grumbles.
"It is impossible for you to give up an opportunity to be a hateful she-vulture, isn't it?" Sadra snaps. "Sew it up before I do it for you."
"You are vulgar," Ismeni says icily, "and utterly objectionable in every way. I don't know what my husband saw in you."
Luca makes a sound low in his throat like an angry wolf and Bard holds his hands up in a "calm down" gesture. Sadra opens her mouth to respond to Ismeni and I kick her sharply in the shin. Everyone glares at each other.
"There is danger," Bard says firmly. "But we will be vigilant, and we will be careful, and everything will be fine. Let's not kill each other and save the beasts the trouble. Now, get some sleep. I'll take first watch."
"You're not leaving my sight," Luca informs me, his arm tightening around my waist.