Lauren stayed with me until my mom finally arrived.
We didn't say anything else before that. She just sat beside me and rubbed my back quietly. Her mere presence made me feel calm and wanted. And for a few minutes, all the worries and doubts left my mind. She was here and that was all that mattered.
I looked through the window and saw my mom seated beside my dad, holding his hand. She quickly hugged me before she went inside. Tears fell from her face as she saw my dad but I knew it was going to be okay. Even after what my mom said that day when Luis attacked me, I knew she still loved my father. And the fact that he later apologized to her showed that he still cared. That was enough for me.
"Y/N." I turned to my side and saw the most beautiful girl in the world looking at me hesitantly. I guess she didn't know how to approach me or start a conversation and I didn't blame her. Things were awkward between us right now but I didn't want to leave her side yet.
I let a smile cross my face as I faced her. "Hey."
She let out a gentle smile and grabbed my arm. "Why don't we get some food?"
"Yeah," I said with a nod. "Let's go to the cafeteria."
"Actually, I was thinking somewhere outside the hospital," she said.
"But I—"
She rested her hand on the side of my face and I instantly relaxed into it. Her movement seemed so smooth and natural—like we've done this a million times before. But as soon as my lips brushed against her palm, I saw the realization on her face and she quickly withdrew her hand. She turned around and looked away from me. Did her actions mean she still felt something for me? But the moment she looked back at me, her smile was back and there was no sign of any emotion at our contact at all.
"Don't stay cooped up here, Y/N. Come on," she said as she reached out her hand to me. I looked at it then back at her. She seemed confused at first but soon enough realized her action and dropped her hand. "Are you coming?" she asked. I nodded and followed her out of the hospital.
I took a deep breath as the Miami sun touched my skin. I've been inside the hospital for three days with only fluorescent lights as my source of heat. The warm breeze caressed my face as we walked side by side on the street. I felt Lauren relax bit by bit as we talked about the little things—the shallow things that didn't have anything to do with us. Soon enough, I felt myself smiling too because I saw the light in her eyes and the happiness on her face as she laughed. I thought I'd never get to see them. I thought they were gone. But she let me take a peek through the walls surrounding her. The only question was, would she give me the chance to break it down again?
Lauren guided me inside a small café a few blocks away from the hospital. A lovely melody surrounded the interior and I could smell the distinct scent of coffee in the air. We both ordered food and coffee on the counter before moving to a table on the far end. I turned to the glass window and watched people walking by. They looked so carefree, like nothing in the world could bother them. I wonder if I'll ever be like that again.
I turned my head and saw Lauren looking at me worriedly so I offered her a casual smile and tried to start up a conversation.
"I never asked why you're here. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it but—" I couldn't finish the sentence because I didn't want it to get awkward between us. After what happened before I left, I was sure I wouldn't get to talk to Lauren anytime soon. But here she was.
"You suddenly disappeared so Camila asked Big Rob where you were. He told us your father was in the hospital. We all wanted to come but Janelle wouldn't let us. She'd only let one of us go."
"And you got the short end of the stick," I said.
She shook her head and looked out the window. "I volunteered."
Somehow I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she willingly came here to Miami for me. She was so confusing and I couldn't figure out what she wanted from me. She pushed me away and now she was here comforting me.
"Why would you do that?" I could tell she was surprised by the sudden iciness in my voice but she answered me nonetheless.
"Because I'm the only one who knows your relationship with your father. The other girls, they think you're simply distressed but I'm the only one who knows it's more complicated than that. I don't want you to have to explain to them, Y/N. Not when you need someone who understands right now."
And just like that, I'm back to square one. I was so fucking in love with this girl, it's not even funny. She does these things that just keep me gravitating back to her. It's like there's no escape from the way she made me feel. And it's frustrating because no matter how much I loved her, she was done with us.
Our orders arrived before I could say anything else. We eat in silence for a while but my curiosity got the better of me.
"So what are we?" I asked.
"Excuse me?"
"You tell me we can never be together again. And then you come here and—do all these things that make me fall harder in love with you," I said. Her eyes moved downcast and I could only sigh. "What do you want from me?"
"I'm just trying to be your friend, Y/N," she said as she looked up at me. "At least we could be that."
I shook my head as I leaned back on my chair. "Lauren, you know how I feel about you. You know damn well that I can't be just friends with you."
In one swift move, she leaned forward and placed her hand over mine on the table. "Y/N, please. I can't... lose you."
"But you can't have me either," I said matter of factly and I saw the clear sadness on her face. I still had some sort of effect on her but that didn't mean anything if she didn't let me in once again. I pulled my hand away from under hers and intertwined our fingers together. The move surprised her but I only squeezed tighter. "I know, in my heart, that I still have a place in yours. And I want you to believe that from now on, I will treasure that place forever. All you need to do is give me one more chance."
"Don't do this, Y/N. Don't push me away like this," she said.
"Funny, that's exactly what you're doing to me," I replied, my voice hard as a rock. I slowly loosened my grip and watched as her hand leaves mine. It seemed like hours passed and we still hadn't touched our food or moved in general. We just sat there looking at each other trying to convey our feelings through our eyes. And I saw the moment Lauren decided to shut me out once again.
"I'm sorry, Y/N."
There was no pounding in my head nor ache in my heart at her words. Maybe because I already expected her answer even before the conversation started. Now, I just felt numb. And it was the worst feeling in the world. Why?
Because it meant my heart and mind finally admitted that there was no way we were getting back together. And it was already in the process of trying to move on.
"Thank you for coming here and supporting me." My tone was so formal and so distant that even I didn't recognize it. A look of hurt crossed Lauren's face but it didn't matter to me anymore. "I'm fine now. So you could go. Thank the girls for me and tell them everything's okay now."
I stood up and prepared to leave but her voice stopped me in my tracks. "Y/N, please don't do this."
There were a thousand possible meanings of those five words. Don't go, we still need to talk. Don't turn your back on me. Don't hate me. Don't shut me out. But the one thing I was sure of is that out of those thousand meanings, not one would make me stay.
"Goodbye, Lauren."
-//-//-//-//-//-
When I arrived back at the hospital, I saw my mother resting her head on the side of the bed. She had her hand intertwined with my father's as he watched television. There were two officers standing by the wall. I don't even know why they're here. It's not like my father was some sort of witness to a crime or something. They should be out there looking for the ones who shot him in the first place.
I sighed and opened the door to the room. My father looked at me as soon as he saw me step inside. My mom didn't move from her position so I moved to the other side of the bed and sat down. His eyes never left mine even as I looked out the window.
"Is something wrong, son?" I turned my head and saw the genuine concern in his eyes.
"No. It's nothing," I assured him. He stared at me for a few minutes before looking around the room. He seemed to be looking for something but I didn't know what. I'm surprised by the concern in his face when he looked back at me and I'm sure there's something wrong. "Where's your girlfriend?"
"What?"
"Lauren Jauregui, Mike's daughter, right? Is she outside? Why don't you let her come in? I'd love to meet her again."
"How did you—"
He didn't let me finish and just smiled. "Your mom told me she's here. I'm happy you found someone who's always there to support you no matter what." He looked down at the sleeping figure of my mom. "I know I did."
"Dad," I said and he looked at me with a smile. "She broke up with me." I watched the smile on his face disappear. I don't know why I'm even telling him about Lauren. Maybe it's because up until now, I never really had someone I could openly talk to about her. Uncle Rob was a great guy but with him, the job always came first. Chester was a good friend but I couldn't bother him when he's trying to be happy with someone himself. And I didn't want to bother the girls with my problems. They're already busy most of the time.
"When? Today?"
I shook my head. "No, a couple of weeks ago."
"Why?"
"I didn't tell her about Ariana. She trusted me to be honest and I didn't. It's all my fault."
I watched his jaw harden as he looked at me. I didn't know if he was mad or sorry for me. So I just stayed quiet and let him speak first.
"Then why is she here?"
His question caught me off guard but I answered nonetheless. "She wanted to comfort me, I guess. She told me she's the only one who understands what I'm feeling since she knows my relationship with you."
He shuffled on the bed and sat up. I heard my mom groan but her eyes remained closed. "If she's really angry at you for lying, she wouldn't be here, Y/N. Maybe she'll text or call, but she's not going to come personally, do you understand? She still cares about you."
"I know that, dad," I told him.
"Then why haven't you gotten her back?"
"Because she doesn't want me to," I exclaimed in a louder voice this time. My mom stirred again but she didn't wake up. "I've tried talking to her, singing to her, but she just keeps pushing me away. She just wants to stay friends, dad. And I can't fucking do that. Seeing her every day and knowing I can't kiss her or hold her would kill me."
"Then fight for her. What the hell are you still doing here? Where's the Y/N that fought me tooth and nail just so he could be with Ariana? Where's the Y/N who said I was a pitiful excuse for a father? What happened to that guy? Because that guy would do anything and everything to fight for the people he loves."
"Dad, how do I do that when she keeps pushing me away? Every time I talk to her, she shuts herself from me because she doesn't trust me anymore. She's given up on me," I said.
"And that's exactly the reason why you shouldn't give up. She gave up. So what? That just means you have to fight for the two of you now," he said with such conviction that I couldn't help but look away from him. "Believe for her. Fight for her. Just because she gave up doesn't mean you should too. You need to show her that you're worth it—you're worth another shot."
I've done everything I could so she'd give me another chance but she just rejected me over and over again. If she'd just lay down her guard again, I could show her how much she meant to me.
"But how do I do that, dad?"
He let out a deep breath and smiled at me. "I can't tell you that, son. You're the only one who knows her and all her reservations. But if you really want my advice, admitting something to yourself, is a good way to clear your mind. If I never admitted to myself that I was wrong for pushing away my son, we wouldn't be here right now."
My mom slowly raised her head and yawned. My dad smiled at her before turning back to me. "You already admitted you're wrong. Maybe it's time she admitted something to herself too?"
Maybe dad was right. Maybe there's too much going on in Lauren's mind that's stopping her from thinking clearly at what she was letting go. She fought for me when I picked Camila instead of her. She made sure I knew exactly what she felt—and what I'm about to lose. If she didn't stay until the last minute, I never would've realized my mistake.
And now it was my turn to make her realize that letting go of us was something we're both going to regret.
-//-//-//-//-//-
Tonight felt just like the night I found her crying on the porch.
I've stood on the front lawn for five minutes now, just looking at the house. Once I made sure my father was asleep, I told my mom I was going out to get some air. Now, it was a few minutes past midnight and all the lights were off. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called Lauren. She answered after the second ring.
"Y/N?" I could hear the hesitation in her voice. And after what happened earlier at the café, I didn't blame her.
"Hey. Where are you right now?"
"In my house," she said slowly. "Why?"
"I'm outside. Can I talk to you?" After a few seconds, I saw the light in her room turn on as she looked outside. I gave her a little wave before I hung up. Within a few more seconds, the front door opened and Lauren peeked outside. I walked up the porch and smiled at her.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"I'm sorry about what happened earlier. I was being a jerk."
"No, that's alright," she said but I could still hear the reservation in her tone.
"Can I come inside? I just want to talk," I said as innocently as I could.
She bit her lower lip and looked inside the house, probably debating whether it was a good idea to let a guy inside the house when her parents were sleeping. But after a while she turned and nodded at me as she stepped to the side to let me in. I gave her a casual smile before moving inside to the foyer. I heard her close the door behind me.
"We'll talk in my room, come on," she said walking past me and leading me up the stairs. The house was quiet and only the sound of our footsteps broke that. Lauren stopped in front of a door in the hall and opened it for me. I moved inside and sat on the bed as I watched her close her bedroom door. The only source of light in the room was the lamp on the nightstand and it illuminated her perfect face. It gave her an air of mystery as she stood in front of me.
She was like a million piece puzzle I wanted to solve, even if it took the rest of my life.
"When are you leaving?" I asked.
"Tomorrow. They need me in LA. I'll be gone by the afternoon."
I slowly nodded my head as I looked around her room. I could feel her gaze bore through me as she tried to find out what my real intentions were for coming here.
"I wish you'd stay."
"Y/N, I can't. We're recording and—"
"As my girlfriend." I saw the exact moment the words trailed in her mouth and the realization set in. Unmistakably, I also saw the pain and apology in her eyes. "Don't let go. Stay with me."
She tore her gaze away from me and refused to meet my eyes. "I can't. We're—done." She said the last word in such a quiet whisper that it felt like it took all her effort just to let it out.
"You're wrong. We're not done." I finally caught her gaze and tried to hold it in mine. "Because I'm not giving up. I'm going to single-handedly fight for us if that's what it takes."
"I didn't give up, Y/N. You disqualified yourself."
"No, Lauren," I said as I shook my head. "I simply lost a life. And now I've come back to finish what I started."
"This is not some fucking game!" she exclaimed and I finally saw anger in her eyes. I stood up and moved closer to her until she was looking up at me. I saw her body tense at our closeness and I knew I still had an effect on her.
"You're right. This is not some game. This is real life and we're dealing with real problems on real relationships. And I know you've told me countless times that we can never be together again. And I understand that, I really do. That's your decision and I respect that. And that's why this is my last stand. This is the last thing I'll ever do to get you back. All you need to do, is answer my question."
She looked at me like I just explained quantum physics to her. Her mouth was slightly open, not knowing what to tell me and maybe even not knowing what to think. But she nodded nevertheless and motioned me to continue.
"Do you still love me?"
A simple five word question but Lauren looked like I asked her the meaning of life. When my dad told me that admitting something to yourself helps clear your mind, her feelings immediately popped in my head. I think the reason she didn't want to give me a chance was because she was suppressing the love she felt. If she only let her feelings free again, she'd realize that we were worth it.
"It's a simple question, Lauren," I said, looking straight into her eyes. "If you look into my eyes and tell me no, I swear to God, I will stop bothering you. You want me to be your friend? Fine, I'll do it. You want me to leave you alone? Consider it done. Just look at me and tell me you don't feel something when I'm this close to you. That's all you need to do."
"You can't do this to me, Y/N." I could hear the shake in her voice. She was begging—pleading—with her eyes for me not to push her any further. But I can't. Not when I was so close.
"Then tell me you don't love me. Better yet, tell me you hate me. Say it, Lauren."
"This is unfair. Stop playing with my feelings!"
She was hedging and trying to get away but I didn't come here to get shut out. I came here to get my girlfriend back. "You're right. It's not fair. So I'll tell you exactly what I feel. Do I still love you? I do. I never stopped. And at first, I didn't know why. I was confused. I kept asking myself, 'Who was this girl and who was she to me? Why could she make me feel like this? What sort of power does she have over me?' But even as I asked those questions, I already knew the answer. It's simply because I love you more than I've loved anyone else, Lauren."
Her gaze moved down and I knew my words were finally getting to her. Just another push in the right direction and maybe—just maybe—
A chuckle escaped my lips. "You know, I even tried to pick out your flaws. I thought that if I did that, I'd realize you weren't worth it at all. So I started listing them one by one. Your teeth aren't straight and they sort of peek out a bit. But it made your smile more unique and it made you seem more—genuine. Your eyebrows are thick and bushy. But it made your face seem more beautiful somehow and made your eyes stand out like the moon. You have a sassy and fierce personality. But that same personality loves her fans so much and your genuine personality is a breath of fresh air in a business full of secrets and fake people."
I shook my head at the memory. "And then I realized it wasn't working out because the more I picked out your flaws, the more I realized that in my eyes—you're perfect."
Slowly, carefully, I placed my palms on her cheeks and lifted her head. Her eyes were glassy and I could see myself reflected in them. I'd like to think it was because she was finally starting to understand my feelings for her. There was still hesitation there, however, but maybe that won't ever leave. And I was fine with that. I just needed her to believe that we were worth the risk.
"If you don't feel the same way," I started in a whisper, "it's perfectly fine. I understand. You could leave me tomorrow without reciprocating my feelings. Maybe the day would come when I could see you again. Maybe I'll get to smile at you without my heart aching. Maybe I'll get to laugh with you without it getting hard to breathe. Maybe I'll get to hug you without tearing up. That day would come, I'm sure. But I sure wish I don't have to experience all that."
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against hers. I've done this numerous times but none of those felt as special as this one. She didn't make a move to pull away from me nor move closer. This was the last call for me and if she still didn't let me in, I have to learn to live without her. Which I know I never will.
"Lauren, do you still love me?"
It could've been minutes and it could've been years that we stood there, foreheads against each other, waiting for her answer. My heart was beating so fast, I was scared she'd hear it. Bearing your heart wasn't easy for anyone but I would do anything for this girl. And I just needed to know she'd do the same for me too.
"I do."
Even though I knew she did, her confession still surprised me. Everything was laid out in front of us now. I could feel her walls slowly coming down as she was finally ready to let me in.
"Will you trust me with your heart again? Will you believe in us again?"
"I'm scared to get my heart broken again," she said. I pulled away from her and kissed her forehead. It was only a soft touch but it had every bit of emotion I felt. She looked up at me as I opened my eyes.
"I'm not perfect, far from it, in fact. I'm probably going to do a lot of stupid things to make you hate me—to make you angry at me. But the one thing you could count on is that I will never lie to you. Not anymore. I will never break your trust again. You might not forgive me now. I'm okay with that. But let me make it up to you—for the rest of my life. Please give me a second chance."
I expected different types of responses in the two seconds it took for her to answer. I expected her to say no. I expected her to slap me. I expected her to kick me out of her room and never talk to me again. Heck, I even expected her dad to burst through the door and throw me out the window. But Lauren was the girl who kept surprising you—and this time was no exception.
She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down to her lips.
It took me by surprise but not for long. Soon enough, I grabbed her waist and pressed her against me. I didn't even think about what this kiss meant, I just needed her. She deepened the kiss as my mind swirled in ecstasy. She moved her tongue against mine as if compensating for all the days we spent apart. I felt a wet spot on my cheek and felt the tears flow from her eyes. So I kissed her harder and deeper to let her know that everything was okay now. We were okay.
We only pulled away from each other to catch our breaths. But we didn't let go of each other. She kept her arms around my neck and I buried my face on the crook of her neck. I breathed in her scent and memorized the fit of her body against mine. No day would come where I took advantage of how perfect she was for me. She would know every day how much I truly loved her. Under no circumstance was I ever going to break her trust again.
Lauren gave me another chance and I wasn't going to make her regret it.
"I love you, Lauren."
My heart finally found someone to beat for and my mind finally found someone to think about all the time. The heaviness and heart ache were all gone now and I felt like a new man. And this time, I was going to be a man truly deserving of such an amazing girl.
"I love you too, Y/N."
I squeezed a little bit tighter, pulled her a little closer, to let her know how much her words meant. Everything felt right, like everything was finally in their right place. Here, in her arms, this was where I belonged.
And finally—finally—Iwas home.