Today is not going to be a good day.
It's a Wednesday.
It's a week and a half since I've spoken to my former best friend.
It's 6 O'Clock in the morning.
And it's my twenty second birthday.
Harry and I had plans for today. I was going to call in sick, we were going to go on a road trip for the day and just have fun for once, without any cared. We were going to laugh and talk and sing all day to trashy music and eat junk food and skim stones along the water at the beach. It was going to be amazing.
But that's not going to happen because it's done...it's over. The sooner I accept that the easier it will be to move on. I sigh and close my eyes, instinctively pulling my doona up over my face to hide under the covers as the tears fall. I don't know who I'm hiding from. Myself probably.
I push the covers back and roll over, screaming angrily into the pillow before finally dragging my body to sit up.
I hesitantly grab my phone, it's still early so I probably don't have any birthday wishes yet.
Mum:
Happy birthday dear, call me when you're awake. love you xxx
I do as I'm told and call her, wiping the tears from my face.
"Happy 22nd birthday!!" My Mum calls into the phone. "Happy birthday honey!" I hear my Dad yell from the background.
"Thank you." I laugh.
"Now, your father and I were thinking we could catch the train in and take you to dinner tonight to celebrate if you have time?" She asks. I can't think of anything worse than having to pretend I'm happy around my parents. I love them, I'm just not up to it. And my Mum will be able to tell something's wrong and she'll press me for details.
"I don't really have time, sorry Mum. I have heaps on at work." I lie, trying to sound confident.
"Oh are you sure? You can't work all the time, it's your birthday after all."
"I'm sorry, I'd love to see you guys but I just can't at the moment. I'll come home as soon as I can." I feel bad, I do.
"Okay well I'll let you get ready for work. Have a great day sweetheart. Love you."
"Bye Mum, love you." I hang up.
Today feels like one of those days where you just know it's going to be horrible right from the word go.
A few hours later, I find myself sitting at my desk ridiculously bored. It's my birthday, I don't want to do work. I scroll through twitter hoping to see something that makes me feel more enthusiastic about today...
@itsLinda: Happy Birthday to the beautiful @CharJones, hope you have a great day love. We'll have to party soon to celebrate!!
I retweet Linda and reply. @CharJones: @itsLinda of course!! thanks babe.
@GemmaAnneStyles: Happy birthday to this crazy gal, @CharJones. pic.twitter.com/fdkfjsdf
She's posted a horrible photo of me passed out...as far as I can tell its from our uni days and it does put a smile on my face.
@CharJones: can't wait till your birthday so I can post a worse photo of you! But thanks girl!!
I keep scrolling, theres lots of random happy birthday messages from people I don't know..presumably one direction fans. I groan but favourite most of them anyway. I can't help myself, before I know it I'm searching Harry's name and looking at his page. I know he won't have tweeted me, he wouldn't have even remembered it's my birthday. Yep...nothing. How disappointing.
I check my mentions again.
@NiallOfficial: happy birthday @CharJones.
That'll cause some drama for sure...damn it if Linda and Gemma hadn't tweeted no one would've known it was my birthday, I sure as hell didn't tell Niall.
My phone vibrates in my bag and I reach down and check it.
Louis: You didn't tell me it was your birthday!!
Me: Was I meant to?
We haven't spoken since our date, and I'd kind of assumed he wasn't interested anymore. Which wouldn't surprise me, I mean he could have anyone in the world and he just got out of a really serious relationship.
Louis: Yes!!! Happy birthday!! I hope you have a greaaaat day. :) xxx
Three x's coming from the guy who didn't even want to kiss me the other night, I laugh to myself.
Me: Thank you x
Louis: What are you doing to celebrate?
Me: Absolutely nothing haha
Louis: Thats no way to celebrate!!
Me: I wouldn't know what to do to celebrate...I'm too old haha
Louis: How old are you again?
Me: Just turned 22 haha.
Louis: me toooo. It's a shit age, just letting you know.
Me: Oh thanks, that makes me feel great haha.
Louis: It should. Well you need to do something fun! Come over on Saturday and I'll make sure you have fun.
I get butterflies in my stomach reading that message.
Me: I suppose I could ;)
Louis: yes you could, I will see you on Saturday!!
Me: see you then
Is this a second date? I reaaaallly hope so.
...
It's one oclock in the morning and I can't sleep. It's officially not my birthday anymore but I can't shake this horrible feeling thats come over me. Marius is making weird noises in his sleep and I'm envious of him for being able to sleep. That stupid cat is a constant reminder of Harry.
My stomach is in knots and my hands are shaking, I can't stop thinking about Harry. This is my first birthday in like 4 years that I haven't seen him or even heard from him. Last year he told me he was out of town, and then showed up at my work to surprise me. It made me so happy. And this year he hasn't even called or texted or anything. I didn't expect him to, but that doesn't mean I don't want him to.
I miss him so much. I want to text him and tell him that, it would be so easy and my finger hovers above the send button for ten minutes before scrapping the message altogether. I can't go backwards, I have to go forwards. This is so hard. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of him and it's slowly killing me.
I need a distraction. I scroll through my contacts and just as I'm about to press Niall's name to call him, a text from Louis' comes in.
Louis: Thought you'd find this funny.
He's sent me a picture that's making fun of lawyers. Ouch. It does make me smile though, just knowing he's thinking of me.
Me: haha mean!!
Louis: Why are you awake?
Me: can't sleep. Why are you awake?
Louis: Can't sleep either. Why can't you sleep?
Me: Too many things on my mind. What about you?
Louis: Yeah same...well not too many things, just one huge colossal heart breaking thing.
I feel so guilty that I feel so horrible about my Harry situation, when Louis is going through an actual break up. His message makes me feel horrible.
Me: You should come over.
I send without giving it too much thought.
Louis: Okay, on my way. :)
Twenty minutes later, I buzz Louis up and a minute later the lift doors open. I had made some sort of effort to change into my cute frilly pyjamas, apply some subtle make up and straightened my hair.
"Hey." He grins, hugging me. He looks better than ever in grey sweats and a black vans jumper with a grey beanie on his head, pushing his fringe down across his forehead.
I kiss his cheek as his arms grip around me.
"How was your birthday?" He asks casually as we walk into the living room.
"Pretty horrible to be honest." I laugh.
"Why?" He sounds concerned.
"Oh no reason really, I just wasn't feeling it. It's hard to enjoy it when I had to work." I lie, the real reason is that I'm heartbroken over Harry...but you can't know that.
"Fair enough." He laughs, sitting down cross legged on the couch and I do the same, leaving a metre of space between us.
"I was kind of surprised to hear from you today." I say honestly.
"I was surprised too." He laughs.
"What?" I ask.
"Well...after the other night, I thought I better stay away. Until I'm over Eleanor atleast. But I just couldn't help myself, you're quite magnetic, it's like I'm drawn to you or something." He says and I melt. There's still the gnawing in my stomach about Harry, but since Louis' got here it's been decreasing ever so slightly.
I can't stop myself from blushing and smiling nervously at him. "That's kind of sweet." I laugh, pushing my hair off my face. I'm such a shameless flirt.
"It's just hard though, cos like I go away on tour soon. So I really don't see the point in starting something and then just leaving you again, you know? That wouldn't be fair to you." He says honestly.
"Yeah I know what you mean. I mean, this is very casual isn't it? We can just keep doing what we're doing for now..." I suggest.
"You're okay with that? You don't want more?" He seems surprised.
"No, not really." I shrug. "Come on...I feel tired now, let's go to sleep." I stand up off the couch and reach out for Louis hand, dragging him into bedroom. A flash of deja vu runs through my mind, except it's not deja vu, it's happened before. I did the exact same thing with Niall the other day, although different things were going through my mind for when we reached the bedroom.
I turn off the lights and climb into bed beside Louis, both of us facing inwards in the centre of the bed.
"I'm glad you came over..." I smile, moving closer and closer to him. I feel like with Louis I always have to make the first move, like he's unsure of how I'm going to react. I press my lips against his and he kisses me back gently, he's such a gentle person which is so unexpected. His arms wrap around my waist and pull me up so I'm laying on top of him as we kiss. I hold his face in my hands as his fingers dig into me...this got very hot all of a sudden. I feel a pang of need spread through me as his hands start to move, exploring new ground for the first time.
I move my hands down to the hem of his jumper and start to pull it up but as I do Louis pulls away from the kiss.
"What?" I search his eyes and let go of his jumper.
He lets go of me and I slide back down onto the bed, he turns to face me, leaving only inches between our bodies as he looks into my confused eyes. Why did he stop?
"I don't think we should do that. It doesn't really keep with the whole casual thing..." He tells me. "I can't take this any further when I'm still in love with El. I'm sorry." He pushes a strand of hair off my face and I breathe out my pent up frustration.
"Can I tell you something?" I say, him being so close to me is making it hard to think straight.
"Of course." He says.
"You're not the only heartbroken one here..." I say, my voice has an unexpected raspy tone.
"I'm not?" He clarifies.
"No. I'm...I had my heart broken too...and I think that person still has most of my heart. I didn't think I would even be able to think about anyone else for a while...but you're changing that." I can't believe I'm telling him this. There's something about him that makes him so easy to talk to. He's so underrated, I think he's more complex than he lets on.
"Good. I'm glad I'm not alone." He smiles and presses his lips against mine again.
He pulls away and sits up, pulling his jumper and shirt up over his head. "It's so hot in here." He says, discarding his jumper onto the floor and laying back down.
"Mmm I have that affect on people." I laugh and he laughs too.
"I love your laugh." I tell him as the sound melts away any pain caused by Harry. I think I could really like Louis.
I run my finger along his bottom lip as he smiles. I run my finger down his jaw line and neck to his ink covered chest.
"I like this tattoo." I say, running my fingers along his collar bone to his deer tattoo.
"Thanks. Do you have any?" he asks.
"One." I tell him. In recent days, I've been trying to forget it...but I'm going to show him any way.
"Show me?" he asks curiously and I sit up.
"I make no apologies for anything else you see when I show you." I laugh, turn so my back is facing him and pull my shirt up over my head, then holding it against my chest to cover my bare breasts.
"HS?" Louis asks skeptically, seeing the small scribbled letters on my back. The messy letters sit about ten centimetres down from my shoulder and are about one centimetre high.
"Yes, it's exactly what you're thinking. Me and Harry got very very drunk together when he turned 18, and we decided to get tattoos. But instead of gettig well thought out tattoos done professionally, we went to the tattoo parlour and did them ourselves...on eachother, with the supervision of the tattoo artist. He scribbled HS on my back, and I wrote CJ just below his hip bone, like his underwear line. You've probably seen it." I tell him.
"I see." He laughs. "So a drunken regret?"
"Well no, I didn't regret it up until a few weeks ago." I say honestly...I'm not sure if I even regret it now. I can't really see it unless I look for it, and most of the time I forget it's even there.
"Yeah I can imagine. it's kind of sweet. You two were such good friends, I was a bit jealous, I've never really had a friend that was a girl." He tells me, his fingers running over my tattoo and sending chills down my spine.
"Mm it was sweet at the time I think. It's not all its cracked up to be trust me. Besides, I can imagine with your career, the more people you're close to, the harder it is." I put my shirt back on and lay back down.
"what do you mean?" He asks, looking into my eyes.
"Well, you're away so much, it would be hard getting attached to people because you'd never see them." I say simply, shrugging my shoulders.
"Yeah but you can't think about it like that, and sometimes you can't help but get attached. Besides, if I never let anyone knew into my life for fear of that, when this is all over I wouldn't have many people in my life." He says.
"I guess you're right." I smile, biting my lip. I feel like Louis could be a good influence on me, his views on things are very interesting.
"So, you know how you're coming over on Saturday and having fun?" He says.
"yeaaaah?"
"well, why don't you stay the night and then come to Doncaster with me on Sunday. I'm playing football, and you should watch." He says and I can hear the nerves in his voice.
"Why does it feel like every time you say we can't get serious, you do something that says the complete opposite?" I laugh, flattered by his invitation.
"I don't know...like I said, sometimes you can't help but get attached." He looks at me with so much sincerity, it almost scares me. This whole time Louis has been saying he's not ready for anything, but I think I'm the one who's not ready.
"Then I'll come. Harry won't be there will he?" I ask cautiously but trying not to sound too suspicous at the same time.
"No," he laughs like its a proposterous suggestion. "He's been to like one of my games and that was the very first, back when we were really close."
"Why aren't you guys very close anymore?" Harry never really told me the reason, or if he did I can't remember.
"When we met, he was like 16, which is pretty young, I mean no one really knows who they are at that age. We got along so well, and we were really close as you know, but then like the older we got, the more we drifted, he kind of changed a bit, not badly but he just became himself. Obviously when we're on tour we are still friends and hang out heaps, I love that boy, but it's not how it used to me." Louis almost sounds sad that they're not as close. I know exactly how he feels.
"That sucks, really it does." I pout. "You never know, now that he doesn't have me he might depend on you a bit more." I laugh.
"Yeah maybe." He seems distracted. "He's the one who introduced me to El in the first place and for that he should be punished." He says joke vindictively.
"Yes he should." I laugh, pressing my lips against his cheek supportively. I don't know how we got to the position we're in, his arm around me and his other hand holding mine, but I surprisingly love it and I know I will have a great sleep with him by my side.