{Sarah}
I appreciate Cam's concern, but all the way home, I keep imagining the different ways that Mom will react to him. She doesn't exactly have room to talk, partly because she hasn't been here for seven years, but I could be wrong. Maybe there's some dating advice she can give me, with the drunk boyfriend in New York and all. That doesn't exactly say she's the role model when it comes to picking men.
When we pull into the driveway and I've stopped the car, I feel the need to brief Cameron on Mom.
"I don't know how she's going to react to you, Cam. So we have to be careful. Really careful." I say with some trepidation. If he saw the rest of my family, I was positive he'd run the other direction like the devil himself was on his heels.
To my surprise, he smiles. "She can't be as bad as Kaelie's mom. She was awful. Always checking in on us, like any second we'd start ripping each other's clothes off or something."
Briefly I wonder if that's how we can trace her attitude, considering there seems to be no other reasonable explanation. It makes sense, but it still doesn't reconcile her misdeeds against me. Even if she apologizes I'm going to have a hard time accepting. That is, if she comes around.
"Are you sure? Do you really, really want to do this? I want you to be completely, one-hundred percent sure."
"Sarah, stop worrying," He tentatively reaches out to rub my arm, and I can't help but like the feeling a little bit. "I've handled all sorts of mothers before. It's okay."
"Cam, I..." I sigh, but the conviction in his expression is enough to get me to stop protesting. I've been notorious in my family for not accepting help when I need it most–like now, for instance–but maybe this time, I can make an exception for him.
"Let's go, okay?" he says, gently taking my hand and squeezing it. "If it doesn't work, at least we can say we tried."
I nod, somewhat reluctantly. I hope this will work.
When we climb out and go up to the front door, I feel him take my hand again. That, if nothing else, is a small comfort.
"I'm home!" I call into the house when we enter.
For a second, there's no answer. Then a soft thump and Victor comes out of the living room, his hair messy like he's been sleeping, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Hey, Sarah," he says, but he's not looking at me. He's looking at Cam, who's got at least half a foot on him easily. "Who's this?"
"Cameron Bower," says Cam, shuffling his feet. He's probably feeling uncomfortable by now. "Sarah's...um..."
Victor smiles. "The boyfriend. I know. She's mentioned you a couple times. I'm Victor, by the way. Sarah's big brother."
"I figured." Cam looks down at the floor.
"We were looking for Mom and Dad." I don't mean to interrupt, but for the sake of moving things along, I have to. "Are they here?"
"Yeah. They were upstairs before I laid down for a nap."
"'Were'?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.
"Could be anywhere by now. I kinda forgot to check."
"Well then, let's go." I pull on Cam's hand, leading him upstairs. "Thanks, Victor."
"Your brother seems nice," Cam says, following me up. "I thought you said he..."
"Has depression? Yeah. He does. But he's on meds for it." I don't want to talk about Victor, and I'm sure he wouldn't want us to either.
"What about your sisters? Why aren't they here?" He looks around him curiously, like he expects them to pop out of the wall or something.
"Juvie, probably. When they're home they're causing a whole lot of trouble." I stop talking for a second, long enough to listen for voices. Sure enough, they're coming from Dad's room. "They're still here. Come on."
Dutifully Cam follows me. I haven't let go of his hand, and I figure I might not just yet.
We find Dad and Mom in the master bedroom, Dad sitting on the bed and Mom standing across from him, arms folded. I knock, and the both of them look over. Dad's eyebrows go up when he sees the both of us, his eyes moving between Cam and me. I give him a nod that says I'll explain later. Over the years we'd developed our own modes of communication without speaking.
"Sarah?" Mom speaks first. "You're home early."
"Am I?" Mom must have been paying more attention to me than I'd originally thought. "Well...that's because...I think we need to talk about something."
"I'll give you some privacy," Dad says, standing up and going out, giving Cam a nod. I have to give him credit for being accommodating about all of this. Especially because he doesn't seem to really trust Cam around me anyway.
After Cam and I have sat down in the spot Dad just vacated, Mom says nothing for a while. She just looks at us, her eyes moving from me to Cam and back again multiple times.
"So, what is this about?" she asks after a while.
"Well, Mom, I..." It takes me a second to put my thoughts together. I don't want it to sound like I've felt her betrayal even after all this time. When I needed a mother most, she wasn't there. Trying to listen to Dad's attempts to give me "the talk" was enough for me to want her back. "I think it's time that...now that you're back, at least...to maybe reestablish our relationship? I don't think we're all that familiar with one another right now."
She raises her eyebrows. "Really?"
I nod. "We can catch up, you know, in doing that. I know I've been wanting to, but I was having a hard time thinking of the right way to start."
Mom sighs, but it's not in an exasperated manner. It's more of a you-got-me kind of sigh. "I suppose you're right. Leaving the childcare to your father wasn't fair to any of you. Especially you."
I feel a squeeze on my hand from Cam, and I smile without looking at him. "Mom, I...I just wanted to ask something first, before we do that."
"Sure, Sarah. Ask whatever you want."
"Why did you leave?"
I see her visibly tense. Her stance is considerably less relaxed, and there's an alertness in her eyes that wasn't there before.
"Do you really want to know why?" she says finally, her voice hoarse.
I nod. After all these years, the least she can do is tell me the truth. Then I might be able to accept what she did.
"It's because I was afraid." She doesn't look at me, instead at something on the ground in front of her. "I was afraid of being a bad mother to you all, and a bad wife to your father. I was so scared I'd make things worse, not better. I run from the truth. It's something I've always done, ever since I was a teenager. It hasn't turned out well for me, as you can probably imagine."
"Mom." I let go of Cameron's hand finally, standing and ending up face-to-face with her. "I don't think you would have. I think...I think what made it worse was you leaving."
"Of course I know that now." She still isn't looking at me, even though at this distance I can see I'm already a little taller than she is. "But back then I'd figure you wouldn't remember me, and forget."
"We all remember you, Mom. You're our mom. Kids don't forget their mothers. That's not how it works." I vaguely remember the day she left, too. A lot of crying and yelling. On everyone's part.
"I know. In retrospect it wasn't a good idea to even consider leaving." She seems resigned now, not afraid to own up to what she's done, and for that, I'm glad. "All of you deserved better."
"That's why I thought we could start with me. Make it a little easier so you don't have to deal with the super-heavy stuff just yet. I just thought it might be a good idea to start off slow and then work your way up." I try to keep my voice neutral, but there's so much emotion I'm having a hard time keeping it all bottled up inside. After all these years, I can't do it anymore. It's exhausting.
"You're right, you're right. We should." She uncrosses her arms and rubs mine, unwaveringly meeting my eyes. "You look so much like your father, Sarah. I'd never noticed. You have his eyes."
"Well, I..." I begin, looking away and rubbing my neck.
"I was never around long enough to see what a beautiful young woman you've become. Better than I'll ever be." I see her eyes shining with tears. Great job. I've made her feel worse, not better.
"Mom, don't...don't feel like you owe me anything." I turn back to her, the urge to pull her into a tight hug so strong it takes every grain of composure I have not to. "It's okay. Really."
"But I do, you see. I do, because those seven years were the worst of my life. I thought about you kids every day, and how I was wrong to leave you when you needed me. And now look at you. Look how much you've handled, and you didn't run away. You became the woman I always wanted to be." A few tears emerge as she closes her eyes, a hard exhale rushing out.
"Mom, I..." I bite my lip, feeling the hot press of my own tears behind my eyes. I won't cry. Not yet, at least. Maybe when Cam's not here, watching us.
"No, Sarah. After everything you've handled—with a clearer head than mine, I see—let me do this. It's my fault. I left, and then I came crawling back. So let me, at least this one time. Please." She opens her eyes and the pleading I see there makes me forget the sting I felt when she left. Now that I knew that she cared for us and didn't really want to leave us–and when she did it still hurt her–I began to feel something like the beginnings of forgiveness seep into my thoughts.
I sigh, offering her a small smile. "All right, Mom. This once."
She rubs my arm, and then looks past me, at Cam behind me as she wipes her tears away. "And who is this? I don't think we've been officially introduced."
"Cameron Bower, Mrs. Campbell. Cam." He jumps up, his hand going out. He knows his manners, at least. Maybe his mom enforced them.
"A pleasure, Cameron-Cam." Mom shakes his hand and glances over at me, a small smile on her face.
"Mom, Cam's my boyfriend." I have to look away. Knowing what I'd said when I was younger about never being interested in boys seems to have been proved entirely false. I didn't want her to see what Cam did to me, especially when our arms so much as brushed accidentally.
She smiles. "Cam, take care of my daughter, okay? That's all I ask."
"You can count on me, Mrs. Campbell." Cam sounds so sure I know he's being honest.
Mom rubs my arm and goes out. It takes me a couple more minutes to look back at him, and when I do, my nose nearly collides with his chest.
"Cam." I take a step back to look at him. "Hey."
"I'd say that was a victory," he says, shoving his hands into his pockets but immediately taking them out again, his eyes drifting away from me only to snap back seconds later. This is awkward for both of us, considering what just happened.
I shrug. "I suppose."
"Honestly, I think you've handled this so well." He smiles encouragingly, and his being there had been enough to get me through it.
"You don't even know." I take a deep breath. "Thank you, by the way. I probably couldn't have done that without you there."
"No problem." His smile gets bigger, slightly. "Hey, so how about those photos you said you never let anyone see?"
That catches me off-guard. I'd almost forgotten about that conversation, the night of our first real date. "What about them?"
"Can I...see...? I mean...not like I wanna see your room or anything....I mean...I do...but..."
I reach up to cup his cheek, turning his face towards me. "Cam, it's okay. You don't have to ask. Not in my opinion anyway."
"You mean...you'll let me into your room? With your parents and your brother here?" He furrows his brow at me.
"They don't mind as much as it appears, Cam. As long as you have no intention of hurting me physically, mentally, or spiritually, I think it'll be fine."
He gives a small dry laugh. "I guess I'm...not as good with this flirting thing as I thought."
"Oh, you're flirting with me, are you?" Immediately there's a shift from the serious tack our conversation appears to have been taking. "That's what all these weak attempts at getting a look at my room were about?"
He steps away from me, blushing. "I used to be, y'know. When I was still dating Kaelie. I was smooth...you...know...cool, and stuff."
His voice trails off when he sees the way I'm looking at him. Somehow she always seemed to come up in our conversations, always making them take a turn for the worse. First he has to let her go, and then I will. That is, if she comes around, like I said before.
"Sorry...I...I shouldn't keep talking about her, should I?" He runs his hand through his hair, making it stick up in all directions. "Kaelie, I mean."
"It's probably better if you don't." I take his hand again. "Come on. If it's my pictures you want to see..."
"All right, I get it. I'm bad at flirting." He rolls his eyes.
"Cam, really. Come on." I pull him out of the room, wondering how I've actually worked up the courage to show him. If it's even possible, he's worse at this than Blue Bolt is.
≈≈
When I finally escape to Trevor's house that Friday, I know I can finally take a big breath out. Trying to stay out of the way of Mom's and Dad's reconciliation, not to mention patching up their relationship, is hard enough. Listening to Mom trying to recount the whole story to Dad and breaking down into sobs midway through is even worse. She'd been through a lot more than I'd realized, and suddenly I feel guilty about holding her absence–and her return–against her.
"Hey, Campbell!" he says when he answers the door, grinning at me. "I was wondering when I'd see you again. You aren't avoiding me, are you?"
"I only avoid people with the plague, Trevor." I return his smile as I pass him on the way inside. "The stupidity plague, that is."
"So I'm in the clear, am I?" he asks, following me to the living room.
"Unless you're grievously ill," I toss back. "Then I guess I'd have to leave."
"Oh, good."
Kitty's already there when I look in, and she offers me a smile when we drop ourselves onto the couch.
"How's the thing with your mom going?" she asks me quietly while Trevor gets up again to rummage around in his DVD collection. "Trevor told me about it. I hope that's okay."
I shrug. "Might as well. I think it's going to take a long time, but she looked like she was willing to try, so I'm willing to also."
"Don't worry," she says, and I feel her hand rubbing my shoulder gently. "I think it'll get easier the longer it goes on."
"Sorry to interrupt you ladies," Trevor says, coming back over with a stack clamped between his hand and his chin. "But I have a decision that needs to be made."
"Ooh. First-world problems," Kitty says, flashing me a wink and scooting forward. "Whatcha got?"
"Well, we're between the original Star Wars trilogy, the two slightly newer ones, Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, and a couple of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I thought it should be ladies' choice this afternoon."
"How nice of you." I lean forward too. "I vote Star Wars since it's something I need to catch up on."
"Anyone who disapproves, speak now or forever hold your peace." He gives us a serious look.
When we don't answer, he grins. "Thought so. Star Wars, here we come."
--
Another slow one, apologies. But Sarah's mom really needed some attention, especially because she'll keep showing up in the following chapters. And I promise the next few will have lots of stuff happening at once, not to mention some new characters being introduced. So get excited about that. Thanks for reading!
Chapter title credit: Song by Paramore.