"When one person is missing the whole world seems empty."
― Pat Schweibert, Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss
***
"You really think I would be so easy to kill?"
The blade that was lodged in the side of my chest stunned me. I think it managed to puncture my lung; somehow it managed to slip between my ribs since I was having trouble breathing.
He leaned down so his face was centimeters away from my own.
"I'm not through with your torture yet." He whispered and twisted the blade making a gurgled gasp escape my throat as pain sparked anew in my body.
I managed to stab him but not in the heart. How did I miss? I punctured his lung too, but he seems to not be feeling the wound, his breathing normal.
As my vision became fuzzy around the edges, something ignited in me—some kind of last resort, a last burst of the will to live—I don't know but with a strangled yell I pushed him on his back and now that I had the upper hand, began to punch him in the face. Over, and over, and over again.
The bastard started to laugh, which fueled my fury further.
I don't know for how long I lost it but when I came to, my knuckles were bloody, my breathing ragged, and Cloud still laughed as his injuries began to heal.
"You could've killed me you know! What made you not stab me?"
I punched him again as I felt my own wounds close but not before I felt blood flow out as I pulled the sword out, throwing it to the side carelessly.
The agony that flared through my side caused me to fall forward but I quickly used my forearms to stay elevated. The scream that left me didn't sound like me.
I should've taken the chance to end his life with his own weapon but something stopped me. I just couldn't do it.
Better my life than his.
"Such a beautiful expression," He whispered, stroking my cheek.
I gasped and straightened my back so I wasn't so close to him.
"I've been wanting to punch the idiot for a long time now." I said, hoping to change the subject.
"Alright, so he got what he deserved. Now, what?" He smirked.
I huffed out a breath. "I don't know. I'm tired."
I felt drained, completely empty. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to lie down and die.
Cloud flipped me on my back and stared at me almost in regret.
"Looks like this is the end for you," he said as he gently placed his hand on my forehead.
I felt something inside me being tugged and slowly being pulled apart. My mouth opened in a silent scream.
Z-zephyr, what the hell is he doing?
This is...impossible. He should n-not be able to tear our bond. If he does, it will...be the end of me and you will be in unimaginable pain.
I wasn't the only one feeling the strain.
H-how do we stop him?
We...do not.
We can't let him win, Zephyr!
Then you must end his life.
No.
"Quite a strong bond you have here. I'm surprised since you've only been aware of Zephyr for such a short time."
I felt a particularly sharp tug on our bond, making me choke out a scream. The pain didn't come from my body but somewhere deeper than that, a place where no one should be able to reach.
Raising my arms, I grabbed ahold of his wrist, trying to push him away.
Despite this pain, I managed to tap into Zephyr's powers and create lightning, hoping he would let go. The grass burned around me as the manifestation of pure energy crackled, almost like it was out of control.
"Not this time," Azazel growled, a sort of barrier forming around him.
I furiously tried to increase the power of my lightning so I could crack his barrier but the forces seemed to be evenly matched; pushing against each other.
Azazel jerked at the string-like bond again causing my element to weaken for a second before I yelled, determined to burn his body completely.
I think it would be a somewhat better end than seeing a blade sticking out of his body as his blood trickled out of the wound. Hearing his gurgled last words, his eyes slowly fading with the life he could've had.
"No more games, Silver. I've had my fun but it's time for you to die. Zephyr will disappear; my revenge complete and I'll enjoy destroying Shade over and over to my heart's content!" His eyes flashed in a sort of sick madness; a grin just as twisted to match.
Stop making Cloud wear such dark expressions. His idiotic ones suit him better.
My grip on his wrist tightened as I desperately tried to break his barrier before I lost Zephyr forever.
I was fine dying but I didn't want Zephyr to go down with me. His quirky nature was starting to grow on me. What a curse to have a host like me, knowing from the start something like this would happen. He didn't deserve the pain I'm putting him through; having to fight his own brother, disappearing in a flash of pain, the last thing to feel before he faded away.
I-It's not over yet, Silver. W-we can still fight!
Why? Why is this happening?
Zephyr laughed bitterly. It's the first time I've heard such a defeated sound from him.
I've...wanted to know that since...the beginning. It's either our lives or theirs. Your despair or Shade's destruction. He w-won't stop until everyone is dead, Silver.
We're killing people we hold dear.
Fate is cruel. T-this is not something that can be easily ignored.
Our power struggle continued. How will it end?
Lightning still popped around us, the sound deafening, trying to find a weak point in his barrier but I couldn't even create a crack in the annoying obstacle; our power was evenly matched.
"Why won't it break!" Azazel shouted in frustration.
I didn't say anything; too focused on my attack and trying to ignore the pain.
The red eyed dragon screamed in fury and held his arm out to where his sword lay on the grass. The weapon moved by itself and glided through the air into Azazel's hand.
It happened too fast. A blur of motion. A sharp spark of agony. Blood staining metal.
His sword pierced my heart.
Such a wicked smile, a flash of insanity in his eyes; it doesn't fit Cloud at all.
The lightning disappeared with a faint crackle, he saw no reason to keep his barrier. He's won.
Zephyr. Will you end up among the stars?
I do not want to join my brethren if it means you cannot be alongside me.
I smiled faintly.
You're my friend, Zephyr. Never forget that.
How can I? You are someone that cannot be forgotten so easily. You cheeky little shit.
A gurgled laugh escaped me.
I didn't think I would have lived long enough for you to say something like that.
You have quite a long time to attempt at getting me to say such vulgarity again.
I shakily brought my hand towards his head and ran my gloved fingers through his black hair, holding it tightly between my fingers.
His eyes showed his disbelief at seeing me move but I like to believe that somewhere in those red depths he felt relief. Maybe because he never meant for this to go so out of proportion. In the end, we are beasts with human emotions.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cloud," My voice changed to Zephyr's. "Please, forgive me, brother."
A tear slipped down my cheek as his blood ran down my fingers.
I purposely missed his heart directly by a few centimeters, but it still sliced the organ.
I carefully laid him on the ground, not pulling the dagger out so he couldn't heal. His heart beat irregularly because of this.
His sword was still embedded in my chest. I took a breath and quickly pulled the weapon out, a pained shout escaping into the night, and threw it aside, quickly healing the hole in my chest, leaving my clothes torn.
I managed to flow lightning into my heart before it stopped from Azazel's attack, making it beat out of rhythm but still keeping me alive.
Memories of the kid flooded my mind, her innocence in the face of death, her happiness and her last words. Then I remembered the second time she died and it was just so overwhelming. My chest hurt so much that I gasped as the recollections surfaced again, almost like I was stabbed in the chest again.
It was happening again.
An unnecessary death. All my fault, all my fault.
Tears started to fall as anger, sorrow, and disbelief filled me.
"Not again, not again," I whispered as I tried to clutch at Cloud's bleeding wound despite the weapon getting in the way; his warm blood seeping between my fingers. Phantom screams filled my ears at the sight of my bloodied hand.
"You lied to me, you betrayed me," I muttered, hurt.
"I'm...sorry." He gasped, blood flowing down his chin.
Such a pained expression. I don't want to remember Cloud like this: my dagger imbedded in his chest, his gurgled breathing; struggling to stay alive a bit longer, blood on him, his face contorted in agony, his eyes glazed in pain, sorrow, and regret as they slowly lost their beautiful light.
I almost wanted him to die already so I wouldn't have to have this memory burned in me forever.
What a curse it is to have the ability to have memories.
How many times was this going to happen? Did I not learn anything at all? I was lied to and betrayed again. Didn't I learn from my past mistakes? What have I been doing?
White, hot anger bubbled inside me and I let out a rage-filled growl that soon turned into a yell. Fury consumed me almost like it was the only thing that existed; nothing but pure, bitter anger. I was angry at Azazel, I was angry at Cloud, I was angry at the Dragon Race, but I was angry at myself most of all. I hate myself for not being able to save him, for not letting him live a few more years, for not being able to protect her, for being so weak.
If only there was a way to switch our fate. He deserves his life more than I do. I'm just a pawn meant to be uselessly sacrificed compared to his bright soul.
I deserve to die.
I almost lost myself in my rage and self-destructing thoughts until I felt a hand on my cheek.
I froze at his touch but didn't flinch, too overwhelmed by this chaotic storm of emotions to worry about my phobia. I carefully cradled him in my arms as blood continued to bloom on his chest; staining his blue shirt a darker color.
"Don't do this to yourself," he coughed and made a gurgled sound. "Don't blame yourself, Silver."
I stayed silent, holding back sobs; such a weak sound.
"I wanted t-to tell you but I couldn't find the words. I knew you would be mad and you would've... ended up breaking my bones...just like...you promised." He laughed weakly but it caused him to cough out blood instead. His ragged breathing is something that I will never forget, how he struggled to breath to stay a bit longer, to say his last words to a stranger he met in the forest.
"Don't talk, idiot, you're...you're dying." I choked, trying to blink back the tears but failed.
"I...may be an idiot, but I'm...not stupid." He said feebly.
A small bit of laughter left my lips. Even in death he can still make me laugh.
"Why did it have to be like this?" I said as I noticed his heart beat slowing down. He even has the same emotions as the kid when...
"Damn it, you weren't supposed to die like this!" I yelled as I held him tighter hoping that doing so would keep his soul from leaving his body, from leaving me.
I wanted to take the dagger out but Azazel would take advantage of that.
Zephyr, Zephyr, please you have to save him! I can't let it happen to him too; not him, not again. There has to be something you can do.
Silence.
I am truly sorry, Silver. It has to be done.
Fresh tears fell down my cheeks.
All this power and I can't save him.
"Please stay with me, you can't leave; you can't!" I pleaded desperately.
His hand moved from my cheek to my bloodied hand and gripped it tightly.
"I will...never leave you, Silver. I'll keep watching over you...from up there among the stars." He smiled weakly. "We'll meet again, Silver. Don't forget that."
My grip tightened on his hand as his heart beat faintly. He let go of my hand to run his stained fingers through my hair, the red streak a stark contrast to my abnormally white hair. The motion made a sob spill out.
"So beautiful...This life, your life...don't let go, don't give up; it's precious. Don't lose yourself in revenge. Can...can you do that for me?"
I nodded and he let out a satisfied sigh.
"Silver, don't forget...I love you."
He breathed in a few gulps of air then his body went limp as his heart stopped beating, signaling the end of his life, the end of his story. The beautiful music of his heart beat no longer sang, the song unfinished.
I stared at him wide eyed, searching for any movement.
It was over.
The prophecy has been fulfilled.
I squeezed my eyes shut as another sob filled the silence. Slowly, I reached for Haze, swallowed the lump in my throat and numbly curled my fingers around the hilt. My eyes fell on his face, a small smile graced his lips. I grit my teeth and pulled out my dagger, stained in his blood, letting it fall from my shaking hands with a dull thud on the burned grass.
I stared at his motionless body in shock, my breathing ragged but abnormally fast. I screamed in anguish, letting my pain be heard, become something that can be personified. Endless tears fell as I cradled his body closer to me. Zephyr howled along with me, our voices intertwining together; his voice just as heartbroken, just as lonely, just as lost.
"You fucking idiot! How can you just leave me like this! How can you say that to me! You dumb bastard! How did you expect me to kill you and not die myself?"
I tightened my grip on him, letting my tears wet his jacket.
"You have no idea how many times I've wanted to die to save you! You are the one that deserves to live. I'm nothing compared to you. You're the one that's supposed to have a future, to live until you grow old, have a family, make a difference in other's lives. But you just had to be cursed with such a fate; leaving me with all this shit to take care of, you lazy idiot. Can't trust you to even do that."
Tears continued to water the grass as I hiccupped and I pulled away, gazing at his features. Damned idiot. After all this he still manages to smile in the face of death. Slowly, I pushed his soft brown hair away from his eyes and carefully caressed his cheek. His warmth was slowly fading.
"I'm useless. I would make a better sacrificial piece than you. I've never done anything that anyone could benefit from. I just ran and tried to survive. I'm a monster that wanted to become human." My voice cracked from my screaming, "You made me human, Cloud. You were able to take this frozen heart and make it beat again. That's why you deserve to live. I'm just a greedy pawn that happened to become your friend. You would've helped so many people. I would just end up killing anyone that came near me. The Commander was right: I am the Grimm Reaper."
I continued to gaze at his face, committing it to memory.
"You were supposed to hate me, you know? You could've killed me in my sleep. If you wanted to fight me I wouldn't have been able to defend myself knowing that your actions were justified. You had so many chances yet you didn't take any of them."
Tears continued to pour down my cheeks, such explosive emotions foreign to me.
"Why didn't you hate me, Cloud? I'm the reason why you aren't here anymore. I stole your life away."
I gently stroked his cheek as sobs escaped my throat.
"It would have been an honor to die by your hand."
He deserved so much more. He deserved the world but now he's gone, nothing but an empty shell left behind. Such an idiot, thinking he would be able to understand me by becoming my friend. He did understand me but he had to see me in pain to know the truth. What did he think of me knowing what I did back then?
Now he won't be able to help me like he wanted to. He's left the pieces behind; scattered, fragile, too many to count, with no substance to hold them together or someone to help to even begin putting them together.
He's gone, just like the kid, my mother, my father and those innocent victims.
What's left for me now?
I slowly let go of his body and numbly reached for Haze's twin; unsheathing it quickly, the sound echoing eerily in the silent forest. I took in a shaky breath, my hand started to shake uncontrollably as the sounds of the forest faded only to be replaced by the blood rushing through my ears and the frantic beating of my soon to be dead heart. All I could see was Cloud's bloodied form and the dagger trembling in my hands. I grabbed Haze with both hands and gazed at Cloud one last time.
No more.
No more.
I screamed in rage and agony and plunged the dagger in my stomach without hesitation, not wanting to live anymore.
Cloud was gone.
I had no reason to keep on living.
Cloud was gone.
Cloud was gone.
Why should I keep breathing while he slowly rots away? I deserve to die. I deserved to die from the beginning. My life is worthless compared to his. I won't be able to go where he went, my sins permanently tainting my hands, preventing me from meeting the kid again, preventing me from being near such pure beings. At least I won't be in pain anymore. My death will bring the villagers of Shade peace of mind. The demon is finally gone.
"Why won't you let me die!?" I cried hysterically, frustrated and angry at the white dragon. He stopped my knife from digging into my flesh by taking over me, yet I still continued to struggle with him to end my life, the knife quivering wildly in my hold.
Don't do this, Silver.
"Shut up! You're just saying that because if I die you go with me! You're afraid of dying!" I growled, tears still trailing down my cheeks.
You would go against his wishes?
"I don't care! He didn't deserve it, Zephyr! I did! I've always deserved it! My existence brings death to the people that I care about. If I die now, no one would have to suffer the same fate. Please, Zephyr, let me go," I breathed heavily, trying to control my frantic breaths. "Let this madness, this darkness, disappear forever."
I cannot just let you do this to yourself. I know how much anguish you are in, Silver, but this is not the answer!
I remained silent.
"Living is a fate worse than death."
Sharte...
"Tell me, Zephyr, would you do this? Would you take away your life so you would be able to join your brother?" I whispered hoarsely.
Silence.
No, I would not. My brother may not have been in the right state of mind but he loved me once. That is how I will remember him. The Azazel from the past would not want me to follow in his footsteps. He would want me to live the life that he could not, to find a better tomorrow. I live for him and the future he could have had. I have become his eyes now. He lives through me.
I continued to struggle with Zephyr until I suddenly stopped.
Sobs still escaped me, tears still flowed, sorrow, despair and rage clung to me like a second skin, not being able to rip it apart to free myself.
I slowly sheathed Haze again and closed Cloud's beautiful blue eyes one last time, feeling like my heart has been torn out of my chest, never to beat again.
The flame of my soul turned to smoke, gliding through the air and gradually became nothing; it ceased to exist.
Zephyr didn't say anything. I started shaking uncontrollably; my emotions running rampant.
I hate this. This is why I never wanted to feel anything. I didn't want to deal with something so useless that makes you weak. But you can take this weakness and make it your greatest weapon.
Taking a deep breath to calm my trembling body, I gazed at Cloud again, expecting him to open his eyes and smile stupidly at me. His body remained the same; lifeless. The only heart beating was my own, the waves strangely silent from the lack of life.
So many thoughts whirled in my mind, so many memories.
Why did this happen, why did it have to happen again? Why was his life taken away? Why couldn't it have been mine?
My rage completely disappeared as grief and sorrow took its place. I didn't care if Cloud was part of the Dragon Race, I didn't care anymore if he lied to me about who he really was; all that I cared about was how he sacrificed himself to save the people of Shade, how he saved me.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and brought my forehead to touch with his.
I sent a prayer of forgiveness to him and prayed that the two of them would be happy with the knowledge that they were the only ones stupid enough to come near me despite the terrible fate they shared.
I looked down at the hand that was covered in Cloud's blood; it was also the same hand that I used to stop the kid's bleeding.
Now I had both of their blood on my hands, only adding more to the many lives that I've already taken.
I slowly got up, feeling weighted down by sorrow, and picked up Haze's other twin, the one I used to end Cloud's life and wiped Cloud's blood from my hands and blade on my jacket sleeve, sheathing the weapon. I noticed Cloud's sword laying on the grass and gently picked it up; examining it.
The weapon was beautiful; perfectly balanced for combat and such an intricate design for the hilt. Wiping the blade of blood, the metal shining gorgeously in the moonlight, I gazed back at Cloud's lifeless body.
"I never did get to ask you how you were able to hide it in your jacket sleeve." My voice lost its emotion, becoming low and broken.
I mimicked Cloud's action of putting the sword inside my sleeve. My eyes widened when it completely disappeared.
"What did you do to your weapon, you stupid idiot."
I couldn't just let go of his sword, didn't want to bury him with it. I wonder if he would've wanted me to have it.
I carefully picked him up, his body surprisingly light, and began to walk back to the stone platform; my eyes lost their yellow shine as they became pale and sightless again.
I walked through the forest in a state of numbness. I didn't really pay attention where I was going but my feet seemed to know the way.
My mind was surprisingly empty and I just couldn't feel anything, my emotions no longer chaotic after I released them in such frantic bursts.
I walked through the gates of Shade and towards the platform where the Commander was waiting. The murmur of the crowd stopped when they saw me carrying Cloud in my arms. They made a path for me to go through. I didn't need to look at their faces to see what sort of emotions they had: Shock, a small amount of pity, and, of course, anger; always anger.
I made it through the hunters and walked to the side of the stone platform, and up the steps. I knew the Commander had a twisted smile on his face as he looked at my bloodied form and Cloud hanging limply in my arms.
I stopped a few feet away from him.
"So, you finally return. And, look at what you brought back!"
I snarled lowly at him. Cloud wasn't a thing. He was part of the Dragon Race and deserved to be respected.
"You're still an animal, I see." The Commander sneered.
My dagger was at the side of his throat in a blink of an eye.
The crowd gasped; shocked. They didn't see me lay down Cloud to the side and draw my weapon.
"Don't tempt me, human," I growled as I forced the blade to draw blood, my eyes turning yellow as my teeth sharpened into fangs, lightning beginning to spark to life, crackling dangerously close to him and opened my palm so a burst of fire ignited, "I've already taken two lives; I'm not afraid of taking another. I'm not afraid of burning you alive."
Astonishment and a hint of fear flowed through the ground. His eyes traveled to the lightning that he would only see in the sky miles away now in front of him, ready to strike him mercilessly, before they were consumed by amusement.
The crowed became restless at seeing such energy suddenly come to life; their waves of fear making me feel a bit giddy with excitement. They murmured franticly among themselves, remembering the times of the Purge.
"You've changed, demon. I like it." He said his voice like venom.
It reminded me too much of Azazel.
"But your eyes no longer hold that fire; they're dull," A wide smile stretched across his face. "You killed him, didn't you? Watched him fade away."
His laughter bellowed around us.
I didn't bother to do anything.
"You actually killed him! Watched your blade sink into his flesh! Were the people you killed before not enough for you?"
I didn't flinch, just stared unblinking at him.
That got the crowd rowdy. I turned my gaze to them, wanting to see their expressions. They suddenly quieted. Horror stricken faces met me. They must've seen the blood on my face and torn clothes, seen the emotionless expression I had. Was I really that frightening now?
"No," I said a bit fascinated at not seeing anger in their eyes. "It wasn't enough."
I stared into his eyes finding nothing but sick delight and slid Haze across his neck. He gasped, terror shining in his eyes, and quickly brought his hand to his wound to staunch the flow of blood but found it to be shallow but it still spilled a bit more of the red liquid. I smirked slightly at seeing his fearful expression before cleaning and sheathing my dagger, the lightning slowly fading with a dull spark and letting the flame die out, then crouched next to Cloud. His body was still warm.
I still couldn't believe it. I did this. I killed them; my only friends, the only people that bothered to give me a second chance. And it was all planned; all of it from the very beginning. Cloud knew, he knew this was going to happen. We talked about the prophecy; me thinking it didn't involve him at all, when we were really discussing how his death would play out. Yet, even after all that; he said he loved me. How can someone love the person that will spill their blood and make their heart stop? How could he have looked at me and smile, knowing I would be the one to take his life? How did it come to this?
The Commander laughed loudly, his faux near death experience forgotten.
"Do you want to know why he suddenly asked to join you?"
I was still being tormented by the fact that my past has finally come to haunt me again.
"He's a spy sent by me to gather information on you; that's why I knew about your weaknesses. But it seems that his love for you was more important."
My body didn't hold sorrow anymore; it held a strange but calm numbness.
I whispered my last goodbyes, my vision going black again, and stood up. After a moment of quietness, I faced the Commander.
"Do it, I don't care anymore," I said emotionlessly.
If not by my hand, then someone else's. The Commander will have to do.
"Do you really want to go like this?" He questioned. His tone was just like mine.
I simply nodded.
I killed two of my friends and I just can't take it. It's too much. I didn't want to see another grave next to the kid's.
The Commander walked up to me and placed the tip of his sword in my stomach and draped his arm across my shoulders, making it look like he was giving me a strange half hug.
"This is it, demon-girl. Any last words?"
I smiled.
"It's been fun."
***
I hope you're not too mad about what happened...
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