When I pull open the door to my office Zed is standing in the hall just like I had known he would be. He's dressed in a black and red plaid sweatshirt, dark jeans, and sneakers. His face has not healed much but the bruising around the edges of his eyes and nose have lightened from dark purple to a greenish blue.
"Hey, I'm sorry for coming here like this," he says.
"Is something wrong?" I ask him and walk back over to my desk.
He stands awkwardly in the doorway for a moment before following me further into the room.
"No. Well yes, I've been trying to talk to you since yesterday but you haven't been answering my texts,"
"I know, it's just that Hardin and I already have enough issues without me creating even more and he doesn't want me to talk to you anymore."
"You're letting him tell you who you can talk to now?" Zed sits down in the chair directly in front of my desk, I take a seat behind it and look out the window before answering.
The way we are seated gives an official, more serious tone to our conversation. It's not uncomfortable just too formal.
"No, it's not like that. I know he's a little overbearing and he may go about things the wrong way but I can't say I blame him for not wanting me to be friends with you anymore, I wouldn't want him to spend time with someone he has feelings for either," I say and Zed's eyes widen.
"What did you say?"
Damn it.
"Nothing, I just meant.."
"You have feelings for me?" He asks, his eyes lighting up with each syllable.
"No, well, I did. I don't know," I ramble, mentally slapping myself for being so quick to speak without thinking.
"It's okay if you don't but you shouldn't have to lie about it,"
"I'm not lying, I did have feelings for you. I may still have them honestly, I don't know. It's all confusing to me. You always say the right things and you've always been there for me, it would make sense if I did develop those feelings. I've told you before that I care about you but we both know it's a lost cause."
"Why's that?" He asks, I'm not sure how many more times I can reject him before he understands where I'm coming from.
"Because it's pointless, I'll never be able to be with you. Or anyone, for that matter. No one but him,"
"You're only saying that because he has you trapped,"
I try to push down the anger that is slowly building from Zed's words about Hardin. He's certainly entitled to have ill feelings towards him but I don't like the way he's insinuating that I have no will power or control when it comes to my relationship.
"No, I'm saying that because I love him and as much as I don't want to say this to you right now, I know that I have to. I don't want to lead you on more than I already have, I know you don't understand why I stay with him through all of this mess but I love him so much, more than anything and he doesn't have me trapped, I want to be with him."
It's true, everything I just said to Zed is true. Whether Hardin comes to Seattle with me or not we can try to make it work. We can use Skype, see one another on the weekends until he goes to England. Hopefully by then he won't want to be away from me after all.
Distance may be the key to getting him to agree to move with me. Our history has proven that we aren't very good at staying away from one another, whether deliberate or not, we always end up together in some way. It's hard to remember a time when my days and nights didn't revolve around this man, I've tried time upon time to picture a life without him but it's nearly impossible.
"I don't think he gives you the chance to really think about what you want or what's good for you. He only cares about himself," his voice cracks.
"No, he doesn't. I know you guys have some issues between the two of you but.."
"No, you don't know about our issues at all," he says, "if you did,"
"He loves me and I him, I'm sorry that you were brought into the middle of this. I'm so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you," I interrupt him.
"You keep saying that to me but it keeps happening," he frowns.
I hate confrontation more than anything, especially when it involves hurting someone that I care for but these things have to be said so that Zed and I can close the book on this .. situation between us. I'm not even sure what to categorize it as.
"It wasn't my intention, I'm sorry,"
"You don't have to keep apologizing, I already knew this when I made the decision to come here. You made it pretty clear how you felt outside of the administration building."
"Then why did you come?" I ask softly.
"To talk to you," he looks around the room then back at me, "Never mind, I don't know why I came here really." He sighs.
"Are you sure? You seemed pretty determined a few minutes ago,"
"No, it's pointless like you said. I'm sorry for coming here,"
"It's okay, you don't have to apologize." I tell him.
We both keep saying this.
"You're still going then?" He points down at the boxes on the floor.
"Yeah, I'm almost ready to go,"
"Oh,"
The air between us is incredibly thick and neither of us seem to know what to say to one another. He stares out the window at the gray sky and I stare at the carpet.
"I better go then. Sorry again for coming here. Good luck in Seattle Tessa." I can barely hear his words through the sadness in his voice.
"I'm sorry for everything, I wish things could have been different."
"So do I, more than you know." he says and stands from the chair.
My heart aches for him, he's always been so sweet to me and I have done nothing but lead him on and reject him.
"Have you made up your whether you're going to press charges or not?" This isn't the right time to be asking this but I don't think I will ever see or hear from him again.
"Yeah, I'm not going to. I'm over this whole thing. There's no point in dragging it out and I did tell you that if you told me you didn't want to see me again I would drop them, didn't I?"
"Yeah," I quietly respond.
I feel like Estella in Great Expectations, toying with Zed's emotions. My own Pip stands in front of me, caramel eyes fixed on mine.
"I truly am sorry for everything, I wish we could be friends." I say.
"Me too but you're not allowed to have friends," he sighs, running his fingers over his bottom lip, pinching it in the middle.
I decide not to comment on his statement, this isn't about what I'm "allowed" to do. I do however, make the mental note to discuss this with Hardin and make sure he doesn't see things the way Zed thinks he does.
"How are things with Rebecca? Did you ask her about Noah?" I know it's none of my business but in a way it is, Noah was a part of my life for so long. If I thought he would answer a call from me I would ask him myself.
"Yeah, we're done."
"So she was dating Noah after all?" I knew I didn't like her.
"Yeah, well I don't know his name but she does have a boyfriend from her old school."
"Are they still dating?"
"I think so, I don't really know. It's none of my business. Steph should have warned me when she introduced me to her but I guess it's just my luck, of course I can't meet a girl who doesn't already love someone else,"
I want to apologize again but I know it will only insult him.
The phone on my desk rings to break the silence between Zed and I. I hold my finger up to him and pick up the phone.
"Tessa," Hardin's voice carries through.
Shit.
"Hey," my voice is shaky.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine,"
"You don't sound fine," he questions.
Why does he have to know me so well?
"I'm fine," I assure him again.
"Sure. Anyway, I need to know what you want me to do with your dad? I tried to text you but you weren't answering me. I have shit to do and I don't know if I should leave him here or what,"
I look over at Zed, he's standing by the window now, he's not looking at me.
"I don't know, can't you take him with you?" My heart is racing.
"No, hell no."
"Why not? I thought you were getting along?"
"We are, I guess, but he can't come with me,"
"So leave him there," I want this conversation to end.
I'm going to tell Hardin about Zed's visit but I can't imagine how pissed he would be if he knew he was here now and I sure as hell don't want to find out at the moment.
"Fine, you can deal with him when you get here."
"Okay, well I'll see you when I get home. Where are you going anyway?"
"Just doing some shit for work, I need to go to the post office and Staples." He explains.
"Okay, well.."
Music begins to play through my office and it takes me a minute to realize it's coming from Zed. He reaches into his pocket and retrieves it, it silences but not before Hardin notices.
"What was that? Who's phone was that?" My blood runs cold for a moment until I take a moment to think about this.
I shouldn't be this afraid or nervous for Hardin to know Zed's here. I didn't do anything wrong, he came here and he's leaving. I'm already slightly irritated with myself for telling Hardin about Trevor coming by my office. Trevor is a co-worker and he can come by my office anytime he wants.
"Is fucking Trevor still in there?"
"No, it's not Trevor." I answer honestly.
"Someone's there though?"
"Yes, Zed's here." I hold my breath.
The line is silent, I look down at the screen on the stand to make sure the call is still connected.
"Hardin?"
"Yeah," he breathes.
"Did you hear me?"
"Yes Tessa, I heard you."
Okay? Why isn't he screaming through the phone or threatening to kill him yet?
"We'll talk about it later, make him leave. Please." he calmly requests.
What?
"Okay.."
"Thank you, I'll see you when you get home." Hardin says and hangs the phone up.
"Sorry, I know he's going to freak out on you."
"No, he won't. He'll be fine." I say, knowing it's not true but it sounds good anyway.
Hardin's reaction to Zed being at my work caught me off guard, I never would have expected him to be so calm. I expected him to say he was on his way here. I sure hope he's not.
"Okay, well I guess I should go." he walks toward the door again.
"Well thank you for coming by, I probably won't see you again before I leave,"
Emotion flashes in his eyes but it disappears before I can decide which emotion it was.
"I won't say meeting you hasn't complicated my life but I wouldn't take it back, I'd go through all of this shit again, the fights with Hardin, the friendships I've lost, all of it. I would go through it again, for you." He says.
His words always get to me, always. He's so sincere all the time and I admire that about him.
"I know," I look up at him and stand to my feet.
"Bye Tessa," he says. His words hold much more than a simple friendly goodbye but I can't think too much into it.
If I say the wrong thing, or anything at all I will be leading him on, again.
"Bye Zed," I half smile and he takes a step toward me.
For a moment I panic thinking he's going to kiss me but he doesn't. He wraps his arms around me in a strong but brief hug before placing a light kiss on my forehead. He steps away immediately after and grabs ahold of the door handle.
"Be careful, okay?" He says, opening the door.
"I will, Seattle isn't too bad." I smile. I feel very resolved now, like I have finally given him the closure he needed.
"I'm not talking about Seattle," he frowns and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.
(I've been talking to a lot of you from all around the world so I'm wondering where everyone is from? If you can, comment and tell me which country or state, etc you're from! ily all ! xo)