7| The reason
Vienne Tamara Co
"She's mad at me for sneaking out, still giving me the cold shoulder," Tammi said over the phone. She turned to her right and hugged her pillow tighter. She was once again locked inside her room, hidden behind the closed doors.
Her Achi Via's silence was worse. Tahimik lang ito noong dumating siya galing exhibit. That was two days ago at hindi parin siya nito kinakausap.
"Maybe disappointed too," dagdag pa niya sa kausap na si Logan. "But in my defense naman, she hasn't stuck around long enough to know what I had been doing with my life."
"She was just worried, Tam. You do sneak out quite a lot you know"
"Naman eh! Wag mo na kong sermonan!" She pouts.
On usual nights, she'd be writing calligraphy or editing her videos for her vlogs. But now her full attention's on her phone. Logan called at halos isang oras na silang nag uusap.
"Fine," she heard him laugh. "So you'll stay inside then? Magpapa good shot ka muna bago lumabas ulit?"
"Nah. I bet she doesn't care if I sneak out at this very moment. Siya lang naman itong galit, si Daddy at Mommy okay na."
"So you're free tomorrow then?"
"Oh you're taking me out on a date?" She joked.
"I'm taking you out camping"
"Really?" Hindi na niya maiwasang hindi ngumiti.
"Really."
"We are going to cross another one off that bucket list of yours"
Nawala naman bigla ang ngiti niya. If he only knew the reason behind the list. Kung bakit niya ba ito ginawa.
"Hey Tam? Still there?"
"Y-yeah," pinikit niya ang kanyang mata. "I'm going to sleep, goodnight superstar"
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow okay? Goodnight."
The call ended, sakto namang may kumatok sa pinto ng kanyang kwarto.
She drops her phone and opens the door. Bumungad sa kanya ang kanyang Ahia Viel looking very handsome wearing his three piece suit. Kakauwi lang nito galing trabaho.
"Whatever it is I didn't do it" She told him before stepping aside, letting her brother in.
Tumawa ito at umupo sa kanyang kama. "Come here"
She sighed and closed the door. Umupo naman siya sa tabi nito. She was wondering why he's home so early. Minsan kasi dumadating na ito tulog na siya hindi na sila nagkikita o kaya sa condo unit na pag aari nito umuuwi.
It's sad really.
Para bang napag iiwanan siya. Her siblings are busy with their own lives at wala nang oras para sa pamilya, para sa kanya. Even her parents don't have the time to bond with them.
She missed the old days. Iyong kumpleto sila at walang trabahong sagabal sa oras ng pamilya. She missed it so damn much.
She found herself hugging her big brother.
"Shobe," he called while soothing her hair.
She missed her brother's warmth. She felt safe around him everytime.
"Shobe, I'm getting married."
She started tearing up upon hearing his words.
Getting married means moving out of the house. Not seeing her brother was bad already, now it turned worse. She felt like a little girl as she silently cried.
She met his girlfriend a long time ago. The girl is also chinese kaya botong boto ang pamilya nila dito habang siya naman ay nananatili lang tahimik. Not that she doesn't approve of the girl, she saw that she was really wife material. And now ikakasal na talaga ang Kuya niya. One of her dreaded days are about to happen at hindi na niya maiwasang hindi umiyak.
She cried in the arms of her brother. She wished he'd understand her tears because it told him everything she wanted to say.
-------
Logan Axel Dimaano
Tatlong beses na kumatok si Logan sa pintuan ng kwarto ni Josh hanggang sa marinig niya itong sumagot ng, "Bukas 'yan pards! Pasok ka!"
Nang binuksan niya ang pinto, nakitang niyang ka-skype ni Josh si Gwen. Kinawayan naman niya si Gwen bago tumingin kay Josh para sa sinadya niya dito.
"Pahiram ng susi sa lot sabi ni Jace na sa'yo daw"
Tumayo naman ito at kinuha ang susi sa isang drawer. "Anong gagawin mo d'on?"
"Wala ka na d'on" He smirked before taking the key from him. "Salamat pre! Bye Gwen!"
Noong nakaraang taon pinalagyan na ng konkretong bakod ang lot na madalas nilang tambayan noong high school pa sila. Naisip niya na ito ang perfect place for camping. Hiniram na rin niya ang susi para naman hindi na sila mag trespass. Nala ayos na ang lahat, si Tammi nalang ang kulang.
Susunduin niya ito sa Coffee Avenue ngayon.
Naabutan naman niya si Vini at Cara na nanunuod ng tv sa living room at si Rix naman na nag te-text habang nasa tabi ng dalawa.
"Saan punta mo, L?" Ingat ni Cara ang tingin sa kanya.
"Coffee Avenue" Naisip niya na doon muna mag hintay habang hindi pa nag te-text si Tammi. Doon rin naman sila magkikita. Malapit lang kasi ito sa village nila.
"Pwedeng sumabay?" Sabi ni Rix.
"Sure, kaso hindi na ko babalik dito mamaya"
"Sa unit ako matutulog so it's okay"
Sabay na silang lumabas. Ang Hilux niya ang gagamiting sasakyan dahil mas convinient ito. The supplies were already at the back of the car at may cover ito kaya hindi nakita ni Rix.
"How's Tammi doing?" Tanong ni Rix sa kanya nang nasa Coastal Road na sila. Mukha ngang hindi pa ito sigurado sa tanong.
"She's doing great," kunot noo niyang sagot. "Why?"
"Wala lang," Rix shrugged. "Ang sabi niya sa'yo ko daw ibigay yung mga paintings na binili niya tapos ikaw ang mag bigay sa kanya"
"Bakit hindi nalang ikaw mismo ang mga deliver o kaya ipa-deliver mo?"
"Eh ayon yung request niya. Wala naman akong magagawa. Ang sabi pa niya after Halloween ko daw ibigay sa'yo. Anyway, dude kailan pala kuhanan ng grades niyo?"
"Sa 8" Malayo pa naman iyon kaya hindi pa niya inaalala.
"Pasukan?"
"23"
"Ayos! Parehas tayong lahat! Nag pa-plano kasi si Cara ng outing since yung unang linggo ng break hindi tayo yung magkakasama."
Hindi siya sumagot. He'd like to cross things out as much as possible sa bucket list ni Tammi sa natitirang linggo ng sem break. Iyon talaga ang plano niya.
"Oh? Ayaw mong sumama? Lagot ka kay Cara n'yan!"
"Hindi naman sa ganon. May gagawin rin kasi ako" He reasoned.
"Bago 'yan ah," hindi makapaniwalang sabi ni Rix. "Tell Cara about it. Make her understand. Sa una magagalit iyon kasi gusto niya kumpleto tayo"
He was weighing his choices. He knows na magiging masaya ang kung anong plano ni Cara para sa kanila but he was thinking about Tammi. He said he was going to spend the whole semestral break with her. Ano kaya ang gagawin nito kung sakaling sumama siya sa outing nila?
Tinignan siya ni Rix nang tumigil sila sa stoplight.
"Do you know why Tammi bought it?" Rix asked, referring to the painting.
"She liked it, obvious naman diba?"
"You know dude, sa lahat ng pininta ko at pinresent noong gabing iyon, I had less confidence when it came to that painting. I'm not even sure why I wanted it to be part of the exhibit," he sighed. "But she bought it without second thoughts, hell she even named it. Ako nga hindi nabigyan ng pangalan iyon"
"It was Monique who named it," pagtatama niya. "And the painting was good Rix, kung hindi man si Tammi bumili n'on then I'm sure merong iba."
"Ginawa ko iyon dahil sa librong nabasa ko noon. I didn't exactly feel the emotion na ipinapakita doon but I felt a tinge of it while reading the character's thoughts. It haunted me, Logan. I had to let it out in a way na kaya ko so I painted it. Hindi ko alam na may nakakaramdam pala ng ganon. While painting it, I understood how a thought can be as dangerous as a knife, a gun, or in fact even more"
He was listening to Rix as he drives. He had a hunch on what he's implying pero hindi niya lubusang maisip ito.
"The emotion you have for a painting turns stronger kapag naramdaman mo na mismo kung ano ang ipinapakita nito" Nakatingin si Rix sa kanya. "Kung naiintindihan mo ang sinasabi ko then you have to help her"
"Tammi can't be..."
"Depressed? Yeah hindi ko rin naisip iyon sa una kong tingin sa kanya. Ikaw itong palagi niyang kasama, dude I've seen the vlogs. You two are closer than I thought. The eyes are where our demons hide, Logan. Look at her and decode her thoughts then prove me wrong."
Humigpit ang hawak niya sa manibela. Posibleng tama nga si Rix.
Binabalewala niya lang iyong mga nakikita niya kay Tammi dahil sa pag aakalang normal lang ito. She was just wasn't in the mood.
He didn't how an optimistic girl can feel such a thing.
"I had talk with Monique later that night, parehas kami ng hula dahil parehas naming nakilala si Tammi ng gabing iyon." Rix was scrolling through his phone. Nang tumigil muli sila sa isa pang stoplight inabot nito ang phone sa kanya. "Here read this"
It was a picture quote from Poems Porn.
"We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art because we desperately do not want to be alone. We want to know we aren't going to crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you're feeling. We want someone to explain the things we can't"
"I explained something she can't, Logan"
His eyes zeroed on the road. He remembered what Tammi wrote the night they were together at McCafe.
That night her demons haunted her and she wanted to get away. She escaped and went to him for comfort.
The absence in her eyes...
She showed signs but she hid it behind the brightest smile.
"Sa SM Manila lang ako, pre"
Hinatid naman niya ito sa SM Manila. Bago ito bumababa ay tinignab muna siya nito.
"Think about it, L. Sabihin mo sa'kin kung mali ako but I highly doubt it. Thanks for the ride"
Tumango lang siya. Malapit nalang naman ang Coffee Avenue kaya ilang minuto lang ay naka park na agad siya sa harap nito at naka baba na ng sasakyan.
He saw Leon's Fortuner at nakita rin nita itong naka upo sa isang table sa bintana. He guessed na shift ni Summer kaya ito naka tambay. And he was right.
Naka tingin agad si Summer sa kanya nang pumasok siya sa cafe.
Nagtaka naman siya nang makita itong tumingi sa counter bago lumapit sa kanya.
Marahan siyang hinila nito sa isang tabi at lumapit ng kaonti para bumulong.
"Kanina pa siyang one dito at dalawang beses na siyang umorder ng frappe. She's been here for five hours, Logan."
"Sino?" His forehead creased. Nakita naman niya si Leon na naka tingin sa direksyon nila.
"Si Tammi, kanina pa andito" Tinuro nito ang pinaka dulong table sa kabilang parte ng cafe. It was an isolated table, kahit na naka talikod alam na niyang si Tammi iyon dahil sa suot nitong gray na beanie.
"Pupuntahan ko siya" He told Summer.
Tumango ito at sumimangot, "Nang dumaan ako nakita ko siyang umiiyak"
He nods, slightly bothered at what she said.
Dahan dahan niya itong nilapitan.
When he stood beside her, nakita niyang nagbabasa ito ng libro. She wasn't sobbing. She was silently crying.
"Tammi" He called.
She jumped upon hearing his voice. Agad nitong pinunasan ang luha and there it was... the smile.
The decieving smile.
"H-hi," hindi mapakali nitong pinunasan ang luha. "Ite-text palang sana kita"
He knows his expression was unreadable right now.
Tama ba talaga si Rix?
"Why are you crying?" Umupo siya sa tabi nito and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"A-ano y-yung libro kasi nakakaiyak," tumawa pa ito ng bahagya.
He glanced at what she was reading. Amy Zhang's Falling Into Place.
Naalala niya na isa ito sa binili ni Tammi noong nag shopping sila.
"You've been here buong maghapon?"
"Uh yeah," umiwas naman ito ng tingin. "Mas gusto ko kasi dito, tahimik lang"
He knew how a book can affect a person. Tungkol saan ba ang binabasa nit at napa iyak nalang ito ng ganon? Base sa cover hindi ito isa sa mga romance novels.
"Tapos ka na ba magbasa? Pwede na tayong pumunta sa camp site ngayon" Nag aalangan naman niya aya. Naiisip niya talaga ang ping usapan nila ni Rix sa sasakyan.
Then his eyes locked with hers. It was there. Sadness.
Hindi niya alam kung dulot ba talaga ito ng binasa nitong libro or was it something more.
Vienne Tamara Co what are you hiding and why are you hiding it?
"Tapos na ko. Tara na" Mabilis naman nitong tinago ang libro sa dala nitong rucksack at tumayo na.
Nakatingin naman si Summer sa kanya nang lumabas sila. Pinagbuksan niya si Tammi ng pinto.
"Doon tayo sa lot mag ka-camp. It's a private property owned by the twins, madalas na rin kami doon noon" He informed her. "Adyan na rin yung mga supplies sa likod ng sasakyan."
Tumango lang si Tammi habang kinakalikot ang sound system ng sasakyan niya. She was always in charge of the music tuwing bumibyahe sila.
She played the songs of Imagine Dragons, One Republic, and One Direction habang nasa byahe sila.
Bumaba naman siya ng sasakyan para buksan ang lot while Tammi stayed inside to drive the car in.
"Masyado namang secluded itong area," was Tammi's first comment nang bumaba ito ng sasakyan.
"Mas prefer mo pa sa forest?" Sinimulan na niyang ibaba ang mga gagamitin nila habang ito at iniikot ang tingin sa paligid.
The area was indeed secluded. Ang awkward naman kasi kung open area pa ito at saka sila mag ka-camp.
"Nah, this is cool," ngiti nito at tumingala sa papadilim nang langit. "Ang stars lang talaga ang makikita mo"
"Ako na gagawa ng fire!" Excited na prisinta nito nang makita ang mga kahoy na dala niya.
He left her to do the job at siya naman ang nag set up ng tent nila at sleeping bags. When he saw that she was still busy, he took the chance to send Cara a text dahil ito ang makakasagot sa tanong niya.
Logan:
Hey C, alam mo ba kung tungkol saan yung book na Falling Into Place?
She replied a second later.
Cara:
Amy Zhang's Falling Into Place?
Logan:
Yes.
Cara:
I've read it na. Do you want the synopsis or i-summary ko nalang into three words?
Logan:
Kahit three words nalang. Kailangan ko lang naman malaman kung tungkol saan at hindi yung buong story
It took her a few minutes to reply. Habang wala pa ang message, pinapanuod naman niya si Tammi na gumawa ng bonfire nila.
He held back a sigh when he finally got Cara's reply.
Cara:
Physics, Depression, and Suicide.
"Hindi ka ba papagalitan?" Tanong niya kay Tammi habang nag ro-roast sila ng hotdogs. He made sure he bought her comfort food and other snacks too.
Madilim at tanging apoy nalang ang ilaw nila. Magkatabi silang naka upo sa isang blanket habang nasa kabila naman naka tayo ng tent.
She was twirling the metal stick around over the fire. "Hindi nga ako kinakausap eh, bumalik na siya sa trabaho. Siguro to avoid me na rin kasi ang sabi sa'kin ni Nanay Simang dapat hanggang next week pa naka leave si Achi."
"Kaya ka maagang umalis sa inyo kasi wala nang nagbabantay sa'yo?"
Tinanggal muna nito ang hotdog sa apoy para tignan kung luto na bago siya sagutin, "Yep. I woke up alone and had breakfast alone. Left the house without anyone knowing. I'm still grounded, my punishment hasn't been lifted pero mukha namang wala na rin silang paki alam"
Hindi niya alam kung paano niya itatanong dito ang nalalaman niya. He thinks it's rude if he directly asks if she's depressed. Given that, she's probably sensitive pag dating sa ganong topic.
"Do wanna play 20 questions?"
Ito lang ang naisip niyang paraan. He thought of winging it nalang kaysa naman wala silang pag usapan.
Natigil si Tammi sa paggawa ng sandwich at tinignan siya. "Okay, you go first"
"Why do you travel?" He made the question sound casual.
Nagpatuloy naman ito sa paggawa ng sandwich nang sinagot siya, "I want to make the world my comfort zone. It's complicated but that's what I want. Traveling makes me escape the reality I refuse to face"
Ganon nalang ba kasalimuot ang realidad sa kanya para takbuhan ito?
He shrugged off the thought and told her, "It's your turn"
"Okay... hmm. What's the thing you didn't do but at some point you wished you did?"
"Advance level naman na ata itong 20 questions natin," tumawa naman siya.
"Answer it na! Tell the truth!" Tammi leaned over to get some water sa cooler ituon muli ang atensyon sa kanya.
He suddenly thought of what happened earlier this year and the year before.
"Falling in love with my best friend," was his final answer.
"Wait. You did not fall in love with your best friend but you wished you did?" Pagtatama nito.
Tumango naman siya.
"You only have one girl best friend, Logan." Hindi makapaniwala nitong sambit.
"Cara," he nods again. "I would've fallen in love with her if Vini didn't call dibs first. He was determined to beat us all to go after Cara kaya naisipan ko na huwag nalang humarang at hayaan siya."
"But a state of claim wouldn't stop someone's feelings," ngumiwi naman ito. "Lalo na pag gusto talaga nila yung tao"
"You're right"
"So you're saying na at some point you were in love with her?"
"Love is a strong word. Maybe infatuation lang. My love for her as her best friend is stronger and it overpowered the stupid infatuation."
"Okay so you were infatuated pero it didn't grow to love. And then you wished na sana na inlove ka nalang sa kanya?"
"When I saw her hurting, I couldn't help but think na sana kung sa'kin siya na in love then hindi siya masasaktan ng ganon"
Cara tears were one of his weakness.
Nilipad niya ang New York noon para masapak lang si Vini at matauhan. Ginawa niya iyon kahit na siya lang mag isa.
Tammi tilts her head and stares at him curiously but then she composed herself. "Turn mo na"
"The most regretful thing you ever did?"
She smiled sadly and answered him without second thoughts, "Push away my best friend"
"Why did you push her away?"
"Diba dapat bawal ang follow up questions?"
"Nag follow up question ka kaya sa'kin kanina so it's fair lang naman"
"Fine," she sighed. "I didn't want her to be sucked in the..." she paused for a moment, "darkness"
"How cryptic" He shook his head.
"It's my turn na," she took a bite of her sandwich. "Wait lang mag iisip lang ako"
He made his own sandwich habang hinihintay ang tanong nito.
"Wala na akong maisip superstar. Pass muna ako!" Frustrated na sabi nito kaya natawa naman siya.
"So ako muna? Sige." He thought for a second. "Why did you make the bucket list?"
Her face fell. She sets aside her sandwich and gulps down half of the water from her bottle bago tumingin muli sa kanya.
"I don't know why I find it so hard to lie to you" She breathlessly said at umiling.
"Then don't, Tam." Lumapit siya dito. "You don't have to lie and hide"
Umiwas ito ng tingin. Kitang kita niya ang pamumuo ng luha mga mata nito.
She's finally letting out. She's finllay being transparent.
"I'm here, Tammi. I'll listen to you" He said softly.
His question was the trigger for her to finally break.
"You don't know what's it like to live in anxiety and depression," she hugs herself as her tears started falling. "My thoughts are an endless contradiction. A killer and a savior."
"Nung nawalan ng time yung pamilya ko sa'kin, I started feeling sad all the time. Being alone didn't help. I thought it will pass pero hindi. It stayed here," hinawakan nito ang dibdib habang humihikbi. "For years I kept the sadness in and fought it. Kasi alam kong ako lang yung makakaligtas sa sarili ko. I'm the one who's going to pick myself up after collapsing in a puddle of tears. Everytime the sadness sucks me in, it feels like I'm only holding on a thread to pull me back. I get anxiety attacks every night and sometimes maiisip ko nalang bigla yung lahat tapos iiyak ako. It happened in school once..." patuloy ang pag iyak nito. "I was so stressed and I couldn't take it, nung narealize ko na wala kong matatakbuhan I broke down. I panicked but ayokong umiyak habang nag di-discuss ng project yung prof ko. I ran to the restroom and cried kahit na hindi pwedeng lumabas ng oras na iyon, I got scolded after."
"Being happy turned so easy by day and by night I don't know how or what to feel anymore. I feel so lost and broken. The thread of life couldn't pull me back anymore and I badly want to cut it para matapos na yung paghihirap ko. I wanted to cut the thread and end it all. No more crying, no more pain, no more anxiety, no more faking, no more hiding... no more life"
He didn't say anything but his thoughts were in haywire. This girl... this girl in front of him is fighting a dangerous battle; A battle with her own thoughts.
"I made the bucket list as my last shot. I list all those things down to find one reason to keep me alive. Maybe one will make me feel alive again. Maybe one will remind me that life is still worth living. Just one, Logan."
She looks so happy all the time lalo na pag nag ta-travel but after it wala nang may alam kung ano ang nangyayari sa kanya.
He pulled her cold hands and entwined it with his. He kissed it before holding tight.
"I'm searching for reasons. Reasons for me to stay in this world. It's out there. I know it's out there..." She desperately said while sobbing.
He wrapped his arms around her. Hindi niya na rin maiwasang hindi umiyak.
Hinayaan lang niyang umiyak si Tammi.
"That's why I cried reading Falling Into Place," she whispered nang kumalma na. "Liz Emerson explained something I can't"
"That's why you bought the painting too," dadag naman niya.
Kumalas ito sa kanya at nagpunas ng luha the she fiddled with her fingers, avoiding his eyes.
"She also did something I can't" she whispered.
"Suicide?" He kept his voice firm and calm nang itanong ito.
"No," she shook her head before staring at him with her bloodshot eyes. "Admit that she needed help. Hindi ko kayang gawin iyon, Logan"
Help is what she needs the most.