AKARI
The rain pounds down endlessly, drenching me in my thin black kimono. The sky is an angry gray, mirroring my mood. I sit cross-legged in the rain, before a large gray stone, made black by the falling water.
Masaki Kita
That is the name I've been unable to keep my eyes off of. I try to let them wander, to take in the many other names listed here, to focus my grief somewhere else. But like a magnet, my eyes are always pulled to the same spot.
I saw this stone the day I met my team, before my match with Kiba. Back then, I didn't understand what this was, why it was here. I only saw it as a point of reference when describing the training ground I was taken to, when I recounted the day's events to Masaki that night. He'd known what it was, but he didn't like to talk about it. I now know that is because his father's name is listed here.
Taiki Kita.
It's sad I only learned this man's name when Masaki's personal records were shown to me, yesterday, several days after I was released from the hospital. There was information on Taiki, his life as a Ninja, his missions, successes and failures, comrades lost and comrades saved. The scrolls told of his death, as well, how he was struck from behind by a frightened villager in the Land of Tea, who thought he was an enemy Ninja.
Masaki had been struck down by a group of Sound Ninja and Sand Ninja, who cornered him in the middle of the Village. He'd killed a few of them, but in the end they overwhelmed him, and gave him the gash in his chest that would be his undoing. Then, they left him to die a slow and painful death.
Masaki hadn't been in the stadium during the Exams. He'd been on a mission the day before, and was only just returning when Gaara's match was starting. When the attack began, he and his teammates were separated, sent to defend different parts of the Village as backup. They weren't meant to engage in direct combat.
Masaki never was one to sit on the sidelines and watch.
Botan and Ei came here yesterday, like me, when Masaki's name was added to the Memorial Stone. They cried together, and Ei, the more stoic of the two, even expressed her feelings for my brother. Fuyumi, his girlfriend, had just come up to pay her respects, and heard Ei's confession. The two then got into a very undignified cat fight, which was incredibly stupid considering Ei would only have to throw one punch and Fuyumi would've been out for the count.
And all I could think while watching that was: Masaki would've loved this.
Botan came by again this morning to drop off flowers for Masaki. I was already here, having been here since dawn actually. She sat with me for a while in a friendly silence, and when I started to cry she wrapped her arms around me. Before leaving for Third Hokage's funeral, she handed me something I've been clutching ever since.
Masaki's headband.
It's scratched and bruised and beaten, but it is unmistakably his. I look down at it now, the dull metal barely reflecting my damp face, my reflection wavering and distorted. Cold rain and warm tears drip down onto it, the sound very loud in my ears, despite the pounding of rain all around me.
I reach out and trace my fingers over Masaki's name again. It must be the hundreth or so time I've done this since yesterday, but I know it won't be the last. I don't know why I do it; it doesn't make me feel any better, fill the hole in my heart, rid me of my hollowness. It is almost an unconscious movement without purpose, except to remind me of my guilt and depression.
There's a slight sound behind me, of approaching footsteps. I don't turn, very much uncaring as to the identity of the newcomer. It doesn't concern me, and neither does their reason for being here. Though, if they're here, it must be to pay their respects for a fallen friend.
The footsteps come closer, then stop just behind me. A hand is placed on my shoulder. I look up into the face of Kakashi Hatake, his eyes just as sad and dark as my own.
"Hello, Kakashi Sensei," I say softly, dropping my head and staring forlornly at the headband in my hands. "Akari," he greets, taking a seat beside me. "Aren't you late for Third Hokage's funeral?" I ask. "I could say the same of you," he replies, his voice oddly distant. But not so distant that I fail to recognize the guilt weighing down on him.
"Are you here for the same reason as I am?" I ask, lifing my gaze to meet his eyes. He nods. "There's a certain name here that hasn't left my mind since the day he died, saving my life," he says. I would ask who he's talking about, but I can't muster up the curiosity. I haven't experienced a feeling that positive in days.
"Kakashi Sensei," I whisper, just loud enough to be heard above the rain. "Does this... does the pain, the emptiness... ever go away?"
He takes a long time to figure out his answer, staring at a name on the rock with an intense gaze that I usually don't see in his carefree eyes. I don't mean to, but my eyes cross the spot he's staring at: Obito Uchiha. Uchiha. I guess that's interesting. And I guess it means he died a while ago. Kakashi must have been carrying around this guilt for a very long time.
"It lessens," he says finally, turning to face me. "It never goes away, at least in my experience. For thirteen years, I've had this pain, this empty feeling. But it doesn't consume me like it did in the past. I never forget, but I can choose not to focus on it. It isn't the only thing I feel anymore."
"How long have you been here?" he asks after a while. "Since dawn," I tell him in a flat voice that is preferable to my previous sobs. "I left Shikamaru's house before the sun rose and came here."
"So you're still living with Shikamaru and his family."
"I can't bring myself to go... home," I say in a whisper. "I forgave Masaki, but my moth-- His mother... I can't see her, can't forget the secret she withheld from me for twelve years. I think it makes me a horrible person, to not forgive her for such a petty thing. She says she did it out of love, and I understand that, but it doesn't make it any better for me. I still feel that, if she really loves me, she should have told me the truth years ago." I pause, then add, "Yes, it does make me a horrible person, for feeling like this about a woman who was my mother for twelve years."
"You are anything but, Akari Yuki," Kakashi says, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I lean my head against his shoulder, mildly surprised that Kakashi is being so comforting. I never pegged him as that type of man. It doesn't make me any less grateful, though.
"Are those for Hayate?" Kakashi asks, directing the question to whoever is walking up behind us. Hayate Gekko was killed by Baki, the Sand Siblings' Sensei, before the final round of the Chunin Exams even began. "Yes," comes the reply, a woman's grief-filled, yet determined, voice. She appears on my other side, setting down a pretty bouquet of flowers next to the one previously brought by Botan. She places her hands together in prayer, then turns to the two of us. "Who is this?" she asks Kakashi, for some reason deciding I won't answer her. I'm not saying she's wrong, I just feel it's inconsiderate of her.
"Her name is Akari Yuki," Kakashi says, glancing down at me. "She's the adopted sister of Masaki Kita, who died in the attack."
A sob threatens to build up in my throat, so I throw up a hand to cover my mouth, turning my face into Kakashi's shoulder. "How awful," the woman says softly, placing a hand on my back in a consolatory gesture.
"Third Hokage's funeral has already started," the woman informs us, standing and dusting herself off. "I know," I say in a hoarse voice, gently ducking out from Kakashi's arm. "I've been meaning to get up and go, but I haven't been able to convince myself it's the right time to leave Masaki."
"That's how I feel with Obito," Kakashi tells me.
"And I with Hayate," the woman says.
Kakashi stands and helps me to my feet. "It's his funeral as well, Akari," he says. I nod, wiping fresh tears from my eyes. I'm not sure if I've stopped crying since this morning. It's been hard to tell with all this rain. "You promise it lessens?" I ask Kakashi as we start to walk away, from Masaki, Obito and Hayate.
"I promise."
***
It is a sea of black.
Dozens of grieving Shinobi stand in neat rows in front of line of photos, the largest being of the Third Hokage. They are all dressed in black, to advocate their feelings of anguish. I stand beside Kakashi, with Kurenai and Asuma behind us. Kurenai Sensei's hands are on my shoulders, seemingly to keep me together, as though her hands are enough to stop my eminent collapse. I will try to prove her wrong, by believing what Kakashi told me. The pain will lessen, and in time I will be able to feel other emotions besides anger and sadness and regret.
I only hope that day comes soon.
It's still raining. Someone commented that it is so because even the heavens are crying for our beloved Hokage. I think that makes sense, in a way.
I've missed my chance to place a flower in front of the Third Hokage's picture, but I don't mind. It isn't necessary. And I don't think the Hokage would be angry with me for missing out. He'd probably laugh and jokingly scold me for taking on Kakashi Sensei's bad habits. I've learned that he's late for everything, and I think I know why now.
My eyes drift to a picture of a smiling fifteen-year-old boy, whose headband I still have with me. After leaving the Memorial Stone, I tied the headband around my arm. I couldn't bear to leave it somewhere, like my room at Shikamaru's house. I want to keep Masaki with me, in a place other than my memories.
From somewhere in front of me, I hear Sakura say, "The rain's stopped." I look up to see she's right; the rain has stopped falling, and sunlight is breaking through the mass of gray clouds covering the sky. Many people smile, taking this as a good omen. I merely stare at the shafts of light, truly unable to see the beauty and hope in them.
My God, there is something truly wrong with me.
When the funeral is over, the majority of the Genin split into their respective teams. Hinata, Shino and Kiba attempt to get me to come with them. Where they're going, I don't know, but I politely refuse their offer. Wherever they're going, I know they'll spend their time trying to cheer me up, to get me to smile. I don't want to be such a burden to them, I want them to have their happiness unhindered by my melancholy mood.
I finger Masaki's headband as I walk, pulling at the black cloth and partially unraveling the tie. It is only something to occupy my hands, while my mind wanders through memories of Masaki and I, and also of the Third Hokage. I didn't know him as well as some other Genin, but he was always kind to me, joking and smiling and generally being a nice old man. I think he liked me, since I often offered to help him with small tasks when I was younger. But I was too young to really comprehend his personality in its entirety, and I didn't see much of him after becoming a Genin.
I regret that now.
I soon end up at the Village Gates, where Kotetsu and Izumo now check visitors. They wave to me and smile; I offer a weak wave in return. I don't believe I have the heart to smile anymore.
Outside the Village, I find myself walking through the thick trees, staring at the ground, not watching my surroundings. When my feet begin to hurt from walking so far, I leap up into a tree and settle myself on a branch, my back pressed to the bark. Over the years, this has become my habit. I sit like this, in similar trees, when I am thoughtful, or hurt, or angry, or happy, or bored. I do it for a variety of reasons, but the result is always the same: I pass the time by sitting in a tree. I think I've continued to do it over the years because, when I was only four years old, I was able to beat Masaki in a tree climbing contest. After entering the Academy, and learning some Ninja skills, I simply jumped up onto the branches, and the easy access only contributed to my habit.
Now, I find it peaceful, with no one to distract me from my thoughts. Though at the moment, maybe that isn't the best thing for me. Being in my own head... just now, it isn't the most pleasant place to be. I won't be surprised if I fully succomb to my grief and turn mad.
.... I'm praying that doesn't happen.
***
"I've finally found you."
I lift my head slightly, blinking open my tired eyes, and frown at Kakashi Sensei. He's perched on the same branch as me, only a few feet from me.
I've been sitting here for hours, I think. I don't really know; I fell asleep a while ago, tired from rising so early in the morning. I was having a dream just moments ago, where I relived my ninth birthday. Masaki had just become a Genin, and he'd been so excited and hyper, that he started showing off his newly aquired "skills". Long story short, I ended up with a cake dumped on my head, in a river.
I hadn't spoken to Masaki for a week afterwards.
Now I'd give anything just to hear his voice again.
"Why were you looking for me, Kakashi Sensei?" I ask, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. He smiles at me, his one visible eye closing. "I wanted to make sure you were alright."
"I'm not sure 'alright' is the word for how I'm feeling," I tell him honestly. He sighs. "Yeah, I understand that. But I don't want you doing anything... rash."
It actually takes me a little while to figure out the meaning of his words. When I do, I blink at him. "I don't think you have to worry about that," I say, though even to my ears the promise sounds weak and uncertain. "I'm not suicidal."
"Akari," Kakashi says softly. "Losing someone so close to you, it can do things to your mind. And losing your brother, after going through such a traumatic experience with him already... It can only have made things worse."
"Maybe you're right, Sensei," I say, hugging my knees to my chest. "But I'm trying to believe in what you told me this morning, that it'll get easier. I'm trying not to think like... like that."
"And I'm proud of you for doing that. But I just want to make sure, alright?"
"Yeah, alright."
For about half an hour, Kakashi and I sit in silence. He doesn't ask me to talk, and I don't ask him. It's a comfortable silence that I rather enjoy. On my team, silence is a regular occurrence, that I know Kiba hates. Out of the four of us, he's easily the loudest, most outgoing of us. So he gets a little pissy when we all lapse into our quiet sessions. Before the Chunin Exams, I, in an attempt to placate him, would start random conversations that had absolutely nothing to do with what we were doing. Kiba would enjoy them, laughing and adding his own thoughts onto whatever I'd say. Hinata would contribute, too, and even Shino would speak once and a while. I loved those times.
I love the quiet too.
Except, right now, it's beginning to wear on me.
"Kakashi Sensei," I say, my voice trembling. He looks at me, his eye shining with sympathy. "I-I miss him so much!" I throw myself into Kakashi's arms, and he graciously holds me while I cry, sobbing my heart out. He says nothing at all while he holds me, and I find it's a good thing. There's nothing to distract me from letting it all out.
What seems like an eternity later, my sobs cease, and my shaking body stills. A few tears still leak from my eyes, but I quickly wipe them away. I am horrified that I've broken down in front of another Ninja, in front of Kakashi Sensei no less.
He's going to think I'm so--
"It's ok, Akari."
What?
"It's in your eyes that you're ashamed of crying," he says, grabbing me by the shoulders and pushing me back a bit. "But you shouldn't be. I know people say Ninja should be emotionless, but it's almost never true, especially in the Leaf Village. We all have hearts here, Akari, and you're no different."
His smile warms my broken heart, and almost, almost tugs a smile of my own from the abyss. But almost isn't a smile.
I slowly stand, feeling the ache in my limbs for sitting down for so long. Another of my habits I can't seem to shake. "I better be getting back to Shikamaru's," I say as Kakashi stands as well. "It's getting late, and I haven't spoken to him for most of the day. He'll be worried."
As I'm about to jump down to the ground, Kakashi says, "Akari, wait."
I look back at him, to see him rubbing the back of his head, looking embarrassed. "You know, I was thinking... you don't have to stay at Shikamaru's, if you don't want to."
"Why wouldn't I want to?" I question, raising a puzzled eyebrow at the silver-haired jonin.
"Well, you have another option. What about my place?"
I blink several times, not comprehending his offer. Stay with Kakashi? It's almost unimaginable. Almost.
"You'd really let me?" I ask, and he nods, appearing calmer than before. "Sure, I've got the room and... well, I think you're a good kid who's had some of the worst luck I've ever seen. I don't mind helping you out." He smiles again, as I blink a few more times.
This is... unexpected.
"Thank you," I say. He pats my shoulder. "I don't need thanks for doing the right thing," he says. "But you're welcome anyway."
***
Shikamaru is sad to see me go, saying he's liked having me as his "temporary sister." Shikaku is just as upset, claiming that his son wasted an opportunity to get a girlfriend. He says he failed even when the girl was a few rooms away from him. Shikamaru's only response to these accusation: A sharp glare and his signature "What a drag..."
I gather my things from their house, thanking them profusely for their allowing me to stay in their home for so long. Even Shikamaru's mother is sad to say goodbye, giving me a deadly hug that nearly causes me to pass out.
Shikamaru also gives me a hug, allowing me to wrap my arms around his neck. "I'll be here for you, ok Akari?" he says against my ear. "If you need someone, just come find me. I'll help you out anyway I can." I nod, and he releases me. "And try to smile, even just a tiny one," he adds, giving me one of his own. "Might be a while before that happens, Slothy," I tell him, and I see his dad break into a grin.
Kakashi's waiting for me outside the Nara residence and he smiles a little at my arrival. "So, I've got a question," I say when we start walking down the street. "Shikaku told me that you live in a one room apartment. How's this gonna work?"
He laughs and puts a hand on my shoulder reassuringly. "I moved, finally. So don't worry. It won't be creepy."
"Ah, thanks?"
Kakashi now lives in a three room apartment, two being bedrooms and one being a kitchen/dining room area. It isn't anything special, with just a stove, a fridge, a cupboard and a table with a few chairs. My room consists of a bed and a desk. Nothing else. But I set down my pack on the bed, feeling just shy of happy. Happiness doesn't come easy to me anymore. It's always just out of reach. I'm trying though, to recapture that feeling.
The sun is setting just outside my window, but I think I'll turn in early today. My nap earlier eased some of my tiredness, but it's still there, and it's becoming harder and harder to ignore.
There's something I want to do before I go to sleep though.
I step out of my room into the small hallway connecting the three rooms of the apartment and walk the short distance to Kakashi's room. I knock softly on the door before pushing it open and leaning into the room a little.
Kakashi is sitting on his bed, reading a small orange book. Make Out Paradise? Hm. I didn't know Kakashi was such a perv. Ah well. He's not a bad guy. Anyway, he looks different. His headband is lying on the bedside table, and his flak jacket is hung on the wall beside him. At the moment, he's in a sleeveless black shirt, still with a mask covering his face, with his sandals lying carelessly by the door.
He looks up when I knock on the door again. "What's up, Akari? Do you need something?" he asks, putting his creepy book down. "No," I say, leaning against the door frame. "I just wanted to say thanks again, for everything." I look at him sheepishly, half fixating on his one red eye. Despite my general lack of feeling, besides the usual sadness, there's actual curiosity as to who Kakashi aquired his Sharingan from. If he wants to tell me, I wouldn't say no.
"You really don't have to thank me, Akari," he says, swinging his bare feet to the floor. I shrug. "I want to, though," I say, letting my eyes scan his room. It's almost as bare as mine, though there are a few exceptions. On his beside table there are two pictures in frames. One is of Team Seven. Kakashi is in the back, behind his three Genin, his hands on top of Sasuke and Naruto's heads. Those two are glaring at each other, and Sakura is in the middle smiling at the camera. They look happy, even if Naruto and Sasuke are having hissy fits.
The other photo is of Kakashi when he was younger. He looks pretty much the same, except he doesn't have the Sharingan, and he looks extremely serious and un-fun. But the boy beside him in the orange goggles kinda reminds me of Naruto. He's got a goofy grin on his face that reaches his eyes. The girl in the picture is pretty, and looks as happy as the other boy. And behind the three of them is a blonde man that I recognize instantly as the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze. Kakashi was on a team with Konoha's Yellow Flash? It actually explains a lot.
On the wall, next to his green flak jacket, there's a red and white mask made to look like a dog. It's an ANBU Black Ops mask. I've seen enough of them to recognize one easily. I didn't know Kakashi was ANBU. Again, explains a lot.
"Well, goodnight," I say, waving to him. I turn to leave.
"Akari."
"Yeah?" I ask, ducking my head back into the room. My eyes involuntarily widen as he tugs his mask down and smiles at me fully. If I was in another state of mind, I'd probably start gaping like a fish and freaking out. Because Kakashi is... well, to put in a way that won't offend people... HE'S HOT.
Oh, wait, that's not how I meant it to come out.
But anyway, I'm not in a very excitable state of mind, and I only offer him my wide eyes as a reaction to him losing the mask. "This," he says, pointing to his unmasked face, "is a secret very few people know about. It means I trust you, got it?" He asks this with another dazzling smile that rivals Might Guy's. God, I see why he wears the mask; he'd blind people otherwise.
"I get it," I tell him, trying to force my lips into a smile. But it doesn't work, and I give up half-way through. Kakashi's face falls slightly; maybe he was trying to get me to smile by either showing me his amazingly good-looking face, or by showing his faith in me. "Sorry, Kakashi Sensei," I say quietly, and he looks at me in surprise. "I don't think I'm really capable of a smile right now."
"That's alright, Akari. We'll keep working on it."