I try to swallow, but it catches in my throat. The notebook is heavy in my hands, and I avoid Gray's eyes. Our dorm room has never felt smaller.
"Gray, I can't just read this. That's... that's... immoral."
"When have you been one to worry about morals?" He bites back. Ouch. That was unnecessary, but I get his point. "You wanted to drug those girls." Oh, right.
"Do I really have to read it?" I almost whine.
"You're gonna want to know what's in it, trust me." His gaze and voice are so steely that I don't really feel like arguing anymore. I take a deep breath and open the book, greeted by Lisanna's familiar handwriting that I saw so often when we were kids.
"April 17, Monday. First entry. God, that sounds stupid, doesn't it?" I start reading.
"You don't have to read out loud. In fact, it's better if you don't," Gray says ominously. So I read in my head. Words float in and out, through one ear and out the other, until it becomes juicy. Lisanna starts writing in bigger, sloppier letters, pressing harder with her pen, sometimes breaking through the paper. Names are thrown around, words are used, reused, and abused.
Everything, all sorts of thoughts, comments, critiques, complaints about the kids at FTH litter the papers. Each page has a name written in all caps above it, and some kids have more than one page. Others have blank pages. Rude comments on Laki's speech, on Jet and Droy's obsession with Levy, Reedus' size, even complaints about Mira and Laxus' relationship. X's through some people's eyes. Some entries have full blown stories of events concerning these people and Lisanna. Highlighter and colored pens show evidence that she maybe went back a few times to change or stress certain points. I don't see a page for Bianca, Gigi, or April, though. Convenient. I take a deep breath, feeling Gray's gaze more than ever.
"There's no way any of this is real. How could it? Those girls are framing her or something. Lisanna isn't this... this..."
"Mean? Natsu, you can't deny the possibility that it's real. How else would she know these things about specific people?"
I look desperately at Gray, "I don't know man, I don't know. But we have to find out." I throw the book onto my bed, frustrated. Gray and I both jump to attention when loose papers fly out from the book.
"What are those?" Gray exclaims, picking them up.
"I don't know... Wait! Gigi said something about later entries Lisanna wrote that they stole. What are these about? Maybe they explain something..." I take the pages from Gray's hands and scour the words, hoping to find some sort of explanation to this mess. What I read stops my heart.
They told me to get something good, so I did. This juicy little secret should serve whatever purpose they need. I just wish it didn't have to be Lucy of all people.
They announced it over the loud speakers. THEY ANNOUNCED IT OVER THE LOUD SPEAKERS. I didn't mean for that to happen! What do they want? What do they want with me?
Today Gigi almost hit me. She was extremely angry about something she overheard... Something about Natsu and Lucy going to the Halloween dance no doubt. She screamed at me to do something about it, something to stop this madness. Because of her, I lost everything. I need to make her stop.
Or I could make everything else stop.
They say it was Jellal who set the gym on fire. The guilt is eating at me. There was no way I could have known about an arsonist, but if Natsu or Lucy got hurt, I still feel like it would be my fault. My rage got the best of me. Lucy deserved to get his gift in a sweet, romantic way, however Natsu was planning it. But I ruined it. I heard her cry out when the fire started. Her scream was the loudest in my ears. And her cries for Natsu resonated in my ears.
I ruined everything, and now they're punishing me for it. Natsu, Lucy- let them be together. Everything I wrote in this stupid notebook is invalid. I'm sorry. I'm so, so , so sorry. I just want them to stop. I never meant to hurt Lucy. I never wanted to hurt anyone.
"I need some fresh air." I exit our dorm in a rush, leaving Gray and that horrible notebook behind. Standing outside of the dorms, I look up at the sky and muffle my scream into my scarf. None of this can be happening.
~
The next day, Gray and I go to Love & Lucky for lunch, having woken up late. We take a seat at a booth in the restaurant. The book is in my backpack on the floor, but I feel like it's burning a hole between my eyes.
"Are you going to give it back?" Gray finally asks.
"I guess I should. I just want to know if this really is..."
"Natsu, maybe you didn't look at these subconsciously, but we had pages in there too. I was pretty offended by what she said- no need for you to read it!!! But your page was blank."
"Blank?" I scrunch my face in confusion.
"Blank. Of all the things she could have written about you, she left your page blank. No X's, no hearts, not even a broken heart. Nothing."
After a while, I reply, "well what does that mean?"
Gray throws his hands up, "I don't know! I just thought you should know."
"Shhhhh, Gray shut up and crouch down," I whisper to Gray, sliding down in my seat. He follows in suit, until soon enough we're both chin level with the table. The voices I heard earlier grow louder.
"How could you, April! My back up plan was perfect!" The sharp voice of a girl who was once seemingly sweet hits my ears.
"Well, how could you give the location of the book to them?!" A quieter voice replies, probably April.
"Because it was supposed to be the fake!!! But being as stupid as you are, you just HAD to put the real one there, didn't you?"
"Giovanni, calm down." I recognize this annoyed voice. Bianca.
"Never. Call. Me. That." I can hear Gigi fuming, spitting her words between her teeth. Then she sighs. "If anything, it's Giovann-AH. Get it right. You know, there's a reason I'm the Oz behind our whole operation. Because I'm the smartest! My backup plan was foolproof! Except for the little fact that we have the fool exception right here! Bianca, keep an eye on your roommate!!"
"Gigi, SHUT UP." April says at what I assume is a loud volume for her.
Bianca sounds more nervous, "yeah, what if someone heard us?"
"Oh, nobody cares here. I'm just frustrated that we lost my leverage."
"Hasn't she been through enough?" April squeaks, having used her confidence when telling Gigi to shut up.
"Seriously," Bianca adds. "What is it that you have against Lisanna? Plus you promised I would get to go on a date with Natsu if I helped you through all this..."
"Don't be picky, technically you did go on a date with him," Gigi spits. I cringe. Gray and I have been making faces at each other, but this time he's motioning that this position is uncomfortable. I nod in agreement, and decide to do something I've always wanted to do. Mysteriously, I slide my scarf across the table and signal to Gray for him to wear it. Grabbing a menu, I slide out of our booth just as a waiter walks past. Using him as temporary cover, I slide into another empty booth, this one a little closer to the door. I open the menu and hide my face with it. I repeat this two more times, making my way over to the door. Finally, I slip out the doors, putting the menu back at the same time. I wait in the parking lot for Gray, ready to duck behind a random car if I have to. Surprisingly, Gray walks out like a normal human, holding my scarf in his hands.
"They took a seat at a booth out of eyesight, so I paid and left," he explains.
"Boring," I mutter, taking my scarf back.
"Well at least you remembered your backpack," Gray says, looking down and putting his hands in his pockets. We laugh, and walk back to our dorm. Only when we get to our dorm room do I realize that I left my keys in my backpack. Which I left on the floor next to our table as I was sneaking out like a badass.
"GRAY YOU BAKA I LEFT MY BACKPACK IN LOVE AND LUCKY WITH EVERYTHING IN IT."
Well, shit.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Regigina?
The song is Anywhere But Here, by Mayday Parade.
Shadow ;)