Lana's P.O.V.
-2 Months Later-
It has been two months since the Dublin shows, making it the middle of May. Niall took me on several dates while we were in Paris, on one of which we climbed to the top of the Eiffel tower and another where we visited the lock bridge. The lock bridge is a place where couples go with a padlock that has their names engraved in it. Niall had ours engraved as: " 'I pick you.' Lana James Niall Horan. April 29th 2013."
I stopped listening to the hate but it still hurt to see so many people saying negative things about me. I still feel alone. Especially today, the 5SOS boys have gone back to London for time off to record their new album and will be joining us again back in America and the boys are currently going over some new material with management, leaving me completely alone on the tour bus with nothing to do but think. The silence that surrounds me is massive.
I don't know if anyone has ever felt like this way. Like they don't want to be on this planet anymore. It's a crazy thing when you want to harm yourself to get rid of the pain and just make it all stop. I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, one hand on either side of the sink wondering if Aaron will be waiting for me on the other side. I glance at the fresh scars on my wrists then to the blade that sits on the sink and start to reach for it but I hear a gentle knock at the door.
"Lana... Babe come out I know you're in there." Niall's Irish accent quietly whispers through the door.
I sigh and wipe away the few tears that appeared in my eyes, wishing they would stay away forever, and pull down my sleeves to hide my cuts from Niall. I slowly turn the door handle and feel Niall push the door completely open and grab me into a tight hug. "Babe you've got to stop. You've got to let me in." He whispers into my ear.
The thing is I haven't just stopped listening to the hate, I've just started taking it in. Telling myself that I am all the things they say I am.
"She's such a slut."
"Whore."
"Ugly"
"Put some clothes on what are you a prostitute?"
"queer"
"bet she's bisexual"
"fat"
"bitch."
"I heard she has a disease."
"bet she's slept with all of them."
"She's just an attention seeker!"
"She's using them for fame!"
"I hate her"
"Bitch stay away he's mine"
"I bet she's slept with 5SOS too."
"Niall can do so much better."
I stopped letting everyone in, I just stopped talking in general. I won't even text the 5 Seconds Of Summer boys back, and Ashton keeps leaving me voice mails just to make sure I'm okay. I hug Niall tighter as he hums Little Things to me. It helps a little but I still want to get rid of this pain. I haven't spoken in a little over two weeks. One of the French fans found our lock on the lock bridge and the whole fandom is now against me. I haven't eaten in a little over four days and it's starting to show.
I don't even hear Liam and the rest of the boys climb back onto the bus but before I know it I am surrounded by all five of them.
"The concert's in an hour, what are we going to do?" I hear Louis whisper.
Harry opens his mouth to suggest something but I shake my head and pull away from Niall, turning to go put some jeans on and get ready for the concert. Niall grabs my wrist. "You don't have to go." he whispers.
I shake my head and clear my throat, speaking for the first time in weeks. "No, I want to show them it's not bothering me, even though it really is." I say, my voice cracking.
I pull my hair into a high ponytail as I walk away from the boys. My phone vibrates in my pocket. It's a text from Calum.
"Hey Lana, Niall said you were having a hard time of it and I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me. You really can, please don't do anything stupid. It would break my heart to see you right now I'm sure. I'm begging you Lana, please talk to me. Or Ash, or Mikey or Luke, or someone. We all love you ok? Please."
I relax a little when I read "we all love you" and pull on a pair of black skinny jeans and a One Direction tank top, then grab one of Niall's sweatshirts and pull it on, taking my converse with me to the front of the bus to put them on. As I'm walking out Zayn stops me and kisses my cheek then wraps me in a big bear hug. "We love you alright? Don't forget that." He whispers.
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I stumble my way into the arena, weak from not eating, and find my seat next to two girls who don't look very happy to see me and shortly after two other girls sit on my other side, giving me dirty looks.
I sit though most of the concert in between the four of them. Most of it.
The boys are singing Kiss You when I finally get completely broken down by these girls. They have been calling me every name they could think of for the last 2 hours. I can't wait for the boys to sing the last two songs as I stand up and push my way through them running out of the areana and into the tourbus.
By this point the tears are streaming steadily down my face and I can barely type as I pull out my phone to send a large group message to Niall, Liam, Louis, Zayn, Harry, Ashton, Calum, Luke, and Michael.
"My boys,
Tonight I sat by the four worst girls I have ever met. I got called every name in the books and right now I am so unbelievably done it's not even funny. Please remember that I love you all and that I will always love you no matter where I am. But right now I'm in so much pain and I only know one way to stop it.
Niall- babe, thank you. I will love you forever.
The rest of you- you all mean so much to me but there's nothing you can do for me. Not anymore.
I'll be happier this way. I love you."
I quickly hit send then pull out my laptop and turn on my web cam and hit record.
"Hi, I'm Lana James." I say to the camera, my voice cracking and tears still streaming down my face. "For those very few of you that actually like me I'm sorry. But to all the haters and those four terrible girls who sat near me tonight at the concert. You've won. Congratulations on breaking me and way to go on breaking Niall's heart... Peace out bitches. See you in another life." I whisper to my web cam.
I hit post to twitter and pull off Niall's sweatshirt and throw it down to the floor, then go to the bathroom, close and lock the door, and pull out the bottle of sleeping pills I was perscribed after Aaron died, and my razor blade as well.
I hold them in either hand and press myself to the wall of the room, sinking down to the floor with tears still running down my cheeks as I open the bottle and dump some of the pills into my hand. I slowly swallow fifteen pills, one after the other. Then I take my blade and make a gash on each wrist for every name I got called tonight...
Niall's P.O.V.
We disappear off the stage just like we normally do after What Makes You Beautiful but something isn't right. After every show Lana pops up backstage to hug us all but she isn't here. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and look up to see the boys all pulling their phones out too.
I pull my phone out of my pocket to see a message from Lana.
My eyes scan her text quickly and I drop my phone, run out of the arena, and urgently push through the fans that are waiting for us with the boys not far behind me. I trip several times as I get closer and closer to the bus. It's doors fold easily as I rip them open.
"Lana!" I scream, my voice already hoarse from the show..
This bus is too damn big, Liam goes to check the bunks, while Harry and Louis check every where outside and Zayn checks the front end. I notice the bathroom door is closed and press my ear to it, but hear nothing.
"Niall!" Liam calls from the bunk room.
I run back expecting to find Lana on the floor but instead Liam has her twitter open with a video playing. I see Lana's face and I hear the words "You've won." and I know she's gone through with it, or tired and not succeeded yet.
"Liam the bathroom! How could I be so stupid!" I shout, launching myself towards the bathroom door.
I turn the handle but it doesn't budge.
"Lana! Don't you dare!" I yell throwing myself at the door.
It cracks a little but still doesn't open so I throw myself at it again but again it doesn't open. Liam gives it one final kick and it bursts open, nearly falling off it's hinges.
I see Lana curled into a ball on the floor and I throw myself down next to her. I hear Liam yell to the boys that we've got her and to call an ambulance as I pull her close to me. She lets out a nearly inaudible whimper as her arms fall away from her body covered in blood and I notice an empty sleeping pill bottle on the floor. "No no no no... Lana... What have you done...?" I whisper pulling her completely into my arms while holding already soaked bloody towels to her wrists.
I press my back to the wall and hold her tightly in my arms. I lean my head back and scream because it's the only thing I can do.
And she doesn't even open her eyes.
Liam sits down next to me and I look at him through bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down my face as a medic bursts into the small bathroom and takes her away from me.
"No!" I scream and start to go after him, but Liam holds me back.
"Niall she needs help.." He whispers as he pulls me back down next to him on the bathroom floor.
I bang my head against the wall a few times until I give myself a headache and that's when I hear someone frantically yell "She's not breathing!" and lose it all.
Lana's P.O.V.
blackness....
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hi, sorry if that was too much for anyone.
there's only a few parts left so i guess we'll see..
bye for now <3
-hals