19. is she clingy, michael?
"She had this look on her face like someone had slapped her or something. It's like she thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend. What the fuck, I'm so freaked out."
"What do you mean? What did you tell her?"
"I told her to basically stay away from me."
The words brought Calum into a coughing fit as he chokes on his own spit. "What?"
"She's not my girlfriend. I don't do girlfriends. I don't want her to get clingy."
Calum sighs, looking me right in the eye. It's a little uncomfortable. He only does this when I'm having a panic attack and he's trying to calm me down.
"You take her to watch the sunset, you cuddle her and kiss her. Michael, you haven't slept properly for days and you were the one tucking her in."
"So?" I fold my arms over my chest in defence and lean back. He's trying to get a reaction out of me, but I won't give it to him. "And it wasn't the sunset. It was the sunrise."
"Maybe you're lying to yourself, but you can't lie to me. I know you. You've taken her to every gig since you met her, paid for the tickets even if you're broke. And you're telling me it's nothing? I don't think she's the clingy one. You keep going back to her."
It's not a drunken heart to heart; Calum is sober tonight. But I know he'd give me this speech either way. He's annoyingly sensible and very good at spotting things. I'm just not ready to hear it.
"It's something," I say, letting my mind wander to the girl I tucked into bed after our rooftop non-date. "I just don't know what yet. And no, I'm not clingy. I just don't know how to hang out with her without feeling some kind of way."
"Better figure that out, buddy."
"Yeah, I guess I have to." I'm still hyped from the gig we played earlier, and have yet to come down. "Did you see if she left already?"
"Saw her at the bar with Luke and Ashton before, not sure if they're still there or not."
I almost spill my drink, his words sending a tremor through my body. Suddenly, I feel like crying. "Cal, I'm pretty sure she's not eighteen yet."
"We've tried to tell you that. It's not hard to tell."
"Is she drinking?"
"Dunno, I know Luke was getting Ashton one. Chill, I'm sure she's had a drink before."
I put the bottle of Corona down, my eyes scanning the room to find the young brunette. It shouldn't be hard to find her - she'd easily stand out by being the prettiest girl in the bar.
When I reach Luke and Ashton in the crowd of people, she's still nowhere to be seen. I can't even hide the fact that I'm freaking out. Is she okay? Being sick in the bathroom? Getting her drink drugged by creeps? Does my princess need saving?
"Where is she?" I ask, leaning into Luke so he can hear me over the music.
"Jessa? I think we lost her."
"Lost her? The fuck?"
"Didn't realise it's my job keeping check on your girlfriend."
Ashton pushes me back. Good move, otherwise Luke would probably have ended with a bloody nose.
"He's just winding you up. He's a bit tipsy," he says, letting go of my shirt. "She's outside, calling a taxi."
"Thanks," I say, brushing my clammy hands on my jeans.
I find her by the crowd of people outside at the smoking area. Her curly hair has gone flat, her jacket is tied around her waist and she's pretty as always.
"Are you going home? Already?"
"They caught me without an access wristband so I had to leave. Are you okay? You don't look well," she says, her brown eyes finding mine in an unsteady exchange.
I laugh humourlessly at how messed up this is. I've been a dick and left her in a bar and she's asking if I'm okay.
And it's as if she could tell the future; a second later, I how breathing gets harder. The panic attack moves in on me from nowhere. I should have stayed with her. What was I thinking, leaving her in a place full of drunk people looking for a hookup?
I try my best to calm down. I don't want her to see me like this, but I've never been good at covering it ip. It's not easy. Heart beats fast, lungs screaming for air in my tight chest.
She must think I'm crazy. Maybe I am. I reach out for her to find a steady place to focus on while the world spins around me. "I. . . I was so– so worried."
And she lets me hold onto her, although her upper arms are reddening under my firm grasp. "You found me. I'm here," she says. Her voice is beautiful.
The taxi arrives. Jessa puts her hands across her body, moving my hands away from her and waking me out of my trance. I hold completely still.
"You staying or are you coming with?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Your choice."
I stop, thinking of the half empty beer bottle and how drunk I can get if I stay. Enough to forget about what Calum told me. But then I look at the girl with the bambi eyes and the decision is easily made.
"Yours or mine?"
"Mine," she says. "In case Calum takes a girl home."
"He won't."
I wonder for a moment, if this is it. If we are going to let our guards down. "Why'd you not tell me? I know the manager, he would have been fine with you not being eighteen yet. I could have even got you a drink if you wanted."
I see her freeze under my stare. Then she warms up.
"Michael, I don't even drink. And you've been sat with Calum all night, anyway. I got chatted up by this really creepy guy and I was sending you help rescue me now eye signals but you didn't even notice."
"I didn't see you. A text would have worked fine."
"You should probably check your phone."
jessa: this creepy guy is looking at me
jessa: fudge he's walking over
jessa: send help
jessa: mikey?
jessa: help me sos
"Sorry."
"It's alright. We're here now."
I pay the driver, and as we walk up the driveway to her house, I pray that this was a good choice.
"Bambi, wait up."
"Bambi?"
"You just remind me of Bambi, sorry."
"What, because I'm tiny and I fall over a lot?"
"Probably, you clumsy little one." And your eyes. Her eyes are round and pretty and innocent.
"Alright, kitten boy. Stay quiet for me, okay?" She puts her finger to her lip, unlocking the door.
"Is anyone home?" I whisper.
She just nods.
"My room is messy, don't judge me."
In the dim light, I see the posters of her favourite bands stuck to the white walls. Although she's apologised for the mess, I wonder where it is. The little pile of clothes at the corner of the room can hardly be called a mess in comparison to what mine looks like.
"I don't think you should be listening to such dark music," I say, letting my eyes wander over the posters. MCR, Pierce the Veil, Blink. She has great taste. I like it. "It might give you dark thoughts."
"My mind was corrupted a long time ago."
She turns one of the lights on, and that's when I actually see the aftermath of what happened earlier. My stomach twists at the sight. I don't want to think I have hurt her, but I have.
"I'm so sorry, I never meant to do that to you," I say, my head hanging low. I can barely even look at her.
"What?"
"These." I reach for her hand, bringing her arm into the light. My thumb gently strokes the fresh, reddened marks on her arms. "I never meant to hurt you."
"It's okay, it's not your fault."
"It won't happen again. I swear." I say it won't, but I'm not sure. It's a promise that is hard to keep.
"Panic attacks are unpredictable," she says. It's like she knows.
"They are," I agree, letting go of her arm.
"Please don't worry about it. I'm fine, honestly."
Still, I feel horrible for hurting her. She should never have bruises on her body unless they're made out of nothing but absolute love.
-
aye captain lauren here where my sailors at?
i just love these two
also look at me blessing your monday as per
sayonara
~lauren