28th of October 2019
I was a hot mess when I woke up but I still woke up early and went into the gym in the hotel. Frida came in and sat down leaning against the wall. "Are you nervous." She said as she watched me doing pull up. "About the game? No, I know how to play football." She shook her head. "I meant seeing her, Hayley."
"Yeah, I guess I'm a little bit nervous, it's going to be weird seeing her again. Can we not talk about this right now Frids, I want to focus on the game." I said moving onto push ups. "Sorry. You should finish up soon or we are going to be late for the team walk." I nodded and she walked out. We went for a walk before everyone filed onto the bus to go to the stadium. We were very early at the stadium so all the girls were allowed to go explore for a little bit.
I decided to grab a ball and head onto the pitch because that's what I wanted to do this morning when I went to the gym. I messed around for a bit failing to notice the Australian team filing onto the pitch for their walk around. I was so zoned out focusing on myself that I only noticed them when I went to retrieve a ball from the net. I tried to sneakily walk back to the changing room but Mary stopped me.
Mary got her call up for the senior team. "Mary, hey how are you." I said hugging her. "Im doing well. How's Norway treating you." I smiled. "It's refreshing, all the girls are really nice. I heard about your club signings." She smiled. "Yeah it's been great I'm loving it so far. Where is the rest of your team." She questioned. "We got here really early so a lot of the girls went to explore, I just wanted to come out and mess around instead. I better head in but I'll see you after." I smiled trying to walk in to avoid another person.
As I was about to reach the tunnel, she appeared out of no where. "Jess wait, can I please talk to you." I shook my head. "Hayley I don't want to talk to you." She ran in front of me cutting me off. "No I need to talk to you. I'm sorry just give me 5 minutes please." I laughed sarcastically. "Give you 5 minutes. 5 minutes to do what?" She tried holding my hands but I pulled away. "No Hayley. I'm not going to talk to you because the last time I remember having a conversation we decided that we weren't going to talk anymore. Why break something that's worked so well."
"Jess please, I'm sorry if I knew what happened I wouldn't have said anything I said. I take it all back." I cut in. "You shouldn't have needed to know. You should have supported me either way you're my sister. For years you were the only person who cared about me, but what you did showed me that I really don't know who you are anymore. I get that you had to stop putting me first, you were focusing on your back but you out of everyone knows how I'm used to people coming and going. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that you left too but I'm ok with it now, I don't need you anymore I have people who are actually proud of me." As I pushed past her and made my way into the tunnel, I felt all of the Matilda's eyes on me.
I didn't go out for the pitch inspection with the girls, I just got ready for the game going through my routines. As we went out for warm up, Frida gave me a big hugs while we walk out, she whispered in my ear. "Don't worry, I'll look after you." I smiled. "Thanks Frids I love you too." We warmed up and went inside so Marten could give the final tactical talk before we lined up in the tunnel. Hayley was stood across from me, I could feel her eyes on me trying to get me to look at her.
We sung the national anthems and went to shake hands, I didn't shake Hayley's hand. You can say that it was petty all you want but I don't care. I went back to playing on the left side and Frida on the right with Ingrid in the middle and Guro on the left wing, Caro on the right. I was on the left against Alanna Kennedy, Steph Catley and Caitlin Foord. It was very physical from the first whistle.
It was the 30th minute, the game was 0-0 and we were all in the box, I was going up for a head from Marens cross. I went up and collided with someone behind me, I went to get up by myself but Hayley ran up to try help me up. "I can get up myself, don't touch me." I said as I stood up and walked away. About 5 minutes later Frida past the ball to Guro who saw me open in space behind her, she quickly passed it off to me screaming. "BE SELFISH, SHOOT JESS." I glanced up at goal as I took my shot curling it into the top right corner.
The goal went in and we were up 1-0. At the half time whistle, we went into the changing room, we made 2 changes, Frida went off, Karina came on, Maria went off and Stine came on. We had more flow in the second half, Australia's defence had also become more sloppy. When I received a pass, I could see a clear channel to Caro who then took the shot making it 2-0. With 10 minutes left, we had stretched the score line to 6-0. In the last 10 minutes we slowed down and at the final whistle the score was 7-0, I had 2 goals and 2 assists, Guro scored 1, Caro scored 2, and Ada got the rest. When we shook everyone's hands, I tried to avoid Hayley the best I could but before I reached Guro, Ingrid and Frida she walked up to me.
"Please just give me a chance to explain myself." I scoffed. "Yes please. Explain your thought process on deciding to hate me." I said sarcastically. "I'm sorry Jess I really am. I don't know what was wrong with me. I'm your big sister, I should have listened to you, supported you, been there with you to help you."
"And you want to just come right back like nothing happened. It's not going to happen, I don't need you anymore. I'm sorry to break this to you but have so many people who I would call before you, if I'm being honest I don't think you're even on my list anymore." I went to walk away.
"Don't do that to me Jess please, I need you, I need my little sister back. I wish I could go back to when I knew everything about you, when we would sit and talk for hours on a hill watching the sky. I miss seeing you smile every morning when you would give me morning hugs, when you would make me laugh. I know we will never be like that again, I realise that but please don't make me a stranger." I saw a tear rolling down her face as she walked up to me to try give me a hug.
"No Hayley don't touch me." I said pushing her away. "You don't get to do that. You can't start crying to make me feel bad about this. My whole life it's always been me and you, but the second you left me in America it was different. I guess I changed a little bit being more independent so I didn't ask you for help deciding to play for Norway. But you didn't loose me until you found out, I mean you completely freaked out on me. That's when you became a stranger and I'm miss you but i can't do this anymore." A tear escaped from my eyes.
"You can't do what." She said as tears rolled down her cheek. "I can't keep fighting with you, for the past few months when we've talked all we have done is argue and I can't keep doing it, I have to many other things to deal with. I miss you all the time, but missing someone who let me down doesn't make you right for me, it just meant that everything we've been through means something to me." I took a deep breath before looking back up and making eye contact with her.
"I've thought about this as soon as I found out we were playing each other. I realised that if we keep talking we will be in a never ending cycle and I don't want to keep fighting with you. I also know that if we stop then I'll loose you and you will loose me but at this point I think I need to let go because I'm done playing happy family with people who have treated me like shit my entire life." Tears flooded my eyes rolling down my cheeks.
Hayley stood there in complete shock as tears rolled down her cheeks. "But I need you, I need my little sister. I'll be better I promise." I shook my head. "You don't need me you have them." I said point to my mother, her dad and my brothers in the crowd. "I'm sorry but I just can't handle doing this anymore and the little sister you want isn't here anymore because I'll never be her again. I'm sorry Hayley but you have to understand what I need." I said wiping the tears pouring out of my eyes.
She went to speak. "Please don't say anything. Don't make this any harder than it already is." I said as I walked past her and over to Ingrid, Frida and Guro. "Hey come here." Frida said wrapping me up in a hug. I just cried into her chest. "Let's go into the changing rooms." She said lifting me up in her arms and walking us into the privacy of the changing room. I just cried telling them everything that happened. "I know how hard you thought about it and if you think it's what's right for you then you did the right thing." Guro said comforting me.
Once I calmed down I told them I was sorry. "I'm sorry I've been a bad friend. You spent pretty much the entire camp looking after me because of all my problems." I said looking down. "You aren't a bad friend. You are going through something and we are here for you. Don't ever apologise for this, and if we didn't want to be here then we wouldn't." Ingrid said hugging me.
"It might not seem like it but you are one of the strongest people I know. Even with everything you went through, when you came here you were so bubbly and you made everyone in this team fall in love with you." She smiled.
"But it wasn't me. I don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes for months at a time I just feel numb. I used to be so full of love, so oblivious, I would forgive to easily. But I'll probably never be that person again because he destroyed the part of me that was capable of love and happiness. Now I'm just here, I don't even know if I want to do this anymore, I don't know if I care about playing anymore."
"It's ok to not know what you want, you don't always have to get it right the first time. I know you might not feel strong right now but every single day you show us how strong you are, you are doing better than you realise even if you don't see it. Don't let one wrong turn break that beautiful heart of yours, the one that loves deeply and lets you feel. But for now it's ok to not be ok you just have to ask for help sometimes. You don't have to hide the messy parts of your life, and anyone who can't handle that isn't worth your time." Frida said as I leaned my head on her shoulder.
"You just need to find the right place for you and it isn't Portland. Find a place that will grow you into the best version of yourself, a person who is happy, passionate, caring, full of life, loved. If you still don't feel in love with the game the that's ok, you are so talented and you will be amazing at anything." I smiled. "I don't know what I would do without you guys. When I felt like I was loosing myself, as soon as I met you guys, you stopped me from falling apart."
"That's what we are here for. We are here for each other." Guro said as she brought us in for a big hug. "Before we fly back to club, I reckon we go shopping. Do you know anything good places Jess." I smiled. "I know a few." We all go changed and headed back to the hotel.